Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 12

Sadly, while enjoying tables laden with food, surrounded by the love of family members and the good cheer of friends young and old, we often forget to offer thanks for the force that keeps us strong and secures our preeminence among the nations of the world.

Yep.  I am talking about football.  The REAL football.  You know, the one where you don’t use your feet.  American football.



So with humble heart and clear mind, let’s pick some games and remember to pity all those foolish foreigners who can’t possibly understand the coolness.


Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

Back in the 17th century, the Swedish army under Gustav Adolphus was the envy of Europe. 

Green Bay used to be good back in the 17th century as well.

I’m betting on neither the Swedes nor the Packers to kick anyone’s ass going forward.

Aaron Rodgers poses for a team portrait the last time the Packers were good

 
I’ll take the overrated upstart in Philly over the overrated decrepit carcass of Green Bay.


Tennessee Titans @ Chicago Bears (+4 ½)

Lots of teams in the NFL suck.

But in order to Chicago suck you have to start winning games late in the year to thoroughly jack up your draft position for next season.

I think it’s about time for this to start up.

Answer:  Who are the Bears?


Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos (-3)

This game looks pretty trappy to me on paper but my apprehension is mitigated by the fact that while Denver is coming off a bye and healthy as an ox, the Chiefs are coming off a home loss to the dog-butt Buccaneers and are as healthy as that chick from Sixteen Candles with the neck brace.


I like the beloved Broncos at home in this one.


San Diego Chargers @ Houston Texans (+1 ½)

I’m about the last guy on the planet to talk positively about the Houston Texans.

I’m still not going to talk positively about the Texans.  They’re crappy.

But when, prey tell, did the Chargers become uncrappy enough to be a road favorite against any team not called “The Browns”.

Phillip Rivers is a wang and this game is a trap but I’m falling for it anyway.



I’ll take me some Texas ya’ll.

Go Buffs!

Season Record: 24-19-1

Trap Game Record: 7-4

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 11

Still in Mexico.  I think.....

Here are the picks this week:


Tennessee (+3) @ Indianapolis Colts

 Miami Dolphins (-1.5) @ Los Angeles Rams

Houston @ Oakland Raiders (-5.5)


Admiral Akbar Game:

Philadelphia @ Seattle (-6.5)


Season Record:21-18-1
Trap Game Record: 6-4

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 10




While I am as pleased as any that the election season is firmly behind us, it is proving somewhat difficult in the aftermath to drum up enough football angst to fuel the creative fire.

Donald Trump is president.  

The Chicago Cubs are world champions.  

The most famous person in the country is a talent-bereft woman with a sex tape and a fake ass.

If the US was a TV show, it feels like we are watching the series finale.

On the brighter side, I can answer my phone again without taking a survey, my kids don't have to watch political commercials when watching minecraft videos on you tube, and I have learned that if I do not like losing a fair contest of any sort, I can just take to the streets and bitch about it until my hurt feelings fade or I have to go back to my parents' basement to lead my guild in World of Warcraft.

Therefore, should my picks suck this week, anyone wishing to grab a torch and pitchfork and start burning and looting neighborhood shops will likely receive favorable press coverage.


Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins (-3)

Who doesn't love games featuring a sinking ship against a sleeping donkey?

The Vikings have been racked by injuries and Sam Bradford has come to the always difficult realization that he is, in fact, Sam Bradford.


That doesn't bode well on the road even against a boring Redskins team that is the very embodiment of the term, "meh".



Denver Broncos @ New Orleans Saints (-3)


The Broncos are banged up, their defense is exhausted, their punter sucks, the offense can't execute, and the play-calling is atrocious.

Game footage illustrating the creativity and effectiveness of the Broncos running attack
If you can't put 30 points on the board in New Orleans, then you lose.

I hope I'm wrong, but if Kubiak rigidly adheres to his scheme, this one will be over long before the final whistle.


Seattle Seahawks @ New England Patriots (-7.5)


At last.  The two teams with the least-likable players and fan bases (sans Cowboys) in the NFL meet again.

With Michael Bennett out and Kam Chancellor rusty, I suspect that the dirty rat bastard cheating Patriots will put the wood to brash loudmouths of the Pacific NW.

For this week, mercifully, I don't care who wins as long as someone gets their asses kicked.



Chicago Bears @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)


Listen.

I know that Tampa is, yet again and perennially, rubbish.


Death.  Taxes.  Buccaneers being crappy..... 


But being a home underdog to a 2-6 Bears team that hasn't won a road game all year and is still featuring Cutler at the helm seems more than a little outlandish.

Did the Bucs just trade for Sam Bradford or something?  What am I missing here?

Seems trappy to me but I'm going to fall for it.



Season Record:19-16-1
Trap Game Record: 5-4

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 9

I'm gonna ride the "Don't pick teams that suck" train 1 more week and see how it goes.

No time for smart-assery today but I'll make up for it next week.

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (-4)

Tennessee Titans @ San Diego Chargers (-4)


Admiral Akbar Game:

Atlanta Falcons (-4) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Season Record:17-15
Trap Game Record: 4-4

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 8

It occurred to me as I scoured this week’s docket of games that somebody stole my crystal ball and replaced it with a fishbowl full of folly.

Try as I might, I simply could not find a single game that jumped out at me as a good pick, and for someone who relishes offering unsubstantiated opinions over a medium that belies rebuttal, the psychological impact was almost immeasurable.

Then it dawned upon me.

It was time to go back to the basics.

Any NFL game, if examined long enough, is going to look like a morass of contradictions and uncertainties.

Injuries, travel, rivalry games, time zones, coach had angry-ass after a bad burrito.  The possible impacts are beyond comprehension.

Perfection being the little fascist ally of paralysis, I opted for a new strategy:

I give you all…..The “Stop picking Teams that Suck Gambit”.

Enjoy.


New England Patriots (-5 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

What better way to get of the schneid than to pick the rat-bastard cheating Patriots to beat up on these clowns?

Brady is back, Belichick et al are hacked off about getting blanked by the Bills at home, and Buffalo is…well…we all know what Buffalo is.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Patriots to cheat and cover.

Uggs is out for blood this week



San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos (-4 ½)

I believe we can all agree that the 1980 Miracle on Ice was freaking awesome.

Now imagine that if we had to play a pissed-off Soviet team 2 weeks later in Moscow and they beat the #$%& out of us.

I think you see where I am going with this one.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  The Broncos roll in the revenge game.

If this guy beats us for a second time in 3 weeks I'll be super pissed.



Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

If there is one quality that I find so endearing about Packers fans, it is their ability to start getting pompous the second they show even the smallest glimmer of competence.

You’d think that last week’s home win over a 1-6 team playing with a 3rd string QB (who was, up until last week, playing competitive Dungeons & Dragons before signing with the bears) was the equivalent of defeating Napoleon at Waterloo the way people have been fawning over the Pack.

The Chicago Bears' QB upon hearing that he is to take the field against the Packers.


Beating crap teams at home only means only that you are better than crappy road teams.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Green Bay’s time is over.  Take Atlanta.


Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-4)

 The Philadelphia Eagles remind me of that loud-mouthed, unintelligent, average looking (but yet somehow unbearably pompous) dude we all knew in high school who, by some odd confluence of natural forces, end up landing a girlfriend who is WAY out of his league. 

That same guy goes off to college, convinced that he is some sort of studmoss, but strikes out because everyone can see he’s a low-quality ass-wagon..

The Eagles are an overrated turnover machine (pompous high school guy) that played like crap but somehow beat a team nobody thought they would (Minnesota) and then starts to think they are the Lords of the Gridiron.

It’s time for college Philly.  And you are an ass-wagon.

Don’t pick teams that suck and don’t fall for the trap laid by last week’s lucky win.

Dallas all the way.

Ye Gods I hate picking these guys....


Season Record: 14-14

Trap Game Record: 3-4

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 7

Yep.  I forgot to due the picks.

Buffs won though.

Here's week 7 for what it's worth:

Minnesota Vikings (-3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Oakland Raiders (+1.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (-1)


Admiral Akbar Game:

San Diego Chargers @ Atlanta Falcons (-5)

Season Record:13-11
Trap Game Record: 3-3

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 6

If last week’s 3-1 record is any indication, just popping on 30 minutes before kick-off and picking games without the accompanying smartassery is the ticket to success.

Since I like to be both successful and a wiseass, last minute panic is going to drive the creative juices this week.

Right then.  Let’s pick some games.


Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins (+3)

The Redskins are dangerously close to joining the ranks of the Bills, Patriots, and Browns as a team that does the exact opposite of what I pick them to do just to be dicks.

Still, being a home underdog in a division game against a team with a rookie QB is hard to pass up.

I’m holding my nose and picking the ‘Skins.

I feel like this every time I pick these guys to win.


Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (+3)

If Matt Ryan and the Falcons can throw for 500 yards against the Panthers’ secondary, then Drew Brees will have 900 yards passing today under the dome in the Big Easy.

Sadly, it still may not be enough to win because the Saints ‘D’ is like a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest, but I like the home team to cover this one also.

The real bet is whether or not Cam Newton is going to slow down and walk into the end zone this week like he's the Queen of England or something.  I'm betting he won't.


Cincinnati Bengals @ New England Patriots (-7 ½)

It has become fashionable among those insufferable lack-wit New England fans and their East coast apologists in the media to say that anyone who dislikes the Patriots is simply jealous of their success on the field.

While it is indeed true that hating teams that perennially suck like Cleveland or Jacksonville requires more effort, disliking villains is matter of them being villains, not distaste born of jealousy.

According to Patriot Nation, we dislike the following people/entities because we are jealous:

1)      Mussolini
2)       Biff Tannen from Back to the Future.
3)      The Confederacy
4)      Governor Tarkin from the first Star Wars movie.
5)      HOA’s.

Yep.  New England apologists believe you are jealous of this guy.

In fact, here is why we hate the Patriots:

1)      They script their first 15 plays and then shut off their opponents’ headsets during home games.
2)      Bill Belichick is a grumpy old woman who thinks being an imperious jerk is cool.
3)      They have cheated incessantly in dozens of ways for the last 15 years.
4)      Josh McDaniels is an unrepentant arsewagon who purposefully sabotaged the Broncos.
5)      Their fans root for the Germans in war films.

I’m taking the Patriots to win and cover this week just to put the jinx on them.

You’re welcome.



Atlanta Falcons@ Seattle Seahawks (-7)

Atlanta is playing some damn good ball right now.  Damn good.

I don’t care that Seattle is coming off a bye week, 7 points is a huge number in the NFL when 2 good teams are playing.

Somebody is begging us to take the Falcons here so they can add a new floor to their casino.

I’m not biting.




Give the points and take Seattle.


Season Record:  10-10
Trap Game Record: 3-2

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 5

Due to some substantial half-assing, I am just going to pick the games this week.


Cincinnati Bengals (-1) @  Dallas Cowboys


Houston Texans @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)


New York Jets @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-7)


Trap Game:

Philadelphia Eagles @ Detroit Lions (+3)



Season Record: 7-9

Trap Game Record: 2-2

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 4

I believe an apology is in order.

And no.  It’s not for going 1-3 last week on the picks you bunch of wiseasses.

I wish to sincerely apologize to our erstwhile allies across the pond in merry old England.

For how many moons have these poor blokes pined for a New England, Seattle, Pittsburgh, or Denver to roll into Wembley Park and put on a corking display of American gridiron violence only to be thoroughly buggered when the Jacksonville Jaguars show up for the 4th year in a row.

Photo of a typical Englishman after seeing the NFL's 2016 International Schedule 

If this were the 1800’s these guys would have crossed the ocean, burned down the Capital building, pee’d in our tea, and taken up residence in our homes until they extracted enough recompense to make it right.

But tell me readers, can we even offer enough to make up for 4 years of the Jaguars, Dolphins, and Raiders?  Our coffers would run as dry as the desert sands before we could ever hope to redress such an injustice.

We have paid back the misdeeds of King George a hundred-fold.  When Independence day next arrives and you think to celebrate our country by lighting something on fire or blowing something up with M-80’s, light a candle for the children of our old oppressors who wear Blake Bortals jerseys without truly understanding the shame.

Right then.  To the picks.


Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-7)

The nagging question of whether or not gingers have souls is not relevant for this particular game.



What is relevant is that Miami, at home, managed to make the Cleveland Browns look competent.

I need say no more.


Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (-8)

There are 2 major forces at work here that make this pick an easy one.

1)      Every time Arizona gets punked, they throttle the next team they play.

2)      If Jeff Fisher wins another game before losing one he will be 2 games above .500.  This is a violation of natural order.  An abomination.  Hamas and Israelis will be dancing in the streets singing songs of friendship and they will start painting zebra stripes on donkeys. 

I will NOT be on the wrong side of history.

Do the right thing and take the Cardinals here.


Detroit Lions (-3) @ Chicago Bears

I don’t care if it is impossible to distinguish photos of Detroit from those of Aleppo, the Chicago Bears are a 4-alarm dumpster fire.



Don’t bet on the dumpster fire.  Ever.


Seattle Seahawks @ New York Jets (+3)

If the now small-bearded and seemingly impotent Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 6 interceptions against Kansas City’s middling secondary, then logic and math dictate that he will throw 203 interceptions against Seattle.

Cavalry General Fitzpatrick would never have thrown 6 picks. 

If the logic is so glaringly obvious, then why is Seattle only favored by 3?

Screw you math.  I’m not falling for this trap.


Season Record: 6-6

Trap Game Record: 2-1

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 3

In less time than it took the Wehrmacht to defeat the French Army, I succumbed to the dreaded 2-2 week. 



I should have suspected that the Browns would somehow manage to hose me.

They didn’t even have the decency to lose the game properly, costing kind and well-meaning prognosticators like myself to miss the pick.

Who else but these senseless dunderpates can lose their second QB in as many weeks, drop their home opener because they could not resist the urge to taunt a mediocre opponent at a critical moment, and then have their best receiver who is not suspended or in jail break his hand without knowing how he did it?

Well played Cleveland.  Well played.

Let’s pick then shall we?


Arizona Cardinals (-4 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

Try as I might, I cannot remember a time when a team scored 31 points and then fired their offensive coordinator.

I am virtually certain such a thing has not occurred following a game when their defense game up 37 points and 500 yards to a beardless journeyman QB who sat out the entire pre-season in a bitter contract dispute and a 73-year old running back.

Of course, having your twin brother running the defense adds a new dimension to the situation.

3-cheers for nepotism!

Yet again, Buffalo sucks.  Take Arizona and give up as many points as you need.  It matters not.



Los Angeles Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-5)

If anyone reading this blog requires further proof of Newton’s Third Law then look no further than the Rams.

It is not possible for Jeff Fisher’s teams to put in 2 competent performances in consecutive weeks.  If they do well one week, they need to play like crap the next time they take the field. 

It is the order of things, and moving the team to some jerk-hole city like L.A. is not going to change the laws of physics.

Oh, and Jameis Winston steals crab legs.


 Natural law demands that we take the Bucs here.


Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers (-7)

When one listens long enough to the feel-good narrative coming out of Minnesota, it becomes painfully obvious that these people are desperately trying to convince themselves that they have something they don’t.

Dropping a whopping 17 points at home on a dysfunctional Packers team has suddenly turned Sam Bradford into Joe Montana and AP’s injury into an afterthought.

Poppycock.

If Adrian Peterson can’t find running room against a mediocre Green Bay front 7, then the non-entities that back him up may as well just take a knee whenever they touch the football.

Given how fragile Bradford is, I’d be surprised if he survives the first half.

I've never seen these 2 guys in the same room together.  Same dude maybe?


Take the Panthers all day here.


San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks (-10)

This game is so trappy that even I am not going to fall into it.



Consider the following:

  • ·         Seattle is favored by more points this week than they average in total per game.
  • ·         Russel Wilson is hobbled by a high-ankle sprain.
  • ·         Marshawn Lynch’s carcass can run with greater authority than Rawles or Michael.
  • ·         Their receiving corps looks like a M*A*S*H unit.
  • ·         Pete Carrol pompously let all his good offensive linemen go.
  • ·         Seattle fans are a bunch of wangs.


This is a huge number of points to give up but the Non-Harbaughs can’t walk from the window to the door without doing something stupid.

Ye Gods I despise this guy.  The 49ers could use his unique brand of assholery though.

I’m not falling for it this week.  Give me the ‘Hawks.

Season Record: 4-3

Trap Game Record: 1-1

Friday, September 16, 2016

Frey's 2016 NFL Picks: Week 2

Before we speak of anything else, let me first say: GO BUFFS!!!

In lieu of self-promoting comments detailing my robust 3-1 record against the spread last week, I have decided that an unscheduled rant is in order.

2016-2017 Unscheduled Rant #1:

The ESPN Power Ranking people are a bunch of dipshits.

1)      The Green Bay Packers squeak by a Jaguars team that hasn’t had a winning record since I had hair and they fly up 5 spots to #1?

2)      The Houston Texans struggle mightily at home to beat a Chicago team that might be crappier than anyone not named “Cleveland” and they move up from #13 to #7?

3)      Arizona hosts a Patriots team without their 2 best players, gets slapped around like Fredo from The Godfather II, loses the game, and only drops from #4 to #5?

4)      The Steelers travel to Washington DC and absolutely violate last year’s NFC East Champions and drop 2 spots to #4?

5)      Denver, with a QB who never took a meaningful snap in his career plays on national TV and defeats (for the 2nd time in a row) the best team in the NFC and not only stays put at #8, but is still ranked 2 spots behind the team whose ass we keep kicking?

The 4 letter network is clearly suffering from a talent gap.

ESPN's lead analyst in Bristol prepares the weekly power rankings


I've said my piece.  Lets’ pick some games.


Baltimore Ravens (-6 ½) @ Cleveland Browns

I’ve always felt that betting on games involving Cleveland is remarkably similar to dabbling in the fertilizer/manure industry.  You know that you are dealing with truckloads of shit, but there is serious money to be made if you can handle the stench.

The Browns are my sugar daddy.  No reason to change it up now. 

Take the Ravens and give the points.



Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos (-6)

I’m not entirely certain how a team that just lost at home to Detroit is going to come into the Mile High City against the defending champs and do anything other than get beaten like a circus monkey.

6 points is a lot to give up when you have a ball-control offense like Denver but we DID lacerate Andrew Luck’s kidney last time we played.

I’m just sayin’….

Andrew Luck relaxes after leading the Colts over the Broncos in 2015.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Arizona Cardinals (-6 ½)

In most circumstances, I encourage people to use their brains instead of listening to their guts when there is evidence available pointing the way to a logical conclusion.

Gut instinct is a remnant from the days when our species lived in trees flinging poo at each other while agonizing over whether or not the shadow of that tree branch over there was going to eat us.

That having been said, I have an overwhelming feeling that, despite crapping the bed against the Patriots, Arizona is going to come out and crack Tampa like stolen crab legs.

Sorry Hank.  I'm going gut this time....

Atlanta Falcons @ Oakland Raiders (-4 ½)

The idea of picking the Raiders to win over anybody can make even the stoutest of men feel dyspeptic at best.

However, any team that goes on the road and punks New Orleans HAS to be favored by more than 4 ½ at home against an Atlanta team that has sullied the name of mediocrity for 4 years running.

Either the Tampa team the smacked the Falcons in Atlanta last week is the reincarnation of the 87’ Giants or the team from Georgia sucks.

I'm inclined to believe that the latter is true and, if so:



I’ll go ahead and fall into this one anyway and take the arseholes in Oakland to cover.


2016 Season Record: 3-1

Trap Game Record: 1-0

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Frey's NFL Picks of the Week: Opening Week Extravaganza!

Well my friends, the time of year is upon us when worthy Americans (along with a spattering of uncharacteristically cool foreigners) turn on the TV, tune out naggy spouses, and bask in the glow of the NFL season.

Since most of my friends and family are buttholes, I suspect there will be some who would like to mention my less than auspicious playoff prognostication from last year but just as the Germans didn’t quit when the French bombed Pearl Harbor, I too shall persevere.

Here’s the picks you bunch of smartasses.

Carolina Panthers @ Denver Broncos (+3)

As is always the case when picking games involving my beloved Broncos, my heart and my brain engage in some sort of Carmelo Anthony-esque slapping contest.

It seems to me that in order to think that Carolina will win this game, you have to believe the following:

1)      Denver’s Defense is not as good as when these guys last played.
2)      Carolina’s offense is far better than it looked in the Super Bowl.
3)      Denver is worse at Home than on a Neutral field.
4)      Carolina is better without one of the top corners in the game.
5)      Denver’s QB will do worse than 13 of 23 with no TD’s, an interception, and a fumble.
6)      Cam Newton is not a whiny little bitch.

Yep.  Give me this guy in a tight spot.
Better O-line.  Superior QB play.  Home field.

Give me the Donkeys and I’ll take the 3.


Chicago Bears @ Houston Texans (-6 ½)

Initially, I was disinclined to pick this game due to the uncertainties.

I have no idea how Brock Osweiler will perform as the unquestioned starter of a new team in a new city.

John Fox has a terrific skill for taking crappy teams and making them mediocre.

The Texans, no matter how good on paper somehow manage to go 9-7 every freaking year.

JJ Watt just had major surgery to repair his back, replace both hips, and repair a ruptured goatee.

Then I remembered that the Bears are led by this guy:



It usually takes the Texans 3-4 weeks to find their mediocrity.  Until then, I’ll take them in their home opener against a crap team and lay the 6 ½.


New England Patriots @ Arizona Cardinals (-6)

The cheating rat-bastard Patriots are going to be without Tom Brady and without a pass rush.  Couple this with the fact that Carson Palmer cannot possibly be injured yet and this spells disaster for the AFC runner-ups.

Every season, New England has a couple games that they know they will not win and don’t really even try.  This is one of them.

Plus, Bill Belichik looks like the lady from “Throw Mama From the Train”



Cleveland Browns @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

And now for our Admiral Akbar game of the week.

Listen, I don’t care if Philadelphia is running a rookie quarterback and that they are a bunch of unrepentant jack-wagons who boo children and Santa Claus.

Even by Cleveland’s already legendary standards, this Browns team blows.

I might still pick the Eagles if this spread were 7.

This can only mean one thing:



Season Record:  0-0
Trap Game Record:  0-0

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Frey's Superbowl Breakdown and Wisdom Dispensary



“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

--Theodore Roosevelt

“Oh #@$%.  Here we go again.”

--Any Broncos fan born prior to 1980

Well…..Here we are.

Again.

In many ways, our collective journey as a life-long Broncos fans is not dissimilar to the post-World War II United States geo-political narrative.

Allow me to explain.

1)     American History:  In late 1945, the US surveyed the ruins of the old world order and found itself in the hitherto unknown position of being a global military superpower.  We were feeling pretty damn good about ourselves.
Broncos History:  In 1977, after years of mediocrity and, let face it, crappiness, the Denver Broncos found themselves atop the AFC for the first time in team history.  We were feeling pretty damn good about ourselves.

2)     American History:   In 1950, this new power was put to the test during the Korean War.  It didn’t go nearly as well as we might have hoped or (at least for the average American) expected, but when it concluded we were still confident about our future and felt pretty good about ourselves.
Broncos History:  In 1978 (Super Bowl XII) this new role was tested.  The result wasn’t pretty.  Denver committed a record 8 turnovers and never gave our bad-ass defense a chance.  Still, we were pleased with the direction of the franchise and saw a bright future ahead despite the setback.

3)     American History:  The US embroils itself in an ugly conflict in Vietnam following the Gulf of Tonkin Incident in 1964.  Confident, and eager to show our mettle following the underwhelming result in Korea, Americans rally to the flag. By the time our involvement ends 9 years later, optimism is dashed and the thought of another conflict strikes fear and revulsion in the national heart.
Broncos History:   The Broncos return to the Super Bowl in 1987 and get thumped.  They repeat as AFC champions in 1988 and then get slaughtered.  Against all odds they return in 1990 and are given a beatdown of biblical proportions by a historically good 49ers team.  By the time the smoke clears, optimism is dead in Denver, our team and city are cultural laughingstocks, and the very thought of returning to the big game causes grown men to collapse into the fetal position.  We carry this pain every day we draw breath.

For 20 years, we wore a cone of shame going into every season.

4)     American History:  The ghosts of Vietnam weigh heavily on the minds and hearts of all Americans as our forces take to the field of battle for the first time in nearly 2 decades.  With baited breath and a twinge of remembered dread, we await the outcome of Gulf War I.  The resulting and resounding victory lifts our souls and liberates our spirits from the demons of past failures.
Broncos History:  After a 7 year hiatus, Denver returns to the Super Bowl against a Packers team many consider an absolute Juggernaut.  The collective memory and shame of monumental defeats pervades most fans.  Even as we wear our Jerseys and high five each other, a sense of resignation taints the very air we breath but we carry on, whistling through the graveyard.  Against all expectations, the underdog Broncos pull off a stunning upset and follow it up by destroying the Falcons the next year.  No longer saddled with the dishonor of being losers like Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit, or Minnesota, we are sitting pretty in the Mile High City.

5)     American History:  Our previous successes still fresh in our minds, nobody doubts the inevitable victories that await us as we launch military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq.  After some stunning initial successes, the occupations take a toll and people begin to remember the pain of loss felt in the 60’s and 70’s.
Broncos History:  After 2 extremely successful seasons and a record-breaking offense, Denver returns to the Super Bowl.  Optimism is high and swagger is rampant throughout the city.  By half-time, I was back in the 1980’s rocking a curly mullet, listening to U2, and slinking away into a dark corner, shocked that I had forgotten the fear that lurks inside the psyche of the true Broncos Fan.

Not even those losers from Minnesota and Buffalo can understand the baggage we carry into these games.
So…..Here we are.

Again.


Super Bowl 50: Carolina Panthers vs. Denver Broncos
Spread:  Panthers -4

The Matchups:

Broncos Offense vs Carolina’s Defense:

As far as Super Bowl contenders are concerned, Denver’s offense sucks.  Badly.

Only the lamentable Tennessee Titans had more 3 and outs this year.

Game after agonizing game (including the AFC Championship against the damnable Patriots), when one or two measly first downs would seal the deal, our offense embarked on a campaign of almost criminal ineptitude.

Denver’s Offensive line is terrifying in its hideousity with career backups and habitually over-matched youngsters getting routinely abused by even journeyman-level opposition.

What little push they get in the trenches is negated by the fragile running style of Ronnie Hillman and the walking high-ankle sprain known as C.J. Anderson.

Ronnie Hillman meets reporters in the locker room following another day of hard running


The Bronco’s passing game is laughable.  Even if Manning is somehow able to summon the spirit of 2002 and create enough torque to get the ball to an open receiver, there is a 72% chance he drops it.

The Panthers are strong everywhere on defense aside from the secondary and have proven to be very susceptible to the deep ball.  Our guy can’t throw an accurate 30 yard ball without rupturing his spleen.

They have a Hall of Fame caliber linebacking corps that stuffs the run like crazy and is almost never beat to the edges.

Carolina will load the box up, run a 3 deep zone, pack the middle of the field, and dare Manning to beat them deep.

It looks ugly for the men in orange.  We just need to protect the ball.

Verdict:  Substantial Edge - Carolina


Carolina’s Offense vs Broncos Defense:

Depending upon the health of Denver’s safeties, the Panthers #1 offense may be in for a rude awakening.

The Broncos are fast, strong, confident, and extremely well coached.

Conversely, Denver’s ‘D’ has not seen anything even close to what Carolina throws at you.

Cam Newton is mobile, has a strong and accurate arm, and is (for the first time in his career) not making stupid decisions with the football.  Coupled with ridiculously fast receivers, Carolina’s big play potential is without peer.

They have a tremendous offensive line and a solid, if not spectacular, corps of running backs.

All this having been said, Denver’s Defense is a Boss.

Verdict:  Push


Special Teams:

I would say that Carolina’s kicking game is stellar but since they hardly ever punt and always score touchdowns in the red zone nobody knows.

Denver, on the other hand, punts all the time and is always settling for 3.  Kicking the football away in one form or another is our milieu.

Verdict:  Edge Denver


Intangibles:

The Broncos, as an organization, are riddled with individuals with big game experience and typically I would consider this an overwhelming advantage.

However, I think that the Panthers may actually be too brash (or too obtuse) to realize that their appalling lack of big game expertise is a detriment.

Like this guy, Carolina doesn't get it and maybe that's not such a bad thing.

The overwhelming consensus in areas outside the Rocky Mountain region is that Carolina is an unstoppable force and victory is almost a foregone conclusion.  In fact, local stations in Charlotte are already discussing the planned parade route for this coming Tuesday. 

Undoubtedly, the Panther’s coaching staff is feverishly trying to keep such talk from reaching the ears of their young players and are fabricating disrespect narratives in order to keep them focused during game preparation but it is a losing battle.  Being loose and confident is good.  Being over-confident against a Defense like the Broncos could be fatal.

Kubiak et al have the not insubstantial challenge of being conservative without being predictable and keeping Manning mellow enough that he doesn’t start to freak out if things start to go wrong.

Still, Denver faced a tougher schedule, overcame much more adversity, and has played in many hard-fought games this season.  Carolina played 14 cupcakes in 18 games and feasted on them.

Manning has a chance at an Elway-style fairy-tale ending and will leave nothing on the field.  Hell, we may even see “Old Guy Does a Helicopter Part II”.

Anybody who doesn't want to see Peyton Manning go out like this is a butthole pure and simple.

Verdict: Slight Edge Denver



The Game Plans

Carolina:

For most teams in this position, I would recommend they avail themselves of all manner of creative and unusual plays and formations.  The Panthers are no exception.

Their offensive line excels at run-blocking and manages the trenches like a spikey-helmeted German Sargent on the Western Front during The First World War so I suspect they will pound the ball, power sweep with Cam, and relentlessly attack the interior.

However, Denver is not what you would consider a “quick-strike” offense so go ahead and take risks down the field to keep the defense honest and try to jump out to an early lead.

We may see a few arm-punts on 3rd and long situations where they send Ted Ginn on a fly pattern and have Newton chuck the ball 50 yards downfield to try and draw an interference penalty.  If the ball is picked off nobody cares because it’s better than relying on a punter who hasn’t seen any meaningful action since 2013.

Defensively, the plan is simple:

Do what everybody else has been doing against Manning for the entire season.  Crowd the line, run a 3 deep zone, take away the short stuff, and force the 40 year-old with a bad foot and nerve damage to throw to the sidelines or beat you deep.  

Don’t worry about the running game.  Denver sucks at it.


Denver:

If the Broncos decide to attack one of the NFL’s premier defenses against the rush by running Ronnie Hillman and Chris Anderson off-tackle 30 times I am going to lose my freaking mind.

Reliable sources leaked the Bronco's offensive playbook last Wednesday.  You are seeing it here for the first time.


That Denver needs to protect the football, win the field position battle, and give their defense a chance to win the game is not in dispute.  However, Kubiak and Dennison must mix it up a bit by incorporating screens, misdirection, and maybe even a shovel pass or two into the docket.  Keep it safe but not predictable and head into the locker room at half-time within striking distance.

On defense, Denver needs to play a little more zone than they are accustomed to so that safeties and corners don't have their backs to one of the best running QBs in the game.  Mix in some man and disguise coverages.  Cam Newton isn't renowned for his mental prowess.  If you can confound Tom Brady, you can force Cam into doing something stupid from time to time.

Carolina reminds me of the CU Buffs in the 1990 Orange Bowl against Notre Dame.

Kubiak should Paraphrase Lou Holtz’s pre-game speech to The Irish:

''Number one, they're used to scoring a lot of points….They ain't playing any Tampa Bay. We've got to be patient on defense. Just play our football game. On offense, we want to control the football. All we want's a first down, first down, first down. Frustration will set in on Carolina’s offense.
''By the middle of the third quarter, they will leave the game plan completely and start grab-bagging. Remember me telling you that. They are not patient. The quarterback will want to make plays and we aren't gonna let him.''
If Denver is within a 7 points at halftime, the Orange and Blue may yet again reign supreme as Lords of the Gridiron.


Prediction:

Undoubtedly, there are people out there in my beloved city reading this blog and cringing with every praiseworthy statement I hurl at the Broncos.  My playoff record over the previous 2 years has been…..I am trying to think of a nice way to put it….shitty.

Well rest easy comrades.  Denver's offense has, at times, been so bereft of energy, imagination, and skill that it sets the game of football back 80 years.

I'd love to see '18' go out in a blaze of glory.  It would a fitting end to a magnificent career and a proper thanks to the man who returned hope and relevance to the organization.

But the reason we tell fairy tales to our children and flock to the theaters for feel-good stories isn't because such stories are commonplace.

For every John Elway there are 100 Dan Marinos.  


Carolina - 24

Denver 16