The Fryguy Invectives: Frey's NFL Picks of the Week: Opening Week Extravaganza!

Well my friends, the time of year is upon us when worthy Americans (along with a spattering of uncharacteristically cool foreigners) turn on the TV, tune out naggy spouses, and bask in the glow of the NFL season.

Since most of my friends and family are buttholes, I suspect there will be some who would like to mention my less than auspicious playoff prognostication from last year but just as the Germans didn’t quit when the French bombed Pearl Harbor, I too shall persevere.

Here’s the picks you bunch of smartasses.

Carolina Panthers @ Denver Broncos (+3)

As is always the case when picking games involving my beloved Broncos, my heart and my brain engage in some sort of Carmelo Anthony-esque slapping contest.

It seems to me that in order to think that Carolina will win this game, you have to believe the following:

1) Denver’s Defense is not as good as when these guys last played.

2) Carolina’s offense is far better than it looked in the Super Bowl.

3) Denver is worse at Home than on a Neutral field.

4) Carolina is better without one of the top corners in the game.

5) Denver’s QB will do worse than 13 of 23 with no TD’s, an interception, and a fumble.

6) Cam Newton is not a whiny little bitch.

Yep. Give me this guy in a tight spot.

Better O-line. Superior QB play. Home field.

Give me the Donkeys and I’ll take the 3.

Chicago Bears @ Houston Texans (-6 ½)

Initially, I was disinclined to pick this game due to the uncertainties.

I have no idea how Brock Osweiler will perform as the unquestioned starter of a new team in a new city.

John Fox has a terrific skill for taking crappy teams and making them mediocre.

The Texans, no matter how good on paper somehow manage to go 9-7 every freaking year.

JJ Watt just had major surgery to repair his back, replace both hips, and repair a ruptured goatee.

Then I remembered that the Bears are led by this guy:

It usually takes the Texans 3-4 weeks to find their mediocrity. Until then, I’ll take them in their home opener against a crap team and lay the 6 ½.

New England Patriots @ Arizona Cardinals (-6)

The cheating rat-bastard Patriots are going to be without Tom Brady and without a pass rush. Couple this with the fact that Carson Palmer cannot possibly be injured yet and this spells disaster for the AFC runner-ups.

Every season, New England has a couple games that they know they will not win and don’t really even try. This is one of them.

Plus, Bill Belichik looks like the lady from “Throw Mama From the Train”

Cleveland Browns @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

And now for our Admiral Akbar game of the week.

Listen, I don’t care if Philadelphia is running a rookie quarterback and that they are a bunch of unrepentant jack-wagons who boo children and Santa Claus.

Even by Cleveland’s already legendary standards, this Browns team blows.

I might still pick the Eagles if this spread were 7.

This can only mean one thing: