Welcome to the week 1 power rankings! You may notice, either to your chagrin or
unrelenting joy, that the following rantings are bit less verbose than usual.
I'm in
I would like to start out the season by saying what a bunch
of %$#&ing idiots the newbie tribe is for voting out Marissa. Unless we got jobbed by editing again, it
seems the entire reason they knocked out this poor girl was because her uncle
is a dick.
She did better at the water challenge than any
African-American female who has ever played the game, is obviously intelligent,
and (most importantly) also thinks her uncle is a dick, making her an
invaluable member of any alliance.
Hell, if I'm one of the guys in the "tool-time"
alliance, I vote her off last of all the women and probably after the loudmouth
football guy and Colton's boyfriend is one can almost certainly suspect is not
entirely comfortable allying himself with a bunch of meatheads.
To the rankings than!
#1) Vytas
He's not a loud-ass.
He's not a jack-ass. He's not a
ghard-ass. He's not engaged to the most horrible
human being on any island not called "Alcatraz ",
and he didn't just win a million bucks in another reality show like 4 weeks
ago.
He's also the only one who vocalized his opinion that voting
out Marissa was stupid, indicating that he has brains.
There is not a human being that I know worth a crap who
hasn't suffered through dark times in their days. Aras ' Brother's battles
will make him more relatable and empathetic to other players. It was also wise for him to downplay the fact
that he is a Math Professor lest people like Tyson get really jealous.
He's also in the dominant Alliance
#2) Heydan
Like everyone with
penis in the newbie tribe, Hayden is in a pretty good shape.
While it doesn't help that he's already been the recipient
of reality show largess, he is likable, self-deprecating, and has experience
making chuckleheads and nincompoops like him (see Big Brother: Season 12).
He's got the tools to get to the merge at the very least and
probably farther.
#3) Tyson
If there is one thing the tribe of returning players cannot
afford it is to lose strong male players. I know they won the last challenge but that
was due entirely to the wily old cougars, not to any physical prowess.
Tyson can build fires, he a very strong physical competitor,
and he usually starts out pretty chill.
If he can keep his genetic need to be a practitioner of dickery to a
minimum this time, he's got some serious longevity.
#4) Aras
See above, except that he already won a million bucks so
people will be far more wary of him.
Everyone knows Aras is a good guy and he already
saved a completely inept tribe-mate from drowning in 3 feet of water so it is unlikely
anyone wants to sit next to him in the end.
He's a virtual shoe-in for the merger though so if he can
parley his experience, likeability, and cool-brother into a majority alliance
he'll go places
#5) John
He's got a dong (puportedly), and they already wiped out one
of the remaining four ladies so he's not getting voted out yet. It doesn't get much safer than that.
I bet you 50 bucks that hot doctor-wife Candice humps Rupert
or Marissa before this guy gets any action considering that he unceremoniously
tossed her to redemption island...
#6) Caleb
I cannot for the life of me figure out why a totally normal,
ostensibly intelligent, and reasonably likable guy like Caleb would ever pledge
his love to a scumhole like Colton Colton
It is his association with Colton
I rank him above Brad because he's kind of an "under-the-radar" guy and I suspect he'll have some flexibility when it comes to jumping ship on
the tool-time alliance.
#7) Brad
I'm a broken record here, but he is a member of the only
known majority alliance. He is, however,
a millionaire athlete, a poor
strategist, and loves playing alpha dog.
Unless he can be a "Super-prick" that everyone
wants to take to the finals, he's just gonna end up being a regular prick that
everyone hates.
Still, he's safe for now.
This tribe is very difficult to peg right now. The previous episode gave us no insight to
any of the politics so I am left to simply guess as to what is going on.
Monica is twice the man Colton
#9) Laura
Oh %#&! I have
like 15 minutes.
Laura is kind of like Monica. Since I don't do that 8a and 8b bullcrap I'll
just say she's #9
#10) Rachel
I almost forgot who this woman was. i actually had to go to the google to see who
I was missing since my math didn't add up; on the rankings.
This is a pretty good sign this early in the game
#11) Kat
Kat is fun to look at compared to the rest of this motley crew
but nobody on a tribe of married men, gay guys, and cougars gives a damn.
She's half the age of Tina, hasn't already won a million
bones, and may be viewed as someone who would be easily manipulated so she has
some survivability for now.
#12) Gervase
He's kind of jerk, but not enough of one that you can't
handle him long enough to have him sitting next you in front of the final jury.
If he doesn't drown in the shower on the next episode, he'll
probably be OK.
#13) Tina
Tina knows what she is doing.
Everyone else knows that Tina knows what she is doing.
This is not a winning combination when you are a millionaire
54 year old on a tribe with an appalling lack of physical presence.
#14) Colton
Every season there is some Delta Bravo who lucks into power
and then acts like a son-of-a-bitch.
If there is anyone out there who believes Colton
Farquaad is a bastard and nobody on a team of savvy returning players is going to put up with it for long. If they cannot rattle of a string of challenge wins he's gone.
Farquaad is a bastard and nobody on a team of savvy returning players is going to put up with it for long. If they cannot rattle of a string of challenge wins he's gone.
#15) Ciera
She sucked ass at the puzzle and, somehow, everyone forgot
she sucked ass at the puzzle.
She's in the minority alliance. I know little else about her other than she's
like 20 and has 2 kids.
So she's a goer.
That has nothing to do with survivor when there are no single guys to woo.
#16 Rasputin's Wife
Well....
However, everyone on the island knows that Rasputin will go
the grave for his wife to advance even one more day in this game.
this makes it pretty hard to count on her to be unfailingly
loyal unless her and Rupert pull of the greatest ruse in Survivor history by
having her vote him off at the first opportunity
As cool as it would be, I don't think she makes it that far.
#17 Katie
She looked like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest
during that puzzle.
If Gervase hadn't drowned, come back to life, and then
talked crap, she'd be gone.
Katie better take care of business next week or she's gone
if it foes to tribal again.
#18) Candice
A lot of people have Rupert here, but since most doctors have steady nerves and nimble hands, I'm gonna give the nod to the hot doctor.
A lot of people have Rupert here, but since most doctors have steady nerves and nimble hands, I'm gonna give the nod to the hot doctor.
Plus, I think that the tormented Doctor John would totally
take her place given the obvious angst of his soul at abandoning her early.
If he doesn't, she'll be the next mistress of Doctor Kelso
from scrubs.
19) Rupert
20) Marissa
You got hosed. I
mean, seriously hosed.
I hope I'm wrong but I can't shake the feeling that you will
be only a memory when I next write.
I hope you punch your uncle Gervase in the wiener when you
get home.
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