Frey's NFL Picks: Week 8

It occurred to me as I scoured this week’s docket of games that somebody stole my crystal ball and replaced it with a fishbowl full of folly.

Try as I might, I simply could not find a single game that jumped out at me as a good pick, and for someone who relishes offering unsubstantiated opinions over a medium that belies rebuttal, the psychological impact was almost immeasurable.

Then it dawned upon me.

It was time to go back to the basics.

Any NFL game, if examined long enough, is going to look like a morass of contradictions and uncertainties.

Injuries, travel, rivalry games, time zones, coach had angry-ass after a bad burrito.  The possible impacts are beyond comprehension.

Perfection being the little fascist ally of paralysis, I opted for a new strategy:

I give you all…..The “Stop picking Teams that Suck Gambit”.

Enjoy.

New England Patriots (-5 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

What better way to get of the schneid than to pick the rat-bastard cheating Patriots to beat up on these clowns?

Brady is back, Belichick et al are hacked off about getting blanked by the Bills at home, and Buffalo is…well…we all know what Buffalo is.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Patriots to cheat and cover.

Uggs is out for blood this week

San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos (-4 ½)

I believe we can all agree that the 1980 Miracle on Ice was freaking awesome.

Now imagine that if we had to play a pissed-off Soviet team 2 weeks later in Moscow and they beat the #$%& out of us.

I think you see where I am going with this one.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  The Broncos roll in the revenge game.

If this guy beats us for a second time in 3 weeks I'll be super pissed.

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

If there is one quality that I find so endearing about Packers fans, it is their ability to start getting pompous the second they show even the smallest glimmer of competence.

You’d think that last week’s home win over a 1-6 team playing with a 3^rd string QB (who was, up until last week, playing competitive Dungeons & Dragons before signing with the bears) was the equivalent of defeating Napoleon at Waterloo the way people have been fawning over the Pack.

The Chicago Bears' QB upon hearing that he is to take the field against the Packers.

Beating crap teams at home only means only that you are better than crappy road teams.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Green Bay’s time is over.  Take Atlanta.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-4)

 The Philadelphia Eagles remind me of that loud-mouthed, unintelligent, average looking (but yet somehow unbearably pompous) dude we all knew in high school who, by some odd confluence of natural forces, end up landing a girlfriend who is WAY out of his league. 

That same guy goes off to college, convinced that he is some sort of studmoss, but strikes out because everyone can see he’s a low-quality ass-wagon..

The Eagles are an overrated turnover machine (pompous high school guy) that played like crap but somehow beat a team nobody thought they would (Minnesota) and then starts to think they are the Lords of the Gridiron.

It’s time for college Philly.  And you are an ass-wagon.

Don’t pick teams that suck and don’t fall for the trap laid by last week’s lucky win.

Dallas all the way.

Ye Gods I hate picking these guys....

Season Record: 14-14

Trap Game Record: 3-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 7

Yep.  I forgot to due the picks.

Buffs won though.

Here's week 7 for what it's worth:

Minnesota Vikings (-3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Oakland Raiders (+1.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (-1)


Admiral Akbar Game:

San Diego Chargers @ Atlanta Falcons (-5)

Season Record:13-11
Trap Game Record: 3-3

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 6

If last week’s 3-1 record is any indication, just popping on 30 minutes before kick-off and picking games without the accompanying smartassery is the ticket to success.

Since I like to be both successful and a wiseass, last minute panic is going to drive the creative juices this week.

Right then.  Let’s pick some games.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins (+3)

The Redskins are dangerously close to joining the ranks of the Bills, Patriots, and Browns as a team that does the exact opposite of what I pick them to do just to be dicks.

Still, being a home underdog in a division game against a team with a rookie QB is hard to pass up.

I’m holding my nose and picking the ‘Skins.

I feel like this every time I pick these guys to win.

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (+3)

If Matt Ryan and the Falcons can throw for 500 yards against the Panthers’ secondary, then Drew Brees will have 900 yards passing today under the dome in the Big Easy.

Sadly, it still may not be enough to win because the Saints ‘D’ is like a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest, but I like the home team to cover this one also.

The real bet is whether or not Cam Newton is going to slow down and walk into the end zone this week like he's the Queen of England or something.  I'm betting he won't.

Cincinnati Bengals @ New England Patriots (-7 ½)

It has become fashionable among those insufferable lack-wit New England fans and their East coast apologists in the media to say that anyone who dislikes the Patriots is simply jealous of their success on the field.

While it is indeed true that hating teams that perennially suck like Cleveland or Jacksonville requires more effort, disliking villains is matter of them being villains, not distaste born of jealousy.

According to Patriot Nation, we dislike the following people/entities because we are jealous:

1)      Mussolini

2)       Biff Tannen from Back to the Future.

3)      The Confederacy

4)      Governor Tarkin from the first Star Wars movie.

5)      HOA’s.

Yep.  New England apologists believe you are jealous of this guy.

In fact, here is why we hate the Patriots:

1)      They script their first 15 plays and then shut off their opponents’ headsets during home games.

2)      Bill Belichick is a grumpy old woman who thinks being an imperious jerk is cool.

3)      They have cheated incessantly in dozens of ways for the last 15 years.

4)      Josh McDaniels is an unrepentant arsewagon who purposefully sabotaged the Broncos.

5)      Their fans root for the Germans in war films.

I’m taking the Patriots to win and cover this week just to put the jinx on them.

You’re welcome.

Atlanta Falcons@ Seattle Seahawks (-7)

Atlanta is playing some damn good ball right now.  Damn good.

I don’t care that Seattle is coming off a bye week, 7 points is a huge number in the NFL when 2 good teams are playing.

Somebody is begging us to take the Falcons here so they can add a new floor to their casino.

I’m not biting.

Give the points and take Seattle.

Season Record:  10-10

Trap Game Record: 3-2

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 5

Due to some substantial half-assing, I am just going to pick the games this week.

Cincinnati Bengals (-1) @  Dallas Cowboys

Houston Texans @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-7)

Trap Game:

Philadelphia Eagles @ Detroit Lions (+3)

Season Record: 7-9

Trap Game Record: 2-2

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 4

I believe an apology is in order.

And no.  It’s not for going 1-3 last week on the picks you bunch of wiseasses.

I wish to sincerely apologize to our erstwhile allies across the pond in merry old England.

For how many moons have these poor blokes pined for a New England, Seattle, Pittsburgh, or Denver to roll into Wembley Park and put on a corking display of American gridiron violence only to be thoroughly buggered when the Jacksonville Jaguars show up for the 4^th year in a row.

Photo of a typical Englishman after seeing the NFL's 2016 International Schedule 

If this were the 1800’s these guys would have crossed the ocean, burned down the Capital building, pee’d in our tea, and taken up residence in our homes until they extracted enough recompense to make it right.

But tell me readers, can we even offer enough to make up for 4 years of the Jaguars, Dolphins, and Raiders?  Our coffers would run as dry as the desert sands before we could ever hope to redress such an injustice.

We have paid back the misdeeds of King George a hundred-fold.  When Independence day next arrives and you think to celebrate our country by lighting something on fire or blowing something up with M-80’s, light a candle for the children of our old oppressors who wear Blake Bortals jerseys without truly understanding the shame.

Right then.  To the picks.

Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-7)

The nagging question of whether or not gingers have souls is not relevant for this particular game.

What is relevant is that Miami, at home, managed to make the Cleveland Browns look competent.

I need say no more.

Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (-8)

There are 2 major forces at work here that make this pick an easy one.

1)      Every time Arizona gets punked, they throttle the next team they play.

2)      If Jeff Fisher wins another game before losing one he will be 2 games above .500.  This is a violation of natural order.  An abomination.  Hamas and Israelis will be dancing in the streets singing songs of friendship and they will start painting zebra stripes on donkeys. 

I will NOT be on the wrong side of history.

Do the right thing and take the Cardinals here.

Detroit Lions (-3) @ Chicago Bears

I don’t care if it is impossible to distinguish photos of Detroit from those of Aleppo, the Chicago Bears are a 4-alarm dumpster fire.

Don’t bet on the dumpster fire.  Ever.

Seattle Seahawks @ New York Jets (+3)

If the now small-bearded and seemingly impotent Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 6 interceptions against Kansas City’s middling secondary, then logic and math dictate that he will throw 203 interceptions against Seattle.

Cavalry General Fitzpatrick would never have thrown 6 picks. 

If the logic is so glaringly obvious, then why is Seattle only favored by 3?

Screw you math.  I’m not falling for this trap.

Season Record: 6-6

Trap Game Record: 2-1

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 3

In less time than it took the Wehrmacht to defeat the French Army, I succumbed to the dreaded 2-2 week. 

I should have suspected that the Browns would somehow manage to hose me.

They didn’t even have the decency to lose the game properly, costing kind and well-meaning prognosticators like myself to miss the pick.

Who else but these senseless dunderpates can lose their second QB in as many weeks, drop their home opener because they could not resist the urge to taunt a mediocre opponent at a critical moment, and then have their best receiver who is not suspended or in jail break his hand without knowing how he did it?

Well played Cleveland.  Well played.

Let’s pick then shall we?

Arizona Cardinals (-4 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

Try as I might, I cannot remember a time when a team scored 31 points and then fired their offensive coordinator.

I am virtually certain such a thing has not occurred following a game when their defense game up 37 points and 500 yards to a beardless journeyman QB who sat out the entire pre-season in a bitter contract dispute and a 73-year old running back.

Of course, having your twin brother running the defense adds a new dimension to the situation.

3-cheers for nepotism!

Yet again, Buffalo sucks.  Take Arizona and give up as many points as you need.  It matters not.

Los Angeles Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-5)

If anyone reading this blog requires further proof of Newton’s Third Law then look no further than the Rams.

It is not possible for Jeff Fisher’s teams to put in 2 competent performances in consecutive weeks.  If they do well one week, they need to play like crap the next time they take the field. 

It is the order of things, and moving the team to some jerk-hole city like L.A. is not going to change the laws of physics.

Oh, and Jameis Winston steals crab legs.

 Natural law demands that we take the Bucs here.

Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers (-7)

When one listens long enough to the feel-good narrative coming out of Minnesota, it becomes painfully obvious that these people are desperately trying to convince themselves that they have something they don’t.

Dropping a whopping 17 points at home on a dysfunctional Packers team has suddenly turned Sam Bradford into Joe Montana and AP’s injury into an afterthought.

Poppycock.

If Adrian Peterson can’t find running room against a mediocre Green Bay front 7, then the non-entities that back him up may as well just take a knee whenever they touch the football.

Given how fragile Bradford is, I’d be surprised if he survives the first half.

I've never seen these 2 guys in the same room together.  Same dude maybe?

Take the Panthers all day here.

San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks (-10)

This game is so trappy that even I am not going to fall into it.

Consider the following:

• ·         Seattle is favored by more points this week than they average in total per game.
• ·         Russel Wilson is hobbled by a high-ankle sprain.
• ·         Marshawn Lynch’s carcass can run with greater authority than Rawles or Michael.
• ·         Their receiving corps looks like a M*A*S*H unit.
• ·         Pete Carrol pompously let all his good offensive linemen go.
• ·         Seattle fans are a bunch of wangs.

This is a huge number of points to give up but the Non-Harbaughs can’t walk from the window to the door without doing something stupid.

Ye Gods I despise this guy.  The 49ers could use his unique brand of assholery though.

I’m not falling for it this week.  Give me the ‘Hawks.

Season Record: 4-3

Trap Game Record: 1-1

Frey's 2016 NFL Picks: Week 2

Before we speak of anything else, let me first say: GO BUFFS!!!

In lieu of self-promoting comments detailing my robust 3-1 record against the spread last week, I have decided that an unscheduled rant is in order.

2016-2017 Unscheduled Rant #1:

The ESPN Power Ranking people are a bunch of dipshits.

1)      The Green Bay Packers squeak by a Jaguars team that hasn’t had a winning record since I had hair and they fly up 5 spots to #1?

2)      The Houston Texans struggle mightily at home to beat a Chicago team that might be crappier than anyone not named “Cleveland” and they move up from #13 to #7?

3)      Arizona hosts a Patriots team without their 2 best players, gets slapped around like Fredo from The Godfather II, loses the game, and only drops from #4 to #5?

4)      The Steelers travel to Washington DC and absolutely violate last year’s NFC East Champions and drop 2 spots to #4?

5)      Denver, with a QB who never took a meaningful snap in his career plays on national TV and defeats (for the 2^nd time in a row) the best team in the NFC and not only stays put at #8, but is still ranked 2 spots behind the team whose ass we keep kicking?

The 4 letter network is clearly suffering from a talent gap.

ESPN's lead analyst in Bristol prepares the weekly power rankings

I've said my piece.  Lets’ pick some games.

Baltimore Ravens (-6 ½) @ Cleveland Browns

I’ve always felt that betting on games involving Cleveland is remarkably similar to dabbling in the fertilizer/manure industry.  You know that you are dealing with truckloads of shit, but there is serious money to be made if you can handle the stench.

The Browns are my sugar daddy.  No reason to change it up now. 

Take the Ravens and give the points.

Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos (-6)

I’m not entirely certain how a team that just lost at home to Detroit is going to come into the Mile High City against the defending champs and do anything other than get beaten like a circus monkey.

6 points is a lot to give up when you have a ball-control offense like Denver but we DID lacerate Andrew Luck’s kidney last time we played.

I’m just sayin’….

Andrew Luck relaxes after leading the Colts over the Broncos in 2015.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Arizona Cardinals (-6 ½)

In most circumstances, I encourage people to use their brains instead of listening to their guts when there is evidence available pointing the way to a logical conclusion.

Gut instinct is a remnant from the days when our species lived in trees flinging poo at each other while agonizing over whether or not the shadow of that tree branch over there was going to eat us.

That having been said, I have an overwhelming feeling that, despite crapping the bed against the Patriots, Arizona is going to come out and crack Tampa like stolen crab legs.

Sorry Hank.  I'm going gut this time....

Atlanta Falcons @ Oakland Raiders (-4 ½)

The idea of picking the Raiders to win over anybody can make even the stoutest of men feel dyspeptic at best.

However, any team that goes on the road and punks New Orleans HAS to be favored by more than 4 ½ at home against an Atlanta team that has sullied the name of mediocrity for 4 years running.

Either the Tampa team the smacked the Falcons in Atlanta last week is the reincarnation of the 87’ Giants or the team from Georgia sucks.

I'm inclined to believe that the latter is true and, if so:

I’ll go ahead and fall into this one anyway and take the arseholes in Oakland to cover.

2016 Season Record: 3-1

Trap Game Record: 1-0