Ernest Byner fumbling the football while going in for the
go-ahead touchdown in the AFC Championship game.
The Wehrmacht
stopping their advance in order to allow the British Expeditionary Force to
escape at Dunkirk.
Charlie Brown when he forgot to make the last turn in a race
that he was clearly going to win.
Tony Romo fumbling the extra point in the playoffs.
 |
| I still laugh when I see this. %$#@ing Cowboys.... |
My pot-smoking poker buddies who check-fold winning hands.
Well Mike, welcome to the shameful legion of those who take
an almost certain victory, crumple it up into a big ball, and cast it into a
huge toilet fire.
Sure there we people in Survivor who made dumber moves.
There was the ice-cream guy without an alliance who gave up
his immunity necklace and then got wiped.
There was that snarky Mormon guy who forgot simple
arithmetic and voted wrong.
There was that grave-digger guy who got voted out with like
7 un-played immunity idols in his pocket.
None of the aforementioned players had control of the game
in the manner that Mike enjoyed before he decided to pull a total arsehole move
and try to overtly screw over his alliance-mates during one of the most
emotional portions of any season (letters from home).
To borrow from a famous phrase, 90% of this game is half
emotional.
You agree to spend your 20 bucks on a letter from home.
You funnel a bunch of skeptical looking people ahead of you
in line to collect their letter.
You dismiss their concern by promising that you would never
abuse trust.
Then you turn around and go back to the bench prepared to
outbid even your teammates and allies on the advantage.
Only upon seeing the look of outrage and hurt on the face of
every other player (coupled with some profanity from Patty/Selma do you have a
change of heart and run up to grab you letter.
The severity of the error correlates with the position of
the individual who errs.
If ice cream guy jacks up, who cares? He was never going to win.
Mike had the million bucks in his bank account already and,
in the most inept possible fashion, crapped it away.
When I was 19, I thought I could drink a 5th of
gin by myself and then climb a barbed wire fence at Folsom Field in Boulder in
a blizzard while carrying a six-pack of Keystone Light and a Frisbee.
Without getting too specific regarding the result, that was
a minor lapse in judgment compared to Mike’s colossal miscalculation.
The king who would become man.
Terribly played Mike.
Terribly played.
Anyway, let’s get to the rankings:
#8:
Shirin
I truly do feel bad for this woman. Nobody deserves the heaping of personal abuse
she suffered at Will’s hands last week.
Maybe if I spent 10 minutes speaking with her I’d want to beat her with
a tire iron but, for now, I feel bad for her.
I’m glad she refused to let Will have his letter from home
but I wish she had been honest about why she did so. Trumpeting your own pettiness might help you,
as a goat, get to the end. Once there,
the 3 no-collars on the jury will give you their votes just because everyone
else sucks so you have a chance.
The tribe’s disdain for this woman continues to be a source
of confusion to me. It’s like Michael
Scott’s hatred for Toby the HR guy on The
Office.
 |
| Man I just wanna punch this guy...... |
Mike has the idol and knows he’s a target so I think Shirin,
despite her goat potential, is going to be on the block.
#7 Mike
If it wasn’t enough to totally violate the trust of even
your most feverish supporters in the most despicable way possible, you then
ruin what little solace they might find in the letters of loved ones by
publicly outing Rodney.
Let me tell you something Mike. If you had come back to camp after what you
just pulled and said that fire is hot, people would have cast themselves upon
it in their certainty that you were full of crap.
Like it or not, the messenger often eclipses the message.
It didn’t matter that you heard Rodney plotting.
What mattered was that you screwed people over in a total
Delta Bravo move and then started pointing the finger at someone else
publicly when people just wanted to read their letters.
Worst of all, you just made me look like a jackass for
promoting your expertise for the last 4 weeks.
The million bucks was yours Mike and you squandered it.
#6 Dan
I’m not in Nicaragua as far as I know, but this guy
obviously is letting the pressure get to him.
His tantrum at the fire about what he was going to do with his
vote reminded me of when Gandalf asked Bilbo to leave The Ring with him before
departing for Rivendell …..
 |
| "Its my vote! Mine I tell you!" |
The rest of the tribe may not know what kind of advantage
Dan gleaned from the auction, but they know it didn’t come to play in the
immunity challenge.
Dan is the only guy in the game that is likely hurt by
having the extra vote advantage. The
target may have migrated to him as a result.
Before he had it, he was just the little hairy butthole guy
who mistreats women and said dumb things.
Now he’s the little hairy butthole guy who mistreats woman
and says dumb things and has an extra vote.
#5:
Will
Initially, I was wondering why Will didn’t bring the whole
box over with the food and the note when he returned to camp, effectively
eliminating any doubt as to whether or not he was hiding anything.
Then it occurred to me.
It’s Will. The very thought of
carrying a couple extra pounds without being fueled by righteous indignation
was probably a non-starter.
 |
| This guy ain't schlepping a box 40 feet to camp |
I was also shocked that Jeff Probst allowed the other
players to determine if Will could forgo an immunity chance during the
challenge to read notes from his loved ones.
That’s kind of a 1-way deal there isn’t it? Does anyone honestly believe that there is a
single challenge out there that Will might actually win? Will was attempting to trade nothing for
something and Trader Jeff was gonna let it happen.
Here’s what I am going to try with my wife when she gets
home from work:
Me: “Honey, I have a
deal for you. I will forego my opportunity
to become the captain of the Starship Enterprise if you will let me buy season
tickets to the Broncos with the kids’ college money.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Will also played a crap game as any hope he might have had
for obtaining the “cool guy” vote if he makes it to the end was lost by his
unnecessary and, dare I say, disturbing personal attack on Shirin.
#4 Rodney
This season, I have developed a firm dislike for
Rodney. He is boorish, misogynistic,
loud, unconscionably annoying, and from Boston.
Despite these damning condemnations (all of which are true)
he seems to be the only guy who has recognized the importance of emotions and
how they can run the show in Survivor.
Rodney has a sixth sense for vulnerably and is timely and
effective in the way he exploits it.
After Mike’s monumental gaffe, Boston Rod swooped in on Dan
like he was a 22 year-old Boston beer wench who just got dumped after a 4 year
romance and massaged him like crazy.
Rodney is actually playing quite well but I think that
Carolyn and Tyler are smarter.
#3 Sierra:
You know…Sierra? 6
feet tall? Plaid Shirt?
#2 Carolyn:
Due almost exclusively to the ineptitude of the other
players, I moved Carolyn back up to the front of the pack.
I know she has an idol which gives her more short term
survivability than Tyler, but at the rate these guys are self-immolating I will
be shocked if she needs it.
Carolyn does not bring home the #1 spot for two reasons.
- She cannot be counted on to go on an immunity run if things go south
- She just doesn’t seem that likable. Jury votes are hard to come by for people who suck on a personal level.
#1 Tyler:
Everybody left ion this game has blundered in such a way
that any prospective jury will eviscerate them:
Mike: Even apologists of bible-thumping oil
drillers are speechless by his actions last week.
Sierra: She’s the lady who rides barrels…I think….
Rodney: If he could only do an impression of a decent
human being he might have a shot.
Shirin: I spoke with Ghandi’s ghost. He also wants to punch her in the face for
some reason.
Carolyn: She looks and sounds like Roz from Monster’s Inc….
Will: Everyone south of the equator may, for
reasons still unknown, want to smack Shirin, but Will still went way too far….
Dan: Every time I think of this guy in front of
the jury I start to laugh. I officially
offer my prayer to all the great powers that we get a chance to hear Dan plead
his case in the final council. <falls
to his knees in solemn appeal>
Suffice it to say, Tyler wins if he makes it to the
end.
He’s not a target.
Nobody hates him.
He once kicked field goals for the Denver Broncos in
training camp.
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