Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Power Rankings! Sort of....



Historically, Survivor seasons start off somewhat sluggishly for the viewer.

For the first couple of weeks, we learn about the characters, develop appreciation or disdain, and finally immerse ourselves in the game once we get a handle on the people and the dynamics.

In stark contrast, this season shot out of the starting gate like a pack of greyhounds on amphetamines and each dog continued around the track as if possessed by the spirit of Hermes.

I stood up from my couch and marveled at the race.  So much was happening.  So much won or lost by genius, ineptitude, or plain dumb luck.

But then something happened. 

The race was still entertaining. 

The remaining hounds were still locked in a dead heat and giving their maximum effort.

The long awaited finish line is finally in sight.

It is here that even the more casual observer leans forward in their seat, casts around crazy theories and predictions, and prepares for a wild ride.

Therefore, it was with no small amount of chagrin that I noticed my slightly waning interest and it wasn’t long before the reason revealed itself to me.

This season of Survivor is like the 2014-2015 Super Bowl.

The teams may be great and the game itself exceptional, but I absolutely loathe just about everyone on the field.

All the dogs for who I loved cheering (Joe, Jenn, Max) have dropped out of the race.

Even Shirin, admittedly annoying and often bottomless, became a sympathetic figure when compared to these miserable human beings who now run the dominant alliance. 

Rooting for her was like pulling for the 3-legged dog wearing the bucket on its head and, because many of us have humanity in our souls, it felt good to simply oppose her enemies.

I don’t care how good the contest might be, if all of the participants are abhorrent it sucks much of the joy from the event.

This week, I am going to rank the remaining players not by their prospects for victory but on a scale of despicability.  I probably don’t need to tell you this, but the #1 spot is for the person who sucks the most.


#7:  Sierra:

About the only thing (positive or negative) I can say about this woman is, “Who the @#$% is Sierra?”

Sierra is also surprised to learn that this, in fact, is Sierra.

#6: Tyler

It has come to my attention that it is totally within the rules of the game to rifle through people’s crap at camp as long as you do not steal anything.

Dan’s idiocy at simply stuffing a gigantic mahogany box with his “secret” advantage into his pack and dropping it in the corner of the shelter before wondering off to go be a dick to someone notwithstanding, going through people’s stuff is kind of a butthole move.

Dan's clever hiding place for his game advantage....


Tyler’s deviousness is beginning to make him look less like a Cochran and more like a Hantz.

Still, he has not yet, at any time, said or done anything with an obvious ill-spirit.  He is simply a student of Machiavelli trying to win a million bucks.


#5: Carolyn

Tyler’s friend and ally Carolyn lives at the opposite end of the spectrum of shiftiness. 

I don’t see Carolyn as the type of person to sift through other people’s small-clothes or to artfully mislead someone regarding her feelings so she’s got that going for her.

Maybe it is her “Roz from Monsters Inc.” voice, but she just seems like a bad lady.  She routinely assassinated Shirin’s character to other players and exudes an air of pomposity that often leaks out of many high ranking executives.

"I'm watching you Rodney, always watching.  Always.....


It is her inability to conduct effective pretense that makes her less dangerous than Tyler in the long-term.  In fact, I bet if she was told that she would receive the million dollars if she could look Shirin in the eye and say, “I like you” she would probably vomit on her legs and then have a seizure.


#4) Mike

It is not my wish to attribute too much assholery to Mike based solely upon the fact that he promised his alliance, nay his friends, that he would join them in collectively purchasing letters from loved ones so everyone could be happy and he could still have a 1 in 3 shot at the advantage only to practically shove them in front of him and then back out of his commitment.

After 30 days away from family and friends, subsisting on a near starvation diet and getting eaten alive by bugs, people tend to get a bit emotional when it comes to getting encouragement from the important people in their lives.

The fact that Mike could not see the strategic and personal ramifications of his decision is shocking.  That he would then go back to camp and start a huge fight when people just wanted to read their letters is almost sociopathic.

A visual representation of Mike's recent game strategy.

Then I remembered that this is the same self-righteous a-hole that yelled at his exhausted tribe-mates for not working as frequently and/or as hard as he wanted them to do despite the excellent condition of their camp.

His defense of Shirin while she was getting verbally assaulted and the fact that he has redeemed himself from a strategic standpoint with his exceptional play last week will likely result in my rooting for him to win but I’m pretty pissed off about having to do so.


#3 Rodney

For the first 6 weeks of the season, Rodney received one of the least favorable edits I have ever seen.

I am not going to rehash all of his foibles today as they are well documented and well known.

Boston Rod’s #3 ranking is not simply a measure of his jackassery, but also factors in intent.

I suspect there is a snake out there somewhere that has killed more people than OJ Simpson has (thus far). 

Locals probably don’t like the snake.  In fact, I bet they would like to dispose of it as soon as possible.

But I doubt anyone would say that the snake has a worse heart or a petty and ill spirit.

Rodney is more ignoramus than evil.  Whatever forces (mom, city of Boston, random longshoreman) that raised and nurtured this guy have clearly imparted an archaic and comical worldview.

Utopia according to Rodney


Still, intent or not, anyone who believes that all “real men” simply brawl in the streets to resolve disagreements should probably be sterilized.


#2 Will:

Few indeed are the people who can maintain emotional control and make good decisions when under extreme duress.

When not in Nicaragua, Will serves drinks to thirsty people and sings for free gasoline. 

It is obvious to all that Will’s body and mind are totally giving out.

How he mustered up the strength to assault Shirin is still a mystery to me...


But I think it is more than that.


Abe Lincoln once said (and I am paraphrasing here) that if you wish to test a man’s character, give him power.

Will selected the only person left in the game that could not or would not defend themselves and then attacked them relentlessly.

He didn’t attack the beefy oil-driller.

He didn’t assault the spirited hippy chick that would have shredded him.

He went after a lonely, disliked, and frightened woman with a long (and known) history of verbal abuse who was not a member of the majority alliance and has no power either in or out of game to stop him.

Even after 3 days have passed without further conflict, Will refused to offer even a “Dan-esque” apology at tribal, almost certainly alienating himself from the jury and proving himself to be not only a dillhole but a fool.


#1 Dan:

Dan would actually be dangerous if he wasn’t such a dipshit.

It was with great mirth that I watched him tell the conspirators on the catamaran that he told Mike that he was crazy and that the alliance wasn’t targeting him.

In a way, he is absolutely correct. 

Dan’s alliance wasn’t, in fact targeting Mike.  Dan is just too dumb to know that he’s not actually in an alliance.  Jackass….

There are 2 particular qualities about this guy that continue to surprise me:

1)  I’ve never seen a person do and say such nasty things (always to or about a woman) but still firmly believe that they are a decent human being.
  •  “[Women] don’t want the explanation.  They just want you to say you’re sorry so they can say they were right."
  •  “Somebody slap this woman.  For the love of God, just slap her and shut her up already.”
  •     “Apparently, there’s violence in her history.  If that’s the case, I feel very bad for her.  However….(Insert victim blaming rant here).
  • “Just shut your mouth, open your ears, and watch what happens.”
  •   “Listen Sierra, I’m sorry for what happened at camp but everything bad that happens in either this world or the next is entirely your fault you barrel riding *itch.”
  •   “Listen, I’m just trying to be nice here.  You are a worthless piece of trash who can’t count and who everybody hates.  Your existence offends all of us, particularly God.  Go $#@& yourself Shirin.  I’m just trying to be nice….”

      2)   He's drawn to drama and filth as a moth is to flame or as the New England Patriots* are to cheating.

Take a moment, if you will, to consider this most recent tribal council.

A weeping Shirin is describing her heartbreaking history of domestic abuse and explaining just why it is that she has no family.  The disgusted jury glares at Will for his unconscionable, personal attack on a very vulnerable, if bottomless, woman.

Jeff Probst, with genuine concern and confusion, asks Will why he doesn't simply apologize for engaging in behavior that was clearly out of line no matter what his feelings may have been at the time.  Will, now firmly entrenched in “unrepentant bastard” mode, pompously refuses, earning an even greater amount of scorn and incredulity from players and jurors alike.

Then it happens.

Out of Nowhere, Dan attempts to totally diminish the past and present suffering of Shirin by equating years of verbal domestic abuse at the hands of men to the fact that he was adopted.

It was like he said, “Wait a sec Jeff, I can’t sit here and let all of this pain and reeking injustice stay where it belongs.  Let me rub some of that stench on me.  In fact, I’m going to be so shockingly callous, that even wife-beaters are going to squirm in their seats a little bit if they are watching at home.”


I shiver at the thought of what would happen if Dan was asked about his opinion on genocide.

“Listen Jeff, I understand that she lost her entire family to the killing fields in Cambodia, but what about me?   I got stung by a wasp once while delivering mail and my loving adoptive mother had to place a moistened teabag on my forearm for like 10 minutes.”


He might cry when he thinks about his wife, but there is no beating Dan on the despicability scale.

"I could really learn a few things from this Dan guy....."

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