For the first couple of
weeks, we learn about the characters, develop appreciation or disdain, and
finally immerse ourselves in the game once we get a handle on the people and
the dynamics.
In stark contrast, this
season shot out of the starting gate like a pack of greyhounds on amphetamines
and each dog continued around the track as if possessed by the spirit of
Hermes.
I stood up from my couch
and marveled at the race. So much was
happening. So much won or lost by
genius, ineptitude, or plain dumb luck.
But then something
happened.
The race was still
entertaining.
The remaining hounds were
still locked in a dead heat and giving their maximum effort.
The long awaited finish
line is finally in sight.
It is here that even the
more casual observer leans forward in their seat, casts around crazy theories
and predictions, and prepares for a wild ride.
Therefore, it was with no
small amount of chagrin that I noticed my slightly waning interest and it wasn’t
long before the reason revealed itself to me.
This season of Survivor is
like the 2014-2015 Super Bowl.
The teams may be great and the
game itself exceptional, but I absolutely loathe just about everyone on the
field.
All the dogs for who I
loved cheering (Joe, Jenn, Max) have dropped out of the race.
Even Shirin, admittedly
annoying and often bottomless, became a sympathetic figure when compared to
these miserable human beings who now run the dominant alliance.
Rooting for her was like
pulling for the 3-legged dog wearing the bucket on its head and, because many
of us have humanity in our souls, it felt good to simply oppose her enemies.
I don’t care how good the
contest might be, if all of the participants are abhorrent it sucks much of the
joy from the event.
This week, I am going to
rank the remaining players not by their prospects for victory but on a scale of
despicability. I probably don’t need to
tell you this, but the #1 spot is for the person who sucks the most.
#7: Sierra:
About the only thing
(positive or negative) I can say about this woman is, “Who the @#$% is Sierra?”
#6: Tyler
It has come to my attention
that it is totally within the rules of the game to rifle through people’s crap
at camp as long as you do not steal anything.
Dan’s idiocy at simply
stuffing a gigantic mahogany box with his “secret” advantage into his pack and
dropping it in the corner of the shelter before wondering off to go be a dick
to someone notwithstanding, going through people’s stuff is kind of a butthole
move.
Dan's clever hiding place for his game advantage.... |
Tyler’s deviousness is
beginning to make him look less like a Cochran and more like a Hantz.
Still, he has not yet, at
any time, said or done anything with an obvious ill-spirit. He is simply a student of Machiavelli trying
to win a million bucks.
#5: Carolyn
Tyler’s friend and ally Carolyn
lives at the opposite end of the spectrum of shiftiness.
I don’t see Carolyn as the
type of person to sift through other people’s small-clothes or to artfully
mislead someone regarding her feelings so she’s got that going for her.
Maybe it is her “Roz from Monsters Inc.” voice, but she just seems
like a bad lady. She routinely
assassinated Shirin’s character to other players and
exudes an air of pomposity that often leaks out of many high ranking executives.
"I'm watching you Rodney, always watching. Always..... |
It is her inability to
conduct effective pretense that makes her less dangerous than Tyler in the
long-term. In fact, I bet if she was
told that she would receive the million dollars if she could look Shirin in the
eye and say, “I like you” she would probably vomit on her legs and then have a
seizure.
#4) Mike
It is not my wish to
attribute too much assholery to Mike based solely upon the fact that he
promised his alliance, nay his friends, that he would join them in collectively
purchasing letters from loved ones so everyone could be happy and he could
still have a 1 in 3 shot at the advantage only to practically shove them in
front of him and then back out of his commitment.
After 30 days away from
family and friends, subsisting on a near starvation diet and getting eaten alive
by bugs, people tend to get a bit emotional when it comes to getting
encouragement from the important people in their lives.
The fact that Mike could
not see the strategic and personal ramifications of his decision is shocking. That he would then go back to camp and start
a huge fight when people just wanted to read their letters is almost
sociopathic.
Then I remembered that this
is the same self-righteous a-hole that yelled at his exhausted tribe-mates for
not working as frequently and/or as hard as he wanted them to do despite the
excellent condition of their camp.
His defense of Shirin while
she was getting verbally assaulted and the fact that he has redeemed himself
from a strategic standpoint with his exceptional play last week will likely
result in my rooting for him to win but I’m pretty pissed off about having to
do so.
#3 Rodney
For the first 6 weeks of
the season, Rodney received one of the least favorable edits I have ever seen.
I am not going to rehash
all of his foibles today as they are well documented and well known.
Boston Rod’s #3 ranking is
not simply a measure of his jackassery, but also factors in intent.
I suspect there is a snake
out there somewhere that has killed more people than OJ Simpson has (thus
far).
Locals probably don’t like
the snake. In fact, I bet they would
like to dispose of it as soon as possible.
But I doubt anyone would
say that the snake has a worse heart or a petty and ill spirit.
Rodney is more ignoramus
than evil. Whatever forces (mom, city of
Boston, random longshoreman) that raised and nurtured this guy have clearly
imparted an archaic and comical worldview.
Utopia according to Rodney |
Still, intent or not,
anyone who believes that all “real men”
simply brawl in the streets to resolve disagreements should probably be
sterilized.
#2 Will:
Few indeed are the people
who can maintain emotional control and make good decisions when under extreme
duress.
When not in Nicaragua, Will
serves drinks to thirsty people and sings for free gasoline.
It is obvious to all that
Will’s body and mind are totally giving out.
How he mustered up the strength to assault Shirin is still a mystery to me... |
But I think it is more than
that.
Abe Lincoln once said (and
I am paraphrasing here) that if you wish to test a man’s character, give him
power.
Will selected the only
person left in the game that could not or would not defend themselves and then
attacked them relentlessly.
He didn’t attack the beefy
oil-driller.
He didn’t assault the spirited
hippy chick that would have shredded him.
He went after a lonely, disliked,
and frightened woman with a long (and known) history of verbal abuse who was
not a member of the majority alliance and has no power either in or out of game
to stop him.
Even after 3 days have
passed without further conflict, Will refused to offer even a “Dan-esque”
apology at tribal, almost certainly alienating himself from the jury and
proving himself to be not only a dillhole but a fool.
#1 Dan:
Dan would actually be dangerous if he wasn’t such a dipshit.
It was with great mirth that I watched him tell the conspirators
on the catamaran that he told Mike that he was crazy and that the alliance wasn’t
targeting him.
In a way, he is absolutely correct.
Dan’s alliance
wasn’t, in fact targeting Mike. Dan is
just too dumb to know that he’s not actually in an alliance. Jackass….
There are 2 particular qualities about this guy that continue to
surprise me:
1) I’ve never seen a person do and say such nasty things (always to or about a woman) but still firmly believe that they are a decent human being.
1) I’ve never seen a person do and say such nasty things (always to or about a woman) but still firmly believe that they are a decent human being.
- “[Women] don’t want the explanation. They just want you to say you’re sorry so they can say they were right."
- “Somebody slap this woman. For the love of God, just slap her and shut her up already.”
- “Apparently, there’s violence in her history. If that’s the case, I feel very bad for her. However….(Insert victim blaming rant here).
- “Just shut your mouth, open your ears, and watch what happens.”
- “Listen Sierra, I’m sorry for what happened at camp but everything bad that happens in either this world or the next is entirely your fault you barrel riding *itch.”
- “Listen, I’m just trying to be nice here. You are a worthless piece of trash who can’t count and who everybody hates. Your existence offends all of us, particularly God. Go $#@& yourself Shirin. I’m just trying to be nice….”
2) He's drawn to drama and filth as a moth is to
flame or as the New England Patriots* are to cheating.
Take a moment, if you will, to consider this most recent
tribal council.
A weeping Shirin is describing her heartbreaking history of domestic abuse and
explaining just why it is that she has no family. The disgusted jury glares at Will for his unconscionable,
personal attack on a very vulnerable, if bottomless, woman.
Jeff Probst, with genuine concern and confusion, asks Will why he doesn't simply apologize for engaging
in behavior that was clearly out of line no matter what his feelings may have
been at the time. Will, now firmly entrenched in “unrepentant
bastard” mode, pompously refuses, earning an even greater amount of scorn and
incredulity from players and jurors alike.
Then it happens.
Out of Nowhere, Dan attempts to totally diminish the past
and present suffering of Shirin by equating years of verbal domestic abuse at
the hands of men to the fact that he was adopted.
It was like he said, “Wait a sec Jeff, I can’t sit here and
let all of this pain and reeking injustice stay where it belongs. Let me rub some of that stench on me. In fact, I’m going to be so shockingly
callous, that even wife-beaters are going to squirm in their seats a little bit
if they are watching at home.”
I shiver at the thought of what would happen if Dan was
asked about his opinion on genocide.
“Listen Jeff, I understand that she lost her entire family
to the killing fields in Cambodia, but what about me? I got
stung by a wasp once while delivering mail and my loving adoptive mother had to place a moistened
teabag on my forearm for like 10 minutes.”
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