Survivor 30: Hippies Never Quit.....Kind of.....

“That’s quitting Jeff.  I don’t quit.”

--Jenn the quitter, Episode 8

As a man with extreme sensitivity to the ebbs and flows of “The Force”, I could feel a great disturbance in the galaxy’s aura as Joe’s departure from the game created a yawning chasm in the souls of millions of women across the United States and beyond.

As inevitable as it was, seeing Prince Valiant proudly strut his way into anonymity after playing an exemplary game was still troubling to the heart of all who believe that good looking people deserve the best things in life. 

Everyone in the game, including his allies, knew that defeating Joe in the final 3 would be harder than beating the New England Patriots in a creative cheating contest.

As expected of doomed heroes, Joe fought to the bitter end knowing defeat was imminent.  I cannot help but think that if he had approached Rodney with the magnificently faked idol instead of Mike , things might have ended quite differently.  Still, bad luck intervened and Joe gave his fake idol to a man who already possessed a real one for comparative purposes.  As has been the case for the previous 2 weeks, everybody, including the vanquished, played brilliantly.

Sad as it was, I cannot possibly blame Mike and his dominant alliance for targeting and eliminating him before it was too late.

I do blame Jenn.

From the moment her gal-pal Hali left tribal council to go drink whisky until the long walk back to camp after Prince Ali was sent packing, Jenn did nothing more than bitch and moan about how badly she wanted to go home and how much she hated everyone left on the island except for Joe.

Yet, when even a slightly put-off Jeff Probst asked her why she didn’t simply turn in her torch and save the life of a man who desperately wanted to win, she selfishly declined the sacrifice and insisted that she is no quitter. 

Refusing to acknowledge a reality does not make it go away and re-naming the obvious does not change its composition.

Is Jenn a quitter even though she candy-assed out and wouldn’t quit in time to save her friend?  Let’s run a checklist and find out:

• Mope around camp for 3 days complaining.   <check>
• Announce to all remaining players and the host of the show that you hate every minute of the experience. <check>
• Sit in front of the camera at confessional and tell millions of viewers that you hate almost everyone and can’t wait to be done with the game. <check>
• Beg your allies to vote you out.   <check>
• Refuse to strategize in any way that suggests you may actually try and win. <check>
• Want out so bad that you try to win immunity only to give it to someone else. <check>
• Do not rebut the assertion made in tribal council by your ally that you have completely checked out in all respects. <check>
• Tell the remaining players that you intended to give Joe the immunity necklace if you had won the last challenge. <check>
•  Utter profanities when you find out that you have not, in fact, been voted out. <check>

Even if, by some wild stretch of logic, Jenn cannot be considered “a quitter” in every sense of the word, she is, at the very least, a coward.

From my perch as the foremost student of the human condition not yet corrupted by academia, I believe I have figured out how Jenn not only engages in this game of semantics but how she has come to believe her own claptrap.

It is obvious that she practices some sort of bastardized, hippy-version of Bushido.

Jenn has been outplayed.  Her alliance stands in ruins.  Her comrades are defeated and her friends long gone.  Her personal little war is over.  All hope for victory is lost.  Peace, in her mind, is impossible since camp consists of Dan the Jackhole, Rodney the Misogynist, and Shrin the lady yammers on incessantly about monkey-humping and peeing on things.

Jenn knows she can't win and doesn’t  care if she loses.  What she desires more than anything else is to save face.

So prepare yourselves.  This woman is going to strap on a headband, load her plane up with explosives, and look for a ship to crash into.

No other exit will suffice for the “No-Collar Kamikaze”.

Jenn will quit only on her own terms!

To the rankings then!

#9:  Rodney

Week after week, the editing staff has portrayed Rodney as a complete and unrepentant wang. 

Suddenly, in the previous episode, he becomes the master of impressions and sultan of mirth.

I ask you why ANYBODY with the ability to manipulate their voice so skillfully would actually choose to speak like Rodney actually does?

I am not convinced that, should he make it to the final three, Rodney won’t start speaking like a professor of antiquities at Oxford University when presenting his case to the jury.

In any event, when Survivor starts humanizing villains they usually get the boot.

#8:  Will

This man just performed a reward challenge relying entirely upon osmosis.

Will attacked the challenge with his "lava-lamp" Kung Fu style.

Will’s strength in this game is that he has been both nonthreatening and good for morale.

Given his history of duplicity, he needs to maintain these qualities and stay as far off of anyone’s radar as possible.

Yelling at Shirin and cozying up to Boston Rod is not the best way to go about…well…anything.

#7: Jenn

Nobody is threatened by the woman who tried to quit but they should be.

Crazy people make dangerous allies.

All Jenn wants is the chance to cause the maximum possible disruption before committing ritual suicide.

Banzai!

#6: Shirin

Shirin looks to be safe for awhile but for some reason, everybody hates this woman.

I realize that this show is very heavily edited, but I cannot fathom what possibly happened to earn such scorn.

Even mild-mannered Will, to whom expending even the least amount of energy is a herculean task, appears to have mustered up the strength to blow a gasket at her.

She is playing reasonably well strategically and may actually be purposefully coaxing the Rodney 4 out of hiding but Shirin really needs to figure out a way to make people not want to punch her in the face.

#5: Carolyn

This woman has been so innocuous that I had almost forgotten that she has an idol.

It is often wise to keep things on the down-low, but the longer this game goes without Caroline and/or Tyler making some sort of move, the worse their position becomes.

Remaining players are going to figure out what is going on and start asking themselves why the 2 swing votes always seem to be spared any sort of scrutiny.

While the "I'll vote for anyone you want as long as it is not me" strategy has worked in the past, this group of players is both too savvy and too volatile to allow this gambit to play much longer.

Hehe.  Nobody knows I have an idol.  Except for Tyler and he's like MacGuyver...

#4 Tyler

Carolyn may have the idol but Tyler always seems to be in the right place at the right time.

There is something to be said for luck in this game and in life.  You know who wasn't called "Lucky" Luciano?

Yep.  All those guys he had killed.

Tyler needs to do something to take control of this game before Mike puts it on lockdown.  

The clock is ticking very fast now that Joe is no longer there to serve as a lightning rod for everybody's fears and I have a feeling that some serious business is going to start going down soon.

#3: Sierra:


She's the blonde chick who rides barrels.

#2:  Dan

Dan is shaping up like the classic goat.

He has neither conceived of nor executed a single move and I cannot imagine anyone in this world or any other who is less equipped to talk people into voting them a million bucks.

I foresee the following during the final jury:

Jeff Probst:  Jury,  it is now your turn to ask questions of the finalists.  Hali, lead us off.

Hali:  My question is for Dan.  Did you ever know that Mike had the idol?

Dan:  How did you get on this show anyway?  I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I look better without makeup than you do.  Next Question.

Will:  So Dan.  Why do you think you deserve a million bucks more than I do?

Dan:  I may be a fat guy from Maine Will but I am, as you can see, white.  Next  question.

Sierra:  You may not know who I am, but was it you or Mike that was calling all the shots?

Dan:  I get really uncomfortable when the broads start asking me questions.  Wait a sec! Are you that floozy that was humping Rodney or am I mixing you up with one of these other gals?

Joe:  Well played game Dan.  you are sitting there and I am here.  That is a true testament to your grasp on the mechanics.

Dan:  Go #@&% yourself.

Nobody in recent memory has been playing for 2nd place with quite the panache of this guy.

#1 Mike:

Mike has played an exemplary game in every possible respect, going so far as to ensure that he was nowhere near as handsome and likable as Joe.

Mike is the Godfather.  He calls the shots.  He knows it was Barzini all along.  Everyone is threatened by him.

There are some who say that he is now appearing so clever with his recent moves at tribal that the target upon his back is now painted in neon.

I now this, whoever takes a shot at that target better not miss because Mike is the Godfather and things can get really ugly for those who challenge the head of the family.

Little did I know, it was Rodney all along....

Mike currently holds the power in this game and the time for a coup is almost past.