Survivor 29: San Juan Del Sur: Blood Versus Water. Week 2

Allow me to be the first to give the season premier of Survivor 29 a resounding, "Meh.."

 

Last season was an immensely entertaining and unpredictable combination of brilliance and buffoonery.  The fact that there was no "exile island, or "redemption island, or "Gilligan's island," allowed players to attack the game instead of worrying about random events or bait and switches.

 

Throw in the whole "I better not do anything or they will make my loved one eat rusty nails or fight a badger naked" and people are paralyzed with indecision instead of plotting the demise of a rival.

 

Not a lot of action when players see this in front of them.

It is early, and many things can happen, but I cannot shake the feeling like they have some dead fish this players this season.

 

Week 1 kind of went down like this:

 

-- Girls get together and decide to "make history' by forming an all-girl alliance.  If by 'Make history" they mean do the same crap everyone else does then yes, by all means, go make some history ladies.

 

-- Same group of ladies try the good ol' fashioned "vote out the older guy who works hard, knows what he is doing, and is still a better athlete than most of us." approach.

 

--Pompous pretty boy (Drew) draws the ire of a plastic woman (Julie) who is dating the only person on the island with more ego than him.  Odd that she would despise the kid for being egomaniacal on the grounds that she is dating someone who is a much bigger prick.  Makes no sense but somehow we see this over and over in both Survivor and society....

 

--Channeling the spirit of Corinne from previous seasons who would rather go home than not have "her gay" as part of a tandem, the actress who plays the twins begins to level every known insulting stereotype against Josh an thinks she is being cosmopolitan.

 

--Meanwhile, token "kind of famous guy" gets recognized by small brained fireman Wes, who then coyly asks him if his last name has 5 letters.  John Rocker, aware that the gig is up, looks puzzled, as an any orangutan knows that "Rocker" has 6 letters.

 

The valedictorian of Wes' Senior class on "Who wants to be a millionaire". 

In any event, I was disappointed that the exchange didn't go more like this:

 

Wes the Small-brained Fireman: "Hey ya'll. I've been watching sum ball since I was a youngin.  You're John Rocker ainchya?

 

John Rocker:  No.  My name is John Wedland.

 

Wes the Small-brained Fireman: <exhaling in relief> "Thank Gawd.  That John Rocker is a dick."

 

--Scrambling old guy targets person from previous reality show but doesn't garner enough support until said reality show chick resumes her assault upon the dignity of a gay man at tribal council.

 

When all was said and done, I have learned next to nothing about anyone on this show aside from the below observations:

 

1) Jeremy went from one of my favorites to win to the replacement sissy for "John the crying doctor" from last BvW.  Get it together man!  You've only been on the island for like 2 days!

 

Can Jeremy join the Mount Rushmore of Criers this season?

2)  My wife pointed out (and I concur) that the players speak and act like they are running for political office even in private interviews.  If I wanted a bunch of boring suits hemorrhaging buzzwords and hedged statements I'd watch re-runs of the company podcasts.

 

3) People are waiting for the other shoe to drop regarding their loved ones instead of assaulting the game ala Tony from last year.  The best comes when the uncertainty is removed and plots can hatch.  Right now everyone is so uptight you can't squeeze a greased BB up their butts.

 

4) Am I the only one who burst out laughing when Missy (47 year old lady with 17 divorces under her belt) mentioned how she has learned to trust her gut?  You mean that same gut that lead you to keep marrying and then divorcing  philanderers and creeps?  Yeah Missy, that's right, You trust that gut.  It's like the old saying, "don't use your brain because he looks sooooo dreamy....."

 

Hank believes that your gut is your brain's employee.

5) Baylor appears to be terrified of howler monkeys.  John the Michigan guy can replicate the sounds a howler monkey makes.  Therefore, John can control Baylor by making monkey sounds.

 

6) There must not be any gay people in Sri Lanka.

 

7) The old farmer guy (Dale) proved that he is pretty wily and I believe he may have found the immunity idol given that Val's clue directed her to look right where he found the trinket and now there is nothing there.

 

Players of the week:

 

Strong player:  John the Michigan State guy is a stud athlete, cries less than 50% of the firemen on the island, and can make himself very desirable to howler monkeys.  That is a winning combination.

 

Bad player:  While it is tempting to immediately give it to the actress who plays the twins for callous insensitivity, the dude who can't count to 6 when spelling simple last names cannot possibly go too far n this game.....I think.....