Life after Malcolm.
It was bound to happen sooner or later. You can’t jump from a solid 7-person alliance filled with astute players to a hypothetical 6-person one consisting of a loudmouth (Corinne), a pompous ass (Reynold), the loudmouth’s “Gay” (Michael), a confused flake (Erik), and a dipshit Eddie (Eddie) and expect it to end well.
Malcolm played a very bad game, made even worse by the fact that he was in a position of power and authority throughout the entirety of the first half of the season.
Even if Malcolm would somehow have chewed up his alliance and made it to the end, the jury would have consisted almost entirely of the people he screwed over when there we still 5 fans left to knock out.
There is a time for loyalty, and there is a time for backdoor shenanigans. Malcolm displayed neither competency with any degree of mastery and attempted to implement them at the worst possible moments.
Vaya Con Dios Malcolm!
I have been mellow for long enough. It’s ranting time!
What the %$#& is the matter with the Eddie and Reynold?
That auction was the most poorly played 8 minutes of Survivor I have ever seen. You know that your survival is teetering precipitously on the edge of an abyss and you are hemorrhaging money at hidden platters and letting Cochran purchase almost certain victory in the immunity challenge for $340?
Hey jackasses! You know that you’re outvoted 8 to 3 right? It’s bad enough that Reynold blows his money blindly on a single slice of pizza, but Dipshit Eddie actually sat there with 5 Ben Franklins in his hand and let guaranteed victory in the immunity challenge slip away for the cheapest we have seen in 10 seasons so he could buy a tub of Jif!
The only reason I can possibly fathom for this foolishness is that Eddie knew beforehand that, due to a very feeble brain, he would forget to play the advantage during the challange and craved the certainty and bliss that comes from a fist full of delicious, creamy peanut butter .
And another thing. Where are the sneaky bastards this season?
I would have spent the last week (in episode time), telling Andrea that as soon as we played our idols, her entire tribe started whispering “Let's vote out Andrea” until Phillip spoke up and demanded the vote proceed as planned.
I’d let it get back to Dawn that I heard Brenda laughing with Erik about something that happened at the pier.
3 weeks ago, if you intimate to Cochran that Dawn told Andrea that he is the only one they can’t beat come jury time and that he already betrayed her once and cannot be trusted, it may have planted a seed.
Perhaps Brenda needs to know that, despite her knee brace, she and Erik scare the other weaklings on the tribe with their physical prowess and will be removed before they can ally with other strong players.
Or maybe someone should tell Erik that Andrea thinks his facial hair looks like a baboon’s ass.
Do something…… Anything!
These people are starving, tired, and paranoid! Surely a few weeks of innuendo, half-truths, and bald-faced lies could have gotten someone to crack!
Going up to Sherri and saying, “Uh hey there. I know I need immunity every week to survive, but how about you pinky swear me and I’ll take you to the finals?” is an embarrassingly uncreative scramble that was about 3 weeks too late in its attempt.
As much as it pains me to say so, Malcolm deserved to get snuffed this season just as much as he deserved to win the last one.
Let’s rank em’ shall we?
1) Brenda
I really struggled to keep Brenda #1 this week after witnessing her breakdown and the utterly surreal scene of Dawn actually trying to calm someone else down.
The evidence overwhelmingly suggests that a demon of despair had taken up residence in Dawn’s fake bottom teeth. This demon then jumped into Brenda when she foolishly grabbed the retainer from the watery grave from whence it lay.
Brenda degenerated into a weepy mess at camp, was coerced into hoarding her money only to inexplicably bid on pig brains (a favorite of demons from the 7th plane of Hell who are most decidedly un-kosher), and then was the first person forced out of the immunity challenge.
I don’t know in which article of clothing or hitherto unknown prosthesis the demon now calls its home, but Brenda better give it to Erik or Cochran of she’s screwed.
2) Erik
If we learned anything from the Clinton administration in the 90’s, it was that if something was working, don’t screw with it.
Erik hasn’t the foggiest idea how the gears and mechanisms of this game work but he is smart enough to just leave it alone when it is functioning in his interests.
He has the “Gump” aspect of this game mastered to such a degree that he doesn’t even need the “Ozzie” part where he kicks ass in challenges.
I hate saying this, but Erik is the best person to take to the finals:
1) There is no evidence to suggest that he has an eloquent bone in his body.
2) When the best move you made all game was to get confused and to follow Andrea’s instructions, you need the aforementioned eloquent bone to compensate when pleading your case.
3) He isn’t a guy that everyone hates so it doesn’t look like you are taking some jerk with you to the end just so you can win.
Erik will go to the finals and finish 3rd unless dipshit Eddie somehow makes it in.
3) Cochran
If the previous 11 weeks were the regular season, it is now playoff time.
In a way, the success of Stealth R’ Us over younger, stronger, and (generally) more visually pleasing players, should give hope to the nerdy and provide succor for the homely.
Every alliance of pretty people and meat heads has been toppled and those that remain have been rendered impotent unless they win immunity every single week.
Cochran has won the war over his enemies, but the question remains, can he win the peace over his friends?
I am rooting like crazy for this guy to go to the end. Not only has he played a great social and strategic game, but he is the last truly interesting person on the island.
The only sneaky people left on this show are the editing crew, so I suspect that the clip showing everyone discussing whether to send Dawn or Brenda home is yet another Red Herring.
Watching Cochran right now is akin to watching a team that had the best regular season but has a fatal flaw that will keep them from the championship.
Everyone who watches this show knows that if he makes it to the end, he wins it all. Sadly, so do the 7 other people remaining on the island.
I fear for Cochran…..
4) Dawn
The no-crying streak has reached an improbable “1”!
This woman teeters between cold-blooded criminal mastermind and mentally unstable 16 year-old who just got stood up on prom night.
I am beginning to believe that it is in Dawn’s best interest to play the crazy card at this point in the game. People may start to think that someone as weepy as she is cannot possibly be plotting the downfall of empires.
Much like Phillip’s pink panties, Dawn must hope people underestimate her due to her perceived emotional weakness.
I cannot shake the feeling that she is about to orchestrate the fall of Cochran.
5) Sherri
Is this woman still here?
Ye Gods……
6) Andrea
Her refusal to let Malcolm wipe his arse without supervision after gettng the idol clue shows how seriously she is playing this game.
I am sometimes amazed that she is still here given how involved she has been with every big decision or petty power struggle this season.
Andrea has received far more votes than anyone else remaining and yet, somehow, feels comfortable enough to buddy up to Eddie.
While it does not speak well of her intellect, I have to admire her balls.
The rest of her alliance won’t pay her the same courtesy.
Andrea needs to make a move….Now.
7) Eddie
I sometimes think the only reason I watch this show is to see what stupid-arsed thing Eddie will do next.
Let’s recap “The Best of Eddie”:
1) Form an alliance of “cool kids” that are outnumbered 6 to 4 on the first day of the game.
2) Make constant reference to how much prettier you are than the people in the majority.
3) Act surprised and hurt when they vote out everyone but you and Reynold.
4) When the re-shuffle occurs, don’t try and build relationships that will aid you strategically, immediately flock to people you consider “pretty”.
5) At the merge, promptly join up in another minority alliance. Express gratitude that they are “good looking”.
6) Calmly lay around in the shelter while Reynold feverishly searches for a hidden immunity idol.
7) Cozy up to Andrea and then, just as you might be getting somewhere, try and vote her out of the game at the next tribal.
8) Join Reynold in acting like a pompous ass during tribal council, believing that calling people “Phillip’s puppets” are going to make them, somehow, change their game.
9) Show off like a 12 year old boy in front of a gaggle of middle-school cheerleaders at the immunity challenge. Botch placing a ring over a post and get knocked out.
10) Go to the auction and let Cochran pretty much purchase immunity for 160 dollars less than you have in your pocket. Buy peanut butter and then act certain that you made the right choice.
11) Look into the camera and say how little you fear Cochran in the upcoming immunity challenge. Then lose the upcoming immunity challenge to Cochran.
Like I said before, everyone wants Eddie sitting next to them. He may climb this list yet.
8) Reynold
I don’t even know what to say here.
Wasting your money blindly in the auction when immunity is the only thing keeping you or your crumbling alliance in this game is criminally stupid.
“I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
Malcolm—Ranked #8 out of 9 when voted out week 11.
Phillip—Ranked #4 out of 10 when voted out week 10.
Michael—Ranked #9 out of 11 when voted out week 9.
Corinne—Ranked #5 out of 12 when voted out week 8.
Julia—Ranked #13 out of 13 when voted out week 7
Matt—Ranked #10 of 14 when voted out in week 6.
Brandon—Ranked #15 out of 15 when voted out week 5
Laurie—Ranked #12 out of 16 when voted out week 4
Shamar—Ranked #17 out 17 when he left the game
Hope—Ranked #17 of 18 when voted out week 3
Allie—Rated “Poor” when voted out week 2
Francesca—rated “Poor” when voted out week 1
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