Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory.

Ernest Byner fumbling the football while going in for the go-ahead touchdown in the AFC Championship game.

The Wehrmacht stopping their advance in order to allow the British Expeditionary Force to escape at Dunkirk.

Charlie Brown when he forgot to make the last turn in a race that he was clearly going to win.

Tony Romo fumbling the extra point in the playoffs.

I still laugh when I see this.  %$#@ing Cowboys....

My pot-smoking poker buddies who check-fold winning hands.

Well Mike, welcome to the shameful legion of those who take an almost certain victory, crumple it up into a big ball, and cast it into a huge toilet fire.

Sure there we people in Survivor who made dumber moves. 

There was the ice-cream guy without an alliance who gave up his immunity necklace and then got wiped.

There was that snarky Mormon guy who forgot simple arithmetic and voted wrong.

There was that grave-digger guy who got voted out with like 7 un-played immunity idols in his pocket.

None of the aforementioned players had control of the game in the manner that Mike enjoyed before he decided to pull a total arsehole move and try to overtly screw over his alliance-mates during one of the most emotional portions of any season (letters from home).

To borrow from a famous phrase, 90% of this game is half emotional.

You agree to spend your 20 bucks on a letter from home.

You funnel a bunch of skeptical looking people ahead of you in line to collect their letter.

You dismiss their concern by promising that you would never abuse trust.

Then you turn around and go back to the bench prepared to outbid even your teammates and allies on the advantage.

Only upon seeing the look of outrage and hurt on the face of every other player (coupled with some profanity from Patty/Selma do you have a change of heart and run up to grab you letter.

The severity of the error correlates with the position of the individual who errs.

If ice cream guy jacks up, who cares?  He was never going to win.

Mike had the million bucks in his bank account already and, in the most inept possible fashion, crapped it away.

When I was 19, I thought I could drink a 5^th of gin by myself and then climb a barbed wire fence at Folsom Field in Boulder in a blizzard while carrying a six-pack of Keystone Light and a Frisbee.

Without getting too specific regarding the result, that was a minor lapse in judgment compared to Mike’s colossal miscalculation.

The king who would become man. 

Terribly played Mike.  Terribly played.

Anyway, let’s get to the rankings:

#8:  Shirin

I truly do feel bad for this woman.  Nobody deserves the heaping of personal abuse she suffered at Will’s hands last week.  Maybe if I spent 10 minutes speaking with her I’d want to beat her with a tire iron but, for now, I feel bad for her.

I’m glad she refused to let Will have his letter from home but I wish she had been honest about why she did so.  Trumpeting your own pettiness might help you, as a goat, get to the end.  Once there, the 3 no-collars on the jury will give you their votes just because everyone else sucks so you have a chance.

The tribe’s disdain for this woman continues to be a source of confusion to me.  It’s like Michael Scott’s hatred for Toby the HR guy on The Office. 

Man I just wanna punch this guy......

Mike has the idol and knows he’s a target so I think Shirin, despite her goat potential, is going to be on the block.

#7 Mike

If it wasn’t enough to totally violate the trust of even your most feverish supporters in the most despicable way possible, you then ruin what little solace they might find in the letters of loved ones by publicly outing Rodney.

Let me tell you something Mike.  If you had come back to camp after what you just pulled and said that fire is hot, people would have cast themselves upon it in their certainty that you were full of crap.

Like it or not, the messenger often eclipses the message.

It didn’t matter that you heard Rodney plotting.

What mattered was that you screwed people over in a total Delta Bravo move and then started pointing the finger at someone else publicly when people just wanted to read their letters.

Worst of all, you just made me look like a jackass for promoting your expertise for the last 4 weeks.

The million bucks was yours Mike and you squandered it.

#6 Dan

I’m not in Nicaragua as far as I know, but this guy obviously is letting the pressure get to him.

His tantrum at the fire about what he was going to do with his vote reminded me of when Gandalf asked Bilbo to leave The Ring with him before departing for Rivendell …..

"Its my vote!  Mine I tell you!"

The rest of the tribe may not know what kind of advantage Dan gleaned from the auction, but they know it didn’t come to play in the immunity challenge.

Dan is the only guy in the game that is likely hurt by having the extra vote advantage.  The target may have migrated to him as a result.

Before he had it, he was just the little hairy butthole guy who mistreats women and said dumb things.

Now he’s the little hairy butthole guy who mistreats woman and says dumb things and has an extra vote.

#5:  Will

Initially, I was wondering why Will didn’t bring the whole box over with the food and the note when he returned to camp, effectively eliminating any doubt as to whether or not he was hiding anything.

Then it occurred to me.  It’s Will.  The very thought of carrying a couple extra pounds without being fueled by righteous indignation was probably a non-starter.

This guy ain't schlepping a box 40 feet to camp

I was also shocked that Jeff Probst allowed the other players to determine if Will could forgo an immunity chance during the challenge to read notes from his loved ones.

That’s kind of a 1-way deal there isn’t it?  Does anyone honestly believe that there is a single challenge out there that Will might actually win?  Will was attempting to trade nothing for something and Trader Jeff was gonna let it happen.

Here’s what I am going to try with my wife when she gets home from work:

Me:  “Honey, I have a deal for you.  I will forego my opportunity to become the captain of the Starship Enterprise if you will let me buy season tickets to the Broncos with the kids’ college money.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Will also played a crap game as any hope he might have had for obtaining the “cool guy” vote if he makes it to the end was lost by his unnecessary and, dare I say, disturbing personal attack on Shirin.

#4 Rodney

This season, I have developed a firm dislike for Rodney.  He is boorish, misogynistic, loud, unconscionably annoying, and from Boston.

Despite these damning condemnations (all of which are true) he seems to be the only guy who has recognized the importance of emotions and how they can run the show in Survivor.

Rodney has a sixth sense for vulnerably and is timely and effective in the way he exploits it.

After Mike’s monumental gaffe, Boston Rod swooped in on Dan like he was a 22 year-old Boston beer wench who just got dumped after a 4 year romance and massaged him like crazy.

Rodney is actually playing quite well but I think that Carolyn and Tyler are smarter.

#3 Sierra:

You know…Sierra?  6 feet tall?  Plaid Shirt?

#2 Carolyn:

Due almost exclusively to the ineptitude of the other players, I moved Carolyn back up to the front of the pack.

I know she has an idol which gives her more short term survivability than Tyler, but at the rate these guys are self-immolating I will be shocked if she needs it.

Carolyn does not bring home the #1 spot for two reasons.

1. She cannot be counted on to go on an immunity run if things go south
2. She just doesn’t seem that likable.  Jury votes are hard to come by for people who suck on a personal level.

#1 Tyler:

Everybody left ion this game has blundered in such a way that any prospective jury will eviscerate them:

Mike:  Even apologists of bible-thumping oil drillers are speechless by his actions last week.

Sierra:  She’s the lady who rides barrels…I think….

Rodney:  If he could only do an impression of a decent human being he might have a shot.

Shirin:  I spoke with Ghandi’s ghost.  He also wants to punch her in the face for some reason.

Carolyn:  She looks and sounds like Roz from Monster’s Inc….

Will:  Everyone south of the equator may, for reasons still unknown, want to smack Shirin, but Will still went way too far….

Dan:  Every time I think of this guy in front of the jury I start to laugh.  I officially offer my prayer to all the great powers that we get a chance to hear Dan plead his case in the final council.  <falls to his knees in solemn appeal>

Suffice it to say, Tyler wins if he makes it to the end. 

He’s not a target. 

Nobody hates him.

He once kicked field goals for the Denver Broncos in training camp.

This guy is a winner.

Survivor 30: Hippies Never Quit.....Kind of.....

“That’s quitting Jeff.  I don’t quit.”

--Jenn the quitter, Episode 8

As a man with extreme sensitivity to the ebbs and flows of “The Force”, I could feel a great disturbance in the galaxy’s aura as Joe’s departure from the game created a yawning chasm in the souls of millions of women across the United States and beyond.

As inevitable as it was, seeing Prince Valiant proudly strut his way into anonymity after playing an exemplary game was still troubling to the heart of all who believe that good looking people deserve the best things in life. 

Everyone in the game, including his allies, knew that defeating Joe in the final 3 would be harder than beating the New England Patriots in a creative cheating contest.

As expected of doomed heroes, Joe fought to the bitter end knowing defeat was imminent.  I cannot help but think that if he had approached Rodney with the magnificently faked idol instead of Mike , things might have ended quite differently.  Still, bad luck intervened and Joe gave his fake idol to a man who already possessed a real one for comparative purposes.  As has been the case for the previous 2 weeks, everybody, including the vanquished, played brilliantly.

Sad as it was, I cannot possibly blame Mike and his dominant alliance for targeting and eliminating him before it was too late.

I do blame Jenn.

From the moment her gal-pal Hali left tribal council to go drink whisky until the long walk back to camp after Prince Ali was sent packing, Jenn did nothing more than bitch and moan about how badly she wanted to go home and how much she hated everyone left on the island except for Joe.

Yet, when even a slightly put-off Jeff Probst asked her why she didn’t simply turn in her torch and save the life of a man who desperately wanted to win, she selfishly declined the sacrifice and insisted that she is no quitter. 

Refusing to acknowledge a reality does not make it go away and re-naming the obvious does not change its composition.

Is Jenn a quitter even though she candy-assed out and wouldn’t quit in time to save her friend?  Let’s run a checklist and find out:

• Mope around camp for 3 days complaining.   <check>
• Announce to all remaining players and the host of the show that you hate every minute of the experience. <check>
• Sit in front of the camera at confessional and tell millions of viewers that you hate almost everyone and can’t wait to be done with the game. <check>
• Beg your allies to vote you out.   <check>
• Refuse to strategize in any way that suggests you may actually try and win. <check>
• Want out so bad that you try to win immunity only to give it to someone else. <check>
• Do not rebut the assertion made in tribal council by your ally that you have completely checked out in all respects. <check>
• Tell the remaining players that you intended to give Joe the immunity necklace if you had won the last challenge. <check>
•  Utter profanities when you find out that you have not, in fact, been voted out. <check>

Even if, by some wild stretch of logic, Jenn cannot be considered “a quitter” in every sense of the word, she is, at the very least, a coward.

From my perch as the foremost student of the human condition not yet corrupted by academia, I believe I have figured out how Jenn not only engages in this game of semantics but how she has come to believe her own claptrap.

It is obvious that she practices some sort of bastardized, hippy-version of Bushido.

Jenn has been outplayed.  Her alliance stands in ruins.  Her comrades are defeated and her friends long gone.  Her personal little war is over.  All hope for victory is lost.  Peace, in her mind, is impossible since camp consists of Dan the Jackhole, Rodney the Misogynist, and Shrin the lady yammers on incessantly about monkey-humping and peeing on things.

Jenn knows she can't win and doesn’t  care if she loses.  What she desires more than anything else is to save face.

So prepare yourselves.  This woman is going to strap on a headband, load her plane up with explosives, and look for a ship to crash into.

No other exit will suffice for the “No-Collar Kamikaze”.

Jenn will quit only on her own terms!

To the rankings then!

#9:  Rodney

Week after week, the editing staff has portrayed Rodney as a complete and unrepentant wang. 

Suddenly, in the previous episode, he becomes the master of impressions and sultan of mirth.

I ask you why ANYBODY with the ability to manipulate their voice so skillfully would actually choose to speak like Rodney actually does?

I am not convinced that, should he make it to the final three, Rodney won’t start speaking like a professor of antiquities at Oxford University when presenting his case to the jury.

In any event, when Survivor starts humanizing villains they usually get the boot.

#8:  Will

This man just performed a reward challenge relying entirely upon osmosis.

Will attacked the challenge with his "lava-lamp" Kung Fu style.

Will’s strength in this game is that he has been both nonthreatening and good for morale.

Given his history of duplicity, he needs to maintain these qualities and stay as far off of anyone’s radar as possible.

Yelling at Shirin and cozying up to Boston Rod is not the best way to go about…well…anything.

#7: Jenn

Nobody is threatened by the woman who tried to quit but they should be.

Crazy people make dangerous allies.

All Jenn wants is the chance to cause the maximum possible disruption before committing ritual suicide.

Banzai!

#6: Shirin

Shirin looks to be safe for awhile but for some reason, everybody hates this woman.

I realize that this show is very heavily edited, but I cannot fathom what possibly happened to earn such scorn.

Even mild-mannered Will, to whom expending even the least amount of energy is a herculean task, appears to have mustered up the strength to blow a gasket at her.

She is playing reasonably well strategically and may actually be purposefully coaxing the Rodney 4 out of hiding but Shirin really needs to figure out a way to make people not want to punch her in the face.

#5: Carolyn

This woman has been so innocuous that I had almost forgotten that she has an idol.

It is often wise to keep things on the down-low, but the longer this game goes without Caroline and/or Tyler making some sort of move, the worse their position becomes.

Remaining players are going to figure out what is going on and start asking themselves why the 2 swing votes always seem to be spared any sort of scrutiny.

While the "I'll vote for anyone you want as long as it is not me" strategy has worked in the past, this group of players is both too savvy and too volatile to allow this gambit to play much longer.

Hehe.  Nobody knows I have an idol.  Except for Tyler and he's like MacGuyver...

#4 Tyler

Carolyn may have the idol but Tyler always seems to be in the right place at the right time.

There is something to be said for luck in this game and in life.  You know who wasn't called "Lucky" Luciano?

Yep.  All those guys he had killed.

Tyler needs to do something to take control of this game before Mike puts it on lockdown.  

The clock is ticking very fast now that Joe is no longer there to serve as a lightning rod for everybody's fears and I have a feeling that some serious business is going to start going down soon.

#3: Sierra:


She's the blonde chick who rides barrels.

#2:  Dan

Dan is shaping up like the classic goat.

He has neither conceived of nor executed a single move and I cannot imagine anyone in this world or any other who is less equipped to talk people into voting them a million bucks.

I foresee the following during the final jury:

Jeff Probst:  Jury,  it is now your turn to ask questions of the finalists.  Hali, lead us off.

Hali:  My question is for Dan.  Did you ever know that Mike had the idol?

Dan:  How did you get on this show anyway?  I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I look better without makeup than you do.  Next Question.

Will:  So Dan.  Why do you think you deserve a million bucks more than I do?

Dan:  I may be a fat guy from Maine Will but I am, as you can see, white.  Next  question.

Sierra:  You may not know who I am, but was it you or Mike that was calling all the shots?

Dan:  I get really uncomfortable when the broads start asking me questions.  Wait a sec! Are you that floozy that was humping Rodney or am I mixing you up with one of these other gals?

Joe:  Well played game Dan.  you are sitting there and I am here.  That is a true testament to your grasp on the mechanics.

Dan:  Go #@&% yourself.

Nobody in recent memory has been playing for 2nd place with quite the panache of this guy.

#1 Mike:

Mike has played an exemplary game in every possible respect, going so far as to ensure that he was nowhere near as handsome and likable as Joe.

Mike is the Godfather.  He calls the shots.  He knows it was Barzini all along.  Everyone is threatened by him.

There are some who say that he is now appearing so clever with his recent moves at tribal that the target upon his back is now painted in neon.

I now this, whoever takes a shot at that target better not miss because Mike is the Godfather and things can get really ugly for those who challenge the head of the family.

Little did I know, it was Rodney all along....

Mike currently holds the power in this game and the time for a coup is almost past.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Breaking Down the Final 10

As we have now narrowed the field to 10 players, I have decided to do a detailed personality breakdown of those remaining in addition to the typical power rankings and general breakdown of their respective games.

To refresh the memories of my long-time readers and to educate the newbies, I ascertain a players rank by considering current circumstance, long-term survivability, and how well their game will play in front of a jury.

Aaaaaaaaaaand were off!

#10:  Joe

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose.   That is not a weakness.  That is life.”

--Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Joe is one of those rare players who is so good at everything (challenges, strategy, relationships, debonair smiles, flowing locks of glorious hair) that he cannot possibly win.  

In fact, in all of my years of watching this show, I have not seen anyone exude so many important winning elements at one time.

Hell, I’m starting to think that maybe he knew something I didn’t about why he should kill the chicken instead of the rooster.

Joe can best be described as the following mix:

Add caption

He’s far too dangerous and even his own alliance will want him gone as soon as possible.

#9:  Jenn

Last week was an unmitigated disaster for Jenn on a personal level but it was certainly not unforeseen. 

I’m ranking her way down the list right now because her alliance is barely on life support and she is far less likely than Joe to go off on a sick individual immunity streak.

However, I have learned from experience that the anger of a “no-collar” hippie is dangerous and unpredictable.

With her gal-pal Hali gone, Jenn just became a ton less threatening and if she can make enough waves to get the loudmouth rabble that dominates the majority alliance to initiate their internal auto-destruct programs a couple weeks early she might hang on awhile.

Jenn is a combination of:

#8: Rodney

Some people in this world are so reprehensible and disgraceful that they don’t even realize the totality of their assholery.

Boston Rod is the anti-Joe.  In fact, the only redeeming quality that I have been able to identify in Rodney (aside from a largely biological/evolutionary need to love his mom) is the fact that his attitudes, intellectual deficiencies, appearance, and expressions prove unequivocally that our species shares a common ancestor with apes.

Rodney is may be the most offensive human being on the planet and is drawing dead in this game. 

This guy is an unholy mix of:

#7:  Dan

Like Boston Rod, this guy hasn’t the foggiest idea what a jerk he is.  Dan is legitimately shocked that people don’t appreciate his kind soul after he rips their hearts out of their butts.

Following up a mean-spirited bullying personal attack on Shirin, Dan claims he is “just being nice” by telling pointing out what a worthless human being she is and keeps repeating that she is just “another super-fan who can’t do math.” 

Here’s some math for you jackhole: 

How many votes do you get for a million dollar prize when everyone hates your guts?

Dan is:

#6: Shirin:

Just as the aforementioned blue collar guys are absolutely obtuse when it comes to what a bunch of dill-holes they are, Shrin is equally ignorant of how she is perceived by the others in this game.

She proudly displays her eccentricities and yammers on incessently about peeing on monkeys while they have sex or some other such thing.

Even so, I'm not quite sure why she is so despised given the cornucopia of people far crappier than she is but she needs to keep a lower profile if she wants to get to the end as "The Goat".

Shinin is best described as the following mix:

#5: Sierra

This woman is the prototypical non-entity (thus far).  Non-entities become jury members in this game but almost never bring home the coin.

Her only real skill seems to be that she illicits really shitty apologies from angry mailmen and she knows how to vote with the majority.

I have already provided more insight into Sierra than the Survivor editing team dating back to the season premier:

Do you remember any of these guys?  Me neither....

#4: Will

Every season it seems, someone shows up who just rolls with the punches and allows fate to take them wherever it may.

This man's performance is completely unremarkable in every possible respect.  Still, he's not a threat and he seems top get along with anyone.  He may go far, but he can't win unless the final 3 sets up perfectly.

Will says he's playing "the game."

Just what game it might be is anyone's guess.

Will is:

#3 Mike:

I am impressed with Mike.

While many people have played a skilled game, NOBODY has played one as close to perfect as this guy.

Even Mike's imperfections serve to make him more viable than Joe as he is not viewed as the biggest threat.

He works incredibly hard in all aspects of the game, exhibits impeccable moral character, created, maintained, and controls the preeminent alliance, and actually knows how to apologize to a woman.

His ploy to get people to stop looking for the idol by forcing Joe to act like he had already found it was magnificent.  To then sneak off and actually find the immunity idol was genius.

Mike's only flaw is that his success as ring-leader has made him a bitter enemy or two.  In this particular season, I have a feeling that a more stealthy approach may be the correct play.

I would say Mike is best represented by mixing these guys:

#2: Carolyn

The deep-voiced  New York executive has played a great game thus far but anyone who almost chokes to death on an idol clue during a reward and then unwittingly hands it over to the most threatening guy on the planet (Joe) simply cannot top my list.

Still, she is in a VERY good spot right now for immediate and long-term viability.

Carolyn has the idol, has an eloquence and command presence that will serve her well on the jury, and has not really betrayed any potential jurors aside from Shirin who everyone hates anyway.

If you wanna know Carolyn, then imagine these people rolled into one:

#1 Tyler

I see no reason to demote this guy.  He played an absolutely perfect game up to this point given the cards he was dealt.

People seem to be falling over themselves to tell him they have idols or to bring him in to their side-alliances.

I cannot fathom why nobody seems mortified by this guy's competence.  His ability to properly handle people and situations is almost supernatural.

--For reasons only known to God/Odin/Zeus/Ra, Rodney actually wants him in his final 4.

--Mike trusts him after he superbly handled the situation with Joe's idol clue.

--Joe appreciates his circumspection after he didn't out him for finding the idol clue.

--Carolyn adores this guys and their secret power-2 alliance is THE dominant force in the game right now.

--Jenn hates him less than  anyone but Joe.

--Will just kind of hangs out.

Until something significant occurs, this guy is the leader in the clubhouse.

Here's Tyler:

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. Power Rankings!

“Does Not Count.”

Interchangeably the 3 sweetest or most devastating words that can be heard in the game of Survivor.

A well-played idol is indeed a rare gift for both the player and the viewing audience.

Watching Joe, Hali, Shirin, and Jenn, laugh and bump fists each time an invalid vote was announced raised the spirits of everyone who cheers for underdogs, hippies, or for women who suffer beestings to their girl-parts while hanging on to a pole 10’ above the ground.

It was indeed a fine moment, but did it really change anything? 

Above all else, Survivor is a game of numbers, and unless Jenn and her merry band (now minus Will who jumped ship) can coerce 2 people from the majority alliance to flip, they are still down 7-4.

Moreover, they did not eliminate the alliance leader (Mike) in order to cause the maximum amount of disruption to the enemy but, instead, opted to target a relatively quiet and unimpressive lackey (Kelly?...I think….).

Imagine Seal Team 6 storming Osama Bin-Laden’s compound in Pakistan:

Seal Team:  “We are in.”  

Washington:  “Proceed with the mission.”

Seal Team:  “Bin-Laden has been located.  Shall we proceed?”

Washington:  “Negative Seal Team 6.  Taking out the leader will cost us the chance to finally eliminate ‘Ahkmed the Pesky Kitchen Boy’ who serves up oatmeal to our enemies on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Without their bi-weekly oatmeal to fortify them, our foes will lack the necessary vitamins and minerals to energetically plan terrorist activities.”

This, obviously, didn’t happen because it would have been stupid. 

It was Mike’s charisma that kept the Blue Collar team together through all of the sniping and infighting.

It was Mike’s diplomacy and earnestness that convinced a seething Sierra to come back into the alliance.

It was Mike’s persuasiveness that convinced both Tyler and Carolyn to join their alliance and establish a dominant voting block.

Did they think Kelly "the cop who cannot remember the order of 6 items after 3 tries staring at it" was the linchpin?

Perhaps they feared that the cerebral and effective leadership skills exhibited by Rodney would rush in to fill the subsequent power vacuum?

You can't let this guy take over.  He'll run the table....

Or was it an overwhelming fear that Dan the Union Steward would use his sick apologizing skills and knowledge of women to schmooze his way to the promised land?

There are only 3 things that can reverse the mathematical bludgeoning that awaits the fantastic 4.

1)  They find yet another hidden immunity idol and play it for the perfect person during tribal council.
2)  Tyler and Carolyn realize that they are stuck in spots 6 and 7 in their existing alliance and decide that it would be a whole lot cooler to be stuck in the 5th and 6th spots with the other guys.
3)  Boston Rod can no longer suffer the ignominy of playing second fiddle to Mike and implodes. 

Anything is possible I suppose, but I have a feeling that neglecting the opportunity to eliminate the game’s prime power was a move that may, ultimately, relegate this likable minority alliance to the ash-heap of Survivor lore.

Therefore, let me brace myself to my duty and release my traditional post-merge power rankings:


#11:  Joe


He's young.  He's handsome.  He's likable.  He's a beast in challenges.

The fist time he doesn't win individual immunity, he's also gone.


#10:  Jenn


Anyone who can have a tropical wasp sting them right on their uglies and still finish second in a challenge that involves hanging on to a rain-soaked totem pole for an hour has earned my respect.

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Jenn has done everything right in this game and has played admirably in nearly all respects.

Her idol play was magnificently timed but she won only a minor skirmish in a long war.

Jenn's victory last week was like Japan's tactical victory at Coral Sea. It was a nice win and it was certainly discomforting to their foes, but there was never any doubt as to the end result of the war.

8-4.  7-4.  It doesn't matter.  If Jenn cannot  channel her inner Churchill she is just as defeated.


#9:  Hali

They sure talk to this chick a lot and always about really strange things.

I cannot shake the impression that she is getting the winner's edit but she's still on the wrong side of the numbers and is also the second half of the Jenn-Hali power couple.

Logic says she's toast but my gut says otherwise.  Since intuition is the brain's bitch, I'll go with brain here for the time being.


#8: Will

Will is many things.  Will is funny.  Will is observant.  Will is harmless in challanges.  Will is Stevie the asthmatic boy from Malcolm in the Middle.

Will is NOT trustworthy.

As the game progresses, people don't like dealing with flip-floppy wild cards.


#7: Rodney

There will be an implosion.  It is just a matter of time.

If I might hijack T.S. Eliot to assist in my analysis:

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a bufuddled look.

Has anyone ever seen Boston Rod and "The Situation" in the same room together?

Me neither.


#6:  Dan

At this point in the game, every player will need to apologize for something they did or said.

When that time comes, Dan is f***ed.


#5: Mike

Currently, Mike is the grand poo-bah of this game.

For a guy who spends the bulk of his time with heavy machinery, this dude is a master diplomat.

Mike's problem right now is that he doesn't "chase girls, doesn't drink, doesn't pah-ty."

Rodney will ensure that everyone knows that Mike is running the show and Mike needs at least 2-3 more weeks before he could secure his position.

Despite his competence, Mike may as well replace the biblical tattoos on his back with a big "tah-get."


#4: Carolyn

This woman has played an exemplary game.  She's in the majority alliance, can flop with her boy at any minute to create a new majority alliance, and has an idol.

For my part, I appreciate her blunt and direct way of speaking with others.

However, I somehow doubt that a tribe consisting of hippies, union guys, and "The Situation" will have the same appreciation that I do.

#3: Shirin

Every season, there is somebody that everyone dislikes from the get-go who makes it to the merge and then commences to weasel their way much farther than anyone thought possible.

I am going on record as saying that Shrin will go farther than any other woman who eschews wearing bottoms around camp.

She's not running any alliances, most people dislike her personally, and she is far from a threat in regards to challenges.

The obvious disappointment on her face when Dan denied her request to pee on him reconfirms her desire to be helpful.  I was almost certain that she was going to eagerly beseech Jenn for the opportunity to pee on her bee sting.....

"I can pee on that you know...."

#2: Sierra

This woman has done absolutely nothing thus far to warrant winning a million dollars.

I rest my case

#1:  Tyler

Tyler is an extremely intuitive player who knows how to deal with people, overcome setbacks, and lay just low enough to survive but not so low as to be considered a non-entity.

With every passing week, Tyler becomes more and more dangerous.

He appears to be a stable influence on any alliance, is smart enough to hide his coupling with Carolyn, and looks to be unflappable even when things don't go his way.

From a purely numbers perspective, Tyler is not in the best position right now, but he knows the game well and should find a way to ride out unpleasantness and exploit the weaknesses of the remaining players and relationships.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. God Bless Rodney!

A museum membership.  Joe Biden quotes.  Wine in a box.  Taco Bell after a night of drinking.  Rodney.

Every one of the aforementioned represents gifts that just keep on giving.

It occurred to me that I have been wasting time writing about instances of foolishness and delusion (no matter how consistent they might be) displayed by other players when we have been blessed with one of the most improvident lack-wits in Survivor history is still kicking it with his boys.

There have been small-brained party guys.

Dipshit Eddie

There have been crazy people who yell a bunch.

The Specialist

Players without any discernable strategy other than just being dicks.

Kass the Butthole Lawyer

Contestants with an immensely inflated opinion of themselves.

Coach.  Also played Gul Dukat in Star Trek I think....

And people so unlikable that you actually hope they get eaten by a jungle predator.

Yep.  I was rooting for nature to claim this guy somehow.  Admit it.  You were too....

Has anyone ever combined these traits into a single package with such effortlessness as Rodney?

“All the fools out there who think I’m dumb and ‘oh, he talks like an idiot’--wait till you see what I have planned for this game.”

This guy is such an arsehole that I am almost having a hard time disliking him.  It’s kind of like watching Homer Simpson crap all over Ned Flanders.  He such a buffoon, such a caricature of idiocy that it defies belief and makes him cartoonish.

 I would not be shocked in the least  if Jeff Probst came out tomorrow and said this season’s much ballyhooed “big twist” is that Rodney doesn't exist but is, in fact, a CGI composite of laughable jackasses from the Northeast compiled from 10 years of combing fishing ports and community colleges.

Rodney has played a game that includes:

1)       Making Randy “Macho Man” Savage look like  a champion of women’s rights

2)       Betraying alliances because they  “ don’t drink….don’t Pah-ty”

3)      Shouting down people with differing opinions as if they are deaf and not, simply, people with a difference of opinion.

4)      Forming a “bromance” with the only guy in the game without a firm alliance to bolster your position and who might be (almost) as personally repulsive as you are. 

5)      Throwing a challenge.  This never works.  Ever.

The befuddlement on Rodney's face as his best laid plans explode in his face is why I watch this show.

I don’t know yet who is going to win this game.  I am not even sure I know who I want to win this game. 

One thing is certain, however.

Much like my NCAA bracket after the second day, Rodney is drawing dead.