Yet again, Survivor dishes out comeuppance in ways we wish were more common in the real world.
How many of us have worked for or been disgusted by guys like Biff Culpepper only to see even greater powers reward him/her with greater riches and authority?
It was salve for the soul to see that arse-wagon Brad get snuffed by the wreckage of a tribe that he helped create.
Last week, I opined that John played one of the dumbest games of Survivor in memory.
Brad Culpepper makes the crying doctor guy look like a mix between Cochran and Hannibal Barca.
There are a couple obvious realities that must be acknowledged in order to be successful in this game:
Reality #1: If you keep your tribe strong, you won’t NEED to go to tribal council every week.
Brad’s Plan: Anything with physical or psychological abilities exceeding that of a terminally ill, crack-addicted house cat must be removed from the tribe posthaste. Once the tribe is weakened, campaign to vote out more strong members. This will ensure that you can build a nice, cozy ass-groove in the wood benches at tribal council.
Reality#2: Form an early alliance and then remain loyal to it long enough to build trust. Survivor has evolved over the years and the conniving back-stabber can no longer win this game even when sitting next to weaker players in front of the Jury. Trust is the most valuable commodity available in Survivor. Players will take a son-of-a-bitch to the finals with them. They will NOT take an untrustworthy son-of-a-bitch to the finals with them.
Brad’s Plan: Form a dominant alliance that has the brawn, intellect, and numbers to control the tribe and, potentially, the game. Wait 3 days. Then turn on your closest ally and proceed to destroy the advantage you were so lucky to initially enjoy. After doing so, act shifty around camp and hang out with the 2 remaining members who are not in your alliance, ignoring the summons of your friends.
Reality#3: Don’t make a target of yourself or associate with those who make targets of themselves. Factions form quickly and emotions run high in people who have been eating nothing but rice and alligator poop for 2 weeks. In an effort to avoid unnecessary drama, tribes love the easy vote.
Brad’s Plan: Be a bastard. March around camp reminding people that you are calling the shots and they need to do as you command. Thump your chest and proclaim yourself to be an enormous physical threat.
Reality#4: Bite your lip and save your venting and confessions for the private interviews. The viewing audience wants to hear what a sneaky and angry bastard you are. Your tribe mates do not.
Brad’s Plan: Sit smirking on a bench at Redemption Island for the 3rd straight week as yet another member of the tribe you have led to the abyss is about to get whacked. Eliminate any sympathy you might have garnered from the vitriol spewing from Candice and John by telling the ally you betrayed that he was foolish to have trusted you. Make sure to say it loud enough that everyone on the island can hear it.
If this were my old company, Culpepper would have been promoted, given a sizable pay increase, and assigned additional resources to abuse.
But since Survivor is cooler than telecom, he’s been offed. God Bless Jeff Probst.
Let’s talk rankings:
#1) Tyson
The one-armed bandit has found a right-hand-man to help him proceed in this game. If he and Gervase can keep stealing coconuts and maintain their alliance on the down-low, they are in great shape.
Nobody will suspect these guys of divided loyalties at the merge since their loved ones are gone and nothing clears the mind for strategizing like a belly full of stolen coconut.
Yoga Bro1 and Yoga Bro2 are obvious threats. The danger posed by Yogi and Boo-Boo is less evident.
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| Tyson and Gervase love them some stealing |
Tyson can still compete even with a bum shoulder and is growing in strength daily. I rank him above Gervase only because he saves his dickery for the private interviews whereas his partner in crime has yet to master this talent.
#2) Gervase
Gervase had a rough start to overcome but has acquitted himself well in the past weeks.
1) He did not gloat at the challenges.
2) He did not almost drown at the challenges.
3) He spoke his mind to Monica without giving offense, earning the trust of his tribe.
4) He and Yogi (Tyson) steal coconuts and the remaining people think that crabs are eating them.
He and Tyson both have advantages and disadvantages. Tyson is more likely to win at the very end but Gervase is more attractive as a 3rd wheel for the final jury.
If things stay as they are, these guys may flip-flop from time to time but Yogi and Boo-Boo need to find a 3rd person to give their alliance-within-the-alliance a numbers edge should it get down to 5.
#3) Aras
He is still the likable zen master of the dominant alliance on the dominant tribe but Aras gets dropped because (as far as we know) he has not yet formed an alliance-within-the-alliance. It also appears that Master Shifu will become very vulnerable the moment his gang of 5 has a 5-3 numbers advantage.
Nobody wants to be seated next to him at the end, his brother is also pretty threatening, and his own physical prowess could earn him an early jury spot.
#4) Tina
She’s not a physical threat. Her daughter is weak and innocuous. She’s in the dominant alliance.
Unless she has a silver tongue stashed away in her buff to pull out in front of the jury, Tina’s not a threat to win the game.
As a result, she’s also not a threat to go home.
#5) Vytas
I don’t know exactly why, but I feel like Vytas would instinctively know that Tyson and Gervase are stealing coconuts.
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| Vytas and this guy would know something was up |
In fact, if he would be willing to betray his brother, I suspect Vytas would be the perfect 3rd wheel to the Yogi and Boo-Boo alliance.
I am ranking him 4th even though his tribe sucks because I think he would indeed be willing to betray the golden boy and this makes him pretty valuable to any new faction once the merge occurs.
He’s still got a 3-2 numbers advantage within his own tribe and Caleb trusts him so if they can win just 1 challenge he’ll probably make the merge.
#6) Heydan
I just kind of like this guy. So do Caleb and Vytas. As I mentioned above, he’s 1 challenge win away from getting to the merge unless they do a shuffle or something.
His reluctance to write down Brad’s name in the confusion of the re-vote can easily be explained and shows that he is loyal to the remaining 2 members of his old alliance.
#7) Caleb
I applaud Caleb for manning up, taking charge, and wiping the tribe of Biff. However, it is debatable that making oneself the leader of a weak and dysfunctional tribe is the best move.
If he plays too aggressively, people will start associating him with his departed fiancé and this will spell disaster.
I also think the “If I give that guy a million bucks then Colton becomes a rich man” thought will cost him in the long run.
#8) Monica
There are two primary considerations leading to this low ranking for Monica.
1) She is shackled to her butthole husband who everyone despises.
2) The aforementioned butthole husband may just be self-important and delusional enough to accept her offer to switch spots at Redemption Island even though I have a better chance of winning the million dollars this season than he does.
In order for Monica to salvage her game, Brad needs to go home. Soon.
#9) Rasputin's Wife
It seems that the wife of the intense holy man also has eerie powers.
She can make both you and the editors forget she is even on the island…..
#10) Laura
Do you think Ciera feels better that her mom always weeps while she is kicking her ass?
#11) Kat
She should rate above Laura for her physicality but I think her tribe may try to take a shot at Hayden via Kat’s ouster.
If it were me, I’d keep Kat around longer than either of the other ladies outside the alliance for no other reason than she appears incapable of effective deceit.
However, the fact that she is almost never interviewed gives me the feeling that she may be here awhile yet.
I guess if they talk to her a bunch tonight she’s getting voted off. Steel yourselves
#12) Katie
Caleb likes her more than Ciera so if he decides to blow up what’s left of “The Man Show”, he’ll take Katie farther along in the game if he gains control.
The fact that her Mom will probably be around longer than Ciera’s gives her the potential for greater longevity.
#13) Ciera
Every time disaster seems imminent, she somehow dodges the bullet. If she were a hockey goalie, her goalposts would be riddled with dents from shots ringing off it.
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| Ciera and this seal are kind of the same dude. |
At what point, one must ask, does pure dumb luck enter the realm of destiny?
I’m setting the bar at 3 more weeks.
I don’t think she’ll make it that far unless her team rattles off a bunch of wins.
Lazy people who suck in challenges have a very short shelf-life pre-merge.
Redemption Island:
a) Candice
I don’t bet against the Harlem Globetrotters and I don’t bet against Blonde Doctor.
I don’t bet against the Harlem Globetrotters and I don’t bet against Blonde Doctor.
b) Brad
I have no idea who is going to win the survival challenge at Redemption.
I do think it would be funny as hell if Brad and Candice have to start spending the night together so I’m rooting for this combination.
c) John
I think he is going to press too hard here in order to look like a manly man in front of his much tougher wife. I know he’s a doctor and an army vet and all but he’s kind of a dumbass and cries a lot.
Week: 2 #10 out of 17 voted off at tribal council:
Week: 3 #16 out of 16 quit game
Week: 4 #10 of 15 voted off at tribal council: Picked both winners at Redemption Island
Week: 5 #12 of 14 voted off at tribal council: Picked 1 of 2 winners at Redemption Island
Week: 5 #12 of 14 voted off at tribal council: Picked 1 of 2 winners at Redemption Island
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