Frey's NFL Picks Week 3: The Gridiron Nostradamus

A lesser man would certainly take this opportunity to brag about a second straight week of going 3 and 1 against the spread.

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OK let’s pick some games!

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns (-3) 

I can’t decide whether New Yorkers  are incurable optimists or whether they are simply pompous and delusional.

Remember that ball-hoggy, locker room-killing, no-defense-playing turnover machine Carmelo Anthony who was traded to the Knicks?  It was assumed by these nincompoops out east that liberating him from that cow-town Denver and allowing him to bask in the superiority of New York would somehow turn him into Michael Jordon.

I still laugh at those clowns for that one.

Every shmo that lands in NY is the next big thing:

Yeah we've seen this before....

The “Sam Darnold to Canton” train is just another sad example of either East Coast pomposity or naïve optimism.  Until a few more weeks pass, I’m thinking there is more “Buttfumble” than “Broadway” in this most recent incarnation of “The Next Big Thing”.

I’m doubly pissed that they have compelled me to make a 0-17-1 team one of my picks of the week but the Browns have limited 2 Hall of Fame QBs to 21 points in consecutive weeks.  

Browns not only win but stomp the Jets.

Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens (-5)

I love my Broncos. 

In fact, I actively dislike every other team in the NFL and their inferior fan bases.

All of that being said, Denver needed valiant 4^th quarter comebacks to secure last-minute victories, at home, against bottom feeders.

Now they are travelling across the country to have a 11:00 AM game against a solid team with a strong home field advantage. 

Despite his stellar “9” on the Wonderlic (the average offensive tackle score is 26), I suspect Garrett Bolles has like 70 penalties in this environment.

For reference, the median score for a janitor is 17.  I'm not feeling very confident that Bolles plays a heady game.

Their record says, “2-0”.

The eye test says, “gonna get their ass kicked on Sunday.”

Sadly, I think the Ravens roll here.

Chicago Bears (-5 ½) @ Arizona Cardinals

I almost made this my Admiral Akbar Trap Game of the Week but the Bears are on the road for a 1:30 PM kickoff. 

It should be like 145 degrees on the field.

Still, Arizona may be the worst team on the planet not named “The Bills.”

Enough can go wrong in that heat to make this less trappy but Chicago should still win by a TD or more.

Admiral Akbar Trap Game of the Week

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1 ½) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The fact that Pittsburgh needed a blocked field goal to tie a team that hasn’t won a game since 2015 should make them road underdogs against a red hot Bucs team right?  

Not enough?  

How about if they then got smacked around by the Chefs on their home field the very next week?

No?  

Then what if I told you their locker room is in chaos, their all-pro RB refuses to report, the best wide receiver in the NFL is skipping practice, and the coach has lost the team?

Still no?

Either someone knows something I don’t or there has been some major cannabis use by the odds makers.

The professionals at MGM prepare themselves to set the line for the Steelers-Bucs game

I’m not falling for this tomfoolery.  I’m taking the Steelers.

Week 2:  3-1
2018 Record: 6-2
Trap Game Record: 2-0

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 2: Wisdom on the Cheap

Hail and welcome again my friends to your exclusive pass to knowledge!

With week 1 in the books and sporting a robust 3-1 record against the spread, I feel that it is only appropriate to give a shout out to the Cleveland Browns.

In a uniquely Cleveland-esque way, the Browns were finally able to end a historic winless streak by actually not winning.

 

 Dilly Dilly Cleveland.  Dilly Dilly.

For this week’s picks, I think it is only appropriate to embrace the above theme and pay homage to those teams who have provided all football fans with mirth and joy throughout the years.

It worked the last time I did it, so let us resurrect the “don’t pick crappy teams” gambit” and see where it takes us.

Miami Dolphins (+3) @ New York Jets

I refuse to accept the premise that beating “The Beard” in Detroit makes these guys not be crappy.

The hurricane of ineptitude that the Jets encountered in Detroit is not a good litmus test.

2 weeks ago Miami would be favored in this game.  I think the rookie QB is going to come back down to earth here.

Los Angeles Charger (-7 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

If we were to pretend the Browns don’t exist, I think it is safe to say that only the Bills could parlay a playoff team into the worst team in the NFL in a single season.

Moreover, these clowns can’t decide which young QB is better than the other.

The answer is obvious.  They’re both shitty. 

I’ll take an injured and dispirited Chargers team on the road to cover.

Yep.  That’s how I feel about the Bills.

Cleveland Browns @ New Orleans Saints (-8 ½)

They won’t go 0 and 16, but 0-15-1 is still not out of the question.

The Saints are at home and were totally humiliated by Brigadier General Fitzpatrick last week.

When he's not fighting off Union forces at Manassas Creek, he's dropping 48 on the Saints 

No matter what “Hard Knocks” says, I’ll take the team that doesn’t suck at home over the 0-16-1 guys.

Admiral Akbar Special:

Detroit Lions @ San Francisco 49ers (-5 ½)

This has nothing to do with predictions, but I finally realized where it was that I saw Matt Patricia before:

Hagrid may be a good friend to Harry Potter but, as we all know, the Ministry banned him from using magic.

No magic again this week Hagrid.  The 49ers not only win but kick you in the Dumbledore.

I’ve no idea why this spread isn’t bigger.  A trap perhaps?  Very well, I’ll fall into it.

2018 Season Record: 3-1

2018 Trap Game Record: 1-0

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 1: Making Prognostication Great Again!

Before anything else is said, let us raise our voices in praise to the beloved Buffs and Broncos

A hearty bonjour friends, family, and random NFL fans who may have inadvertently stumbled upon this website! 

The clamoring has become unbearable and it is abundantly clear that a proper dose of pontification and prediction is long overdue.

Fear not, for your apothecary is here and good football health can finally be achieved.

Our world has changed considerably since the last time I dusted off the old crystal ball and took pen to paper.

When last The Invectives were penned, the Bills were rebuilding….again, Phillip Rivers was a wang, the Browns were a laughing stock, and Bill Belichick’s transition into an old woman continued unabated.

Fast-forward 21 months……

Yep.  Still the same. 

So let us not worry about who stopped writing what for 2 years or whose readers may or may not have been neglected and get down to the business of picking games.

Atlanta Falcons (+3 ½) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Watching Nick Foles through pre-season and training camp leads me to one of the following conclusions:

a)      He has Mononucleosis.

b)      New England played with only 9 defenders in last year’s Super Bowl.

I’ll have to watch the tape again but I’m leaning toward Mono.

You can have a Super Bowl hangover, injuries to key positions, and sub-par quarterback play and still eke out a “W” in your home opener.  Just not against quality opposition.

I like the Falcons to cover and possibly win outright.

Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers (-2 ½)

Having already established that it is not 2016, it is more than a little surprising to see the line for this game set as though it were.

Carolina is coming off an 11-5 season where they played extremely well down the stretch before dropping a heartbreaker in the playoffs to the Saints.

The Cowboys missed the playoffs entirely and only eclipsed .500 because they played a Philly team who benched damn near their entire roster having clinched home field.

I think a bus full of yahoos from Texas took a trip to Vegas and dropped a bunch of oil money on Dallas.

Get out yer cash boys, it's bettin' time!

I’ll take the better team at home all day and happily lay the points.

Los Angeles Rams (-4) @ Oakland Raiders

I have a great idea.  Hear me out.

I know our defense sucks right?  This is great.  Just stay with me.

Let’s get rid of the best pass rusher in the NFL from an already crappy defense and get a couple mid-first round picks a couple years down the road.

If we are unconscionably lucky and everything works out perfectly, one of those picks may become almost as good as what we gave up by the time the 2023 season rolls around.   

Then...BOOM!

That’s when we’ll cash in!

John Gruden at the press conference announcing his hiring as Head Coach

God Bless you John Gruden.

Admiral Akbar Special:

Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens (-6)

This may be the trappiest game I’ve seen in many moons. 

Have the people betting on this game even seen Buffalo play?

Their offensive line is in shambles, Shady McCoy may or may not have been interchangeably roughing up and then bribing women, and the Bills are starting an inexperienced, inaccurate, and underwhelming quarterback against a good team in a very hostile environment.

Oh, and the quarterback we’ll be seeing isn’t their hotshot rookie.  He sucks too bad to play.  Say hello to last year’s mediocre rookie instead!

I’m not sure what I think about the Ravens yet, but I know for certain that Buffalo is rubbish.

If this is a trap, then I’m going after the cheese anyway.

Ravens cover.

2018 Season Record:

2018 Trap Game Record:

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 12

Sadly, while enjoying tables laden with food, surrounded by the love of family members and the good cheer of friends young and old, we often forget to offer thanks for the force that keeps us strong and secures our preeminence among the nations of the world.

Yep.  I am talking about football.  The REAL football.  You know, the one where you don’t use your feet.  American football.

So with humble heart and clear mind, let’s pick some games and remember to pity all those foolish foreigners who can’t possibly understand the coolness.

Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

Back in the 17^th century, the Swedish army under Gustav Adolphus was the envy of Europe. 

Green Bay used to be good back in the 17^th century as well.

I’m betting on neither the Swedes nor the Packers to kick anyone’s ass going forward.

Aaron Rodgers poses for a team portrait the last time the Packers were good

 I’ll take the overrated upstart in Philly over the overrated decrepit carcass of Green Bay.

Tennessee Titans @ Chicago Bears (+4 ½)

Lots of teams in the NFL suck.

But in order to Chicago suck you have to start winning games late in the year to thoroughly jack up your draft position for next season.

I think it’s about time for this to start up.

Answer:  Who are the Bears?

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos (-3)

This game looks pretty trappy to me on paper but my apprehension is mitigated by the fact that while Denver is coming off a bye and healthy as an ox, the Chiefs are coming off a home loss to the dog-butt Buccaneers and are as healthy as that chick from Sixteen Candles with the neck brace.

I like the beloved Broncos at home in this one.

San Diego Chargers @ Houston Texans (+1 ½)

I’m about the last guy on the planet to talk positively about the Houston Texans.

I’m still not going to talk positively about the Texans.  They’re crappy.

But when, prey tell, did the Chargers become uncrappy enough to be a road favorite against any team not called “The Browns”.

Phillip Rivers is a wang and this game is a trap but I’m falling for it anyway.

I’ll take me some Texas ya’ll.

Go Buffs!

Season Record: 24-19-1

Trap Game Record: 7-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 11

Still in Mexico.  I think.....

Here are the picks this week:


Tennessee (+3) @ Indianapolis Colts

 Miami Dolphins (-1.5) @ Los Angeles Rams

Houston @ Oakland Raiders (-5.5)


Admiral Akbar Game:

Philadelphia @ Seattle (-6.5)


Season Record:21-18-1
Trap Game Record: 6-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 10

While I am as pleased as any that the election season is firmly behind us, it is proving somewhat difficult in the aftermath to drum up enough football angst to fuel the creative fire.

Donald Trump is president.  

The Chicago Cubs are world champions.  

The most famous person in the country is a talent-bereft woman with a sex tape and a fake ass.

If the US was a TV show, it feels like we are watching the series finale.

On the brighter side, I can answer my phone again without taking a survey, my kids don't have to watch political commercials when watching minecraft videos on you tube, and I have learned that if I do not like losing a fair contest of any sort, I can just take to the streets and bitch about it until my hurt feelings fade or I have to go back to my parents' basement to lead my guild in World of Warcraft.

Therefore, should my picks suck this week, anyone wishing to grab a torch and pitchfork and start burning and looting neighborhood shops will likely receive favorable press coverage.


Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins (-3)

Who doesn't love games featuring a sinking ship against a sleeping donkey?

The Vikings have been racked by injuries and Sam Bradford has come to the always difficult realization that he is, in fact, Sam Bradford.

That doesn't bode well on the road even against a boring Redskins team that is the very embodiment of the term, "meh".

Denver Broncos @ New Orleans Saints (-3)

The Broncos are banged up, their defense is exhausted, their punter sucks, the offense can't execute, and the play-calling is atrocious.

Game footage illustrating the creativity and effectiveness of the Broncos running attack

If you can't put 30 points on the board in New Orleans, then you lose.

I hope I'm wrong, but if Kubiak rigidly adheres to his scheme, this one will be over long before the final whistle.


Seattle Seahawks @ New England Patriots (-7.5)

At last.  The two teams with the least-likable players and fan bases (sans Cowboys) in the NFL meet again.

With Michael Bennett out and Kam Chancellor rusty, I suspect that the dirty rat bastard cheating Patriots will put the wood to brash loudmouths of the Pacific NW.

For this week, mercifully, I don't care who wins as long as someone gets their asses kicked.

Chicago Bears @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)

Listen.

I know that Tampa is, yet again and perennially, rubbish.

Death.  Taxes.  Buccaneers being crappy..... 

But being a home underdog to a 2-6 Bears team that hasn't won a road game all year and is still featuring Cutler at the helm seems more than a little outlandish.

Did the Bucs just trade for Sam Bradford or something?  What am I missing here?

Seems trappy to me but I'm going to fall for it.



Season Record:19-16-1
Trap Game Record: 5-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 9

I'm gonna ride the "Don't pick teams that suck" train 1 more week and see how it goes.

No time for smart-assery today but I'll make up for it next week.

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (-4)

Tennessee Titans @ San Diego Chargers (-4)


Admiral Akbar Game:

Atlanta Falcons (-4) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Season Record:17-15
Trap Game Record: 4-4