Frey's NFL Picks: Week 4

I believe an apology is in order.

And no.  It’s not for going 1-3 last week on the picks you bunch of wiseasses.

I wish to sincerely apologize to our erstwhile allies across the pond in merry old England.

For how many moons have these poor blokes pined for a New England, Seattle, Pittsburgh, or Denver to roll into Wembley Park and put on a corking display of American gridiron violence only to be thoroughly buggered when the Jacksonville Jaguars show up for the 4^th year in a row.

Photo of a typical Englishman after seeing the NFL's 2016 International Schedule 

If this were the 1800’s these guys would have crossed the ocean, burned down the Capital building, pee’d in our tea, and taken up residence in our homes until they extracted enough recompense to make it right.

But tell me readers, can we even offer enough to make up for 4 years of the Jaguars, Dolphins, and Raiders?  Our coffers would run as dry as the desert sands before we could ever hope to redress such an injustice.

We have paid back the misdeeds of King George a hundred-fold.  When Independence day next arrives and you think to celebrate our country by lighting something on fire or blowing something up with M-80’s, light a candle for the children of our old oppressors who wear Blake Bortals jerseys without truly understanding the shame.

Right then.  To the picks.

Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-7)

The nagging question of whether or not gingers have souls is not relevant for this particular game.

What is relevant is that Miami, at home, managed to make the Cleveland Browns look competent.

I need say no more.

Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (-8)

There are 2 major forces at work here that make this pick an easy one.

1)      Every time Arizona gets punked, they throttle the next team they play.

2)      If Jeff Fisher wins another game before losing one he will be 2 games above .500.  This is a violation of natural order.  An abomination.  Hamas and Israelis will be dancing in the streets singing songs of friendship and they will start painting zebra stripes on donkeys. 

I will NOT be on the wrong side of history.

Do the right thing and take the Cardinals here.

Detroit Lions (-3) @ Chicago Bears

I don’t care if it is impossible to distinguish photos of Detroit from those of Aleppo, the Chicago Bears are a 4-alarm dumpster fire.

Don’t bet on the dumpster fire.  Ever.

Seattle Seahawks @ New York Jets (+3)

If the now small-bearded and seemingly impotent Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 6 interceptions against Kansas City’s middling secondary, then logic and math dictate that he will throw 203 interceptions against Seattle.

Cavalry General Fitzpatrick would never have thrown 6 picks. 

If the logic is so glaringly obvious, then why is Seattle only favored by 3?

Screw you math.  I’m not falling for this trap.

Season Record: 6-6

Trap Game Record: 2-1

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 3

In less time than it took the Wehrmacht to defeat the French Army, I succumbed to the dreaded 2-2 week. 

I should have suspected that the Browns would somehow manage to hose me.

They didn’t even have the decency to lose the game properly, costing kind and well-meaning prognosticators like myself to miss the pick.

Who else but these senseless dunderpates can lose their second QB in as many weeks, drop their home opener because they could not resist the urge to taunt a mediocre opponent at a critical moment, and then have their best receiver who is not suspended or in jail break his hand without knowing how he did it?

Well played Cleveland.  Well played.

Let’s pick then shall we?

Arizona Cardinals (-4 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

Try as I might, I cannot remember a time when a team scored 31 points and then fired their offensive coordinator.

I am virtually certain such a thing has not occurred following a game when their defense game up 37 points and 500 yards to a beardless journeyman QB who sat out the entire pre-season in a bitter contract dispute and a 73-year old running back.

Of course, having your twin brother running the defense adds a new dimension to the situation.

3-cheers for nepotism!

Yet again, Buffalo sucks.  Take Arizona and give up as many points as you need.  It matters not.

Los Angeles Rams @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-5)

If anyone reading this blog requires further proof of Newton’s Third Law then look no further than the Rams.

It is not possible for Jeff Fisher’s teams to put in 2 competent performances in consecutive weeks.  If they do well one week, they need to play like crap the next time they take the field. 

It is the order of things, and moving the team to some jerk-hole city like L.A. is not going to change the laws of physics.

Oh, and Jameis Winston steals crab legs.

 Natural law demands that we take the Bucs here.

Minnesota Vikings @ Carolina Panthers (-7)

When one listens long enough to the feel-good narrative coming out of Minnesota, it becomes painfully obvious that these people are desperately trying to convince themselves that they have something they don’t.

Dropping a whopping 17 points at home on a dysfunctional Packers team has suddenly turned Sam Bradford into Joe Montana and AP’s injury into an afterthought.

Poppycock.

If Adrian Peterson can’t find running room against a mediocre Green Bay front 7, then the non-entities that back him up may as well just take a knee whenever they touch the football.

Given how fragile Bradford is, I’d be surprised if he survives the first half.

I've never seen these 2 guys in the same room together.  Same dude maybe?

Take the Panthers all day here.

San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks (-10)

This game is so trappy that even I am not going to fall into it.

Consider the following:

• ·         Seattle is favored by more points this week than they average in total per game.
• ·         Russel Wilson is hobbled by a high-ankle sprain.
• ·         Marshawn Lynch’s carcass can run with greater authority than Rawles or Michael.
• ·         Their receiving corps looks like a M*A*S*H unit.
• ·         Pete Carrol pompously let all his good offensive linemen go.
• ·         Seattle fans are a bunch of wangs.

This is a huge number of points to give up but the Non-Harbaughs can’t walk from the window to the door without doing something stupid.

Ye Gods I despise this guy.  The 49ers could use his unique brand of assholery though.

I’m not falling for it this week.  Give me the ‘Hawks.

Season Record: 4-3

Trap Game Record: 1-1

Frey's 2016 NFL Picks: Week 2

Before we speak of anything else, let me first say: GO BUFFS!!!

In lieu of self-promoting comments detailing my robust 3-1 record against the spread last week, I have decided that an unscheduled rant is in order.

2016-2017 Unscheduled Rant #1:

The ESPN Power Ranking people are a bunch of dipshits.

1)      The Green Bay Packers squeak by a Jaguars team that hasn’t had a winning record since I had hair and they fly up 5 spots to #1?

2)      The Houston Texans struggle mightily at home to beat a Chicago team that might be crappier than anyone not named “Cleveland” and they move up from #13 to #7?

3)      Arizona hosts a Patriots team without their 2 best players, gets slapped around like Fredo from The Godfather II, loses the game, and only drops from #4 to #5?

4)      The Steelers travel to Washington DC and absolutely violate last year’s NFC East Champions and drop 2 spots to #4?

5)      Denver, with a QB who never took a meaningful snap in his career plays on national TV and defeats (for the 2^nd time in a row) the best team in the NFC and not only stays put at #8, but is still ranked 2 spots behind the team whose ass we keep kicking?

The 4 letter network is clearly suffering from a talent gap.

ESPN's lead analyst in Bristol prepares the weekly power rankings

I've said my piece.  Lets’ pick some games.

Baltimore Ravens (-6 ½) @ Cleveland Browns

I’ve always felt that betting on games involving Cleveland is remarkably similar to dabbling in the fertilizer/manure industry.  You know that you are dealing with truckloads of shit, but there is serious money to be made if you can handle the stench.

The Browns are my sugar daddy.  No reason to change it up now. 

Take the Ravens and give the points.

Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos (-6)

I’m not entirely certain how a team that just lost at home to Detroit is going to come into the Mile High City against the defending champs and do anything other than get beaten like a circus monkey.

6 points is a lot to give up when you have a ball-control offense like Denver but we DID lacerate Andrew Luck’s kidney last time we played.

I’m just sayin’….

Andrew Luck relaxes after leading the Colts over the Broncos in 2015.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Arizona Cardinals (-6 ½)

In most circumstances, I encourage people to use their brains instead of listening to their guts when there is evidence available pointing the way to a logical conclusion.

Gut instinct is a remnant from the days when our species lived in trees flinging poo at each other while agonizing over whether or not the shadow of that tree branch over there was going to eat us.

That having been said, I have an overwhelming feeling that, despite crapping the bed against the Patriots, Arizona is going to come out and crack Tampa like stolen crab legs.

Sorry Hank.  I'm going gut this time....

Atlanta Falcons @ Oakland Raiders (-4 ½)

The idea of picking the Raiders to win over anybody can make even the stoutest of men feel dyspeptic at best.

However, any team that goes on the road and punks New Orleans HAS to be favored by more than 4 ½ at home against an Atlanta team that has sullied the name of mediocrity for 4 years running.

Either the Tampa team the smacked the Falcons in Atlanta last week is the reincarnation of the 87’ Giants or the team from Georgia sucks.

I'm inclined to believe that the latter is true and, if so:

I’ll go ahead and fall into this one anyway and take the arseholes in Oakland to cover.

2016 Season Record: 3-1

Trap Game Record: 1-0

Frey's NFL Picks of the Week: Opening Week Extravaganza!

Well my friends, the time of year is upon us when worthy Americans (along with a spattering of uncharacteristically cool foreigners) turn on the TV, tune out naggy spouses, and bask in the glow of the NFL season.

Since most of my friends and family are buttholes, I suspect there will be some who would like to mention my less than auspicious playoff prognostication from last year but just as the Germans didn’t quit when the French bombed Pearl Harbor, I too shall persevere.

Here’s the picks you bunch of smartasses.

Carolina Panthers @ Denver Broncos (+3)

As is always the case when picking games involving my beloved Broncos, my heart and my brain engage in some sort of Carmelo Anthony-esque slapping contest.

It seems to me that in order to think that Carolina will win this game, you have to believe the following:

1)      Denver’s Defense is not as good as when these guys last played.

2)      Carolina’s offense is far better than it looked in the Super Bowl.

3)      Denver is worse at Home than on a Neutral field.

4)      Carolina is better without one of the top corners in the game.

5)      Denver’s QB will do worse than 13 of 23 with no TD’s, an interception, and a fumble.

6)      Cam Newton is not a whiny little bitch.

Yep.  Give me this guy in a tight spot.

Better O-line.  Superior QB play.  Home field.

Give me the Donkeys and I’ll take the 3.

Chicago Bears @ Houston Texans (-6 ½)

Initially, I was disinclined to pick this game due to the uncertainties.

I have no idea how Brock Osweiler will perform as the unquestioned starter of a new team in a new city.

John Fox has a terrific skill for taking crappy teams and making them mediocre.

The Texans, no matter how good on paper somehow manage to go 9-7 every freaking year.

JJ Watt just had major surgery to repair his back, replace both hips, and repair a ruptured goatee.

Then I remembered that the Bears are led by this guy:

It usually takes the Texans 3-4 weeks to find their mediocrity.  Until then, I’ll take them in their home opener against a crap team and lay the 6 ½.

New England Patriots @ Arizona Cardinals (-6)

The cheating rat-bastard Patriots are going to be without Tom Brady and without a pass rush.  Couple this with the fact that Carson Palmer cannot possibly be injured yet and this spells disaster for the AFC runner-ups.

Every season, New England has a couple games that they know they will not win and don’t really even try.  This is one of them.

Plus, Bill Belichik looks like the lady from “Throw Mama From the Train”

Cleveland Browns @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

And now for our Admiral Akbar game of the week.

Listen, I don’t care if Philadelphia is running a rookie quarterback and that they are a bunch of unrepentant jack-wagons who boo children and Santa Claus.

Even by Cleveland’s already legendary standards, this Browns team blows.

I might still pick the Eagles if this spread were 7.

This can only mean one thing:

Season Record:  0-0

Trap Game Record:  0-0