Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Series Finale

Watching this season of Survivor is like reading George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice series.

At the outset, it burns brilliantly. 

The concept works on nearly all levels.  The cast of characters are unique and compelling in their behaviors and histories.

It is impossible to pick a favorite.  Yesterday’s villain is tomorrow’s hero.

Geniuses morphed into dipshits.  Good people did terrible things.  The vanquished became the victors.

Innuendo, half-truths, and boldfaced lies ripped apart alliances and forged friendships among unlikely players.

And then, when the smoke cleared and we took stock of the field, we suffered a blindside of our own:

Where the $#@& did everyone go?

What happened to dreamy Joe?  

Or Jenn the hippy chick that  every 30 year old man wishes was his beer buddy?

Where did that Tyler guy who would always squint thoughtfully at even the most innocuous occurrences disappear to?

How about Shirin the bottomless Google exec who makes people hate her for a still indeterminate reason?

Even Hali the "Surfing is like my 7th greatest passion in life" chick would have been a welcome addition to the final 5.

Just as it happened in A Game of Thrones, the vast bulk of compelling or likable characters have been axed.

If Mike wins, I consider this season a success.

If Carolyn wins, I would give this season a resounding "meh."

If anyone else wins, I just wasted 4 months of my life and I'll be super pissed.

Let's talk turkey:

Sierra

Interesting Fact:

It seems that Sierra is a contestant in Survivor 30:  Worlds Apart

Jurors react to meeting Sierra for the first time

Why she will win:

• She has done absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to have pissed anybody off.  If she sits with Rodney and Will at the end, All red-blooded Americans will be the big loser but Sierra will have a shot.
• We haven't had "victory by bitter jury" for like 4 years.  the gambler's fallacy says now's the time.

Why she will lose:

• Please refer to the first bullet point under the sub-heading "Why she will win."
• I can't believe I am actually writing this, but knowing Will as I do and after seeing Rodney throw his grappling hook straight down into the dirt like 600 times, Sierra may be viewed as a legitimate challenge threat and may get wiped early.
• If either Mike or Carolyn make it to the end, she may not even get a question from the jury much less a vote.

Will

Interesting Fact:

Will once passed out from overexertion while playing a game of "lay down on this nice cushy bed for awhile."

Why he will win:

• Will cannot win Survivor.  
• When Probst said last week that "Anyone can win this game." he forgot to add, "except for Will."

The high water mark of Will's athleticismn

Why he will not win:

• I'd get carpal tunnel long before I could address a fraction of the reasons that Will cannot win.  In fact, just thinking about the attempt has made me hit the bottle.

Mike

Interesting Fact:

Mike built the bottom 1/6 of Khufu's great pyramid at Giza in 3200 BC by himself.  He also admonished Egyptian craftsmen for being lazy and refused offers of assistance.

Ancient photo of Mike hauling a stone

Why he will win:

• Mike cannot possibly lose if he makes it to the end.  He created and executed multiple moves, formed and dissolved alliances, won timely challenges, and ran the dominant game alliance for the first 2/3 of the season.  An honest jury gives him the coin.
• I've never seen a more unimpressive final 5 when it comes to physical prowess.  Unless the final challenge involves narcolepsy or repeatedly throwing a grappling hook into the fooking dirt next to your feet, Mike can easily win out in challenges.

Why he will not win:

• Woo is not playing this year.  Nobody is taking Mike to the end with them.  He MUST win out.

Carolyn

Interesting Fact:

Carolyn was actually able to make Mike Wizowski turn in his paperwork.

"Here ya go Momma 'C....'"

Why she will win:

• Carolyn played a solid if not spectacular game.  If she sits next to anybody without bible tatoos on their back, she will win.
• Of all the remaining players that jurors may actually recognize (sorry Sierra) Carolyn has done the least to hack them off.

Why she will not win:

• Carolyn made smart choices in retrospect but was never the driving force behind any move.  She agreed to join the no-collars when approached.  She agreed to join up with Tyler and even told him about the idol.  She happily joined the Rodney-4.   By definition, Carolyn was a pawn.
• Like Mike, the remaining yayhoos have no intention of sitting next to her at the end.  Like MIke, she needs to win out or she will be toast.

Rodney

Interesting Fact:

Rodney was the guy who deflated the footballs.

Why he will win:

• Rodney tried a whole bunch of $hit this season.  None of it worked, but he played his ass off.

Rodney's plans were actually dumber than this one

• He is one of rthe 2 people everyone wants to sit next to at the end.  If Will and Sierra are the other 2, I give Rodney a 60% chance winning.
• He's from Boston so he cheats.

Why he will not win:

• Rodney stomped around camp, yelled at allies and enemies alike in that guttural Boston accent that all good people find reprehensible, and shamelessly tried to coerce other people into giving them their rewards.   In order to remedy his social shortcomings, he decided to poop the bed in every single challenge.  If the final challenge was a boxing match, I suspect that Mitt Romney would fly into Nicaragua and kick his ass.
• I simply cannot live in a world where Rodney wins Survivor.  This should be enough for all you guys.

Survivor 30:  Worlds Apart Winner:

Mike

In this game, the cream usually rises to the top.