“On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of decision, sat down to wait, and waiting died.”
--Sam Ewing
“The worst calamities that befall an army arise from hesitation.”
--Sun Tzu
In retrospect, we should
have all seen it coming.
With every passing week, we
waited for Tyler to make the bold move that would change the game.
Just after the merge, while
Rodney pounded on his chest like a gorilla and shouted at his tribe mates in his
unintelligible Boston accent, Tyler sat quietly to the side, staring
thoughtfully into the fire.
It was a good time to make
a move to eliminate Rodney. Tyler did
nothing.
When the rudderless and
fractured no-Collars approached him to join forces in order to break up the
powerful and cohesive blue collar 5, Tyler carefully pondered the offer.
It was the perfect time to
set the power players into scramble mode and play out the rest of the game with
a bunch of hippies. Tyler demurred.
When Will freaked out and
started verbally assaulting Shirin and Mike came to her defense, Tyler placed
his chin in his hand and gazed ahead, considering these events as they
unfolded.
The Survivor gods had
granted him a second chance to make a move and finish with a numerical
edge. Tyler opted to stand pat.
Players bickered. Tyler idled.
Contestants melted
down. Tyler pondered.
People made catastrophic
gaffes. Tyler hesitated.
 |
| Not yet....Not yet.....Not yet....Too late. |
In the end, anyone with
whom he might have done business was long gone, and Tyler’s fate rested firmly in
the hands of people just smart enough to realize that Tyler (Mike having an
idol and not subject to votes) was the least offensive person remaining in a
tribe of obscenely offensive human beings.
The “as long as it ain’t me”
ploy that led Sandra Diaz-Twine to 2
Survivor wins is all good and fine on tribes that do not consist of 2 viable players and 5 goats but this season it
simply lands you in 7th place.
When all is said and done,
Tyler will be remembered (if at all) as neither evil genius nor senseless
dunderpate.
He’s just another nice guy
who, frozen by risk aversion, spat in opportunity’s eye, left his fate in the
hands of enemies, and then sat in judgement of lesser people.
As much as I hate to do it,
I guess I’d better assign some sort of power rankings to these shmos:
#6: Mike:
Mike has played brilliantly
the last 2 weeks. His idol bluff that
proved to Dan that he was at or near the bottom of his alliance was pure gold.
Sadly, Dan is simply too dimwitted
to recognize the obvious.
Mike is viewed as the
greatest threat and is completely isolated. Only by winning every remaining immunity challenge
can he hope to get to the end.
#5: Carolyn
Our old friend Cochran once
said that it is not the moves you make in Survivor but the timing thereof.
Carolyn finds herself in one
of the most problematic catch-22s I have ever seen on this show.
She is a challenge threat
and has no clear enemies either on or off the jury. Sitting next to this woman at final tribe
would be an unmitigated disaster for anyone left in the game who does not drill oil for a living. The band of goats left in the majority wants
her out. Badly.
Carolyn’s only viable path to the finals (aside
from an epic challenge run) was to tie herself to Tyler, join up with Mike and
Sierra, and then wipe out Dan.
Here’s the rub. Carolyn cannot defeat either Tyler or Mike in
a jury vote.
So in order to make it to
the end at all, she needed to go there with people who would certainly defeat
her.
 |
Like Tyler, Carolyn did not
make any of the necessary big moves when the opportunity presented itself and
then knocked out Tyler 2 moves too early.
#4) Sierra
The second this woman does
anything interesting I am going to fall off my couch in shock.
#3) Dan
The only thing keeping Dan
from the number 2 spot in the power rankings is the fact that the precise
nature of his advantage will inevitably become known to the other players and
he will become a target.
Under normal circumstances,
this is not a huge concern for someone that everyone wants to take to the final
3 but Dan is pretty stupid.
 |
| Dan finally reveals his strategy behind the scenes |
#2 Will:
This man may, in fact, be
the greatest goat in Survivor history.
If I had the immunity
necklace and had to choose between Will and…say….Kim Jong Un, I’m taking Will.
Phillip Shepherd (The
specialist) was crazy.
Russel Hantz was sinister.
Colten Cumbie was mean
spirited and digusting.
With his treatment of
Shirin and subsequent refusal to either step back from his attack or apologize,
he has effectively combined these traits into a single, flabby, asthmatic package.
Add to this unimpressive
resume the fact that that middle-aged Sherri lady who nearly died of starvation
in Fans vs. Favorites exhibited twice the endurance and athleticism of Will and
you have yourself a fine goat.
 |
| Yep. Will lacks the physical prowess of this woman., |
There is not a single
possible scenario that results in this guy getting a million bucks.
In fact, I cannot imagine
any jury composition in the history of
this show that would result in either Dan or Will hoisting the million dollar
check.
Will is making it to the
end. Bank on it.
#1 Rodney
Even as I type this, my fingers feel as if they might throw
up.
Rodney’s primary virtue lay in the fact that he is the least
reprehensible of the likely finalists and is just barely smart enough to know
that he needs to get rid of Carolyn.
Let’s look at Boston Rod’s game by measuring him against the
3 primary aspects of a successful run:
1)
Strategy
--Rodney attempted to form 3 alliances
outside the blue collar one into which he was initially thrust. In his first try, Joaquin was voted out immediately. In attempt #2, that cop lady got wiped
immediately. Now on #3, Rodney lost
Tyler and will need to eliminate Carolyn soon.
His “I’m gonna quit” ploy didn’t fool
anyone.
Essentially, everything this guy tried
failed. Fortunately for Rodney, he is
the only one likely to make it to the end who actually tried to do
anything. A disaster on any other season,
he played a better game in this respect that Sierra, Dan, or Will.
2)
Physical
--For a buff meathead, Rodney is a big
candy-ass.
Still, nobody but Mike and Caroline can
claim to have done any better and with Will having been lucky to have even survived
he won’t be hurt too badly here.
3)
Social
--Boston Rod’s game consists of stomping
around camp throwing tantrums and shouting expletives and insulting women.
This looks like social work compared to the
idiocy of Will and Dan.
It boils down to one simple thing:
Rodney is the king of dipshits.
The strongest goat.
The least objectionable human being of the likely finalists.
If Mike or Carolyn do not win out in the immunity challenges,
Rodney will win this game and then I will know that God hates people who watch Survivor.
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