Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. These People Make Writing Easy!

And yet another White-Collar bites the dust

It dawned on me subsequent to last week’s treatise on folly that it may be time to change it up a bit and include some much needed positivity to my analysis.

After watching the last episode, this cannot be done.

There is an old adage that a good quarterback takes what the defense gives you and gets the most out of it.

Yet again, the choices made by the contestants this week (socially, strategically, or both) defy any type of logic aside from “catastrophically flawed”.

Obviously, the easy way out would be to simply break out the dipshit-o-meter and roll out another top 5 list.   Since I am told never to look a gift-horse in the mouth, here’s your list: 

#5 Terrible Player of the Week:  Mozzie

Roosters do not lay eggs.

Chickens lay eggs at the same rate with or without a rooster present.

Why the %$#& would you kill and eat the chicken and not the rooster you blockhead?

Thank the maker they didn’t give them a cow for milking along with a bull.  That could have gotten ugly really fast……

Joe after finding out exactly what it was that he had been milking...

#4 Terrible Player of the Week:  Abrasive Carolyn

You can form up a new alliance from the tattered remnants of old ones and still win. (Parvati)

You can cannibalize your own alliance members while keeping the core intact and still win. (Tony)

You can temporarily join an alliance after a tribe shuffle and then rejoin your old one and still win (Tyson)

You can even meander through the game as the swing vote in 5 straight councils without any alliance and still win. (Dani)

But nobody has ever won this game by abandoning their entire alliance and joining a new one at the very bottom of the pecking order.

These guys also changed sides during the last 2 world wars.

Carolyn better play her idol at the perfect moment or she is destined to be nothing more than another sad recruit to the army of traitors who did not emerge with a million bucks.

#3 Terrible Player of the Week:  Rodney the Misogynist

Everyone from Massachusetts claims that their state is the most historically significant, the most educated, the most refined, and the most culturally advanced.

This season of Survivor has totally debunked this malicious lie.   Thanks you Rodney.  Thank you.

Never before have I seen a person so appallingly offensive and yet so totally oblivious to reality.

Rodney’s ideas regarding the proper role of women in society are unreservedly backward to anybody born subsequent to the death of Henry VIII in 1547.  

Whenever someone objects to his position, Rodney simply assumes that the challenger has misunderstood, and proceeds to restate his position in the exact same terms but yells it instead, convinced that an increase in volume will clear up any lingering confusion.

Even the normally imperturbable Jeff Probst, who has seen his share of idiots throughout the years, was dumbfounded by Rodney’s Neolithic approach to gender relations.

Visual representation of Rodney's view on dating

With a look of confused hurt, Rodney attempted to explain himself with additional utterances even more offensive and nonsensical than the previous, ending his defense with the argument that his 65 year old mother is a hottie and that Jeff would hit on her if ever they met.

Every 2 seasons we are treated with a Rodney.  He’s the type of guy who people keep as part of their alliance but the moment they get a +2 numbers advantage he gets whacked by his own team for being a jerk.

#2 Terrible Player of the Week:  Dan the Union Mailman

Dan is a tremendous wang.

The only reason that this jackwagon is not the dipshit of the week is because his tribe is so strong that half of them could succumb to radiation sickness and they would still handily win all the remaining challenges.

Let’s take a stroll through Dan’s brilliant plan to win a million dollars shall we?

Step1:  Don’t vote out the guy everyone hates (Rodney) who has no allies.  Vote out the person that not everybody hates (Lindsay) and totally piss off her friend (Sierra).

Step 2:  Fully aware that a tribe shuffle is imminent, return to camp and attack your tribe mate (Sierra) who is upset that her friend is gone.  Ignore the strong hints from your alliance mates to step off. 

Step 3:  When she doesn’t cry hard enough, change the nature of the assault from insensitive (trashing her departed ally) to abusive and totally unrelated personal attacks.

Step 4:  Once the tribe shuffle occurs the following day and you find that Sierra is still in your camp, be sure to go on a long walk with your buddy Mike (with whom she is equally livid) and leave her sitting at a fire with 3 sympathetic dudes outside of your alliance who need 1 additional person to mount a successful coup.

Step 5:  If Mike berates you for needlessly being a dick to Sierra and begs you to offer a sincere apology lest she join the other guys and destroy your game, insist that you need to explain to Sierra why she deserved it.  When pressed that an actual apology would work better than yet another round of verbal abuse, simply nod and agree secure in the knowledge that you are an expert on knowing what women want.

Step 6:  Approach Sierra under the premise that an apology is about to be proffered.  Skip the apology and stampede immediately off course, citing, instead, a long list of imaginary grievances for which Sierra actually owes you an apology.  Her look of disgust and confusion is indicative of a job well done.

This is what a woman looks like when you yell at her for sucking while apologizing

Dan is one of those burly union-guy victims.  Everytime he does something stupid, it's "The Man's" fault.  Except for "The Man" in this circumstance, is Sierra.

#1 Terrible Player of the Week:  Max/Shirin

As they came in this game together, so to, shall they depart.

There are 2 primary character flaws displayed by these guys (and many executive types) that are killing them in this game:

1)      They are obviously accustomed to doing really stupid crap and never getting called out on it because their underlings/students fear their authority.  Both Max and Shrin repeatedly act without any consideration of the people around them. 

Until you have maneuvered yourself into a power position in this game, the rest of the tribe is your boss.  Unless you have an unusual work situation, it is generally not good form to bend over naked in front of your boss to wash pots and pans.

2)      These guys appear firm in their belief that rank/title equals intellect.  As such, they feel perfectly comfortable calling a staff meeting that excludes 2/3 of their tribe in order to discuss the strategic direction of the game. 

This works in the real world, but not in this one.

Just as I am sure it works at Yahoo, once the people with the brains (the bosses) have determined how things should be handled, it goes without saying that the monkeys will fall into line without protest.  In the midst of all this shoulder slapping and high-fiving over their vast intellectual prowess, neither Max nor Shirin noticed that even their erstwhile ally was totally put off.

The problem with this approach is that this isn’t a classroom in Chicago or a corporate boardroom. 

People in this game are going to be mistrustful and agitated by this type of obtuse pomposity.

Throw in a 40 minute diatribe on monkey humping and then soothe your planters warts in the communal water pot and you have yourself a ticket home.