Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. Episode 3 Recap

With 2 stellar Survivor episodes in the books, there was bound to be a bit of a letdown and last week was it.

The show should have been titled, Survivor 30:  No Strategy.  Lots of Yelling.

Now as a writer, there is nothing like some good drama to get the creative juices flowing, but in order to be provocative, it needs to be tempered with purpose.

There was absolutely no purpose to any of the petty bickering and jackassery from the players this week.  No agenda was advanced, no power moves made, the person we thought would be voted off was, indeed, voted off, and no amount of editing wizardry could change the obvious inevitability of the end result.

But take heart my friends!  For where there is yelling, there is almost always stupidity!

So without further ado, here are the top 5 terrible players of the week as determined by my dipshittery-o-meter:

#5 Will the Chill but Lazy Asthmatic Guy

When returning to camp after voting someone out who NOBODY wanted voted out, it would seem that you might come up with a better excuse than “I didn’t trust him.”

With Vince gone, No-Collar is likely to lose every remaining challenge until the time comes when Will the Lazy Chill but Lazy Asthmatic Guy is finally kicked off.

Everybody knows that you kind of suck in challenges.  Now everyone knows that you kind of suck in challenges and also cannot be trusted to work within a team.

Will followed this fiasco by shambling through the immunity challenge like he had just completed the Bataan Death March minutes before Probst shouts, “Survivors ready….GO!”.

Will arrives at the immunity challenge ready to roll

#4 Shirin Saggy-Bottom

Last week, the local Yahoo Exec opted to go bottomless around camp, making everyone in her tribe and everyone watching desire about a dozen shots of scotch and a total memory wipe.

Well what better way to follow-up last week’s social coup than by gawking at howler monkeys humping in a tree and then regaling the rest of your tribe with details of such terrifying hideousity and detail that it is clear within moments that you are extremely intrigued when lower primates make the sex.

"You should have seen the passion...."

The fact that she was actually covering her uglies when she woke up her sleeping tribe mates to speak about monkey-love is the only thing keeping her from bringing home the trophy this week.

#3 Lindsay the Infedel

**Rant Alert**

Anyone who thinks that religious belief and sensitivity has been destroyed by modern secularism need look no further than our #3 ranked terrible player of the week to know the foolishness of their position.

In the blue collar camp, Mike (the selfless champion of the working man and patron saint of people who work harder than you do) constantly attacked the work ethic, honor, and integrity of everyone at the camp despite the fact that every one of them has been busting their ass.

The general feeling was “well…that Mike guy is kind of a dick isn’t he?”

However, when Lindsay became the 4^th of 5 tribe members s to take issue with Mike’s relentless badgering and personal attacks and uttered a comment that was insensitive to Christian beliefs, the tension and shock around camp became palpable.

I think I even noticed the cameraman shuddered at her mild blasphemy.

In this world, many are the people who are ridiculous control freaks who want everything done on their schedule and abuse anyone who doesn’t live up to their ideal.  We avoid them or deal with them as necessary whether at work or at home.

People who make fun of religion get killed.

Tread lightly tattooed hairdresser.  Blue Collar society is not known as a haven for atheism.  All-Father Odin loves all his children and your disregard for the holy is troublesome.

Even if people despise Mike, you didn’t score any points with your approach to the situation.

You're done diddly going home

#2 Mike the Oil Drilling Guy

You have a huge stack of wood.

Your fire is raging and well maintained.

The camp shelter is sturdy and constructed with obvious skill.

The water can is full, the pots are washed, and your team has never lost an immunity challenge.

Tell me then, good sir, why the %@&# are you verbally assaulting people around camp when things are going so well?

Motivation by Mike

I answer the same way I did last week.

Mike doesn’t simply want people to work.  He wants them to work when he decides it is time to work.

I don’t know what I hate worse about this guy:

1)      That he is wasting vital energy doing pointless busy work and then mouthing off to anyone who doesn’t adhere rigidly to his schedule.

Or

2)       The fact that he made me side with that assface Rodney who argued with him all last week.

If he does not succumb to dehydration due to overexertion, Mike will be kept around only until such time as Blue-Collar is confident that they have the numbers.

#1 Mozzie

I want to like you Mozzie.  You are the physical manifestation of 2 legendary players whose game I admired and appreciated.

The problem is that you are an idiot who makes really bad choices.  In fact, the only reason you are still in the game is because the only other remaining male on your tribe is that kid from Malcolm in the Middle with the breathing issues.

I think I'd rather have this guy on my tribe the way Joe is going....

When you have a challenge that involves a tribe working together to plug holes in a bucket while schlepping water across an obstacle course, why in the name of all that is good and pure would you remove 10 fingers from plugging holes by disallowing Nina to help?

Jeff Probst was almost cackling with glee as this decision added some much needed drama to a challenge that was really nothing more than a good old fashion buttkicking.

Forfeiting the challenge by ensuring 20% more water leaks out of a moving bucket that can only travel as fast as the local hefty asthma guy can move was a miscalculation of monumental proportions.

In Survivor, the only way to guarantee that you will not be voted off is to win challenges. 

Mozzie may not be the next to go.  He may even make it to the merge.  But the idiocy displayed by Joe thus far has affirmed that he will certainly be “outwitted”.