Reason. Logic. Intellect.
None of these things were in evidence on last week’s
incarnation of Survivor: Worlds Apart.
And do you know what?
It made for some great television!
Who wants “reason/logic/intellect” when you can have
“dumpster fire/train wreck/imbecility”?
The only person in Nicaragua that did not do
something stupid this week was the guy who got sent home (Vince). I couldn't stand the guy, but an obsessed
stalky hippie is a difficult commodity to land for any show. He and his feathers will be missed.
The task at hand after last week lay not in defining who
excelled and who misapplied their brain, but rather in determining the extent
to which each player totally crapped the bed.
 |
| I have it on good authority that Red Forman is super pissed about the moves made last week. |
Below, in descending order, are the top 5 terrible players
of the week as determined by my dipshittery-o-meter:
#5 Dan the
Rubenesque Mailman
While I cannot claim to have defecated in an ocean, I have
been in some pretty hairy surf. At no
point can I see myself getting hit by a wave and losing my underpants.
If we assume that Dan is telling the truth and his small
clothes were indeed ripped from his body by lecherous waves, the fact that he
simply did not retrieve them tells me that, for a myriad of possible reasons (none of
them pleasant) he did not want them back.
You can be annoying in camp and not get voted out.
You can be a man and wear a makeshift skirt that only barely
hides your testicles and not get voted out.
But if you are both annoying in camp AND a fat guy wearing a
skimpy man-skirt, you are as good as snuffed..
I don’t know what Dan’s game is but I am certain that my psychological health
is better off without this knowledge.
#4 Mozzie (Joe)
Mozzie’s gaffes
are indicative of a shockingly high level of naiveté and poor strategic acumen. This combination never bodes well for a
player’s long-term viability.
First off, why would you ever split a vote on the very first
visit to tribal council?
a)
There is no reason to even think anyone you want
to vote out has an idol. Jenn and Will
are the only people who even had a chance to have seen a clue (which they didn't) and both are ostensibly in your alliance of 4.
b)
The math makes no sense. In the early to mid-game, Survivor is all
about the numbers. If you split the vote
up and anyone changes their mind, you
are hosed. In fact, the very concept of
splitting this early encourages flakey people to make their move when they
would otherwise hold the line. You are
up 4-2. The worst thing that can happen
if someone flips is a tie. Use the
numbers and stop trying to be so damn crafty.
Even worse is Mozzie’s blasé approach to alliance science.
<Warning> The following sentence (paraphrased) uttered
by Joe is graphically naïve:
“It does indeed appear that Will and Nina have much in common and I have noticed them spending a ton of time together. Still, I am just going to assume that Will is totally onboard with ripping the soul out of his only friend in the game. Oh, by the way, we’ll go ahead and split the vote so they can take control of the game if they want….”
 |
| The guys next to Joe were also voted off the island largely due to their naivete' |
I pretty much expected this type of reasoning from a band of
hippies but this guy looks so much like Malcolm and Ozzie that I thought he might have some of their brains also....
#3: Max/Shirin
I opted to lump these two guys together as they are both
guilty of the same sin.
There are few things less enticing than watching out of
shape people crouch down near the beach naked washing pots and pans and hunting
crabs. Judging by the obvious discomfort
of their tribemates, I am not alone in this belief.
 |
| You'd think a Yahoo exec would recognize when her team-building skills need refining.... |
Both players opted for this foolishness under the premise
that it buys them much needed alone time in the game.
If this is their logic then they are idiots. Both of them.
You don’t want “alone time” in Survivor! You want to be in
on every conversation, a witness to every dispute, privy to any and all
happenings.
A wise player is both ubiquitous and savvy enough to exploit
the information they obtain through observation and involvement.
Never intentionally make yourself an outsider under any
circumstance. The person who finds
themselves with “alone time” is out of the loop and invariably finds themselves
with a snuffed torch in short order.
One can expect this foolishness from a high ranking
executive who likely suffers from “the emperor has no clothes” syndrome, but a
professor of Survivor sociology should
know better.
For the record, I am not faulting Jenn and Hali for getting
naked for a swim because I do not wish to be found and bludgeoned to death by the
millions of heterosexual men who watch the show.
#2: Mike the Oil Drilling Guy
Jesus dude, how many fricking calories are in a scorpion
that you can run around camp endlessly working without wearing out?
For God’s sake man!
The pile of wood you have already accumulated could easily serve as a
comfortable den for any number of species of prehistoric mega-fauna.
 |
| Mike's current woodpile is 17' shorter than the pyramid at Chichen Itza. |
It is one thing to make yourself an outcast by behaving in a
manner that is inconsistent with the rest of your tribe, but it is another
matter entirely to act unilaterally and then relentlessly bitch at everyone
else for not doing what you do.
Judging from the condition of the shelter, the size of the
woodpile, and the quality of the fire, it seems clear that the Blue Collars are
doing a reasonable amount of work around camp.
This is not enough for Mike or people like him. He needs people to work when Mike
feels they need to work. They can rest
and play when he feels the time is right for rest and play.
You see, Mike belongs to that unpleasant portion of our
population that believes the world can and must revolve around their schedule
and worldview. If he is doing something
a certain way or at a certain time, it is the duty of everyone around to
emulate him.
Imagine if Max and Shirin would walk up to the fire naked,
waving their uglies around, and start self-righteously shrieking at everyone
else for wearing pants.
Mike needs to seriously mellow out. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. If your whole tribe wants to play basketball,
play 20-questions, or play grab-ass, then you need to do the same and act as
though it is the best idea ever.
It is too early in the game to act like a dick all of the
time when outnumbered 5-1.
#1 Nina
Ahhh Nina.
If I had any illusions that this woman would be around for
another week or two, she might have become my muse this season.
Her emotionally charged rant (totally without cause
incidentally) at the other two girls in her tribe was bad enough, but Nina’s appalling
lack of circumspection just cost 3 people their games and snatched defeat from
the jaws of victory.
 |
| Nina's game plan is now obvious |
Will: “Hey
Nina! Come here a sec. These idiots think I love being in
the bottom of their little alliance.”
Nina: “Really? Fools.
Who are they voting for?”
Will: “Get
this. Secure in the knowledge that I
like being their cannon fodder, they are actually SPLITTING THE VOTE! Along with Vince, you and I can knock out
Jenn, take total control of the game, and stay strong in challenges! Gifts like this from the Survivor gods are a rare thing indeed!”
Nina: “Excellent!
We are well and truly blessed by this unforeseen boon!”
<silence>
“Soooo….how are you holding up? You know, after sucking in challenges and
looking all sullen and all? Vince is
gravely concerned that you are not altogether right.”
Will: <looking
put off>“Is that so?”
Nina: Yep. Vince wants to make sure you are right
because, you know, so you don’t quit on us or cost us challenges. Gotta stay strong you know…
Will: “I see.”
Nina: “It’s just that Vince doesn’t want to be
forced to vote you out and thinks it may come to that sooner rather than later
given your obviously distressed emotional and physical state. Oh goodness, look at the time. Cheerio!
See you at tribal council!”
Jeff Probst (3 hours later): "The second person voted of Survivor....Vince."
And that, my readers, is your #1 terrible player of the
week.
No comments:
Post a Comment