My apologies for the lack of a post last week. I was busy knocking down Pina Coladas in the desert and couldn’t properly prepare a coherent writing sample.
Suffice it to say that everything I would have predicted last week transpired exactly as I thought it would.
With that out of the way, lets discuss some Survivor shall we?
Rant of the Week: Sarah and Kass: A Case Study in Baboonery
Here are two ostensibly intelligent and accomplished women who took a good position in the game, kicked it in the testicles, and tossed the remaining wreckage into the dumpster.
Sarah played the game last week with all of the subtlety of a stomach pump.
This was truly a dark day for law enforcement officers everywhere as she put on a display of condescending, pompous bullying from a perceived position of authority that reminded every one of us about our most negative experience with a cop.
The moment she caught a whiff of power, she starting acting like a butthole. This might work when dealing with powerless Joe Public who has no recourse but to accept getting bullied lest they be faced with trumped up criminal charges, but in Survivor this is stupidity of the highest order.
She may not have known that Kass casts her vote for whoever she is feeling most bitchy toward at any specific moment, but interchangeably threatening and bossing people around who are not even part of your alliance shows that she is either feeble-minded or is just a jerk-cop who likes to dominate people she thinks have less power.
In either case, she got what she deserved.
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| "The jay walkers I harass never snuff my torch...." |
JacKass has spent the bulk of this season lamenting the fact that other people are playing without logic.
In conjunction, she has been playing with her head firmly shoved up her own backside, allowing the emotion du jure to dictate her game. Let’s walk through her game thus far:
a) First she joins with the boys but changes her vote because she thinks David the baseball guy is an insufferable Delta Bravo.
b) She immediately re-joins with Spencer and the perpetually starving poker guy Garrett because J’Tia is a bossy, weak-willed nincompoop. J’Tia then reinforces this belief by destroying their food supplies.
c) Garrett, probably in a fit of uncontrollable hunger, says a couple things she doesn’t like so she changes sides again (joining the weakest person in Survivor history who just burned their rice) and votes out the strongest member.
d) Having ensured her tribe’s perpetual ineptitude, she and Tasha treat Spencer like crap. Subsequent to yet another crippling performance from J’Tia, Kass still appears to entertain voting out Spencer until J’Tia says that the girls would be wise to keep her due her loyalty. This is the only compelling reason for keeping the nuclear dipshit in the game. Of course, like any rebellious 14 year old girl, Kass does the opposite and flips again.
e) After miraculously surviving a reshuffling with a parity in numbers and facing a catty and dysfunctional “Beauty” contingent, she embraces the majority and casts out Alexis. Her luck is further compounded by the surrender of the surly hairdresser, solidifying her advantage.
f) Virtually guaranteed a shot at the final 3 with her Brainy tribemates if they can soothe and court Sarah, Kass gets in a pissing match with the very person they desperately need over which of the other guys to vote out first. Which of the other guys to vote out first! As a shifty lawyer, Kass is undoubtedly used to arguing every point no matter how meaningless. As a result, Officer Bullypants gets huffy, sensitive Kass feels slighted, and she changes her vote (again), dropping herself from a possible final 3 to 6th at best.
If Kass’ game plan is anything other than “Be so untrustworthy and dishonorable that everyone hates me and wants to take me to the end so I can get 3rd” then she is an ass.
It could also be that it is the nature of trial attorneys to be shysters and she can’t help being what she is.
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| Alliance? What alliance? |
One way or another, she can no longer be viewed seriously as a contender for the million bucks.
Good Move of the Week:
Tony is not half the dullard I pegged him to be. His selfless act of giving immunity to LJ will score him HUGE points with his alliance. Kass the flipper (this is now her fourth last minute flop) will gaze wonderingly at the comradeship and positivity of her new tribe and will stay loyal long enough for them to solidify their numbers. His statement that “we’ll find more” in regards to losing 2 idols quashed any possibility of flagging morale and bolstered his alliance’s mojo.
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| For now at least, brotherly love bathes the island in the warmth of comradeship |
Other Good moves:
1) LJ showed himself to be a man of integrity by covering Tony with his idol as well. If this tribal council went well, the idols will not be needed anyway and he knew this. Given that many suspected him of having an idol already, it is better to not make a target of yourself given that Tony stole all the thunder anyway.
2) Spencer and Tasha are the only guys from the Brains tribe who actually look to have (what we call in the industry) a brain. These guys understood the need to cultivate and placte Butthole Cop Sarah until they had the chance to dump her 2 votes down the line.
3) Their ability to dupe Tony and LJ into using the other idol needlessly was gold until the shifty attorney screwed them over.
4) Trish observing camp life well enough to notice the dissention between Kass and Sarah and then exploting it and changing the game. She didn't even need the "Spy Shack"!
Dumbass Move of the Week:
It was difficult to eschew bestowing this award to JacKass but the fact that she is still here compels me to tag Sarah with the honor.
Has any player who did not fall into a fire ever have a tougher week?
Sarah: “I refuse to vote for Trish. She hasn’t made a single strategic move. She’s harmless.”
Reality: Trish singlehandedly orchestrates the betrayal that eliminates Sarah from the game.
Sarah: “I guarantee that Tony doesn’t have an idol.”
Reality: Tony has an idol.
Sarah: “You better not piss me off.”
Reality: You better not piss Kass off.
After the shuffle, she found herself in a position where she was 6th at best. The problem with surviving solely upon your value as a swing vote is that once your vote is cast, you are immediately expendable.
Historically, players in Sarah’s position would opt to cultivate positive relationships and exploit existing personality conflicts in order to move up the alliance hierarchy. Not Sarah.
Her plan was to be a prick, push people around, threaten to betray them if she didn’t get what she wanted, and then tell the camera that she runs the show and people better not “piss her off”. I cannot believe they let this lady have a gun and practice law enforcement. Don’t protect the weak. Exploit and bully them.
As expected, emotional lawyers with superiority complexes don’t respond well to assholery and, as a result, Sarah was wiped out.
This, however, is not Sarah’s primary gaffe. Why the hell wouldn’t she rejoin Tony after doing everything in her power to alienate the only other existing alliance? There was no downside to jumping ship. If she doesn’t change sides, she is 6th place at best and possibly as low as 10th. If she flips, then she is 6th at worst and possibly as high as 2nd.
I hope criminals are really stupid in Iowa or that has to be the most dangerous place on the planet.
I hope criminals are really stupid in Iowa or that has to be the most dangerous place on the planet.
Other Bad moves:
1) JacKass snidely commenting after the vote that, “There is a lot of game to be played.” This statement, when translated directly into Survivor language, literally means “I am an unpredictable and untrustable bastard and you’ve not even seen the beginning of my treachery.” Kass is emotionally unstable and, thus, easily manipulated if you can focus her volitility in the direction you want.
2) If someone approaches you on the beach and offers you a spot back on your original alliance and promises final 4, you don’t say “you know, I’ll mull it over and decide at tribal.” You say this:
“Tony, don’t say another word. I hate every last one of those assholes on the other tribe and wouldn’t want to play the game with them if the only other option was to get bludgeoned with a tire iron. I swore on my badge, I meant it, and I intend to resume our dominance in this game. Let’s roll.”
Then you vote Tony out.
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