Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 10

 

Every other week, I alternately despise and admire Tony. 

One week is valiantly saving a comrade; the next he is blindsiding the same dude.

One week he is so paranoid that the ghost of Josef Stalin is rolling his eyes; the next he’s Captain Mellowpants.

He’ll tell pointless lies, blindside staunch supporters, alienate everyone within earshot, generally overplay his hand, and make viewers uncertain whether or not his IQ is greater than that of a golf bag.

Then he’ll sleuth out 2 idols with minimal clues like he’s Sherlock %$#&ing Holmes, read his opponents like a seasoned poker professional, and attack the game with the work ethic of a 19^th century immigrant railroad worker.

Rooting for Tony is like rooting for Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones.

Just when you start to admire the effort, resilience, sacrifice, and tormented humanity of the man, he buggers his own sister and then tosses a child from a 5 story window.

Like him or hate him, Tony is a player with which one must reckon.

Rant of the Week:  Everyone in the Majority Alliance is a Clodpate

I cannot for the life of me figure out how these clowns let Tony skate by and arbitrarily remove anyone he feels threatened by without repercussion.

He even told them “I didn’t tell you guys I was going to blindside LJ because I knew you wouldn’t be on board.” 

Translated, this means: “I don’t feel any loyalty to you and couldn’t trust you any less if I caught you in bed with my donkey.”

To this pile of flotsam, Trish issues a halfhearted admonition and then self-deludes herself by claiming tony will “stop pulling his crap” now that she took such a hard line.  Yeah Trish.  Tony is going to turn over a new leaf because you said you were uncomfortable with his treason.

Kass, ever the dipshit, claims that she’ll let this transgression slide because she wants “to keep the annoying people around and get rid of the dangerous ones.”

Who the hell do you think is dangerous Kass?  Jefra?

I would think that someone who makes a living out of reading people (a claim that I still cannot fathom being true) that it might occur to you that the guy who found the idol, blindsided 2 people, and makes every alliance decision whether you want it or not might, in fact, qualify as “dangerous.”

I guess to Kass, a betrayal or 2 is no big deal.  I mean after all, shes done it like 50 times already and she’s still here….

When the only person even remotely put off by this backstabbery is 21 year old Jefra (who may or may not know that she’s even in an alliance), Tony has to feel pretty damn good about himself right now.

If this were the real world, he is how this went down:

Tony <husband>: “I only cheated on you, stole your shit and then lied about it because I knew that if I told you about it you might not be on board.”

Alliance<wife>:  “I understand, but in the future, please let me know.  It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Tony<husband>: “And another thing, I think it is horsecrap that you don’t trust me.  That cuts really deep.”

Alliance<wife>:  “I’m sorry sweetheart.  I suck.  How about some pie?”

Good Move of the Week:

No brainer here.  Tony finding the superpowerful idol.

In most situations, I believe that paranoia will kill a person’s game, Tony seems to feverishly feed off of it.  It’s like he has a tiny nuclear reactor of paranoia that makes him find stuff.

This idol virtually guarantees that Tony gets to final 5 at a minimum.  I would have been killing myself to find it.

I have no idea what these other blockheads are doing…..

Other Good moves:

1)      It didn’t mean anything, but Spencer was wise to use his idol.  He probably realizes that he is viewed as the most dangerous player right now and given all the paranoia surrounding the majority alliance, anything can happen

2)      How is it that Tash keeps winning immunities without anyone actually noticing how much ass she kicks?  She brings home the necklace every week and people still look at Spencer as the #1 man on the threat board.  May the force be with you Tash….

Dumbass Move of the Week:

Jefra’s decision to rat and then re-rat.

All she did by openly expressing her unhappiness with Tony and then letting it be known that she was thinking about flipping is to put her on the outs of her own alliance.

Jefra might have made it to the final 3 and potential got a few votes if she did it without pissing people off. 

Instead, she opted to promise Jeremiah, Spencer, and Tash that she was jumping ship; told her entire alliance (including Tony) that she doesn’t trust the guy making the decisions; finished off by reneging on her initial promise.

Did anything this woman did this week aside from eating a good meal make any sense?

Other Bad moves:

1)      Spencer might have ensured that Jefra flipped permanently by showing her that he had the idol.  He then asks her not to tell anyone she’s pissed at Tony, act like a double agent, and then find out who they are voting for.  He could then have played the idol for that person.  At least then, Tony would have had to flush his idol out.

2)      Tony bringing out his inner-Russell Hantz at tribal.  By pointlessly bringing out the idol to show everyone how much cleverer he is than they are, Tony really risked his game.  Pointless pissing match there Tony.  Why show your cards?  You can’t play the idol for anyone else anyway and you can play it for yourself AFTER the vote.

**Side note:  If anyone actually believes Tony after his laughable attempt to claim that his idol was fake and then stuffing it gingerly back into his bag they shot be drawn and quartered. 

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 9

Another tribal council, another imprudent move.

So long LJ.  You said in week 1 that you “don’t trust hot.”  Clearly, you were not attracted to Tony in the least.  8 weeks into this season, I think most of America is thinking “I don’t trust cop.”

Did anyone aside from Tony (and probably Sarah) actually think that LJ’s luke-warm, placating concession that Woo might, at some point, need to be eliminated constituted a betrayal of the alliance?

Tony wanted LJ gone, badgered him remorselessly about how important it was to get rid of Woo, extracted a half-hearted mumble of assent, and then decided that LJ was treasonous.

I can already see how Tony handles his business on the streets of Jersey City:

Tony: <approaches a man on the street> “Hey brother, can I borrow 10 bucks really quick?”

Joe Public: <skeptical> “I suppose officer.  Here.” <Hands Tony a 10 spot>.

Tony: “Great!  Hold these drugs for me will ya?  <Thrusts a bag into Joe Public’s chest>

Joe Public: <Gapes open-mouthed in stunned silence>

Tony: “I can’t believe you just bought a bag of drugs right in front of a cop!” <cuffs the man>  “Yep.  Another scum-bag off the streets.” <walks off whistling with his prisoner in tow>

I’d feel safer from government sanctioned harassment if I were to traipse around Egypt naked wearing the pontiff’s hat than I would if I were going to a deli in Jersey with cops like Tony policing the streets.

Rant of the Week:  Does Anybody Not Named Tasha, Trish, or Spencer Actually Know Which Show They Are On?

It is clear to me now that this season should have been titled:  Survivor 28: Dipshittery Personified.

Survivor is not a game of checkers.  It is a game of chess, requiring careful consideration of each move as it relates to the next 7, and then adjusting moment by moment as your opponents push around their respective pieces.

Kass prepares her next move before tribal council

It’s no good knocking off a few pawns if you lose your queen in the process.  Look at the situation for a moment:

1)      At least 3 players (Tony, Kass, Sarah) have parlayed power positions into ousters or enmity for reasons that would baffle all but the most unreasonable among us.

2)      1 person (Morgan) decided that the best way to save herself from getting voted out was to state categorically that pretty people are better and she is unused to pulling her own weight around camp because she’s hot.

3)      2 players (Jeffra and Jeremiah) do not appear to have any idea where they are at all and would likely think they were being prosecuted for some crime if they made it to the jury.

4)      Finally, Woo is so easily manipulated that I am going to try to convince him into thinking that I am Jesus after the season ends.  You know, just to see if I can.

This show has been on for 28 seasons and I cannot remember seeing a group of people more ill-prepared for the mental and social aspect of this game in my life.  If Spencer, Trish, or Tash don’t win, the entire science of Natural Selection will have to be called into question.

I once had a buddy in High School who was such a son-of-a-bitch that Mother Teresa would have wanted to punch him in the face within 45 seconds of him opening his mouth. 

If my old pal made it to the end with either Tony or Kass, He could pelt the jury with bags of flaming poop and he’d still leave with a million bucks in his pocket.

If Spencer gets himself into a power position, watch out.

Good Move of the Week:

Spencer reading Tony and understanding game mechanics well enough to not use his idol.

The chessmaster understood that if dirty cop#2 doesn’t flip, the idol does no more than buy him a week.  If Tony does flip,  having an idol in your pocket going forward can mean the difference between a not-unenviable position on the bench next to Morgan and a million bucks.

Other Good moves:

1)      While I have made no secret that I catagorically disagree with Tony’s paranoid flip-flopping as a viable long-term strategy, I think Woo made the right choice (even if for the wrong reason) by going along for the ride.  Every time people start speaking about physical threats, Woo’s name is at the forefront.  Now everyone is either so pissed off at or skeptical of Tony that Woo has reduced his threat rating a bit.

The game machanics seem to suggest that further flopping and alliance reshuffling is unlikley for the moment so Woo should be safe from getting voted out for a couple weeks.  Still, with these lack-wits nothing would surprise at this point.

2)      Jeremiah has wisely allowed Spencer to do most of the talking for him.  I don’t know if he’s an intelligent man or not, but whenever I hear him talk strategy, neither the nature of his observations nor the folksy Southern twang fill me with confidence. 

In fact, I keep expecting to see a big jug of moonshine with ‘XXXX” written on the side sitting on a log next to him whenever he speaks.  A Jersey Yankee like Tony would have been unlikely to understand a word he said.

I know it's unfair, but I keep seeing this guy in my mind when Jeremiah speaks....

Dumbass Move of the Week:

Without question, Tony’s flop was the dumbest move of the past week.

Does he really think he has a better chance to win the game by violating half the potential jury and showing himself to be completely untrustworthy to any remaining potential allies?

Even if, by some magical happenstance, he survives to the end, Tony has placed himself in a position where he will need to soundly defeat an unsullied Spencer or Tash in a battle of rhetoric.

The only way this guy wins is if:

a)      He convinces the other people to turn on each other

b)      He drags Kass to the end with him

c)       He finds the special idol Jeff Probst mentioned

d)      The special Idol allows him to kill the 3^rd finalist before the last jury vote.

Other Bad moves:

1)      Hey Tony!  Quit telling people you are a construction worker!  Everyone already knows you are a cop.  Anyone who doesn’t will know by the time you get back to camp.  Pointless lies in Survivor serve no purpose aside from making people think you are a wang. 

If I were Spencer, I’d go to the next tribal council and tell Jeff Probst that I am a fighter pilot in the Imperial Japanese Navy just to see how Tony reacts…..

Spencer gears up for a day at the office

2)      Everyone in the Alliance of 6 (with the possible exception of Woo) knew that Tony was attempting to orchestrate a trumped up case against LJ subsequent to enjoying a spa and lunch with members of the other alliance.

Yet, somehow, it never occurred to any of these maroons that people often orchestrate trumped up cases so they can actually DO something to their target, not simply because they enjoy the process. 



Always a good attitute to take while your alliance leader openly plots to betray one of your partners

 Until next week my friends!

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 8

The disturbance in the force that you might have felt at 7:58 PM MDT last week was the collective despair of Survivor-viewing men between the ages of 13 and 60 as lazy, top-heavy Morgan was sent home. 

To her credit, she did not display near the amount of shock that I expected when she learned that bad things can sometimes happen to pretty people also.

It does seem clear, however, that she will cloak herself in that very special type of self-assurance enjoyed by chesty 20 year-old cheerleaders who look like the prow of a Viking longship, and be no worse for the wear.

I would not be surprised in the least if Morgan is back on the show in a couple seasons with Dipshit Fireman Eddie as her boyfriend in Blood vs. Water 2.  It’s gonna happen people….

Rant of the Week:  Is Kass Good for Anything Other than Being an Insufferable Buttholesque Lawyer?

You had one job Kass, just one job.  Watch Spencer and make sure that he doesn’t find the idol.

So instead of watching Spencer, you poke around in the mud uttering platitudes in an inane attempt to justify your illogical backstabbery.

Thus, while poking at clay with a stick like a bored chimpanzee trawling for termites when he’s not even hungry, Spencer removes the idol from the wall 1 meter to your left, and puts it in his pocket.

At best, your alliance fears he might have the idol anyway and votes some poor schlemiel like Tasha out, leaving a strong player around for an extra week or two.

At worst, they vote for Spencer, he plays the idol, and then one of your Alliance mates goes home.

However, I cannot shake the certainty that JacKass, (being kind of a malevolent, bastardized version of Forrest Gump) will somehow see her game furthered by her own feckless play.  She’s like the driver who has never been in an accident but has caused like fifty of them.  Despite the fact that everyone around them gets screwed by her ineptitude, her insurance rates keep going down because they are “safe drivers”.

This woman has sullied the good name of ambulance chasers across the country.  Shame on you, Kass.  Shame on you.

Good Move of the Week:

It’s gotta be Spencer finding the idol right under Kass’ nose.  It is possible, if slightly unlikely, that people may assume that he didn’t find it because Kass was, ostensibly, watching him like a hawk.

This buys him at least a week if he plays it right and since there is no strong leader asserting a calming influence over the dominant alliance, anything can happen .

If Spencer is smart, he should return to the dig site every day.  This makes people suspect he may not have the idol, keeps at least one person from the dominant alliance from strategizing with their comrades, and even give him a chance to chit-chat with other players alone (a rare opportunity for people on the outs).

Spencer might even suggest that one of the people watching him found the idol, sewing dissent in a group of people addicted to paranoia.

Other Good moves:

1)      Has anyone noticed that Trish (the partially mummified palates instructor) is in a very good spot right now?  Everyone who really hated her is gone (Lindsey, Cliff, Morgan) and the  person who underestimated her (Sarah) is now forced to acknowledge some strong play.  Furthermore, the remaining players still remember that she pissed some people off early and may drag her to the end.

She’s not a threat.  She’s not paranoid.   She doesn’t need to eat more than 73 calories to stay at body weight.  Trish has a lot going for her.

2)      By saying and doing absolutely nothing, Jeffra has become the least threatening person on the island or, parhaps, the planet.  She never strategizes, is mediocre in challenges, isn’t likable enough to be feared nor disliked enough to be a target. 

The only offensive thing about Jeffra is the speed with which her airpit hair grows.  It’s like those little black worms we played with on the 4^th of July when we were kids that start off as tablets but grow into snakes when exposed to flame.  As a balding man, I am more than a little envious….

3)      Woo lands here by being the only person who thought it unlikely that Spencer would eat a huge dinner and then desire a leisurely stroll in a rainstorm when everyone else laid down to rest.

The fact that he found the idol clue and then ran back to camp with it was classic but Kass ruined it by being an idiot.

Dumbass Move of the Week:

The aforementioned inability of Kass to watch a guy 4 feet away from her wins this week.  It’s not like someone asked her to keep an eye on the spaghetti so it doesn’t overcook or to sporadically check to see if an order confirmation came in via e-mail.  Knowledge of who has that idol might well be worth a million bucks to somebody.

I guess it wouldn’t be Kass if she didn’t have her head between her buttocks at some point every episode…

Other Bad moves:

1)      I know that Morgan was as good as gone in retrospect, but the smug sense of self-superiority she exuded during tribal would ensure ill-feelings among just about anyone lacking supermodel looks.  Plus, has anyone noticed that Kass is still in the game?  If the vote was going a different way, Kass might have changed it to Morgan at the last minute and insisted that everyone do the same or she’d change sides.  Bad form cheerleader.  Bad form indeed.

2)      Tony needs to step back a bit from his aggressive play style.  Let the heat fall on some other people.  It may not burn him now, but eventually, someone is going to want to take him out if he pushes too hard.

Tony already has a history of encouraging paranoia among his partners and this, all too often, allows a mellow situation to get out of control.  Frightened people do really stupid things and I don’t think Tony has enough control to harness that much uncertainty.  When the collapse occurs, strong bonds like that enjoyed by LJ and Trish will have the advantage.

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 7

My apologies for the lack of a post last week.  I was busy knocking down Pina Coladas in the desert and couldn’t properly prepare a coherent writing sample.

Suffice it to say that everything I would have predicted last week transpired exactly as I thought it would.

With that out of the way, lets discuss some Survivor shall we?

Rant of the Week:  Sarah and Kass: A Case Study in Baboonery

Here are two ostensibly intelligent and accomplished women who took a good position in the game, kicked it in the testicles, and tossed the remaining wreckage into the dumpster.

Sarah played the game last week with all of the subtlety of a stomach pump.

This was truly a dark day for law enforcement officers everywhere as she put on a display of condescending, pompous bullying from a perceived position of authority that reminded every one of us about our most negative experience with a cop. 

The moment she caught a whiff of power, she starting acting like a butthole.  This might work when dealing with powerless Joe Public who has no recourse but to accept getting bullied lest they be faced with trumped up criminal charges, but in Survivor this is stupidity of the highest order.

She may not have known that Kass casts her vote for whoever she is feeling most bitchy toward at any specific moment, but interchangeably threatening and bossing people around who are not even part of your alliance shows that she is either feeble-minded or is just a jerk-cop who likes to dominate people she thinks have less power. 

In either case, she got what she deserved.

"The jay walkers I harass never snuff my torch...."

 

JacKass has spent the bulk of this season lamenting the fact that other people are playing without logic. 

In conjunction, she has been playing with her head firmly shoved up her own backside, allowing the emotion du jure to dictate her game.  Let’s walk through her game thus far:

a)      First she joins with the boys but changes her vote because she thinks David the baseball guy is an insufferable Delta Bravo.

b)      She immediately re-joins with Spencer and the perpetually starving poker guy Garrett because J’Tia is a bossy, weak-willed nincompoop.  J’Tia then reinforces this belief by destroying their food supplies.

c)       Garrett, probably in a fit of uncontrollable hunger, says a couple things she doesn’t like so she changes sides again (joining the weakest person in Survivor history who just burned their rice) and votes out the strongest member.

d)      Having ensured her tribe’s perpetual ineptitude, she and Tasha treat Spencer like crap.  Subsequent to yet another crippling performance from J’Tia, Kass still appears to entertain voting out Spencer until J’Tia says that the girls would be wise to keep her due her loyalty.  This is the only compelling reason for keeping the nuclear dipshit in the game.  Of course, like any rebellious 14 year old girl, Kass does the opposite and flips again.

e)      After miraculously surviving a reshuffling with a parity in numbers and facing a catty and dysfunctional “Beauty” contingent, she embraces the majority and casts out Alexis.  Her luck is further compounded by the surrender of the surly hairdresser, solidifying her advantage.

f)       Virtually guaranteed a shot at the final 3 with her Brainy tribemates if they can soothe and court Sarah, Kass gets in a pissing match with the very person they desperately need over which of the other guys to vote out first.  Which of the other guys to vote out first!  As a shifty lawyer, Kass is undoubtedly used to arguing every point no matter how meaningless.  As a result, Officer Bullypants gets huffy, sensitive Kass feels slighted, and she changes her vote (again), dropping herself from a possible final 3 to 6^th at best.

If Kass’ game plan is anything other than “Be so untrustworthy and dishonorable that everyone hates me and wants to take me to the end so I can get 3^rd” then she is an ass. 

It could also be that it is the nature of trial attorneys to be shysters and she can’t help being what she is.

Alliance?  What alliance? 

 

One way or another, she can no longer be viewed seriously as a contender for the million bucks.

Good Move of the Week:

Tony is not half the dullard I pegged him to be.  His selfless act of giving immunity to LJ will score him HUGE points with his alliance.  Kass the flipper (this is now her fourth last minute flop) will gaze wonderingly at the comradeship and positivity of her new tribe and will stay loyal long enough for them to solidify their numbers.  His statement that “we’ll find more” in regards to losing 2 idols quashed any possibility of flagging morale and bolstered his alliance’s mojo.

For now at least, brotherly love bathes the island in the warmth of comradeship

 

Other Good moves:

1)      LJ showed himself to be a man of integrity by covering Tony with his idol as well.  If this tribal council went well, the idols will not be needed anyway and he knew this.  Given that many suspected him of having an idol already, it is better to not make a target of yourself given that Tony stole all the thunder anyway.

2)      Spencer and Tasha are the only guys from the Brains tribe who actually look to have (what we call in the industry) a brain.  These guys understood the need to cultivate and placte Butthole Cop Sarah until they had the chance to dump her 2 votes down the line. 

3)      Their ability to dupe Tony and LJ into using the other idol needlessly was gold until the shifty attorney screwed them over.

4)      Trish observing camp life well enough to notice the dissention between Kass and Sarah and then exploting it and changing the game.  She didn't even need the "Spy Shack"!

Dumbass Move of the Week:

It was difficult to eschew bestowing this award to JacKass but the fact that she is still here compels me to tag Sarah with the honor. 

Has any player who did not fall into a fire ever have a tougher week?

Sarah:  “I refuse to vote for Trish.  She hasn’t made a single strategic move.  She’s harmless.”

Reality: Trish singlehandedly orchestrates the betrayal that eliminates Sarah from the game.

Sarah:  “I guarantee that Tony doesn’t have an idol.”

Reality:  Tony has an idol.

Sarah:  “You better not piss me off.”

Reality:  You better not piss Kass off.

 After the shuffle, she found herself in a position where she was 6^th at best.  The problem with surviving solely upon your value as a swing vote is that once your vote is cast, you are immediately expendable. 

Historically, players in Sarah’s position would opt to cultivate positive relationships and exploit existing personality conflicts in order to move up the alliance hierarchy.  Not Sarah.

Her plan was to be a prick, push people around, threaten to betray them if she didn’t get what she wanted, and then tell the camera that she runs the show and people better not “piss her off”.  I cannot believe they let this lady have a gun and practice law enforcement.  Don’t protect the weak.  Exploit and bully them. 

As expected, emotional lawyers with superiority complexes don’t respond well to assholery and, as a result, Sarah was wiped out.

This, however, is not Sarah’s primary gaffe.  Why the hell wouldn’t she rejoin Tony after doing everything in her power to alienate the only other existing alliance?   There was no downside to jumping ship.  If she doesn’t change sides, she is 6^th place at best and possibly as low as 10^th.  If she flips, then she is 6^th at worst and possibly as high as 2^nd.  

I hope criminals are really stupid in Iowa or that has to be the most dangerous place on the planet.
 

Other Bad moves:

1)      JacKass snidely commenting after the vote that, “There is a lot of game to be played.”  This statement, when translated directly into Survivor language, literally means “I am an unpredictable  and untrustable bastard and you’ve not even seen the beginning of my treachery.”  Kass is emotionally unstable and, thus, easily manipulated if you can focus her volitility in the direction you want.

2)      If someone approaches you on the beach and offers you a spot back on your original alliance and promises final 4, you don’t say “you know, I’ll mull it over and decide at tribal.”  You say this:

“Tony, don’t say another word.  I hate every last one of those assholes on the other tribe and wouldn’t want to play the game with them if the only other option was to get bludgeoned with a tire iron.  I swore on my badge, I meant it, and I intend to resume our dominance in this game.  Let’s roll.”

Then you vote Tony out.