Readers over the age of 30 (who are not foreigners or ridiculously un-cool) may remember an episode of Cheers where the scholarly Dr. Frasier Crane, much to his chagrin, is roundly and repeatedly defeated at chess by simpleton Woody Boyd.
The premise of the aforementioned contest is analogous to a good casual poker game consisting of tipsy amateurs. All the best laid plans, bluffs, betting strategies, and logical deductions are rendered useless by the incoherent and arbitrary playing styles of one’s comrades.
The following laws should be applied in order to negotiate the tides and eddies of mercurial and unfocused opponents.
1) Scared money never wins. Make sure your pocketbook is fat and happy enough to weather the level of financial commitment typical for the table. A seasoned bluffer is a dangerous foe indeed to the player scared of losing a few bucks.
2) Drink your booze early. Much like in bowling or darts, 2-3 drinks will relax the mind and focus the body. A minor buzz will also serve to mask emotions like fear or apprehension, making you a difficult read for your opponents. After an hour or two, a respectable table should be sufficiently addled with libations or hippy lettuce, ensuring that any damaging tells will go unnoticed anyway.
3) For tournament play, use intimate knowledge of your friends to create advantageous situations. If, for example, a particular buddy has a long drive to get to the game, he/she may be unwilling to risk an early knockout. Perhaps there is an autocratic spouse lurking behind the scenes that might contribute to some conservative play. Show them you care by asking questions about such issues.
4) Hoard the snacks during early game play. If your friends have empty bellies, honor demands that they fill the void with adult beverages. Sit back, watch the table loosen up, and let the good times roll!
5) Come out of the gates aggressively. Many casual players (particularly those a little short on coin or sporting a rare night out pass) are so uptight in the early game that you couldn’t squeeze a greased BB up their ass. Ride that King-high to the Promised Land my friends! Ride it I say!
6) Animals in the wild will often puff out their feathers or rear up on their hind legs in order to appear larger to potential rivals or predators. A savvy player should do the same with their chips. In the early game, assemble huge stacks of low value chips to strike fear into the gullible. An opponent shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm is unlikely to wield the bluff bat with any appreciable effectiveness.
7) Agitate your more excitable friends with politically charged comments between hands. Calmly state to your hippy buddies that you are looking into strip-mining opportunities due to the incontrovertible fact that wind power causes cancer in laboratory animals. Then claim that you haven’t enjoyed tuna ever since they stopped including those delicious dolphin pieces during processing. Such belligerency not only creates a lively table, but may induce a player or two to try and beat you personally instead of playing their hand.
Next Week: Late Game Stretegy
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