The End is Nigh! Frey's Week 17 NFL Picks

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-3 ½)

Despite their recent victories over some pretty questionable teams, I still feel that Atlanta is not as good as their 13-2 record might suggest. 

Now, they are a slightly overrated 13-2 team playing a game for which they have absolutely nothing to gain by winning. 

I am leaning toward the Bucs here.

NY Jets at Buffalo (-3 ½)

I’ve suffered one too many humiliating kicks in the crotch from the Bills:  The Rams game form 2 weeks ago.  The Music City Miracle.  The 90’s….

More importantly, I cannot remember a time when any team carrying a violently angry Tim Tebow on their roster has ever failed to cover in Buffalo.

J-E-T-S-L-O-L .

Baltimore at Cincinnati (-2 ½)

The most meaningless game of the season without question.  Both teams are in the playoffs already.  Both teams cannot do anything to improve or diminish their respective seedings.  Both will have to play in the first round, and both need to avoid any additional costly injuries. 

However, both teams are not playing at home.  Take the Bengals as they may play just a little harder to ensure that Cinci-tucky fans with the IQ’s of golf bags don’t boo as much.

Chicago at Detroit (+3 ½)

The catastrophic collapse of Detroit (inevitable as it may have been given the cesspool of a city in which they play) has been most enjoyable.  I mean, their best player likes to kick people in the dong. 

All the cards are on the table, the pot is right, and Chicago is all in.  Everything hinges on this one game.  Win this one and there is a very good chance they can have a postseason for redemption.  Lose and all hope is lost.

This is precisely the type of game in which Norvy Smith and his QB, Captain Sulky, eat the proverbial poo.

Dong-Kickers cover.

Jacksonville at Tennessee (-4 ½)

If you want to read anything about this game, go elsewhere.  We only talk about football here.

Houston at Indianapolis (+3 ½)

The return of Chuck Pagano in front of a raucous home crowd is certain to bolster the hearts and fortify the souls of the Colts! 

It should be a very interesting first half of football before Indy pulls their starters and prepares for their improbable playoff run.

Sorry Broncos fans.  Houston wins this one and covers.

Carolina at New Orleans (-4 ½)

Both these teams seem to be at their best when there is absolutely no pressure on them to do anything.

I think that many Saints fans are secretly hoping for a small, motivational hurricane, to get them off to a better start next year.

Should someone succeed in convincing  brainy Auburn grad Cam Newton that a victory puts them in the playoffs, I’d bet my house on New Orleans.

If “scared money never wins” and both teams know they are playing for a 40 cent pot, expect an excellent, precise game with the home team emerging victorious.

Philadelphia at NY Giants (-7 ½)

Well the tidal wave of rotating brilliance and buffoonery that served me so well in predicting the Giants’ fortunes finally crashed on the beaches of Baltimore last week.

Much like the Redsox fan that wandered the streets of Boston confused and without purpose after they finally won the World Series, I too must come to terms with a world that no longer makes any sense.

Oh wait!  Michael Vick is starting this week for a crappy Philly team!  It all makes sense again.  Take the Giants to cover.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-6 ½)

I feel a great comfort in the fact that I have regained my self-respect and am refusing to bet on either Cleveland or the Bills to do anything other than disappoint. 

I can almost feel the stock market rebounding and the recession ending. 

I know that Pittsburgh has looked abysmal of late and that Big Ben has looked like garbage but come on man!  These are the Browns!  Recapture the natural order of things and bet Steelers here.

Green Bay at Minnesota (+3 ½)

This game will tell us much about both these teams.  Is Green Bay back to the level of excellence that made them Super bowl favorites?  Are the Vikings’ successes this season nothing more than smoke and mirrors?

For a number of reasons, Minnesota reminds me of last year’s Broncos with a slightly less crappy QB and a superior running back.  This makes them good enough to beat confused, injured, and fading teams like Houston but I don’t think they can hang with the resurgent Pack.

Miami at New England (-10 ½)

One of the most gratifying things about this season (aside from not having to watch the Broncos go 3-and-out 17 times each game) is that the early losses of good teams kept those ancient, annoying, overrated 1972 Dolphins hacks from polluting the airwaves. 

As much as the 1972 Dolphins were overrated, the current incarnation of the Dolphins is not overrated. They’re just not that good and everyone knows this.

The Pats did not handle their business particularly well last week against the Jags but if one thing can be said about the Patriots it is that they cheat and are scum.  I also think they want to head into the postseason without the specter of struggling against 2 crappy teams in a row hanging over their shoulders.

Oakland at San Diego (-4 ½)

The Admiral Akbar Game of the Week. You know the drill. Click Here

Oakland is on the road, losers of 11 games, and fiercely debating whether to start Tyrell Pryor or Matt Leinart in place of the injured Carson Palmer.

How can any losing team faced with choosing between death by impaling and death by evisceration be only a 4 ½ point underdog on the road? 

Akbar my friends.  Akbar.

As I am wont to do, I’ll fall into the trap.  Give me the Bolts.

Arizona at San Francisco (-14 ½)

Arizona may be the only team in the NFL (aside from this week’s Raiders) where Tim Tebow would be an upgrade at the QB position. 

As a fan of excellence, watching a talent like Larry Fitzgerald languish in QB purgatory causes me great sadness.  Somebody needs to launch a “Free the Irishman” campaign and get him to come here to Denver.

San Francisco needs this game far too badly to show up flat.  49ers roll and roll big.  The Cardinals are so bad that even their garbage time +/- is crappy.


Kansas City at Denver (-15 ½)

I'm gonna jump right into the gambler's fallacy here.   Week after glorious week I keep predicting a Broncos win but a back-door cover by our opponent.  My friends, this is just a ton of points to lay down to any division opponent, particularly one with a stout running game on what is forecast to be a very cold day. 

If we lose this game, I'll tatoo a picture of Brady Quinn on my buttocks but I just don't like the number this week. 

31-16 looks really plausible right now. 

St. Louis at Seattle (-10 ½)

My goodness what the hell happened up in Seattle?  I don’t know what’s more unheard of, a point differential of +120 in 3 games or the fact that a player actually won a PED appeal.

There are some possible seeding ramifications here and while the Rams are indeed an underrated and well-coached opponent, I see no reason to start doubting a team with such a powerful home presence and a coach that calls fake punts when ahead by 62 points.

Seahawks cover the 10 ½.

Dallas at Washington (-3 ½)

This is the classic example of how historical trends are going to be both re-affirmed and broken regardless of the result of the game.

If Dallas wins, it sends Shanahan to yet another late defeat as the home favorite to deny him a playoff spot but also disrupts the tendency of Dallas to fade late, miss the playoffs, and fire their coach.

If the Redskins win, Shanahan finally gives history the finger and wins a game he is supposed to win and goes to the playoffs while Dallas fades late, misses the playoffs, and fires their coach.

The current composition of the entire Cowboy’s franchise hinges upon this game but Mike Shanahan is turning more crimson by the minute.  Redskin time!

Last Week:  13-3

Season Record against the spread: 133-107

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Atlanta at Detroit (+3 ½)

Week after week, I would watch the almost certainly victorious Lions do something unconscionably stupid resulting in defeat.  Pundits across the country would invariably ask, “How the hell did they just lose that game?”  I believe I finally have the answer to this omnipresent question.  They suck.  Falcons win and cover.

New Orleans at Dallas (-3 ½)

Dallas is like the Falcons team leading up to their loss to Carolina.  These guys are winning games that they have no business winning (Pittsburgh and Cincinnati) and struggled against a rookie QB at home (Philly).  New Orleans played great last week (defensively for a change) and is coming into this game feeling pretty damn good about themselves.   The Cowboys are one of only a handful of teams who are crappier at home than on the road (I suspect it has something to do with playing in a stadium teeming with big pageant hair and blue makeup) so I think it stays close with Dallas winning on a late field goal.  Fear the half point!  Saints cover.

Tennessee at Green Bay (-12.5)

The Titans forced 5 turnovers (without committing one) last week at home against the dog-butt Jets and only won by 4.  With that little piece of history as a point of measure, they could force 37 turnovers and still lose to the Packers in Lambeau.  They probably won’t even get half that many so I’ll go ahead and take the Packers to cover here in a game they need for seeding purposes.

Indianapolis at Kansas City (+6 ½)

The Admiral Akbar game of the week Click here to see what I mean.  Can anyone tell me why a 2 win team who just got shut out by the only team in the NFL as crappy as they are is less than a touchdown dog to a hungry 9-5 team desperate for a spot in the playoffs?  I suspect a number of bookmakers in Vegas could fill me in here but my wife frowns upon my having such acquaintances.  I’m gonna go ahead and fall into the trap.  Colts to cover.

Buffalo at Miami (-4 ½)

Following a home game in Toronto, the Chan Gailey farewell tour continues in sunny Florida.  Following the blowout last week, a concerned Buffalo fan (I guess he was a fan.  I mean who the hell else talks about the Bills if they don’t have a rooting interest?) expressed despair and surprise at the fact that people think Gailey should relinquish his play-calling duties and focus on some of the more high-level management duties assigned to a head coach.  The logic behind this incredulity is centered around the fact that the current OC has never called plays before. 

Only the Bills will defend the hiring and current employ of a head coach of a losing team who brings aboard an Offensive Coordinator who doesn’t know how to coordinate an offense.  I can’t possibly do anything but take a mediocre Miami team to cover here.

San Diego at NY Jets (-2 ½)

I have been gleefully following the baboonery surrounding the Jets franchise for months now.  Watching the Tebow-philes explode in righteous indignation when it was announced that Timmy Try-Hard has been passed over by a 7^th round pick who has only fielded a few meaningful NFL snaps is like an early Christmas gift. 

A coworker of mine was wondering despairingly why the Jets traded for Tebow if they had no intention of playing him.  Easy answer here.  They realized the same thing that any savvy football fan without a religious axe to grind already knew.  Denver’s playoff run was due to luck and a heroic defense, not to a guy who tosses more dirtballs than the bouncer at Hooters. 

I was thinking about making this the Admiral Akbar game of the week and then I remembered that San Diego is still coached by Norv Turner.  I’ll fall into this trap also.  San Diego wins outright.

Washington at Philadelphia (+4 ½)

2 weeks ago, I wrote that Mike Shannahan was eventually going to be the same color as the warrior on the Redskins' helmet and that rest of the league had best beware.  Check it:  It has finally happened. Redskins to cover without question.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-4 ½)

I can’t stop picking the Bengals.  It’s like I have this horrible, diseased, gaudily tiger-striped monkey on my back.  Well I’m not gonna beat my monkey this week and neither are the Steelers.  I am beginning to believe that last year’s playoff loss to Denver was the first sign that the sun is setting on the Pittsburgh Empire.  I don't know if Cincy wins outright but I do believe they’ll cover the 4 ½. 

St. Louis at Tampa Bay (-3 ½)

What the hell happened to Tampa?  One minute they are an offensive juggernaut playing with purpose and confidence, and the next minute their saying, “Wait a second!  We’re Tampa!  We can’t have this nonsense!” and started playing shitty. 

I suspect that they are favored because they can run ball and stymie the opponents' running game. 

Saint Louis just got torched by the Vikings on the ground and is mediocre at best in the air where Tampa is weak.  While I hope this is finally the game where some team throws a quick pass over the top from their victory formation when Tampa lunges in like a bunch of jack-wagons, I’m going to lean Tampa here.

Oakland at Carolina (- 8 ½)

Under normal circumstances, this is a huge line for a 5-9 team playing against a 4-10 squad.  However, history is beginning to suggest that Cam Newton plays great when games are meaningless.  From what I can tell, no game is more meaningless or disinteresting than this one .  Therefore, Cam will explode.   Given the fact that the Raiders couldn’t score in a 5 cent whorehouse with a pocket full of nickels, I foresee a rout.

New England at Jacksonville (+14 ½)

It causes me physical pain to take a road team to cover a 14 ½ point spread but not here.  The cheating bastard Patriots love to take out the frustrations of a prior loss by kicking craphole teams while they are down in an effort to regain their self-esteem.  Like the schoolyard bully who got a thrashing from an older sibling the night before, I think New England storms over to the Kindergarten playground and starts thumping skulls until their thirst for evil is satiated.  Brady throws 3 TD’s passes in the 4^th quarter when they are already up by 24 in order to make his wife amorous again.  The A-hole cheating Patriots cover this one.

Minnesota at Houston (-7 ½)

Here is Wade Phillips’ chance to prove his quality.  Logic demands that if the Texans give up a hundred yards to the immortal Vick Ballard of the Colts last week then AP will run for over 13,000 yards this weekend.  Houston wants this game.  Houston NEEDS this game.  I think they stack the line, try everything within their power to contain AP, and dare Ponder to do something, anything, in the air.  With Percy Harvin on IR, the Vikes just don’t have the weapons to air it out with any consistency.  I like Houston in something like a 30-17 game. 

Cleveland at Denver (-13 ½)

Yes.  That’s right.  I’m taking the Browns again.  I would bet my house that Manning does not allow the Broncos to totally let down and that a win is imminent, but Denver has a tendency to call off the dogs and let teams feast on garbage in the 4^th quarter.  I believe the line may finally be big enough for Cleveland to back-door a cover instead of my arse after last week’s fiasco against the Skins.

Chicago at Arizona (+5 ½)

I have 2 reasons to take the Bears here:

  1)  Like the Cornhuskers in college ball, Chicago loses the games they are supposed to lose, loses the games they might be expected to win, and absolutely destroys teams that suck.  Arizona most decidedly falls into the “suck” category.

  2)  The Cardinals cannot possibly be expected to be competitive 2 weeks in a row.  They are the Cardinals. 

Bears to win and cover.

New York Giants at Baltimore (+ 2 ½)

No detailed analysis here.  Last week was bed-crapping week for the Giants.  This week is ass-kicking week (See picks from week 14 and 15 for detailed reasoning).  It is the order of things.  NYG to win outright.

San Francisco at Seattle (+ 1 ½)

This game should be a blast to watch.  2 Rookie QB’s, 2 great defenses, and 2 teams with much on the line.  I noticed that the weather is supposed to be cold, wet, and generally crappy and initially wanted to give the advantage to Seattle when I remembered that cold, wet, and generally crappy is not altogether unknown in San Francisco.   

Richard Sherman will not yet be suspended for PED’s so I like the Seahawks to give Kaepernik a very hard time in a very loud and hostile stadium.  It’ll be close, but I think Seattle pulls it off.  Plus, I’m benching Seattle’s defense in my fantasy championship so they are certain to have a historically good week.

Last week:  7-9

Season Record against the spread 120-104

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Cincinnati at Philadelphia  (+3 ½)

Maybe it’s because the memory of the Icky-Shuffle always brings me great mirth during the Yule season, but I seem to be leaning Bengals a lot of late.  Cincy plays great on the road (4-2) and while Foles looked great last week, he put up those numbers against the worst pass defense in the NFL.  Playing in front of those Philistines in the “City of Brotherly Love” always makes the eagles trip over their own dongs.  I like the Bengals to rebound and cover this week.

New York at Atlanta (-1 ½)

2 of my existing theories are running into each other this week.  On one hand, I have the “NY alternates between bed-crapping and ass-kicking from week to week.”  On the other, I have my “Atlanta kind of sucks for a 11-2 team” theory.  Both played out perfectly last week.  The line is small, the Falcons are at home and (I suspect) may have less of an inflated opinion of themselves after the previous week.  While the Giants have a tendency to show up big in big games against good teams, it’s bed-shitting week.  Atlanta covers.

Green Bay at Chicago (+2 ½)

The Bears simply cannot seem to beat anyone that doesn’t suck.  Green Bay had their “we played like arse” game last week and still won the so they have been sufficiently scared without ruining their momentum.  I swear I saw Lovey Smith sporting a  “Norv Turner” look last week.  2 ½ points isn’t much to give here.  If the Pack wins, they’ll do it by more than a field goal.  The Bears prefer epic collapse to nail-biting losses.   Take the Green here and give the points.

Washington at Cleveland (-1 ½)

If RG III isn’t gimping around with a bad leg there is no way I make this pick.  None.  I can’t believe I am saying this, but Cleveland’s defense is much better than Baltimore’s and I think that Cousins (or a gimpy RGIII) is going to struggle here.  I sense a very close game and that half point may hose me here, but I feel a 20-17 Browns win coming on unless Shurmurr does something really, really dumb again.  I give this only 1 chance in 3 though.  Did I just take both the Browns and the Bengals on consecutive weeks?  May God have mercy on my soul……

Minnesota at St. Louis (-2 ½)

The Rams are quietly having a pretty solid season and seem to absolutely feast on teams with good running attacks and less than stellar QB’s.  AP may get his 100 yards yet again, but it will take him more than 20 carries to do so.  I would probably lean toward Minnesota on a neutral field, but, as I am fond of saying, Ponder sucks.  If the Vikes have to throw a bunch, this won’t be nearly as close as the line suggests.  Jeff Fisher excels at extracting mediocrity out of refuse.  I like the refuse to cover at home.

Jacksonville at Miami (-7 ½)

I have a rule when betting:  Don’t ever take a dog-shit team with a rookie QB and give up any more than 6 ½ points.  I don’t even care if they are playing the Chiefs.  This may be teaser fodder but it’s good for little else.  Jags to cover please.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3 ½)

At this stage in the game, the Saints have little else to play for other than to rinse the foul taste of eating crap from their maws.  I like Tampa’s offense and think they may be going places in the long run, but they just made Nick Foles look like Warren Moon from Super Tecmo Bowl.  Crappiest pass D in the league on the road against Drew Brees?  It’s not Rocket Surgery.  Take the Saints.

Denver at Baltimore (+2 ½)

This is a tough game for many reasons.  Denver sucks in Baltimore and the Ravens do not suck in Baltimore.  On the other hand, Payton Manning isn’t Tebow/Orton/Greise/Plummer/Cutler.  Suggs and Lewis may play this week providing a great deal of leadership and esprit de corps, but Ray Lewis isn’t Ray Lewis anymore.  You know who is Ray Lewis?  Von Miller.  Crap…..I don’t know…tough line also…..I’ll just do the reverse jinx and take the Ravens.

Indianapolis at Houston (-7 ½)

That’s a big line for a team that just got punked by the Patriots.  A really big line.  There are 2 primary possibilities that will determine this game in my estimation::

1)      The Texans are like bullies who just transferred schools (or like Mike Tyson).  Once the aura of fear is lifted from them, they fold quicker than Superman on laundry day.

2)      They get super pissed about last week’s ass-kicking and take it out on a rookie (albeit skilled) QB on their home field and regain their self-respect.

These guys aren’t the Cowboys and followed up their loss to the Packers with verve so I’ll take option #2 this week.

Seattle at Buffalo (+5 ½)

How come nobody ever takes me up on my request to punch me in the face whenever I take the Bills?  It’s a free punch in the face.  I am sure there is someone out there besides my spouse who would like to avail themselves of this opportunity. 

Well you missed your chance.  No Bills this week.  The only chance they have to even keep it close is if the Seahawks are so shocked by running into a team that is not the Cardinals (coupled with ingesting some room-temperature Canadian beef) that they actually die right there on the field.

Detroit at Arizona (+5 ½)

Yet again, Detroit managed to take certain victory and turn it into a gigantic pile of “we’re a bunch of losers from a dumbass cesspool city”.  Fortunately, they play the Cardinals this week.  Arizona may be the only team in the country that I would take to beat the CU Buffs by less than 28.  Even a bunch of jack-wagons like Detroit can’t #$%& this one up.  Can they? 

Seems trappish but I’m taking the Lions here and laying the points.

Carolina at San Diego (-2 ½)

With his last dying gasp, Norv reaches from his death bed and screws over his team by jacking up their draft position.  The safest bet on the board is that Norv will hose over the Chargers and their fans and the best way to that now is for this carcass of a coach to win out.  Besides, Carolina got their big win last week and Cam loves himself some let-down games.  Take the Bolts secure in the knowledge that San Diego fans will certainly get “Norved”.

Pittsburgh at Dallas (+1 ½)

If the same Dallas team that beat up on the Giants and persevered with great effort against the Bengals shows up for this game I like the Cowboys to win outright here.

If my Aunt had a penis she would be my Uncle. 

Big Ben recovers and so do the Steelers.

Kansas City at Oakland (- 2 ½)

If I had a European friend who I thought was too much of a sissy to watch the NFL and I never wanted him or her to dishonor our country by claiming to like football I’d have them watch this game.  I don’t even want to pick someone on this game because it feels stupid to do so.  I guess I’ll take the Chefs because the Coliseum is the shittiest place I have ever been.

San Francisco at New England (-5 ½)

I still don’t like the idea of replacing a QB who had just won NFC player of the week when they come back from a concussion.  Harbaugh is like that suave gigolo we all knew in college who would routinely date hot chicks and then dump them because he knew he was the shit.  Then he got old and fat and ended up selling insurance.  Don’t confuse the ineptitude of his predecessors with current coaching brilliance.  The Niners have the feel of a team on the way down. 

Conversely, New England is a bunch of cheating, worthless, lobster-buggerers.  They are also playing much better right now.  As  a Broncos fan I desperate hope for a SF win but I’m not holding my breath.  The Lobster-Humpers win and cover.

NY Jets at Tennessee (-1 ½)

If your fantasy football season does not hinge on the performance of a player from one of these 2 teams, shame on you for watching this game.  Shame. 

Titans at home to cover.

Last week:  6-10

Season Record against the spread 113-95

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Denver at Oakland (+10 ½)

I believe I am not alone when I thought that the Raiders were finally due for resurgence once Al Davis passed on to either oblivion or the next life.  If you are out there Al, please accept my apology.  You guys suck no matter who is in charge.  Still, 10 ½ is a ton of points to be getting for a home divisional game.  I am reluctantly taking the Raiders here but will need to shower immediately after writing this blog.

St. Louis at Buffalo (-3 ½)

Someone once told me that the sun never shines on the same dog’s ass more than once.  While it is true that the Bills are a dog’s ass, I’m feeling a second ray of sunshine coming.  I mean, they can’t be the Bills unless they rip out the hearts of their fans and stomp on them right?  Buffalo will do just well enough to miss out on some good draft picks but crap the bed when it looks like a playoff push may be in the cards.  I’m taking the dog’s ass at home to cover.

Dallas at Cincinnati (-3 ½)

Both the Cowboys and Bengals show the propensity to look both great or crappy depending upon the week.  Sometimes, they will show this tendency from quarter to quarter.  However, Dallas sucks.  The Cowboys just let Nick Folks drop 33 on them.  Take the Bengals here and give the points. 

Kansas City at Cleveland (-5 ½)

I feel bad for KC given the recent tragic events.  For this reason, I will eschew mentioning what a bunch of under-achieving dipshits they are and just take the Browns who have been playing pretty damn good defense of late.

Tennessee at Indianapolis (-5 ½)

1.    I am somewhat shocked at this line.  I feel a great disturbance in the force See what I mean here.  Still, I cannot help myself.  One team is playing well, is at home, and has everything to lose by dropping this game.  The other team appears to exist for the sole purpose of %$#&ing me over in my fantasy league.   Taking the Colts to cover.

Chicago at Minnesota (+2 ½)

This is a tough call.  AP is a man among slightly smaller men and can single handedly keep the Vikings in the game until Cutler quits on his team or yells at a lineman.  On the other hand, Christian Ponder does really stupid shit at least twice a game against even crappy defenses.  Even without Urlacher, I think the Bears beat the spread.

San Diego at Pittsburgh (-6 ½)

Just when you think the Steelers are done, they stagger back up and fight like warriors. 

Just when you think the Chargers are done, they are done.

Take the Steelers at home to cover no matter who the QB is.

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay (-7 ½)

Am I the only one who thinks that losing the bulk of their offensive starters has made Philly better?  I mean, they actually play like they haven’t been on the team long enough to realize what a dunderpate Andy Reid is.  Additionally, being away from their hostile fan base is actually a benefit to the Eagles.  I like the Bucs in the game but that extra half point has succeeded in scaring me off.  Eagles to cover .

Baltimore at Washington (- ½)

I firmly believe that Mike Shannahan will eventually be the same color as the mascot on the Redskins’ helmets.  If this happens, watch out.  Washington wins a close one at home.

Atlanta at Carolina (+3 ½)

For the last 3 weeks I have been saying that Atlanta is due for a crap game.  Every week I’ve been right but they keep winning.  Ron Rivera is on the hot seat and Carolina just suffered a humiliating loss to the dog-butt Chiefs.  This time, I’m banking that Atlanta plays yet another crap game, still wins, but doesn’t cover.  Take the Panthers.

NY Jets at Jacksonville (+2 ½)

BOOOOOOOOO!    BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

**the above sentiment is borrowed from Bill Simmons

Miami at San Francisco (-10 ½)

Remember back in the day when we all wanted to bench Bubby Brister because Brian Greise looked really good like twice in preseason? 

Me too.  Miami covers here.

New Orleans at NY Giants (-5 ½)

I’m done basing my predictions regarding Giants games upon reason, logic, and data.  From now on, I’m just going to try and remember if it is bed-shitting week or kickass week.  I think its kickass week.  Doesn’t matter what the Saints do.  Take the Giants to win big.

 Arizona at Seattle (-10 ½)

When I first saw this line I was almost as shocked as I was with the Colts game.  Seattle has a rookie QB, just lost their best corner to suspension, and is coming off a very hard fought and emotional win in Chicago.  Undoubtedly, the Seahawks are looking past the Cardinals making a 10 ½ line pretty iffy right?  Then I remembered that the Cards forced a bunch of turnovers and held a team to like 6 yards last week and still lost.  I hate huge lines like that but a 23-10 Seattle win looks pretty plausible here.

Detroit at Green Bay (-6 ½)

I have never seen a team find more ways to lose than Detroit.  These guys have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at least a half dozen times this year.  No wonder their city stinks and no one can find jobs out there.  It is said that even Bangladeshis avoid Detroit.  They’re all a bunch of losers.  Screw you Detroit.

Houston at New England (-4 ½)

The Texans can sew up home field in the AFC with a win here.  However, they can also sew up home field in the AFC by getting a couple wins against much shittier teams in weeks 15 and 16.  New England is a bunch of practice-filming cheaters whose fans routinely violate rodents.  I think the Pats cover here.

Last Week: 8-8

Season Record against the spread: 107-85