The House Always Wins: Week 13 NFL Picks

Saints at Falcons (-3 ½) –

Atlanta has been sneaking by a lot of crappy teams on their home field.  Brees and the Saints are pretty pissed about literally giving a game away to the 49ers last week.  It’s time the Falcons finally get the nasty surprise with which they have been flirting.  Who Dey?!

Jaguars @ Bills (-6 ½)—

Do I take the team that sucks playing on the road or do I take the Bills to cover?  This is kind of like Sophie’s choice.  I suspect Chad Henne will remember that he is, indeed, Chad Henne and the Bills will win by 10 or so.  I can’t believe I picked the Bills…..

Seahawks @ Bears (-4 ½)—

Seattle can’t play on the road and it looks like their starting CB’s may have to sit out due to being a bunch of McGuire’s.  Couldn’t DJ Williams have loaned them some goat pee or something?  Bears to cover.

Colts @ Lions (-4 ½)—

Too late in the year to take a rookie QB on the road against a team that shows occasional glimpses of competence.  Good chance Suh tries to kick Luck in the dong no matter the tenor of the game.  Lions to cover.

Vikings @ Packers (-9 ½)—

Green Bay is probably pretty pissed about last week.  If they’d beaten the giants I would have taken the Vikings here.  Moreover, every time I take the points and bet against the Pack at Lambeau I get schooled.  Aaron Rodgers looks like a frightened Frenchman with that ugly-assed moustache.  If he wears it again this week disregard this pick…..

Taxans @ Titans (+5 ½)—

I think this is one of those situations where the Texans have come so close to getting beat by crappy teams that they actually do not come out flat here.  Jake Locker either looks crappy or he looks kind of crappy.  Either way, the Titans’ Defense can’t stop anyone so I look for Houston to cover here on the road.

Panthers @ Chiefs (+3 ½)—

Do you know the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a steaming pile of baboon shit?  Me Neither.  Take Carolina here.

49ers @ Rams (+7 ½)—

I think Harbaugh’s little two-timing thing he has going with his QB’s is finally going to bite him on the ass.  This is just the type of game a Rookie like Kaepernik struggles with a few times each season.  I like the extra half point here to take me some Rams.

Patriots @ Dolphins (+7 ½)—

New England is a bunch of worthless cheating bastards.  Sadly, they are also pretty darn good.  Still, I suspect they are pretty pleased with beating the dog-butt Jets and may be looking past the ‘Fins to the Texans game.  I don’t like it, but I’m kind of leaning toward the fish to beat the spread on this one.

Cardinals @ Jets (-4 ½)—

These 2 teams may have the worst QB’s this side of Boulder Colorado.  I mean, I cannot even begin to describe the amount of suckage here.  I could try, but I would not be successful.  Maybe the Jets are embarrassed enough by last week to bring some anger to a home game.  I guess take the Jets. 

Buccaneers @ Broncos (-6 ½)—

Much like Atlanta, Denver has been winning ugly.  I suspect, however, that the Bucs having won 4 of their last 5 might wake us up a bit.  Plus, the Tampa secondary is so crappy that Tebow might even be able to complete half his passes against it.  Bad secondary + Payton manning = Broncos Cover.

Browns @ Raiders (- ½)—

Good Lord there are some crappy games this week.  Browns actually play like they care and if their head coach wasn’t among the dumbest people on the planet, might even be close to .500.  The Raiders just suck because they suck.  Go Browns.

Bengals @ Chargers (+1 ½)—

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!  Norv Turner!  LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  Bengals here.

Steelers @ Ravens (-6 ½)—

The Steelers are too banged up to beat up the skinny kid for his lunch money much less go into Baltimore and keep it close.  Smells like one of those 17 -9 games.  Taking the home team.

Eagles @ Cowboys (-9 ½)—

Dallas, just like their fans, are a bunch of front running loud mouths who seem to only man up when they can gather together and kick a dude in the head when he is down.  The Eagles are already curled into the fetal position.  Protect the Head Philly!  Protect the head!

Giants @ Redskins (+2 ½)—

Tough call here.  NY really gets cocky after playing well and they looked awesome last week against a very good Packers team.  I almost took the Skins but remembered that the Giants can bring really good pressure with their front 4 and RG III is still a rookie last I checked.  Shannahan also looks like a rodent.  Tough Division game here so I give the nod to the champs.

Season Record against the spread: 99-77