Frey's NFL Picks: Week 1: Making Prognostication Great Again!

Before anything else is said, let us raise our voices in praise to the beloved Buffs and Broncos

A hearty bonjour friends, family, and random NFL fans who may have inadvertently stumbled upon this website! 

The clamoring has become unbearable and it is abundantly clear that a proper dose of pontification and prediction is long overdue.

Fear not, for your apothecary is here and good football health can finally be achieved.

Our world has changed considerably since the last time I dusted off the old crystal ball and took pen to paper.

When last The Invectives were penned, the Bills were rebuilding….again, Phillip Rivers was a wang, the Browns were a laughing stock, and Bill Belichick’s transition into an old woman continued unabated.

Fast-forward 21 months……

Yep.  Still the same. 

So let us not worry about who stopped writing what for 2 years or whose readers may or may not have been neglected and get down to the business of picking games.

Atlanta Falcons (+3 ½) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Watching Nick Foles through pre-season and training camp leads me to one of the following conclusions:

a)      He has Mononucleosis.

b)      New England played with only 9 defenders in last year’s Super Bowl.

I’ll have to watch the tape again but I’m leaning toward Mono.

You can have a Super Bowl hangover, injuries to key positions, and sub-par quarterback play and still eke out a “W” in your home opener.  Just not against quality opposition.

I like the Falcons to cover and possibly win outright.

Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers (-2 ½)

Having already established that it is not 2016, it is more than a little surprising to see the line for this game set as though it were.

Carolina is coming off an 11-5 season where they played extremely well down the stretch before dropping a heartbreaker in the playoffs to the Saints.

The Cowboys missed the playoffs entirely and only eclipsed .500 because they played a Philly team who benched damn near their entire roster having clinched home field.

I think a bus full of yahoos from Texas took a trip to Vegas and dropped a bunch of oil money on Dallas.

Get out yer cash boys, it's bettin' time!

I’ll take the better team at home all day and happily lay the points.

Los Angeles Rams (-4) @ Oakland Raiders

I have a great idea.  Hear me out.

I know our defense sucks right?  This is great.  Just stay with me.

Let’s get rid of the best pass rusher in the NFL from an already crappy defense and get a couple mid-first round picks a couple years down the road.

If we are unconscionably lucky and everything works out perfectly, one of those picks may become almost as good as what we gave up by the time the 2023 season rolls around.   

Then...BOOM!

That’s when we’ll cash in!

John Gruden at the press conference announcing his hiring as Head Coach

God Bless you John Gruden.

Admiral Akbar Special:

Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens (-6)

This may be the trappiest game I’ve seen in many moons. 

Have the people betting on this game even seen Buffalo play?

Their offensive line is in shambles, Shady McCoy may or may not have been interchangeably roughing up and then bribing women, and the Bills are starting an inexperienced, inaccurate, and underwhelming quarterback against a good team in a very hostile environment.

Oh, and the quarterback we’ll be seeing isn’t their hotshot rookie.  He sucks too bad to play.  Say hello to last year’s mediocre rookie instead!

I’m not sure what I think about the Ravens yet, but I know for certain that Buffalo is rubbish.

If this is a trap, then I’m going after the cheese anyway.

Ravens cover.

2018 Season Record:

2018 Trap Game Record:

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 12

Sadly, while enjoying tables laden with food, surrounded by the love of family members and the good cheer of friends young and old, we often forget to offer thanks for the force that keeps us strong and secures our preeminence among the nations of the world.

Yep.  I am talking about football.  The REAL football.  You know, the one where you don’t use your feet.  American football.

So with humble heart and clear mind, let’s pick some games and remember to pity all those foolish foreigners who can’t possibly understand the coolness.

Green Bay Packers @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

Back in the 17^th century, the Swedish army under Gustav Adolphus was the envy of Europe. 

Green Bay used to be good back in the 17^th century as well.

I’m betting on neither the Swedes nor the Packers to kick anyone’s ass going forward.

Aaron Rodgers poses for a team portrait the last time the Packers were good

 I’ll take the overrated upstart in Philly over the overrated decrepit carcass of Green Bay.

Tennessee Titans @ Chicago Bears (+4 ½)

Lots of teams in the NFL suck.

But in order to Chicago suck you have to start winning games late in the year to thoroughly jack up your draft position for next season.

I think it’s about time for this to start up.

Answer:  Who are the Bears?

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos (-3)

This game looks pretty trappy to me on paper but my apprehension is mitigated by the fact that while Denver is coming off a bye and healthy as an ox, the Chiefs are coming off a home loss to the dog-butt Buccaneers and are as healthy as that chick from Sixteen Candles with the neck brace.

I like the beloved Broncos at home in this one.

San Diego Chargers @ Houston Texans (+1 ½)

I’m about the last guy on the planet to talk positively about the Houston Texans.

I’m still not going to talk positively about the Texans.  They’re crappy.

But when, prey tell, did the Chargers become uncrappy enough to be a road favorite against any team not called “The Browns”.

Phillip Rivers is a wang and this game is a trap but I’m falling for it anyway.

I’ll take me some Texas ya’ll.

Go Buffs!

Season Record: 24-19-1

Trap Game Record: 7-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 11

Still in Mexico.  I think.....

Here are the picks this week:


Tennessee (+3) @ Indianapolis Colts

 Miami Dolphins (-1.5) @ Los Angeles Rams

Houston @ Oakland Raiders (-5.5)


Admiral Akbar Game:

Philadelphia @ Seattle (-6.5)


Season Record:21-18-1
Trap Game Record: 6-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 10

While I am as pleased as any that the election season is firmly behind us, it is proving somewhat difficult in the aftermath to drum up enough football angst to fuel the creative fire.

Donald Trump is president.  

The Chicago Cubs are world champions.  

The most famous person in the country is a talent-bereft woman with a sex tape and a fake ass.

If the US was a TV show, it feels like we are watching the series finale.

On the brighter side, I can answer my phone again without taking a survey, my kids don't have to watch political commercials when watching minecraft videos on you tube, and I have learned that if I do not like losing a fair contest of any sort, I can just take to the streets and bitch about it until my hurt feelings fade or I have to go back to my parents' basement to lead my guild in World of Warcraft.

Therefore, should my picks suck this week, anyone wishing to grab a torch and pitchfork and start burning and looting neighborhood shops will likely receive favorable press coverage.


Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins (-3)

Who doesn't love games featuring a sinking ship against a sleeping donkey?

The Vikings have been racked by injuries and Sam Bradford has come to the always difficult realization that he is, in fact, Sam Bradford.

That doesn't bode well on the road even against a boring Redskins team that is the very embodiment of the term, "meh".

Denver Broncos @ New Orleans Saints (-3)

The Broncos are banged up, their defense is exhausted, their punter sucks, the offense can't execute, and the play-calling is atrocious.

Game footage illustrating the creativity and effectiveness of the Broncos running attack

If you can't put 30 points on the board in New Orleans, then you lose.

I hope I'm wrong, but if Kubiak rigidly adheres to his scheme, this one will be over long before the final whistle.


Seattle Seahawks @ New England Patriots (-7.5)

At last.  The two teams with the least-likable players and fan bases (sans Cowboys) in the NFL meet again.

With Michael Bennett out and Kam Chancellor rusty, I suspect that the dirty rat bastard cheating Patriots will put the wood to brash loudmouths of the Pacific NW.

For this week, mercifully, I don't care who wins as long as someone gets their asses kicked.

Chicago Bears @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+1)

Listen.

I know that Tampa is, yet again and perennially, rubbish.

Death.  Taxes.  Buccaneers being crappy..... 

But being a home underdog to a 2-6 Bears team that hasn't won a road game all year and is still featuring Cutler at the helm seems more than a little outlandish.

Did the Bucs just trade for Sam Bradford or something?  What am I missing here?

Seems trappy to me but I'm going to fall for it.



Season Record:19-16-1
Trap Game Record: 5-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 9

I'm gonna ride the "Don't pick teams that suck" train 1 more week and see how it goes.

No time for smart-assery today but I'll make up for it next week.

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-7)

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (-4)

Tennessee Titans @ San Diego Chargers (-4)


Admiral Akbar Game:

Atlanta Falcons (-4) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Season Record:17-15
Trap Game Record: 4-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 8

It occurred to me as I scoured this week’s docket of games that somebody stole my crystal ball and replaced it with a fishbowl full of folly.

Try as I might, I simply could not find a single game that jumped out at me as a good pick, and for someone who relishes offering unsubstantiated opinions over a medium that belies rebuttal, the psychological impact was almost immeasurable.

Then it dawned upon me.

It was time to go back to the basics.

Any NFL game, if examined long enough, is going to look like a morass of contradictions and uncertainties.

Injuries, travel, rivalry games, time zones, coach had angry-ass after a bad burrito.  The possible impacts are beyond comprehension.

Perfection being the little fascist ally of paralysis, I opted for a new strategy:

I give you all…..The “Stop picking Teams that Suck Gambit”.

Enjoy.

New England Patriots (-5 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

What better way to get of the schneid than to pick the rat-bastard cheating Patriots to beat up on these clowns?

Brady is back, Belichick et al are hacked off about getting blanked by the Bills at home, and Buffalo is…well…we all know what Buffalo is.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Patriots to cheat and cover.

Uggs is out for blood this week

San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos (-4 ½)

I believe we can all agree that the 1980 Miracle on Ice was freaking awesome.

Now imagine that if we had to play a pissed-off Soviet team 2 weeks later in Moscow and they beat the #$%& out of us.

I think you see where I am going with this one.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  The Broncos roll in the revenge game.

If this guy beats us for a second time in 3 weeks I'll be super pissed.

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

If there is one quality that I find so endearing about Packers fans, it is their ability to start getting pompous the second they show even the smallest glimmer of competence.

You’d think that last week’s home win over a 1-6 team playing with a 3^rd string QB (who was, up until last week, playing competitive Dungeons & Dragons before signing with the bears) was the equivalent of defeating Napoleon at Waterloo the way people have been fawning over the Pack.

The Chicago Bears' QB upon hearing that he is to take the field against the Packers.

Beating crap teams at home only means only that you are better than crappy road teams.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Green Bay’s time is over.  Take Atlanta.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-4)

 The Philadelphia Eagles remind me of that loud-mouthed, unintelligent, average looking (but yet somehow unbearably pompous) dude we all knew in high school who, by some odd confluence of natural forces, end up landing a girlfriend who is WAY out of his league. 

That same guy goes off to college, convinced that he is some sort of studmoss, but strikes out because everyone can see he’s a low-quality ass-wagon..

The Eagles are an overrated turnover machine (pompous high school guy) that played like crap but somehow beat a team nobody thought they would (Minnesota) and then starts to think they are the Lords of the Gridiron.

It’s time for college Philly.  And you are an ass-wagon.

Don’t pick teams that suck and don’t fall for the trap laid by last week’s lucky win.

Dallas all the way.

Ye Gods I hate picking these guys....

Season Record: 14-14

Trap Game Record: 3-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 7

Yep.  I forgot to due the picks.

Buffs won though.

Here's week 7 for what it's worth:

Minnesota Vikings (-3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Oakland Raiders (+1.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (-1)


Admiral Akbar Game:

San Diego Chargers @ Atlanta Falcons (-5)

Season Record:13-11
Trap Game Record: 3-3