Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Series Finale

Watching this season of Survivor is like reading George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice series.

At the outset, it burns brilliantly. 

The concept works on nearly all levels.  The cast of characters are unique and compelling in their behaviors and histories.

It is impossible to pick a favorite.  Yesterday’s villain is tomorrow’s hero.

Geniuses morphed into dipshits.  Good people did terrible things.  The vanquished became the victors.

Innuendo, half-truths, and boldfaced lies ripped apart alliances and forged friendships among unlikely players.

And then, when the smoke cleared and we took stock of the field, we suffered a blindside of our own:

Where the $#@& did everyone go?

What happened to dreamy Joe?  

Or Jenn the hippy chick that  every 30 year old man wishes was his beer buddy?

Where did that Tyler guy who would always squint thoughtfully at even the most innocuous occurrences disappear to?

How about Shirin the bottomless Google exec who makes people hate her for a still indeterminate reason?

Even Hali the "Surfing is like my 7th greatest passion in life" chick would have been a welcome addition to the final 5.

Just as it happened in A Game of Thrones, the vast bulk of compelling or likable characters have been axed.

If Mike wins, I consider this season a success.

If Carolyn wins, I would give this season a resounding "meh."

If anyone else wins, I just wasted 4 months of my life and I'll be super pissed.

Let's talk turkey:

Sierra

Interesting Fact:

It seems that Sierra is a contestant in Survivor 30:  Worlds Apart

Jurors react to meeting Sierra for the first time

Why she will win:

• She has done absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to have pissed anybody off.  If she sits with Rodney and Will at the end, All red-blooded Americans will be the big loser but Sierra will have a shot.
• We haven't had "victory by bitter jury" for like 4 years.  the gambler's fallacy says now's the time.

Why she will lose:

• Please refer to the first bullet point under the sub-heading "Why she will win."
• I can't believe I am actually writing this, but knowing Will as I do and after seeing Rodney throw his grappling hook straight down into the dirt like 600 times, Sierra may be viewed as a legitimate challenge threat and may get wiped early.
• If either Mike or Carolyn make it to the end, she may not even get a question from the jury much less a vote.

Will

Interesting Fact:

Will once passed out from overexertion while playing a game of "lay down on this nice cushy bed for awhile."

Why he will win:

• Will cannot win Survivor.  
• When Probst said last week that "Anyone can win this game." he forgot to add, "except for Will."

The high water mark of Will's athleticismn

Why he will not win:

• I'd get carpal tunnel long before I could address a fraction of the reasons that Will cannot win.  In fact, just thinking about the attempt has made me hit the bottle.

Mike

Interesting Fact:

Mike built the bottom 1/6 of Khufu's great pyramid at Giza in 3200 BC by himself.  He also admonished Egyptian craftsmen for being lazy and refused offers of assistance.

Ancient photo of Mike hauling a stone

Why he will win:

• Mike cannot possibly lose if he makes it to the end.  He created and executed multiple moves, formed and dissolved alliances, won timely challenges, and ran the dominant game alliance for the first 2/3 of the season.  An honest jury gives him the coin.
• I've never seen a more unimpressive final 5 when it comes to physical prowess.  Unless the final challenge involves narcolepsy or repeatedly throwing a grappling hook into the fooking dirt next to your feet, Mike can easily win out in challenges.

Why he will not win:

• Woo is not playing this year.  Nobody is taking Mike to the end with them.  He MUST win out.

Carolyn

Interesting Fact:

Carolyn was actually able to make Mike Wizowski turn in his paperwork.

"Here ya go Momma 'C....'"

Why she will win:

• Carolyn played a solid if not spectacular game.  If she sits next to anybody without bible tatoos on their back, she will win.
• Of all the remaining players that jurors may actually recognize (sorry Sierra) Carolyn has done the least to hack them off.

Why she will not win:

• Carolyn made smart choices in retrospect but was never the driving force behind any move.  She agreed to join the no-collars when approached.  She agreed to join up with Tyler and even told him about the idol.  She happily joined the Rodney-4.   By definition, Carolyn was a pawn.
• Like Mike, the remaining yayhoos have no intention of sitting next to her at the end.  Like MIke, she needs to win out or she will be toast.

Rodney

Interesting Fact:

Rodney was the guy who deflated the footballs.

Why he will win:

• Rodney tried a whole bunch of $hit this season.  None of it worked, but he played his ass off.

Rodney's plans were actually dumber than this one

• He is one of rthe 2 people everyone wants to sit next to at the end.  If Will and Sierra are the other 2, I give Rodney a 60% chance winning.
• He's from Boston so he cheats.

Why he will not win:

• Rodney stomped around camp, yelled at allies and enemies alike in that guttural Boston accent that all good people find reprehensible, and shamelessly tried to coerce other people into giving them their rewards.   In order to remedy his social shortcomings, he decided to poop the bed in every single challenge.  If the final challenge was a boxing match, I suspect that Mitt Romney would fly into Nicaragua and kick his ass.
• I simply cannot live in a world where Rodney wins Survivor.  This should be enough for all you guys.

Survivor 30:  Worlds Apart Winner:

Mike

In this game, the cream usually rises to the top.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Goat Island

“On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of decision, sat down to wait, and waiting died.”

--Sam Ewing

“The worst calamities that befall an army arise from hesitation.”

--Sun Tzu

In retrospect, we should have all seen it coming.

With every passing week, we waited for Tyler to make the bold move that would change the game.

Just after the merge, while Rodney pounded on his chest like a gorilla and shouted at his tribe mates in his unintelligible Boston accent, Tyler sat quietly to the side, staring thoughtfully into the fire.

It was a good time to make a move to eliminate Rodney.  Tyler did nothing. 

When the rudderless and fractured no-Collars approached him to join forces in order to break up the powerful and cohesive blue collar 5, Tyler carefully pondered the offer.

It was the perfect time to set the power players into scramble mode and play out the rest of the game with a bunch of hippies.  Tyler demurred.

When Will freaked out and started verbally assaulting Shirin and Mike came to her defense, Tyler placed his chin in his hand and gazed ahead, considering these events as they unfolded.

The Survivor gods had granted him a second chance to make a move and finish with a numerical edge.  Tyler opted to stand pat.

Players bickered.  Tyler idled.

Contestants melted down.  Tyler pondered.

People made catastrophic gaffes.  Tyler hesitated.

Not yet....Not yet.....Not yet....Too late.

In the end, anyone with whom he might have done business was long gone, and Tyler’s fate rested firmly in the hands of people just smart enough to realize that Tyler (Mike having an idol and not subject to votes) was the least offensive person remaining in a tribe of obscenely offensive human beings.

The “as long as it ain’t me” ploy that led Sandra Diaz-Twine to 2 Survivor wins is all good and fine on tribes that do not consist of 2 viable players and 5 goats but this season it simply lands you in 7^th place.

When all is said and done, Tyler will be remembered (if at all) as neither evil genius nor senseless dunderpate.

He’s just another nice guy who, frozen by risk aversion, spat in opportunity’s eye, left his fate in the hands of enemies, and then sat in judgement of lesser people.

As much as I hate to do it, I guess I’d better assign some sort of power rankings to these shmos:

#6:  Mike:

Mike has played brilliantly the last 2 weeks.  His idol bluff that proved to Dan that he was at or near the bottom of his alliance was pure gold.

Sadly, Dan is simply too dimwitted to recognize the obvious.

Mike is viewed as the greatest threat and is completely isolated.   Only by winning every remaining immunity challenge can he hope to get to the end.

#5: Carolyn

Our old friend Cochran once said that it is not the moves you make in Survivor but the timing thereof. 

Carolyn finds herself in one of the most problematic catch-22s I have ever seen on this show.

She is a challenge threat and has no clear enemies either on or off the jury.  Sitting next to this woman at final tribe would be an unmitigated disaster for anyone left in the game who does not drill oil for a living.  The band of goats left in the majority wants her out.  Badly.

Carolyn’s only viable path to the finals (aside from an epic challenge run) was to tie herself to Tyler, join up with Mike and Sierra, and then wipe out Dan.

Here’s the rub.  Carolyn cannot defeat either Tyler or Mike in a jury vote.  

So in order to make it to the end at all, she needed to go there with people who would certainly defeat her.

Like Tyler, Carolyn did not make any of the necessary big moves when the opportunity presented itself and then knocked out Tyler 2 moves too early.

#4) Sierra

The second this woman does anything interesting I am going to fall off my couch in shock.

#3) Dan

The only thing keeping Dan from the number 2 spot in the power rankings is the fact that the precise nature of his advantage will inevitably become known to the other players and he will become a target.

Under normal circumstances, this is not a huge concern for someone that everyone wants to take to the final 3 but Dan is pretty stupid.

Dan finally reveals his strategy behind the scenes

#2 Will:

This man may, in fact, be the greatest goat in Survivor history.

If I had the immunity necklace and had to choose between Will and…say….Kim Jong Un, I’m taking Will.

Phillip Shepherd (The specialist) was crazy.

Russel Hantz was sinister.

Colten Cumbie was mean spirited and digusting.

With his treatment of Shirin and subsequent refusal to either step back from his attack or apologize, he has effectively combined these traits into a single, flabby, asthmatic package.

Add to this unimpressive resume the fact that that middle-aged Sherri lady who nearly died of starvation in Fans vs. Favorites exhibited twice the endurance and athleticism of Will and you have yourself a fine goat.

Yep.  Will lacks the physical prowess of this woman.,

There is not a single possible scenario that results in this guy getting a million bucks.

In fact, I cannot imagine any jury composition in the history of this show that would result in either Dan or Will hoisting the million dollar check.

Will is making it to the end.  Bank on it.

#1 Rodney

Even as I type this, my fingers feel as if they might throw up.

Rodney’s primary virtue lay in the fact that he is the least reprehensible of the likely finalists and is just barely smart enough to know that he needs to get rid of Carolyn.

Let’s look at Boston Rod’s game by measuring him against the 3 primary aspects of a successful run:

1)      Strategy

--Rodney attempted to form 3 alliances outside the blue collar one into which he was initially thrust.  In his first try, Joaquin was voted out immediately.  In attempt #2, that cop lady got wiped immediately.  Now on #3, Rodney lost Tyler and will need to eliminate Carolyn soon.

His “I’m gonna quit” ploy didn’t fool anyone.

Essentially, everything this guy tried failed.  Fortunately for Rodney, he is the only one likely to make it to the end who actually tried to do anything.  A disaster on any other season, he played a better game in this respect that Sierra, Dan, or Will.

2)      Physical

--For a buff meathead, Rodney is a big candy-ass.

Still, nobody but Mike and Caroline can claim to have done any better and with Will having been lucky to have even survived he won’t be hurt too badly here.

3)      Social

--Boston Rod’s game consists of stomping around camp throwing tantrums and shouting expletives and insulting women.

This looks like social work compared to the idiocy of Will and Dan.

It boils down to one simple thing:

Rodney is the king of dipshits. 

The strongest goat. 

The least objectionable human being of the likely finalists.

If Mike or Carolyn do not win out in the immunity challenges, Rodney will win this game and then I will know that God hates people who watch Survivor.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart: Power Rankings! Sort of....

Historically, Survivor seasons start off somewhat sluggishly for the viewer.

For the first couple of weeks, we learn about the characters, develop appreciation or disdain, and finally immerse ourselves in the game once we get a handle on the people and the dynamics.

In stark contrast, this season shot out of the starting gate like a pack of greyhounds on amphetamines and each dog continued around the track as if possessed by the spirit of Hermes.

I stood up from my couch and marveled at the race.  So much was happening.  So much won or lost by genius, ineptitude, or plain dumb luck.

But then something happened. 

The race was still entertaining. 

The remaining hounds were still locked in a dead heat and giving their maximum effort.

The long awaited finish line is finally in sight.

It is here that even the more casual observer leans forward in their seat, casts around crazy theories and predictions, and prepares for a wild ride.

Therefore, it was with no small amount of chagrin that I noticed my slightly waning interest and it wasn’t long before the reason revealed itself to me.

This season of Survivor is like the 2014-2015 Super Bowl.

The teams may be great and the game itself exceptional, but I absolutely loathe just about everyone on the field.

All the dogs for who I loved cheering (Joe, Jenn, Max) have dropped out of the race.

Even Shirin, admittedly annoying and often bottomless, became a sympathetic figure when compared to these miserable human beings who now run the dominant alliance. 

Rooting for her was like pulling for the 3-legged dog wearing the bucket on its head and, because many of us have humanity in our souls, it felt good to simply oppose her enemies.

I don’t care how good the contest might be, if all of the participants are abhorrent it sucks much of the joy from the event.

This week, I am going to rank the remaining players not by their prospects for victory but on a scale of despicability.  I probably don’t need to tell you this, but the #1 spot is for the person who sucks the most.

#7:  Sierra:

About the only thing (positive or negative) I can say about this woman is, “Who the @#$% is Sierra?”

Sierra is also surprised to learn that this, in fact, is Sierra.

#6: Tyler

It has come to my attention that it is totally within the rules of the game to rifle through people’s crap at camp as long as you do not steal anything.

Dan’s idiocy at simply stuffing a gigantic mahogany box with his “secret” advantage into his pack and dropping it in the corner of the shelter before wondering off to go be a dick to someone notwithstanding, going through people’s stuff is kind of a butthole move.

Dan's clever hiding place for his game advantage....

Tyler’s deviousness is beginning to make him look less like a Cochran and more like a Hantz.

Still, he has not yet, at any time, said or done anything with an obvious ill-spirit.  He is simply a student of Machiavelli trying to win a million bucks.

#5: Carolyn

Tyler’s friend and ally Carolyn lives at the opposite end of the spectrum of shiftiness. 

I don’t see Carolyn as the type of person to sift through other people’s small-clothes or to artfully mislead someone regarding her feelings so she’s got that going for her.

Maybe it is her “Roz from Monsters Inc.” voice, but she just seems like a bad lady.  She routinely assassinated Shirin’s character to other players and exudes an air of pomposity that often leaks out of many high ranking executives.

"I'm watching you Rodney, always watching.  Always.....

It is her inability to conduct effective pretense that makes her less dangerous than Tyler in the long-term.  In fact, I bet if she was told that she would receive the million dollars if she could look Shirin in the eye and say, “I like you” she would probably vomit on her legs and then have a seizure.

#4) Mike

It is not my wish to attribute too much assholery to Mike based solely upon the fact that he promised his alliance, nay his friends, that he would join them in collectively purchasing letters from loved ones so everyone could be happy and he could still have a 1 in 3 shot at the advantage only to practically shove them in front of him and then back out of his commitment.

After 30 days away from family and friends, subsisting on a near starvation diet and getting eaten alive by bugs, people tend to get a bit emotional when it comes to getting encouragement from the important people in their lives.

The fact that Mike could not see the strategic and personal ramifications of his decision is shocking.  That he would then go back to camp and start a huge fight when people just wanted to read their letters is almost sociopathic.

A visual representation of Mike's recent game strategy.

Then I remembered that this is the same self-righteous a-hole that yelled at his exhausted tribe-mates for not working as frequently and/or as hard as he wanted them to do despite the excellent condition of their camp.

His defense of Shirin while she was getting verbally assaulted and the fact that he has redeemed himself from a strategic standpoint with his exceptional play last week will likely result in my rooting for him to win but I’m pretty pissed off about having to do so.

#3 Rodney

For the first 6 weeks of the season, Rodney received one of the least favorable edits I have ever seen.

I am not going to rehash all of his foibles today as they are well documented and well known.

Boston Rod’s #3 ranking is not simply a measure of his jackassery, but also factors in intent.

I suspect there is a snake out there somewhere that has killed more people than OJ Simpson has (thus far). 

Locals probably don’t like the snake.  In fact, I bet they would like to dispose of it as soon as possible.

But I doubt anyone would say that the snake has a worse heart or a petty and ill spirit.

Rodney is more ignoramus than evil.  Whatever forces (mom, city of Boston, random longshoreman) that raised and nurtured this guy have clearly imparted an archaic and comical worldview.

Utopia according to Rodney

Still, intent or not, anyone who believes that all “real men” simply brawl in the streets to resolve disagreements should probably be sterilized.

#2 Will:

Few indeed are the people who can maintain emotional control and make good decisions when under extreme duress.

When not in Nicaragua, Will serves drinks to thirsty people and sings for free gasoline. 

It is obvious to all that Will’s body and mind are totally giving out.

How he mustered up the strength to assault Shirin is still a mystery to me...

But I think it is more than that.

Abe Lincoln once said (and I am paraphrasing here) that if you wish to test a man’s character, give him power.

Will selected the only person left in the game that could not or would not defend themselves and then attacked them relentlessly.

He didn’t attack the beefy oil-driller.

He didn’t assault the spirited hippy chick that would have shredded him.

He went after a lonely, disliked, and frightened woman with a long (and known) history of verbal abuse who was not a member of the majority alliance and has no power either in or out of game to stop him.

Even after 3 days have passed without further conflict, Will refused to offer even a “Dan-esque” apology at tribal, almost certainly alienating himself from the jury and proving himself to be not only a dillhole but a fool.

#1 Dan:

Dan would actually be dangerous if he wasn’t such a dipshit.

It was with great mirth that I watched him tell the conspirators on the catamaran that he told Mike that he was crazy and that the alliance wasn’t targeting him.

In a way, he is absolutely correct. 

Dan’s alliance wasn’t, in fact targeting Mike.  Dan is just too dumb to know that he’s not actually in an alliance.  Jackass….

There are 2 particular qualities about this guy that continue to surprise me:

1)  I’ve never seen a person do and say such nasty things (always to or about a woman) but still firmly believe that they are a decent human being.

•  “[Women] don’t want the explanation.  They just want you to say you’re sorry so they can say they were right."
•  “Somebody slap this woman.  For the love of God, just slap her and shut her up already.”
•     “Apparently, there’s violence in her history.  If that’s the case, I feel very bad for her.  However….(Insert victim blaming rant here).
• “Just shut your mouth, open your ears, and watch what happens.”
•   “Listen Sierra, I’m sorry for what happened at camp but everything bad that happens in either this world or the next is entirely your fault you barrel riding *itch.”
•   “Listen, I’m just trying to be nice here.  You are a worthless piece of trash who can’t count and who everybody hates.  Your existence offends all of us, particularly God.  Go $#@& yourself Shirin.  I’m just trying to be nice….”

      2)   He's drawn to drama and filth as a moth is to flame or as the New England Patriots* are to cheating.

Take a moment, if you will, to consider this most recent tribal council.

A weeping Shirin is describing her heartbreaking history of domestic abuse and explaining just why it is that she has no family.  The disgusted jury glares at Will for his unconscionable, personal attack on a very vulnerable, if bottomless, woman.

Jeff Probst, with genuine concern and confusion, asks Will why he doesn't simply apologize for engaging in behavior that was clearly out of line no matter what his feelings may have been at the time.  Will, now firmly entrenched in “unrepentant bastard” mode, pompously refuses, earning an even greater amount of scorn and incredulity from players and jurors alike.

Then it happens.

Out of Nowhere, Dan attempts to totally diminish the past and present suffering of Shirin by equating years of verbal domestic abuse at the hands of men to the fact that he was adopted.

It was like he said, “Wait a sec Jeff, I can’t sit here and let all of this pain and reeking injustice stay where it belongs.  Let me rub some of that stench on me.  In fact, I’m going to be so shockingly callous, that even wife-beaters are going to squirm in their seats a little bit if they are watching at home.”

I shiver at the thought of what would happen if Dan was asked about his opinion on genocide.

“Listen Jeff, I understand that she lost her entire family to the killing fields in Cambodia, but what about me?   I got stung by a wasp once while delivering mail and my loving adoptive mother had to place a moistened teabag on my forearm for like 10 minutes.”

He might cry when he thinks about his wife, but there is no beating Dan on the despicability scale.

"I could really learn a few things from this Dan guy....."