Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. These People Make Writing Easy!

And yet another White-Collar bites the dust

It dawned on me subsequent to last week’s treatise on folly that it may be time to change it up a bit and include some much needed positivity to my analysis.

After watching the last episode, this cannot be done.

There is an old adage that a good quarterback takes what the defense gives you and gets the most out of it.

Yet again, the choices made by the contestants this week (socially, strategically, or both) defy any type of logic aside from “catastrophically flawed”.

Obviously, the easy way out would be to simply break out the dipshit-o-meter and roll out another top 5 list.   Since I am told never to look a gift-horse in the mouth, here’s your list: 

#5 Terrible Player of the Week:  Mozzie

Roosters do not lay eggs.

Chickens lay eggs at the same rate with or without a rooster present.

Why the %$#& would you kill and eat the chicken and not the rooster you blockhead?

Thank the maker they didn’t give them a cow for milking along with a bull.  That could have gotten ugly really fast……

Joe after finding out exactly what it was that he had been milking...

#4 Terrible Player of the Week:  Abrasive Carolyn

You can form up a new alliance from the tattered remnants of old ones and still win. (Parvati)

You can cannibalize your own alliance members while keeping the core intact and still win. (Tony)

You can temporarily join an alliance after a tribe shuffle and then rejoin your old one and still win (Tyson)

You can even meander through the game as the swing vote in 5 straight councils without any alliance and still win. (Dani)

But nobody has ever won this game by abandoning their entire alliance and joining a new one at the very bottom of the pecking order.

These guys also changed sides during the last 2 world wars.

Carolyn better play her idol at the perfect moment or she is destined to be nothing more than another sad recruit to the army of traitors who did not emerge with a million bucks.

#3 Terrible Player of the Week:  Rodney the Misogynist

Everyone from Massachusetts claims that their state is the most historically significant, the most educated, the most refined, and the most culturally advanced.

This season of Survivor has totally debunked this malicious lie.   Thanks you Rodney.  Thank you.

Never before have I seen a person so appallingly offensive and yet so totally oblivious to reality.

Rodney’s ideas regarding the proper role of women in society are unreservedly backward to anybody born subsequent to the death of Henry VIII in 1547.  

Whenever someone objects to his position, Rodney simply assumes that the challenger has misunderstood, and proceeds to restate his position in the exact same terms but yells it instead, convinced that an increase in volume will clear up any lingering confusion.

Even the normally imperturbable Jeff Probst, who has seen his share of idiots throughout the years, was dumbfounded by Rodney’s Neolithic approach to gender relations.

Visual representation of Rodney's view on dating

With a look of confused hurt, Rodney attempted to explain himself with additional utterances even more offensive and nonsensical than the previous, ending his defense with the argument that his 65 year old mother is a hottie and that Jeff would hit on her if ever they met.

Every 2 seasons we are treated with a Rodney.  He’s the type of guy who people keep as part of their alliance but the moment they get a +2 numbers advantage he gets whacked by his own team for being a jerk.

#2 Terrible Player of the Week:  Dan the Union Mailman

Dan is a tremendous wang.

The only reason that this jackwagon is not the dipshit of the week is because his tribe is so strong that half of them could succumb to radiation sickness and they would still handily win all the remaining challenges.

Let’s take a stroll through Dan’s brilliant plan to win a million dollars shall we?

Step1:  Don’t vote out the guy everyone hates (Rodney) who has no allies.  Vote out the person that not everybody hates (Lindsay) and totally piss off her friend (Sierra).

Step 2:  Fully aware that a tribe shuffle is imminent, return to camp and attack your tribe mate (Sierra) who is upset that her friend is gone.  Ignore the strong hints from your alliance mates to step off. 

Step 3:  When she doesn’t cry hard enough, change the nature of the assault from insensitive (trashing her departed ally) to abusive and totally unrelated personal attacks.

Step 4:  Once the tribe shuffle occurs the following day and you find that Sierra is still in your camp, be sure to go on a long walk with your buddy Mike (with whom she is equally livid) and leave her sitting at a fire with 3 sympathetic dudes outside of your alliance who need 1 additional person to mount a successful coup.

Step 5:  If Mike berates you for needlessly being a dick to Sierra and begs you to offer a sincere apology lest she join the other guys and destroy your game, insist that you need to explain to Sierra why she deserved it.  When pressed that an actual apology would work better than yet another round of verbal abuse, simply nod and agree secure in the knowledge that you are an expert on knowing what women want.

Step 6:  Approach Sierra under the premise that an apology is about to be proffered.  Skip the apology and stampede immediately off course, citing, instead, a long list of imaginary grievances for which Sierra actually owes you an apology.  Her look of disgust and confusion is indicative of a job well done.

This is what a woman looks like when you yell at her for sucking while apologizing

Dan is one of those burly union-guy victims.  Everytime he does something stupid, it's "The Man's" fault.  Except for "The Man" in this circumstance, is Sierra.

#1 Terrible Player of the Week:  Max/Shirin

As they came in this game together, so to, shall they depart.

There are 2 primary character flaws displayed by these guys (and many executive types) that are killing them in this game:

1)      They are obviously accustomed to doing really stupid crap and never getting called out on it because their underlings/students fear their authority.  Both Max and Shrin repeatedly act without any consideration of the people around them. 

Until you have maneuvered yourself into a power position in this game, the rest of the tribe is your boss.  Unless you have an unusual work situation, it is generally not good form to bend over naked in front of your boss to wash pots and pans.

2)      These guys appear firm in their belief that rank/title equals intellect.  As such, they feel perfectly comfortable calling a staff meeting that excludes 2/3 of their tribe in order to discuss the strategic direction of the game. 

This works in the real world, but not in this one.

Just as I am sure it works at Yahoo, once the people with the brains (the bosses) have determined how things should be handled, it goes without saying that the monkeys will fall into line without protest.  In the midst of all this shoulder slapping and high-fiving over their vast intellectual prowess, neither Max nor Shirin noticed that even their erstwhile ally was totally put off.

The problem with this approach is that this isn’t a classroom in Chicago or a corporate boardroom. 

People in this game are going to be mistrustful and agitated by this type of obtuse pomposity.

Throw in a 40 minute diatribe on monkey humping and then soothe your planters warts in the communal water pot and you have yourself a ticket home.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. Episode 3 Recap

With 2 stellar Survivor episodes in the books, there was bound to be a bit of a letdown and last week was it.

The show should have been titled, Survivor 30:  No Strategy.  Lots of Yelling.

Now as a writer, there is nothing like some good drama to get the creative juices flowing, but in order to be provocative, it needs to be tempered with purpose.

There was absolutely no purpose to any of the petty bickering and jackassery from the players this week.  No agenda was advanced, no power moves made, the person we thought would be voted off was, indeed, voted off, and no amount of editing wizardry could change the obvious inevitability of the end result.

But take heart my friends!  For where there is yelling, there is almost always stupidity!

So without further ado, here are the top 5 terrible players of the week as determined by my dipshittery-o-meter:

#5 Will the Chill but Lazy Asthmatic Guy

When returning to camp after voting someone out who NOBODY wanted voted out, it would seem that you might come up with a better excuse than “I didn’t trust him.”

With Vince gone, No-Collar is likely to lose every remaining challenge until the time comes when Will the Lazy Chill but Lazy Asthmatic Guy is finally kicked off.

Everybody knows that you kind of suck in challenges.  Now everyone knows that you kind of suck in challenges and also cannot be trusted to work within a team.

Will followed this fiasco by shambling through the immunity challenge like he had just completed the Bataan Death March minutes before Probst shouts, “Survivors ready….GO!”.

Will arrives at the immunity challenge ready to roll

#4 Shirin Saggy-Bottom

Last week, the local Yahoo Exec opted to go bottomless around camp, making everyone in her tribe and everyone watching desire about a dozen shots of scotch and a total memory wipe.

Well what better way to follow-up last week’s social coup than by gawking at howler monkeys humping in a tree and then regaling the rest of your tribe with details of such terrifying hideousity and detail that it is clear within moments that you are extremely intrigued when lower primates make the sex.

"You should have seen the passion...."

The fact that she was actually covering her uglies when she woke up her sleeping tribe mates to speak about monkey-love is the only thing keeping her from bringing home the trophy this week.

#3 Lindsay the Infedel

**Rant Alert**

Anyone who thinks that religious belief and sensitivity has been destroyed by modern secularism need look no further than our #3 ranked terrible player of the week to know the foolishness of their position.

In the blue collar camp, Mike (the selfless champion of the working man and patron saint of people who work harder than you do) constantly attacked the work ethic, honor, and integrity of everyone at the camp despite the fact that every one of them has been busting their ass.

The general feeling was “well…that Mike guy is kind of a dick isn’t he?”

However, when Lindsay became the 4^th of 5 tribe members s to take issue with Mike’s relentless badgering and personal attacks and uttered a comment that was insensitive to Christian beliefs, the tension and shock around camp became palpable.

I think I even noticed the cameraman shuddered at her mild blasphemy.

In this world, many are the people who are ridiculous control freaks who want everything done on their schedule and abuse anyone who doesn’t live up to their ideal.  We avoid them or deal with them as necessary whether at work or at home.

People who make fun of religion get killed.

Tread lightly tattooed hairdresser.  Blue Collar society is not known as a haven for atheism.  All-Father Odin loves all his children and your disregard for the holy is troublesome.

Even if people despise Mike, you didn’t score any points with your approach to the situation.

You're done diddly going home

#2 Mike the Oil Drilling Guy

You have a huge stack of wood.

Your fire is raging and well maintained.

The camp shelter is sturdy and constructed with obvious skill.

The water can is full, the pots are washed, and your team has never lost an immunity challenge.

Tell me then, good sir, why the %@&# are you verbally assaulting people around camp when things are going so well?

Motivation by Mike

I answer the same way I did last week.

Mike doesn’t simply want people to work.  He wants them to work when he decides it is time to work.

I don’t know what I hate worse about this guy:

1)      That he is wasting vital energy doing pointless busy work and then mouthing off to anyone who doesn’t adhere rigidly to his schedule.

Or

2)       The fact that he made me side with that assface Rodney who argued with him all last week.

If he does not succumb to dehydration due to overexertion, Mike will be kept around only until such time as Blue-Collar is confident that they have the numbers.

#1 Mozzie

I want to like you Mozzie.  You are the physical manifestation of 2 legendary players whose game I admired and appreciated.

The problem is that you are an idiot who makes really bad choices.  In fact, the only reason you are still in the game is because the only other remaining male on your tribe is that kid from Malcolm in the Middle with the breathing issues.

I think I'd rather have this guy on my tribe the way Joe is going....

When you have a challenge that involves a tribe working together to plug holes in a bucket while schlepping water across an obstacle course, why in the name of all that is good and pure would you remove 10 fingers from plugging holes by disallowing Nina to help?

Jeff Probst was almost cackling with glee as this decision added some much needed drama to a challenge that was really nothing more than a good old fashion buttkicking.

Forfeiting the challenge by ensuring 20% more water leaks out of a moving bucket that can only travel as fast as the local hefty asthma guy can move was a miscalculation of monumental proportions.

In Survivor, the only way to guarantee that you will not be voted off is to win challenges. 

Mozzie may not be the next to go.  He may even make it to the merge.  But the idiocy displayed by Joe thus far has affirmed that he will certainly be “outwitted”.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. Episode 2: Suffering Fools Lightly

Reason.  Logic.  Intellect.

None of these things were in evidence on last week’s incarnation of Survivor: Worlds Apart.

And do you know what?  It made for some great television!

Who wants “reason/logic/intellect” when you can have “dumpster fire/train wreck/imbecility”?

The only person in Nicaragua that did not do something stupid this week was the guy who got sent home (Vince).  I couldn't stand the guy, but an obsessed stalky hippie is a difficult commodity to land for any show.  He and his feathers will be missed.

The task at hand after last week lay not in defining who excelled and who misapplied their brain, but rather in determining the extent to which each player totally crapped the bed.

I have it on good authority that Red Forman is super pissed about the moves made last week.

Below, in descending order, are the top 5 terrible players of the week as determined by my dipshittery-o-meter:

#5 Dan the Rubenesque Mailman

While I cannot claim to have defecated in an ocean, I have been in some pretty hairy surf.  At no point can I see myself getting hit by a wave and losing my underpants. 

If we assume that Dan is telling the truth and his small clothes were indeed ripped from his body by lecherous waves, the fact that he simply did not retrieve them tells me that, for a myriad of possible reasons (none of them pleasant) he did not want them back.

You can be annoying in camp and not get voted out.

You can be a man and wear a makeshift skirt that only barely hides your testicles and not get voted out.

But if you are both annoying in camp AND a fat guy wearing a skimpy man-skirt, you are as good as snuffed..

I don’t know what Dan’s game is but I am certain that my psychological health is better off without this knowledge.

#4 Mozzie (Joe)

Mozzie’s gaffes are indicative of a shockingly high level of naiveté and poor strategic acumen.  This combination never bodes well for a player’s long-term viability.

First off, why would you ever split a vote on the very first visit to tribal council?

a)      There is no reason to even think anyone you want to vote out has an idol.  Jenn and Will are the only people who even had a chance to have seen a clue (which they didn't) and both are ostensibly in your alliance of 4.

b)      The math makes no sense.  In the early to mid-game, Survivor is all about the numbers.  If you split the vote up and anyone changes their mind, you are hosed.  In fact, the very concept of splitting this early encourages flakey people to make their move when they would otherwise hold the line.  You are up 4-2.  The worst thing that can happen if someone flips is a tie.  Use the numbers and stop trying to be so damn crafty.

Even worse is Mozzie’s blasé approach to alliance science. 

<Warning> The following sentence (paraphrased) uttered by Joe is graphically naïve:

“It does indeed appear that Will and Nina have much in common and I have noticed them spending a ton of time together.  Still, I am just going to assume that Will is totally onboard with ripping the soul out of his only friend in the game.  Oh, by the way, we’ll go ahead and split the vote so they can take control of the game if they want….”

The guys next to Joe were also voted off the island largely due to their naivete'

I pretty much expected this type of reasoning from a band of hippies but this guy looks so much like Malcolm and Ozzie that I thought he might have some of their brains also....

#3:  Max/Shirin

I opted to lump these two guys together as they are both guilty of the same sin.

There are few things less enticing than watching out of shape people crouch down near the beach naked washing pots and pans and hunting crabs.  Judging by the obvious discomfort of their tribemates, I am not alone in this belief.

You'd think a Yahoo exec would recognize when her team-building skills need refining....

Both players opted for this foolishness under the premise that it buys them much needed alone time in the game.

If this is their logic then they are idiots.  Both of them. 

You don’t want “alone time” in Survivor!  You want to be in on every conversation, a witness to every dispute, privy to any and all happenings. 

A wise player is both ubiquitous and savvy enough to exploit the information they obtain through observation and involvement.

Never intentionally make yourself an outsider under any circumstance.  The person who finds themselves with “alone time” is out of the loop and invariably finds themselves with a snuffed torch in short order.

One can expect this foolishness from a high ranking executive who likely suffers from “the emperor has no clothes” syndrome, but a professor of Survivor sociology should know better.

For the record, I am not faulting Jenn and Hali for getting naked for a swim because I do not wish to be found and bludgeoned to death by the millions of heterosexual men who watch the show.

#2:  Mike the Oil Drilling Guy

Jesus dude, how many fricking calories are in a scorpion that you can run around camp endlessly working without wearing out?

For God’s sake man!  The pile of wood you have already accumulated could easily serve as a comfortable den for any number of species of prehistoric mega-fauna.

Mike's current woodpile is 17' shorter than the pyramid at Chichen Itza.  

It is one thing to make yourself an outcast by behaving in a manner that is inconsistent with the rest of your tribe, but it is another matter entirely to act unilaterally and then relentlessly bitch at everyone else for not doing what you do.

Judging from the condition of the shelter, the size of the woodpile, and the quality of the fire, it seems clear that the Blue Collars are doing a reasonable amount of work around camp. 

This is not enough for Mike or people like him.  He needs people to work when Mike feels they need to work.  They can rest and play when he feels the time is right for rest and play.

You see, Mike belongs to that unpleasant portion of our population that believes the world can and must revolve around their schedule and worldview.  If he is doing something a certain way or at a certain time, it is the duty of everyone around to emulate him.

Imagine if Max and Shirin would walk up to the fire naked, waving their uglies around, and start self-righteously shrieking at everyone else for wearing pants. 

Mike needs to seriously mellow out.  When in Rome, do what the Romans do.  If your whole tribe wants to play basketball, play 20-questions, or play grab-ass, then you need to do the same and act as though it is the best idea ever.

It is too early in the game to act like a dick all of the time when outnumbered 5-1.

#1 Nina

Ahhh Nina.

If I had any illusions that this woman would be around for another week or two, she might have become my muse this season.

Her emotionally charged rant (totally without cause incidentally) at the other two girls in her tribe was bad enough, but Nina’s appalling lack of circumspection just cost 3 people their games and snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.  

Nina's game plan is now obvious

Will: “Hey Nina!  Come here a sec.  These idiots think I love being in the bottom of their little alliance.”

Nina: “Really?  Fools.  Who are they voting for?”

Will: “Get this.  Secure in the knowledge that I like being their cannon fodder, they are actually SPLITTING THE VOTE!  Along with Vince, you and I can knock out Jenn, take total control of the game, and stay strong in challenges!  Gifts like this from the Survivor gods are a rare thing indeed!”

Nina:  “Excellent!  We are well and truly blessed by this unforeseen boon!”

<silence>

“Soooo….how are you holding up?  You know, after sucking in challenges and looking all sullen and all? Vince is gravely concerned that you are not altogether right.”

Will: <looking put off>“Is that so?”

Nina: Yep.  Vince wants to make sure you are right because, you know, so you don’t quit on us or cost us challenges.  Gotta stay strong you know…

Will:  “I see.”

Nina:  “It’s just that Vince doesn’t want to be forced to vote you out and thinks it may come to that sooner rather than later given your obviously distressed emotional and physical state.  Oh goodness, look at the time.  Cheerio!  See you at tribal council!”

Jeff Probst (3 hours later):  "The second person voted of Survivor....Vince."

And that, my readers, is your #1 terrible player of the week.

Survivor 30: Worlds Apart. Season Premier: Recap and Ruminations

Somewhere in the great unknown, a top-secret federal agent in pink underwear has lifted his eyes to the heavens in silent gratitude. 

For the first time in Survivor history, the production crew has treated us to not 1 but 2 things we desperately wanted to see:

1)      A fifty year-old fat mailman and union steward traipsing around in a banana hammock.

And

2)      An uber-creepy, Fabio-esque coconut vendor who wears feathers in his hair and completely isolates women who he has just met from any other male contact after rubbing his armpits on their faces.

Welcome back my friends!

And a great welcome it is for the premier has gone a long way toward cleansing my palate of the bitter taste of failure still lingering from last season.

By selecting contestants based upon their knowledge of the game, personality, and viability rather than simply finding out who is shtooping John Rocker and casting them, the producers look to have stumbled upon something fun by tossing in a little class warfare.

The preponderance of the cast this year perpetuates the stereotype of their assigned tribes in such a way that the viewer can actually harness personal experience to forecast their behavior.

For example, who among us who has ever toiled for the man did not predict that the white-collar guys would screw over their teammates and take the clue instead of the food?

Anyone who has worked in a union shop has seen Dan the hammocked-up mailman (or some reasonable facsimile thereof) brusquely tell people their business and then pout like a 5 year old and storm off when someone who knows more than he does disagrees.

Who doesn't wanna see this guy in a speedo?  Seriously.

Those of us who attended liberal arts colleges shudder at the creepiness of Vince the coconut guy as he cloaks his stalker-like actions in a veneer of touchy-feely hippyisms. 

I cannot promise that these contestants will be likable, but I suspect they’ll at least be interesting. 

Considering that I cannot remember a single contestant from last year aside from “twinnie for the winnie”, it seems we are off to a much better start.

So without further ado, let’s discuss these tribes:

White Collar

From the outset (due to a combination of game footage and pre-show interviews) the White Collar tribe exuded every negative quality we've come to associate with the type-A executive type. 

2 players instantaneously jumped up my “arsehole-o-meter."

So, who was supposed to be on last season before her sister failed the physical, flippantly mentioned how she makes people cry at work, wearing this sad truth like some sort of sick badge of honor.  She exudes the deluded infallibility and superiority complex that seems reserved for corporate bullies who climbed the ladder through a mixture of competence and sociopathic behavior.

Joaquin is pretty much the personification of every meat-headed frat guy from a rich family that graduated college with a 2.1 GPA but whose daddy gets them a gig at some brokerage.  His quality as a human being is burned indelibly into our hearts when he professes his love of “loose women.”

Joaquin’s the shmo who wears his suit out to the sports pub even though he got off of work 4 hours before.  He’ll drink martinis even though he doesn’t like them, spends more money on his hair than he does his apartment, and spends the entire night telling everyone within earshot how awesome he is.

"Yeah, I tapped your mom."

My initial impression was bolstered by the fact that So and Joaquin decided to screw over their tribe and take the hidden immunity idol clue instead of the big bag of food. 

That same impression was then confirmed when they insulted the intelligence of every sentient being on the planet by coming up with a ridiculous lie to cover up for what they had done.

Many people have expressed their confusion at how anyone who purports to be intelligent and successful can lack any sort of artifice when it comes to misleading others.

The answer is easy my friends.  These guys are used to bullying subordinates and basking in the praise of lickspittles.  They don’t need their explanations to make sense to underlings at the office, they only require obedience.   Logical arguments are reserved for equals and superiors and not to be wasted on those who have to swallow what you say carte blanche.

With So gone and Joaquin next, perhaps these dudes can make some noise.

Blue Collar

The narrative emanating from this tribe is one of an entirely different flavor.

Mailman Dan is a walking recruiting poster for the local Soviet.  In a game that requires unlikely allies and strange bedfellows in order to survive, he seems to love fomenting class warfare.

“We are blue collar folk.  The salt of the earth and the custodians of ethical behavior, hard work, and endless virtues.  Jeff, these other tribes consist solely of small-minded autocrats and flakes.  Shame on them for not being us.”

Probably not a good idea to go off Bolshevik-ing on the first day on the island.  If Dan isn’t a union steward I am certain he once was or soon will be.

On the other hand, you have Rodney.  The self-proclaimed “filet mignon” of the island, Rodney made women across the United States swoon by vocalizing his belief that girls “…want to sit back and let a MAN take on the leader role.”

The scuttlebutt is that his social game will consist of telling the women on the island to “get your bitch-ass back to the fire and make me some beans.”

Everyone but Sir Dan of Hammockton looks to be in very good shape on this tribe and should acquit themselves well in physical challenges.  Initially, I was inclined to give my nod of approval to Mike the oil driller but then he ate a creature with an exo-skeleton and yacked everywhere.

Yep.  There’s your blue-collar…..

No Collar

It is a sad day when I scrutinize a tribe consisting of a surfing lawyer, a sailing instructor, a 25 year old man who is a jewelry designer, a world champion barrel racer, a guy who sings in gas stations, a hearing advocate with cochlear implants, and a coconut vendor and say to myself, “These guys will probably do the best as a tribe.”

They built fire right away without flint, did reasonably well on the shelter, toasted the other teams in the challenge, and then frolicked in the waves together singing songs of friendship.

I knew with absolute certainty that these guys would take the food and not the clue to the hidden idol simply because doing otherwise would harsh the island vibe.

The entire populations of Boulder and Berkeley thumped their chests, stoked by the performance of these free-spirited compatriots as their entire way of life had just been validated.

And then, feathered Vince showed up.

This guy is the least chill coconut vendor I have ever seen.

In one of the most uncomfortable moments I have ever witnessed on this show, Vince stared at Jenn the Sailboat Captain with narrowed jealous eyes and immediately pegged her as his woman despite having known her for all of 43 minutes.

You could see him seething inside when Joe (The Ozzie/Malcolm clone who shall, henceforth, be referred to as "Mozzie") made fire and when that unfaithful, untrustable tramp Jenn had the unmitigated gall to smile about being able to finally eat.

"I'll chop her up with this here machete if she talks to anyone.  I swear to God I will..."

In a scene reminiscent of that creepy "Andy-Andy" guy from Cheers who stalked Diane, he took her aside in the jungle and started peppering her with questions about her feelings for Mozzie measured against the powerful emotional connection they made over the previous hour.

Jenn was obviously a bit taken aback and stammered her way through protestations of loyalty before he grabbed her head, shoved it into his armpit, and walked solemnly back to camp.

I remember back in high school, there was this chick who sat behind me in English.  She was nice enough I guess and wasn't horrifying or anything but she was apparently unaccustomed to male attention.

I took it upon myself to be nice to her as I was bound to be sitting in front of her for a couple weeks at least and it seemed like the cool thing to do.

The next day in class she was behaving very coquettishly toward me to the point where I began to question the wisdom of my decision.  Still, I wasn't going to be a jackwagon and start being nasty so I played along halfheartedly and hoped the hint was taken.

The following Monday during a film she started running her hands through my once glorious mullet as we sat watching Othello and said that she and her friends would "make sure other girls didn't bother me anymore."

The feeling I had at that moment mimicked the look on Jenn's face when Vince went all stalker on her and started rubbing her face with pit.

Who is gonna win?  My current leaders in the clubhouse are, in no particular order, as follows:

1) Max--He actually taught a class on the sociology of Survivor at Northwestern.

2) Tyler -- This guy is not only a keen observer of people by kicking butts as a talent scout but understands the meaning of teamwork having been an NFL and arena league placekicker.

3)  Mozzie-- Come on man!  A hybrid of Ozzie and Malcolm whose experience in the jewelry industry makes him a knot untying machine?  The other players need to get scared.  Now.