Fryguy Flashback: Casual poker part II: Strategy for the early game

Readers over the age of 30 (who are not foreigners or ridiculously un-cool) may remember an episode of Cheers where the scholarly Dr. Frasier Crane, much to his chagrin, is roundly and repeatedly defeated at chess by simpleton Woody Boyd.

The premise of the aforementioned contest is analogous to a good casual poker game consisting of tipsy amateurs. All the best laid plans, bluffs, betting strategies, and logical deductions are rendered useless by the incoherent and arbitrary playing styles of one’s comrades.

The following laws should be applied in order to negotiate the tides and eddies of mercurial and unfocused opponents.

1) Scared money never wins. Make sure your pocketbook is fat and happy enough to weather the level of financial commitment typical for the table. A seasoned bluffer is a dangerous foe indeed to the player scared of losing a few bucks.

2) Drink your booze early. Much like in bowling or darts, 2-3 drinks will relax the mind and focus the body. A minor buzz will also serve to mask emotions like fear or apprehension, making you a difficult read for your opponents. After an hour or two, a respectable table should be sufficiently addled with libations or hippy lettuce, ensuring that any damaging tells will go unnoticed anyway.

3) For tournament play, use intimate knowledge of your friends to create advantageous situations. If, for example, a particular buddy has a long drive to get to the game, he/she may be unwilling to risk an early knockout. Perhaps there is an autocratic spouse lurking behind the scenes that might contribute to some conservative play. Show them you care by asking questions about such issues.

4) Hoard the snacks during early game play. If your friends have empty bellies, honor demands that they fill the void with adult beverages. Sit back, watch the table loosen up, and let the good times roll!

5) Come out of the gates aggressively. Many casual players (particularly those a little short on coin or sporting a rare night out pass) are so uptight in the early game that you couldn’t squeeze a greased BB up their ass. Ride that King-high to the Promised Land my friends! Ride it I say!

6) Animals in the wild will often puff out their feathers or rear up on their hind legs in order to appear larger to potential rivals or predators. A savvy player should do the same with their chips. In the early game, assemble huge stacks of low value chips to strike fear into the gullible. An opponent shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm is unlikely to wield the bluff bat with any appreciable effectiveness.

7) Agitate your more excitable friends with politically charged comments between hands. Calmly state to your hippy buddies that you are looking into strip-mining opportunities due to the incontrovertible fact that wind power causes cancer in laboratory animals. Then claim that you haven’t enjoyed tuna ever since they stopped including those delicious dolphin pieces during processing. Such belligerency not only creates a lively table, but may induce a player or two to try and beat you personally instead of playing their hand.

Next Week:  Late Game Stretegy

Fryguy Flashback: Casual Poker Part I: Etiquette

Burned out on dungeon raids led by autocrats?

Are your hands cramping up from hours of uninterrupted FPS games?

Do you find that France falls even faster than normal while playing your favorite strategy game?

If you answered yes to any of these questions (or maybe you’re just tired from a crappy week of whatever it is you do) then there are few activities more restorative than a nice, casual game of poker with your buddies.

That having been said, there are a number of rules that must be observed by all participants to maximize the therapeutic value of such events.

1. If the other players like to enjoy a few adult beverages and/or illegal herbage, you are honor bound to do the same (at least with the beverages). Teetotalers who can still perform simple mathematics or don’t need to look at their hand every 20 seconds to remember what they have, are justifiably viewed with suspicion by the table and should be discouraged from future attendance.
2. Bring your own libations. In this economy, the player that constantly beseeches his or her comrades for drinks is unlikely to become a game regular.
3. Leave the sunglasses, the IPod, and the hoodie in the car. Anyone who shows up all stern and hidden is a cancer to the soul of the game.
4. One of the disadvantages to living in a capitalist society is that there is an unequal sharing of blessings in lieu of an equal sharing of misery. If you are one of these people who had the audacity to attain affluence and are participating in a cash game, don’t be a butthole and price your proletarian buddies out of the game. Go to Vegas and knock around tourists if this is the way you roll.
5. Only bring as much as you are happily prepared to lose. Good natured complaining is acceptable and even encouraged to liven up the game but keep your cool when things don’t go well. While taking money from a spaz is fun in the sort-term, the Mr. Grumpypants act wears thin pretty quickly.
6. If you are going to play then pay attention. If you have to constantly re-state the bet or remind someone that it is their turn the other players are allowed to empty a beer on the offender’s lap. Be sure not to get any on the cards.
7. It is good taste to constantly remind your gracious host that he/she has never won their own tournament. For example, if your pal (let’s call him ‘Simon’) can’t seem to get over the hump, it will keep him (Simon) motivated to retain hosting duties until he (Simon) is able to claim the big prize. Your other friends will appreciate being alleviated of the responsibility of having a bunch of riff-raff in their homes playing cards.

Fryguy Flashback: Geeking Out Your Daughter as a Parenting Tool: Part II

So you’ve decided to do the right thing and geek out your daughter eh? Most assuredly, you’ve taken the first step toward a brighter future.

However, the path to success in this endeavor is littered with the bodies of unwary, albeit well-meaning, parents. Listed below are some tips acquired by the author at great cost that might assist the reader in navigating the treacherous waters of nerd-building.

Method#1: ‘Accidently’ click on the desktop shortcut for your favorite RPG or strategy game when she asks for help in setting up an educational program. Feign embarrassment at this misstep but then ask if she would like to help daddy battle zombies for a few minutes. Repeat as needed until Elmo gets shelved in favor of Heroes of Might and Magic V.

Unforeseen Consequence: The same girl who tracks down mommy and daddy every time she wants to do some word puzzles mysteriously learns how to launch the aforementioned RPG/strategy program on her own. You now wake up at 5 AM to the sound of Pit Lords shrieking as they are sent to the underworld by your daughter’s army.

Solution to Unforeseen Consequence: Inform your little girl that if she plays on her own without asking and fails in her efforts to unite The Shadowclan while daddy is asleep, the computer will catch on fire.

Method#2: If your daughter shows the unfortunate tendency to enjoy dressing and accessorizing dolls, suggest that she join you at the PC to design and deck out an elf maiden from scratch for some adventures through the world of your choice.

Unforeseen Consequence: Elven society’s apparent aversion to modest dress negatively influences your daughter’s idea of an appropriate wardrobe. It’s counterproductive to geek out your little girl if she opts to rock some sort of ‘naughty librarian’ theme in her teen years due to the character customization screen.

 

 

Solution to unforeseen consequence: When approached again for some character creation on the PC, tell her that all of the elf maidens froze to death due to their skimpy clothing. Introduce her to the wonderful and exciting world of the dwarven hauberk and beard grooming.

Method#3: Manufacture battle conditions favorable to young hands and minds. Turn over the reigns and then marvel at her generalship (this is a good opportunity to introduce Hannibal Barca to her vernacular). Celebrate the victory with a pancake shaped like a Hydra and a juice box.

Unforeseen consequence: Your daughter goes to preschool the next day and tells everyone within earshot how she killed many a succubus the previous evening. Teachers and administrators, hypersensitive to little girls speaking so energetically of killing, become uncomfortable and wish to have a ‘conference’.

Solution to unforeseen consequence: Constantly remind your lass that her enemies didn’t die but were ‘defeated’. It sounds more benign to ‘defeat’ peasants than to have slain them.

Unforeseen consequence to solution to unforeseen consequence: Awkward and confusing moments arise as your young daughter mentions to a particularly religious teacher at school during Easter preparations that Jesus didn’t die on the cross as the stories claim but was, in fact, ‘defeated’. Solution still pending….

Solution to unforeseen consequence to solution to unforeseen consequence: I got nothing.