The end is nigh my friends.
As the gang of 5 prepare for the final challenges and jockey
for position, we are left to wonder just what the hell happened this season.
We shrugged our shoulders at seeing strong players in good
positions turn glorious victory into ignominious defeat by overplaying their
hands or making moves too early.
We frowned quizzically as people strong in brawn but weak in arithmetic created or joined minority alliances doomed to failure at the moment of their inception.
We rolled our eyes as secret agents in pink underpants
engaged in games of cloak and dagger and bestowed cartoonish nicknames upon
adult human beings.
We enjoyed an awesome beard.
Saw an angry guy do some beach stretching that we all wish we could forget.
And rejoiced in a sweet ‘stash.
We saw a woman cry like a schoolgirl week after week for a
variety of ailments real or imagined.
We saw the lead singer of The Doors "Gump" his way to the
final episode without having the slightest idea what he or anyone else was
doing.
We saw an otherwise smart woman decide that losing a million
dollars was preferable to belonging a single moment longer to an alliance that
did not have a gay man in it.
We saw someone choose humanity over strategy, saving
another player’s sanity, self-esteem, and life in the game only to be betrayed horribly a
few days later.
And we saw a Dipshit Eddie act out every conceivable ridiculous
idea or action and still make it to the final episode.
It has been an interesting ride to be sure. There is really only 1 person left by the
communal fire who deserves to win this game and he’s a ginger law student. However, who should win and who will win are seldom one and the same in both
Survivor and in life.
For the finale edition, I will talk about how each player
got to where they are now and rank them according to the likelihood that they
bring home the million bucks.
5) Sherri—
Stiffler’s mom may be the weakest
player I have ever seen at any competitive event, and I once played broomball in
college with a dude who was so drunk that he vomited pure Everclear into a breathalyzer
back at the dorm.
I am half-surprised that Jeff Probst
did not offer her one of those little carts they have for old people at the
grocery store so she could acquit herself better in challenges.
Through a combination of ridiculous
strategy (allying with the insufferable Shamar and later grabbing a handful of
pink man-panties), absorbing the non-entity vacuum vacated by that boring
racecar chick, and achieving a monumental level of challenge sucking, Sherri
became completely non-viable.
There is not a single person on this island or any other
that is less deserving of a million bucks.
The remaining players will almost certainly trample over each other to
bring her to the end but that little Filipino dude who Malcolm compared to
Gollum would get more votes and he’s not even playing.
4) Dawn--
I don’t even want to know where she was hiding the saline
drip that must have been constantly required to prevent death by dehydration due to all the
crying.
Dawn weebled and wept her way through the entire season,
praying upon the humanity of other players until such a time as she could
absorb their strength, fool them into thinking that she appreciated their
kindness, and then slip the blade into their backs.
Unlike the little boy from Old Yeller who wept with despair as he put down his beloved friend,
Dawn cried only for herself throughout the season and did not bat an eyelid as
she terminated the people who kept her from hanging herself in a fit of
despair.
Dawn only made it this far because other players gave of
themselves on a personal level to help a crazy person. The boldest strategic move she made was to
rat out everyone else who wanted to make a bold strategic move and then to turn
on Brenda to whom she owed a huge debt of gratitude.
Her only hope for victory lies in going to the final 3 with
Eddie and Sherri. She must then hope
that the jury (most of whom are there because sweet, pious, trusting Dawn
lied so well, so blatently, and so often) wants to bolster their own
self-esteem by giving her the title and then claiming that they lost to the
champ.
She can count on Cochran’s vote and probably Phillip’s. If she does well in front of the jury in between the inevitable crying fits(she
is, after all, an English professor) and the “I wanna lose to the best” bug
takes hold, then perhaps Malcolm and Michael will put her over the top.
3) Eddie--
Ahhh Eddie. My
muse. The antidote for all writer’s
block.
There were times this season that I thought I watched this
show solely due to this man’s incessant baboonery.
If Winnie the Pooh joined a fraternity on double secret
probation and initiated a semester-long drinking binge, I suspect he would look
and act something like Eddie.
The below short list of instances or events tell us
everything we need to know about this guy:
a) He
repeatedly stated his belief that the world was and should be divided between those
who are pretty and those who are not. He
formed a minority alliance of “pretty people” and then participated in
activities that excluded and alienated the majority voting block in his own tribe.
b) He
worried that participating in the eating challenge might hamstring his ability
to get some good tail.
c) He
lounged around in the shelter while Reynold feverishly searched for idols.
d) He
eschewed purchasing an advantage that would have guaranteed him immunity for a
tub of Skippy, and then quit another vital challenge to share donuts and a glass
of milk with Erik.
In Eddie, we see the personification of the ADD generation;
a young man for whom the need for instant gratification completely eliminates
any sense of reason or awareness of long-term goals.
He has a brain and an outlook that is so shallow as to be
completely devoid of depth or complexity.
I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be sitting next to
this guy when it comes time to plead my case to the jury.
Eddie may win an immunity here in the next episode, further
improving his prospects for making it to the end but he needs the same final 3
as Dawn to have a prayer.
In such an event, Eddie can (and should given his nature) abstain
from comment and still count on a vote from Reynold, and probably from Malcolm,
Andrea, and Brenda.
2) Cochran
If he makes it to the end, he wins. There can be no debate unless you believe
Erik can summon the spirit of The Bard when presenting to the jury.
Cochran’s success in this game is a credit to his ability to
learn from the mistakes of his previous stint on Survivor.
He not only kept his wits about him throughout the entire
month, he succeeded in soothing the fragile psyches and huge egos of the rest
of his alliance, keeping them focused and consistent.
Much to my surprise, Cochran even won immunity twice,
effectively eliminating a lack of physicality from an already thin stockpile of
ammunition his opponents might use at the final tribal council.
Unlike Dawn, who made it her mission to make every betrayal
as painful and personal as possible, Cochran quietly and competently shaped the
game to his will and retained the loyalty and respect of both his alliance and
his tribe.
Only once did he initiate the betrayal of a tribe member
(Brenda) but her personal relationship with Dawn was so obvious and poignant
that his involvement is almost an afterthought.
His observations are astute, his analogies apt, and his
timing impeccable.
If I didn’t know that it was impossible, I’d even guess that
he knows just what the hell Erik is doing.
Cochran would undoubtedly neatly tie all of these
accomplishments together with the practiced skill of a likable courtroom
attorney.
The problem is, he probably won’t get the chance. Nobody in this game has ever wanted to sit next to him on the short bench.
Unless the final challenge involves eating a tub of beetle
poop and then completing a puzzle map of Harvard Yard, Cochran’s journey almost
certainly ends before the final 3.
However, 2 of the 4 remaining players are named Eddie and
Erik so there is a chance, albeit slight, that he can blind them with science and dupe them
into taking him along to the end.
1) Erik
I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floatin’
around accidental-like on a breeze. But
I, I think maybe it’s both.
--Forrest Gump
Subsequent to Dawn’s vile assault on all that is good and
pure, this game is now Erik’s to lose.
He is now the primary physical force remaining, has a
plethora of allies on the jury, and isn’t the primary target for the next vote.
If Cochran does not win immunity in the next challenge and
Erik can win final immunity, the game is over.
Nobody but Cochran is likely to defeat him at tribal council
and he is certainly the odds on favorite to win immunity at the end.
Once in front of the jury, Erik can rightly say that his
votes (despite the fact that nobody bothered telling him what was going on half
the time) determined the outcome of the game.
Whether intentionally or accidental (as I believe), Erik
played the best game possible with cards he was dealt.
He’s not a smart man or an eloquent one, but as we all know,
dumb luck fueled by innocence (ala Forrest
Gump) always stymies even the best laid plans of the skilled and powerful.
And that’s all I have to say about that…….
Brenda--Ranked #5 out of 6 when voted out week 13.
Andrea—Ranked #6 out of 7 when voted out week 12.
Brenda--Ranked #5 out of 6 when voted out week 13.
Andrea—Ranked #6 out of 7 when voted out week 12.
Reynold—Ranked #8 out of 8 when voted out week 12.
Malcolm—Ranked #8 out of 9 when voted out week 11.
Phillip—Ranked #4 out of 10 when voted out week 10.
Michael—Ranked #9 out of 11 when voted out week 9.
Corinne—Ranked #5 out of 12 when voted out week 8.
Julia—Ranked #13 out of 13 when voted out week 7
Matt—Ranked #10 of 14 when voted out in week 6.
Brandon—Ranked #15 out of 15 when voted out week 5
Laurie—Ranked #12 out of 16 when voted out week 4
Shamar—Ranked #17 out 17 when he left the game
Hope—Ranked #17 of 18 when voted out week 3
Allie—Rated “Poor” when voted out week 2
Francesca—rated “Poor” when voted out week 1
I have to say that if I were Malcom, I would be extremely peeved at Eddie. Malcom could have bought himself at least one more day with his hidden immunity idol instead of giving it to Eddie. And while it was still a right move at the time, sending Phillip home, I doubt Malcom would have even considered it, knowing that Eddie quickly through away a chance at a million dollars for donuts at the very next challenge.
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