In retrospect, the 2012 NFL season was comfort food.
Teams that have endeared themselves to us with their crappiness (Bills, Browns, Lions, Cardinals, Raiders, Tampa) regained their form while franchises recently more accustomed to a certain level of excellence (Denver, New England, Green Bay, Baltimore) have retained or re-established their relevance.
A Mike Shanahan coached team ran the hell out of the football, Tony Romo got the yips when it mattered, AP was AP, Norv was Norv, and Jay Cutler bitched at his teammates.
Atlanta continued on as a regular season powerhouse, San Francisco beat up on these types of powerhouses but then laid down for patsies, and Indianapolis hitched their wagon to a last place schedule and skilled rookie QB and rolled into the playoffs.
Since most people fear and detest change, this season was a welcome dose of nostalgia.
My season record against the spread stands at 140-116. If you guys had listened to me and bet 1 million dollars on every game, you would have won 24 million dollars! That’s right! 24 MILLION DOLLARS! Of course Vegas or the bookmaker gets 10% of that, Uncle Sam takes around 40%, the spouse grabs about 83% of what trickles through the tax machine but still, the remaining wealth would have been definitely worth it!
The fact that I am writing this and not drinking a coconut porter and eating a taco from Pat’s Taqueria on Hanalei Beach should serve as an indication that I too did not bet on these games but that is neither here nor there…..
In any event, let us refrain from such lamentations and look to that which makes us the superior to all foreigners: The NFL Playoffs!
Cincinnati at Houston (-4 ½)
Under normal circumstances, I eschew the “hot team” theory in opening rounds of the playoffs. Recent history is replete with teams bumbling their way into the postseason and then beating a superior team at home (Denver over Pittsburgh 2011, Seattle over New Orleans 2010).
Still, Houston looks really, really bad and Gary Kubiak is starting to look more and more like a young Marty Schottenheimer. Cincy has a robust pass rush, skilled corners, and a studmoss receiver in AJ Green.
Giving 4 ½ points away and taking a team that is as shaky as a Frenchman in a thunderstorm would be offensive to doctors, women, and monkeys.
I see a close game either way because the Texans are at home but I don’t think they beat the spread even with the law firm (Benjarvis Green-Ellis) with a sore hamstring on the docket.
Minnesota at Green Bay (-9 ½)
Another one of the many pleasures provided by this NFL season is that it assisted in fostering my healthy dislike for the Packers.
My opponent in our fantasy football championship game had Aaron Rodgers. Watching these a-holes not only keep him in the game with a 30 point second half-lead, but having him taking shots at the end zone until damn near kneel-down time is more than I can suffer as a civilized human being.
It’s like Mike McCarthy caught Titan’s owner Bud Adams in bed with his wife or something….
If the aforementioned circumstance was not the case, and there is such a thing as Karma, everyone involved in the Packers organization (including the rubes that purchased a public share of the team) will come back in the next life as toilet brushes.
As far as the game is concerned, I’m pretty sure Green Bay wins but the spread seems unjustifiably large considering that the Vikings just ramrodded the Packers last week in Minnesota.
For both Karmic and empirical reasons, I’m going with the Scandinavians to cover.
Indianapolis at Baltimore (-6 ½)
Everyone likes a good story.
As a wee-one, my parents told me of a white-robed old one that brought gifts to well-behaved children during the yule season.
I gleefully watched Jean-Luc Picard wrangle with Romulan Empire, Bludgeon the Borg, and Castigate the Cardassian Union.
Watching the Colts rise from the ashes of last season like a Phoenix, scrap for every yard in an effort to honor their valiant and embattled head coach, and knock down the Texans to secure a #1 seed for my beloved Broncos has been most gratifying.
However, the story can also be told like this:
There once was a crappy team who picked a really good QB in the first round of the draft. They played a lot of close games against crummy opponents but secured enough victories by virtue of their last-place schedule to make the playoffs.
As the eternal optimist, I prefer story #1.
Even so, as a realist and a student of history, I know that for every “Rudy”, “Rocky”, or “Daniel LaRusso”, there are five hundred Anne Bolyns.
Sadly, the Ravens win and cover here.
Seattle at Washington (+1)
To my thinking, this is the game of the week. 2 outstanding Rookie QBs supported by excellent running attacks.
From what I have seen thus far, thou doth not betteth against RG III lest one don the jester’s hat for the amusement of thine companions.
The Seahawks, however, are on such a roll that their players are even winning appeals to the commissioner’s office. This is akin to a tornado missing a trailer park. I would be a fool to oppose Seattle when it is clear that they have the blessing of the gods.
As far as the ‘Skins are concerned, it obvious they have the firm support of Mars/Ares given the continued reddening of Mike Shanahan. I believe an e-mail from Brian Friedrich in Aurora sums up what we are all feeling:
I no longer know what to make of Mike Shannahan’s pigmentation. For a while it seemed like he was trying to turn red to match his Redskins jacket, but he achieved that shade a couple weeks ago. If he continues past that, then I’m no longer sure what the end goal is. What is more red then red? Infrared, maybe? Can you heat a Cup O’Noodles using only a picture of Shannahan’s face?
I have said before that his red skin and his complete lack of lips make him look like Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba, but now I think there is something more sinister going on.
COULD MIKE SHANNAHAN BE TURNING INTO SATAN HIMSELF?
If so, what happens when we finally get Shannahan vs Tebow? Are our souls at stake? What if I want to ride with RG3 – does that align me with the prince of darkness? And what does that make Kyle Shannahan? Does that make him the duke of darkness? Is that why Duke is known as the Blue Devils? Why isn’t Mike Krzyzewski turning red then? Or blue, for that matter?
I have a headache.
The above is an extremely compelling argument on behalf of Washington and I am tempted to lean that way but Seattle’s scary-good defense is forcing me the other direction.
I’m going Seahawks in a squeaker.
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