Frey's NFL Picks: Week 8

It occurred to me as I scoured this week’s docket of games that somebody stole my crystal ball and replaced it with a fishbowl full of folly.

Try as I might, I simply could not find a single game that jumped out at me as a good pick, and for someone who relishes offering unsubstantiated opinions over a medium that belies rebuttal, the psychological impact was almost immeasurable.

Then it dawned upon me.

It was time to go back to the basics.

Any NFL game, if examined long enough, is going to look like a morass of contradictions and uncertainties.

Injuries, travel, rivalry games, time zones, coach had angry-ass after a bad burrito.  The possible impacts are beyond comprehension.

Perfection being the little fascist ally of paralysis, I opted for a new strategy:

I give you all…..The “Stop picking Teams that Suck Gambit”.

Enjoy.

New England Patriots (-5 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

What better way to get of the schneid than to pick the rat-bastard cheating Patriots to beat up on these clowns?

Brady is back, Belichick et al are hacked off about getting blanked by the Bills at home, and Buffalo is…well…we all know what Buffalo is.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Patriots to cheat and cover.

Uggs is out for blood this week

San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos (-4 ½)

I believe we can all agree that the 1980 Miracle on Ice was freaking awesome.

Now imagine that if we had to play a pissed-off Soviet team 2 weeks later in Moscow and they beat the #$%& out of us.

I think you see where I am going with this one.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  The Broncos roll in the revenge game.

If this guy beats us for a second time in 3 weeks I'll be super pissed.

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

If there is one quality that I find so endearing about Packers fans, it is their ability to start getting pompous the second they show even the smallest glimmer of competence.

You’d think that last week’s home win over a 1-6 team playing with a 3^rd string QB (who was, up until last week, playing competitive Dungeons & Dragons before signing with the bears) was the equivalent of defeating Napoleon at Waterloo the way people have been fawning over the Pack.

The Chicago Bears' QB upon hearing that he is to take the field against the Packers.

Beating crap teams at home only means only that you are better than crappy road teams.

Don’t pick teams that suck.  Green Bay’s time is over.  Take Atlanta.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-4)

 The Philadelphia Eagles remind me of that loud-mouthed, unintelligent, average looking (but yet somehow unbearably pompous) dude we all knew in high school who, by some odd confluence of natural forces, end up landing a girlfriend who is WAY out of his league. 

That same guy goes off to college, convinced that he is some sort of studmoss, but strikes out because everyone can see he’s a low-quality ass-wagon..

The Eagles are an overrated turnover machine (pompous high school guy) that played like crap but somehow beat a team nobody thought they would (Minnesota) and then starts to think they are the Lords of the Gridiron.

It’s time for college Philly.  And you are an ass-wagon.

Don’t pick teams that suck and don’t fall for the trap laid by last week’s lucky win.

Dallas all the way.

Ye Gods I hate picking these guys....

Season Record: 14-14

Trap Game Record: 3-4

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 7

Yep.  I forgot to due the picks.

Buffs won though.

Here's week 7 for what it's worth:

Minnesota Vikings (-3) @ Philadelphia Eagles

Oakland Raiders (+1.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (-1)


Admiral Akbar Game:

San Diego Chargers @ Atlanta Falcons (-5)

Season Record:13-11
Trap Game Record: 3-3

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 6

If last week’s 3-1 record is any indication, just popping on 30 minutes before kick-off and picking games without the accompanying smartassery is the ticket to success.

Since I like to be both successful and a wiseass, last minute panic is going to drive the creative juices this week.

Right then.  Let’s pick some games.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins (+3)

The Redskins are dangerously close to joining the ranks of the Bills, Patriots, and Browns as a team that does the exact opposite of what I pick them to do just to be dicks.

Still, being a home underdog in a division game against a team with a rookie QB is hard to pass up.

I’m holding my nose and picking the ‘Skins.

I feel like this every time I pick these guys to win.

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (+3)

If Matt Ryan and the Falcons can throw for 500 yards against the Panthers’ secondary, then Drew Brees will have 900 yards passing today under the dome in the Big Easy.

Sadly, it still may not be enough to win because the Saints ‘D’ is like a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest, but I like the home team to cover this one also.

The real bet is whether or not Cam Newton is going to slow down and walk into the end zone this week like he's the Queen of England or something.  I'm betting he won't.

Cincinnati Bengals @ New England Patriots (-7 ½)

It has become fashionable among those insufferable lack-wit New England fans and their East coast apologists in the media to say that anyone who dislikes the Patriots is simply jealous of their success on the field.

While it is indeed true that hating teams that perennially suck like Cleveland or Jacksonville requires more effort, disliking villains is matter of them being villains, not distaste born of jealousy.

According to Patriot Nation, we dislike the following people/entities because we are jealous:

1)      Mussolini

2)       Biff Tannen from Back to the Future.

3)      The Confederacy

4)      Governor Tarkin from the first Star Wars movie.

5)      HOA’s.

Yep.  New England apologists believe you are jealous of this guy.

In fact, here is why we hate the Patriots:

1)      They script their first 15 plays and then shut off their opponents’ headsets during home games.

2)      Bill Belichick is a grumpy old woman who thinks being an imperious jerk is cool.

3)      They have cheated incessantly in dozens of ways for the last 15 years.

4)      Josh McDaniels is an unrepentant arsewagon who purposefully sabotaged the Broncos.

5)      Their fans root for the Germans in war films.

I’m taking the Patriots to win and cover this week just to put the jinx on them.

You’re welcome.

Atlanta Falcons@ Seattle Seahawks (-7)

Atlanta is playing some damn good ball right now.  Damn good.

I don’t care that Seattle is coming off a bye week, 7 points is a huge number in the NFL when 2 good teams are playing.

Somebody is begging us to take the Falcons here so they can add a new floor to their casino.

I’m not biting.

Give the points and take Seattle.

Season Record:  10-10

Trap Game Record: 3-2

Frey's NFL Picks: Week 5

Due to some substantial half-assing, I am just going to pick the games this week.

Cincinnati Bengals (-1) @  Dallas Cowboys

Houston Texans @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-7)

Trap Game:

Philadelphia Eagles @ Detroit Lions (+3)

Season Record: 7-9

Trap Game Record: 2-2