Frey's NFL Picks of the Week: Week 7

Last year:  Oakland vs. Miami

Last week:  Miami vs. Tennessee

This Week: Buffalo vs. Jacksonville

If the NFL is really serious about expanding into the London market, why in God’s name do they keep telling England to go $#%& themselves?

This is for the Boston Massacre you Limey Bastards!

Philadelphia Eagles @ Carolina Panthers (-2 ½)

Before headlines start blaring “Wreck it Chip Rights the Ship” I want to see how they handle a solid opponent on the road. 

The Eagles’ running attack finally looks like it is going somewhere. 

Unfortunately, that somewhere is right into Luke Kuechley.

DeMarco Murray runs off-tackle for no gain.

I like the Panther’s to cover.

Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (-4)

When it comes to my picks, San Diego is becoming like Buffalo Junior.

Every week I look at their game and a strange compulsion to pick them keeps assaulting me.

I mean, I despise Phyllis Rivers.  In fact, I’d rather have Jay Cutler beat me with a tire iron than see Rivers succeed on the field.

I imagine this would be the most half-assed tire iron beating I''d everreceive....

I’m picking the Chargers in this one and may God have mercy on my soul.

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants (-3 ½)

Whenever your plan to infuse your foundering franchise with spirit and confidence involves starting Brady Quinn you’re screwed.

Nelson Muntz and I had the same reaction when we heard of the Cowboys' QBchange.

 Take the Giants at home and give the points.

Cleveland Browns @ St. Louis Rams (-4)

And finally, the Admiral Akbar Trap Game of the Week.

It’s pretty simple really.

If the Cleveland Browns just gave up 152 rushing yards to the Denver Broncos last week, then Todd Gurley and the Rams are going to finish the day with 72,000 yards rushing.

Why this spread is fewer than 6 ½ is beyond understanding.

Unless….

Week 5 Record:  3-1

Season Record: 16-8

Trap Game Record: 3-3

Frey's NFL Picks of the Week: Week 6

If Theodore Roosevelt were alive today, he would throat-punch me for going 2-2 for three consecutive weeks.

But he’s not.  So up yers Roosevelt.

 

This guy never went 2-2.  Ever.

Cincinnati Bengals (-2 ½) @ Buffalo Bills

This game was very nearly my trap game of the week.

Then I remembered that the Bills always screw me one way or another so it cannot possibly be as much of a sure thing as it appears.

You are dead to me Buffalo....

Carolina Panthers @ Seattle Seahawks (-5 ½)

It is sensationalism of the highest order to label any game that occurs in week 6 of the NFL season as a “must win”.

That having been said, if you are the Seahawks, this is a “must win”.

**Unrelated Rant**

It seems quite clear that Pete Carroll was deftly kidnapped with 24 seconds remaining in SuperBowl XLIX and replaced with an improvident lack-wit:

Situation #1:  On the 1 yard line with a time-out in hand and an unstoppable running attack?

Pete’s Plan:  Throw a short slant into the teeth of a defense already packed into the middle of the field.

Situation #2:  Forced overtime against the Rams on the road in week 1?

Pete’s Plan:  Perform some bastardized version of an onside kick to give your opponent excellent field position.

Situation #3:  Young stud RB rattles off a dominant 163 yards and a TD?

Pete’s Plan:   Bench him on the last drive in favor of a 34 year-old dude playing with a high ankle sprain.

Pete Carroll makes another big crunch-time decision....

Carolina is overrated anyway.  I’m putting my coin on Pete Carroll’s doppelganger.

New England (-6 ½) @ Indianapolis Colts

Anyone who doesn’t think that New England is going to absolutely violate Indy in revenge for pointing out their deflated footballs doesn’t know what a dick William Stephen Belichik is.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Minnesota Vikings (-3 ½)

This trap game is so trappy I almost don’t even want to fall into it.

Almost.

1)      Minnesota is coming of a bye-week well rested and with extra time to prepare.

2)      The Vikings are at home.

3)      Kansas City is 1-4, banged up as hell, and just lost to a dog-crap Chicago team at Arrowhead.

4)      The Chiefs lost their best player for the entire season last week.

They may suck but they will always be the Chefs.

Unless they just found Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson smoking crack with Marion Barry’s legal team and I just don’t know about it yet, this line looks too good to be true.

Which means it probably is. 

Trap me up Akbar.  Let’s see where this experiment takes us.

Go Vikings.

Week 5 Record:  2-2

Season Record: 13-7

Trap Game Record: 2-3

Frey's NFL Picks of the week: Week 5

2 weeks of mediocrity in a row!

Labor unions everywhere are clamoring to make me the new steward.

Lets roll with some picks.

Buffalo Bills (-2) @ Tennessee Titans

Picking the Bills is a lot like being in a crappy relationship.  Usually, it sucks.  But every so often, everything clocks and you find yourself thinking “I got this.  This is pretty sweet.”

The problem is that 85% of the time you are an idiot.

God help me.  I’m taking Buffalo again this week against the rookie QB.

Seattle Seahawks @ Cincinnati Bengals (-1 ½)

Every so often, we are afforded the opportunity to witness seminal events carefully hidden in the intricate dance that is the NFL.

This game has the potential to be one of those events.

The Seahawks hit pay-dirt with some mid to late round picks at important positions and parlayed the cap savings into dominance.  But we all knew that they couldn’t pay these guys chump change forever and now the Cap-Reaper has arrived sewing dissention and dumping a big stinky bucket of fiscal reality upon the heads of team management.  They are trending down.

Conversely, the Bengals are a hyper-talented team that always seems to wilt under the glaring lights of expectations.  Led by a Quarterback with a record of folding when it matters, they seem to have finally figured out how to apply a self-Heimlich and win games against good teams.  They are trending up.

2 ships passing in the night.  Based on the eye-test and home field, I am taking the one that is painted in butt-ugly tiger stripes.

My God those are ugly uniforms....

New England (-7 ½) @ Dallas Cowboys

Never, and I mean NEVER, bet against the Patriots when they are coming of a bye and have an extra week to figure out ways to cheat.

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Chargers (-3)

And so again we arrive at Admiral Akbar’s Trap Game of the Week.

The Steelers are on the road and playing with a 35-year old backup QB who makes dumb decisions.

Pittsburgh hasn’t played any meaningful defense for 2 years and even got torched by Colin Kaepernick who averages like 34 yards and 2 picks a week against everyone else.

Phyllis Rivers may be a wang but he’s playing pretty solid ball.

I hate picking this guy to win.  I hate it.

Seems too easy right?  Right?

Week 4 Record:  2-2

Season Record: 11-5

Trap Game Record: 2-2

Frey's NFL Picks of the Week: Week 4

Alas.  The dreaded 2-2 week has made its first visit to this page.

Yet again, a trap game lured me in with its siren song, crashing my ship of prognostication against the rocky shoals of dishonor.

Let’s be frank.  I can’t stop falling for these traps but it’s not my fault.

You see, the problem is one of evolution. 

All living things (aside from my 4-year old) possess finite amounts of energy.  In the struggle to survive in a harsh and competitive world, the species that refuses low hanging fruit in favor of dangerous and taxing endeavors is cast into the ash-heap of evolutionary history.

Ergo, by constantly lunging for the “low hanging fruit” proffered by Vegas in the guise of easy picks, I am simply proving my genetic superiority.

I'm the guy on the right.

Let’s pick:

Houston Texans @ Atlanta Falcons (-4 ½)

Initially, I was tempted to label this as my Admiral Akbar’s Trap Game of the Week.  However, having taken some time to think deeper on the matter, I believe that the pass-rushing tandem of J.J. Watt and Jadavon Clowney is creating enough doubt as to keep the line down.

Houston did indeed have a fine defensive showing last week and if they hadn’t been facing the laughable Tampa Bay Buccaneers it might mean something.  It doesn’t.

Beating these guys hardly even qualifies as a win.

Take the Falcons to cover here.

New York Giants @ Buffalo Bills (-5)

This week I make my return to the delightful buffet that is the Buffalo Bills.

Rex Ryan has bravely taken over the mantle as the modern Marty Schottenheimer who likes feet and smack-talk instead of grandfatherly statements and countenance.  

He’ll take a team with some talent over from a sub-par coach, make them feel good about themselves for the first time in years, beat up on lesser teams, and then get his ass handed to him by legitimate opposition.

Fortunately, the Bills will not find any legitimate opposition on this week’s docket.

Vaya Con Buffalo.

St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (-6)

Carson Palmer is STILL not hurt?

What the &%$# is going on here?!

Cardinals fans have welcomed the appearance of 4 dark horsemen in the Arizona skies, believing them to be a good omen.

Bet the Cards again I guess.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Cincinnati Bengals (-3)

Which, invariably leads us to the Admiral Akbar Trap Game of the Week.

Cincinnati’s passing attack is carving up defenses like Vladimir Putin carves up neighboring countries.

The Chiefs have a dog-crap secondary that is now playing without one of its starting corners.

The Bengals are formidable at home while KC has a proud history of getting wrecked away from the friendly confines of Arrowhead Stadium.

So unlike the old adage about the “Unstoppable Force vs. the Immovable Object” we have then “Unstoppable Force vs. the Suckiest Bunch of Sucks that ever Sucked.”

Can anyone tell me why the Bengals are only 3-point favorites?  I can:

Week 3 Record:  2-2

Season Record: 9-3

Trap Game Record: 1-2