Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 5

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 5

And just like that, “The Geek shall inherit the earth”.

Yep.  The dwindling and defeated tribe of pompous and frail brainiacs filled the inside straight and ended up with a numbers advantage on their tribe subsequent to the re-shuffle.

Under normal circumstances, I would have dismissed this as nothing more than a temporary reprieve given that they were still likely to go into the merge outnumbered by 1 or both tribes but a nuber of developments may give these clowns some serious staying power:

1)      That improvident lack-wit Tony banded together with the pilates instructor who looks like a mummy that nobody likes and helped to decimate his own tribe, fracturing trust and destroying a nearly insurmountable numbers advantage when the merge arrives.

2)      The 2 girls from the “beauty” tribe each launched an unprovoked campaign of petty rumor mongering and pointless cattiness against each other instead of uniting and pointing out how important it is to wipe the uber-physical cop lady out.

In short, the remains of the other tribes have begun falling upon each other, needing no encouragement whatsoever, while the brainy losers just stare at each other incredulously and watch these feebleminded louts destroy each other.

Let’s break the new tribes down eh?

Appari Tribe:

--Sarah, Spencer, Morgan, Kass, Tasha, Jeremiah, and Alexis

The Good—

--Spencer the chess master may finally get a chance to play him some Survivor now that he and his tribe mates are no longer shackled to a corpse (J’Tia).

--Sarah is in a great position as the swing vote.  It was actually a benefit that she is the only one of the Brawn on that tribe as it makes her far less threatening.  Whichever group she sides with goes to the merge with at least 3 people.  Sadly for males between the ages of 13 and 65, she’ll probably want to vote out Morgan and/or Alexis.

--If Kass, Tasha, and Spencer can actually set aside the past and stick together, they are going to control the game going forward.  None of them are physically threatening in any way and the early ass-kicking look to have put these guys in their place when it comes to pomposity.

The Bad—

--This was a very rough episode for Morgan.  Everyone now knows that she got the idol clue, they know she turned down a chance to feed her tribe, and they know she came up with a pretty plausible lie to cover her tracks. 

So after 1 day with her new tribe, everyone knows she is a selfish player and an accomplished bull-shitter who probably has the idol.  Not a good place to be even for a cheerleader….

--Watching Alexis and Morgan expose all the cracks in their tribe by needlessly trashing each other.  Girls!  You are tied 3-3 in numbers with the Brainy people!  You should be presenting a united front and cultivating Sarah!  Instead, they snipe at each other like 2 sorority sisters fighting over some dimwitted frat-boy who has family money. 

Solana Tribe:

Woo, Cliff, Trish, Jefra, LJ, Lindsey, and Tony

The Good—

--Trish was able to harness Tony’s innate fear of brown people and got him to vote off Cliff even though he was loyal, reasonable, skilled in challenges, and virtually guaranteed a Brawn final 6.  Trish knows she sucks and just pulled off a minor coup here.

--Even without Cliff, this team still looks much better on paper and should be able to run off a few wins before the merge.

--Not only did LJ withstand almost certain defeat for no other reason than he is a chowder-head, but he still has an idol in his pocket.  I have always claimed new Englanders are nothing more than a bunch of provincial bumpkins with superiority complexes and stupid accents and this latest development confirms it.

The Bad—

--Tony is an idiot.  It's one thing to do something dumb because you don't know any better but it is yet another thing to do something dumb when you know it's stupid and even tell the cameras as much. 

--Even though they still have a sizable chunk of the numbers, the brawn tribe is no more.  Tony and Trish have painted themselves into a corner.  In order to survive to the merge, they need to now start wiping out their ex-allies.  I don't like their chances when they run into a rejuvenates brains tribe with some of the pretty people on their side.

 

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 4

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 3

When the 3^rd vote of 5 was read by Jeff Probst and savvy viewers across the world exhaled a collective sigh of relief that the Brains tribe had finally cut off their gangrenous toe (J’Tia), the part of me that revels in watching the undeserving get purged also rejoiced.

On the other hand, the Machiavellian strategist in me recoiled at this brazen violation of the Miyagi rule:

“Walk on road, hmm?  Walk right side, safe.  Walk left side, safe.  Walk middle, sooner or later <makes squishing gesture> get a squish just like grape.”

 

The shifty lawyer (Kass) and high strung accountant (Tasha) made the conscious decision to neuter their tribe’s viability by engaging in self-immolation (purging stronger competitors) under the premise that colossal dunderpate  J’Tia would be loyal when the inevitable re-shuffling occurred.

They suffered defeat and shame, finally lead their strategic horse to water, and then bludgeoned it to death rather than allow it to drink.

Enjoy the enmity of the chess master ladies.  You guys were gonna suck anyway going forward, you may as well have had a loyal cog in place.

If this shuffle doesn’t end benignly for the remains of the Brians Tribe, Kass and Tasha are going to find themselves back in the losers hut feverishly trying to keep J’Tai from inadvertently burning the compound down or poisoning the water supply.

Going forward, I think everyone will enjoy the righteous (albeit pompous) invective of Spencer over the confused and frenzied behavior of J’Tia which, by comparison, makes the ravings of a drunken llama seem like sage and serene wisdom.

Alas, My Muse hath departed into a chaotic haze of botched puzzles and the smoke of burning rice.

Fortunately for my pen, new developments beg for attention, which is no small favor considering that the long expected tribal shuffle looks to be imminent.

Tribe Brawn:

The Good—

--These guys are so good at challenges that they can try their damnedest to lose and still kick the brainy tribe’s butt.

--Woo seeing which way the wind is blowing and placating Sarah.  He knows it’s dumb to lose a challenge on purpose but is aware that he might be in the minority when the cops start bullying people.

The Spy Shack is sure to come into play soon...

 

--The tribal re-shuffle could not have come at a better time for Cliff.  If the cops get split he may have a chance to make the merge.

--By a slim margin, Brawn has the greatest numbers going into the shuffle (6  to 5 to 3).  If Sarah and Tony can get their heads out of their ass, the whole tribe could make it to the merge unscathed and ride to the final 6.

The Bad—

--I think Sarah and Tony are racially profiling Cliff.  Why else would you ever want to get rid of a guy who:

·         Works hard around camp.

·         Is likable and contributes in a positive way to team morale.

·         Has unique physical abilities that augment a team well in challenges.

·         Despite these things, can NEVER win in the end because (unless he hired Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s accountant) he’s a freaking multi-millionaire!

--It is way too early to be throwing challenges. 

Suppose, for a moment, that they had lost the challenge as intended, voted off Cliff, and the producers opted to scrap the shuffle idea for a week.  The next day, the Pilate’s instructor gets lost in the jungle, punched in the face by a Lemur, and has to leave the game.   The Brains tribe craps then craps the bed at the next immunity challenge and the merge or shuffle occurs.  Now Beauty outnumbers Brawn and they all get picked off one by one.  Idiots…..

--Sarah is quickly becoming my least favorite person on this show.  If I hear her talk about swearing on her “badge” one more time, I’m going to throw a ball bearing at my flat screen.  Can you imagine a scenario where 2 workers at an ice cream parlor meet in the forest and say, “Hey man, I got your back.  I swear it on my scooper and apron.”

This lady needs to use her brain and stop the religious zeal with which she worships the “Cult of the Cop.”  This “us vs. them” mentality shows why everyone likes firemen better.  I find myself feeling glad that Tony is manipulating her and that pisses me off since I hate rooting for buttholes.

-- Tony needs to take a page out of the Boston Rob/Cochran book and start calming down and focusing his ally instead of working her into a frenzy of suspicion.  Sarah is in danger of becoming a paranoid liability to him during mid-game.

Yeah, this'll get the cops to the end....

 

Team Brains:

The Good—

--The world’s most inept nuclear engineer has finally been sent packing.  The only downside is that she will undoubtedly return to her career in the nuclear science industry, putting the world at grave risk….

J'Tia's first day back at work

 

--The remaining tribe members can sleep in a camp with a functional shelter (one not designed by a nuclear engineer) and eat food that doesn’t have to be picked out of the dirt grain by grain.

--The tribal shuffle saves Spencer’s ass.  This guy has single-handedly dragged these maroons through challenges and is probably excited to start making them pay for their idiocy.

The Bad—

--They just lost a challenge to a team that was trying its damndest to lose on purpose.  My friends, this is what it must feel like to be a Bills fan. <Pick of Buffalo fan>

--When your fiercest physical competitor is a high school chess master, you are @#$%ed.

--The fact that this is not a merge, but a shuffle is potentially very bad news for Tasha and Kass.  Had this been a merge, they’d be harmless challenge fodder.  In a shuffle, they are challenge fodder who repeatedly voted to keep the most inept player in history on their old team.  Weak and selfish can be fatal traits pre-merge.

Team Beauty:

The Good—

--Dumping their weakest male player has allowed them to fine-tune their challenge strategy.

--Morgan did a pretty good job playing the spurned and confused young girl.  I get the feeling that it may have given some people reason to doubt the stability of the Young Colonel Sanders.

--The tribal shuffle is great news for Morgan on 2 fronts (depending, of course on how it breaks down):

·         She was definitely in the minority on her own tribe, many of whom suspected she may have found the idol.

·         Morgan found the rest of her tribe immune to her flirtations and Baywatch jogging techniques.  Now imagine the effectiveness of her wiles on a tribe with the Chessmaster.
 

The Bad—

--We all like to look at Jeffra.  However, is there really anything remotely compelling about yet another southern beauty queen who cries when it rains?  Surely there are some interesting hot chicks to be found in a country of 300 million people. 

Do you remember any of these contestants?  Me neither.

 

The way the editors are handling Jeffra tells us 1 of 2 things:

1.       She is so disinteresting that they opted to simply burn all of the footage of her speaking or not wearing skimpy clothing.

2.       She is going to go really far in this game and they don’t want us to get “Jeffra’d Out” prematurely.

--By splitting these guys up, we will no longer be allowed to release a collective sigh of happiness whenever the editors take us on a joyful foray into the lives of the pretty people.  Now we might have to see Kass in the same camera shot with the beauty queens and that just ruins everything.

Things should get interesting with the tribal shuffle coming up.  I can resume offering predictions once we see how everything falls out.

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 3

I know that people get excited whenever the first vote ends in a tie, but I just couldn’t get excited about watching some non-entity get wiped.  I think we all saw it coming:

1)      Despite his self-analysis likening himself to “a butterfly”, he’s not physically imposing.

2)      The rest of the tribe probably assumes he’s a crappy swimmer because he’s black and this game is, after all, on an island.

3)      He’s stupid enough to team up with some chick without an alliance.  Oh, and the rest of the tribe happens to suspect her of having an idol. 

Yeah.  Vaya Con Dios Mavis or Travis or whatever your name was.

Moving on, is it possible that J’Tia the nuclear engineer is the weakest Survivor contestant in history?

I heard it said that the nuclear engineers and technicians who designed and ran the Chernobyl plant in Ukraine have never felt shame until J’Tai’s performance on this show.

I think they would have had more water in the buckets to dump into their reservoir if Spencer had attempted to hurl it 80 feet to the shifty lawyer lady instead of using J’Tia as an intermediary.

I think the Poindexter tribe will sitting at a fire talking to Probst again soon.

Tribe Brawn:

The Good—

--These guys are challenge machines.  Every single member of that tribe (with the possible exception of the Pilates instructor who looks like a tall Yoda) appears to have something to offer regardless of the nature of the challenge at hand:

1)      Tony is pretty beefy and seems to enjoy schlepping stuff around the camp kind of like a pack mule.

2)      Cliff is very tall and they are sure to have one of those water/basketball challenges.  Maybe he can be the first one to dunk….

3)      Sarah is good at puzzles, works hard around camp, and keeps everyone on an even keel

4)      The burly hairdresser has a mean streak and will likely manhandle any female opponent (or Spencer) in any challenge involving mono y mono.

5)      Woo is Asian and kicks ass.

--If anyone has noticed the “Spy Shack” yet, they ain’t saying anything about it.

--While it is true that Tony has firmly ensconced himself as the “Tribe Richard”, he’s got and idol and an ally.  If these guys can stay together long enough, that idol may become useful to someone other than him after the merge.

--New Jersey must be one hell of a wonderful place if Tony believes that being stuck on a jungle beach during a rain squall is how he has always envisioned Hell.   I may need to rethink my geography….

The Bad—

--Has anyone on this tribe actually watched the show before aside from Tony?  Either the editors are doing these guys a disservice by making them look like rubes when it comes to the strategic game or the Brawn tribe is ridiculously complacent.  If it is the latter, these guys are screwed when the merge or shuffle comes.

--I may have erred when I pegged Sarah as “hyper-observant” last week.  I cannot believe that she can be so easily duped by a guy who started the game off by lying to her face for the first 4 days.  It would seem that a substantial gulf exists between the ethos of Jersey Cops and those from Butthole, Montana or wherever Sarah works.

--Tony is an idiot for weaving so many lies and sewing dissention so early and pointlessly.   He’s already got his cop ally, why go around trashing other people when there is no need?  It’s not like Sarah is going to vote him out regardless of how vociferously he racially profiles and targets poor Cliff.  Just more lies to remember….

Tony finds these guys very threatening.  perhaps even "uppity".

The cops need to tone down their buddy-buddy relationship a bit.  Having an alliance is good, but having an exclusive alliance that is outnumbered by the rest of the tribe is kind of Eddie-Reynoldish….

Predictions—

--Tony strikes me as the type of guy who will begin to operate with the pomposity of some random nobody who finds himself in a position of minor power.  He’s got an ally and an idol.  I think he’s going to start being a butthole to people sooner or later.

Team Brains:

The Good—

--The Poindexter tribe made their first intelligent move of the season by recognizing J’Tia’s ineptitude, placing her in the least important places for the challenge.  They even had the wherewithal to look nervous when she came within 15 feet of the people doing the puzzle, rightly fearing that her dipshittery would somehow rub off on everyone else

--Kass did not feel compelled to switch her alliance yet again having recognized that she has nearly exhausted all of the available remaining combinations.

--Spencer acquitted himself most admirable in the challenge both physically and with the puzzle.  If some deity intervenes and they can win another challenge somehow, the girls may think twice about keeping the lazy, bossy, rice-dumping, weakling.

--Kass’ game.  By voting out David and Garrett, she has virtually assured herself of at least the 2^nd position in her tribe.  If the weakened tribe loses, they can wipe out Spencer.  When the now absurdly inept team loses again, they can dump the lady who freaked out and destroyed their food.  It that point, the producers will feel compelled to perform a “tribal shuffle” (Invoking the Steph rule) and she can hop into another tribe as a non-threat, gaining a new lease on life.

Kass' Game plan.  Not flashy but it might just be the only one that gives her a shot.

The Bad—

--By winning the challenge, Kass takes a risk that Spencer can survive long enough to tell people from the other tribes that she is a trial attorney and hence, completely devoid of soul and unworthy of trust.

--Tasha’s ham-handed bullying of Spencer at camp.  Telling someone to do what you want since they are the next out totally dooms any potential for future cooperation.  It’s a good thing this tribe sucks so bad or Tasha might have created herself an unnecessary enemy later on.

--I think they have like 4 grains of rice left.  It’s a good thing Garrett the starving poker guy is gone or he would have eaten the tarp by now.

Predictions—

--J’Tia is going to admonish Jeff Probst during one of the next challenges, insisting that it is pronounced “Nu-cue-ler”.

--I know it looks totally beyond the realm of possibility right now, but I can’t shake the feeling that Spencer is going to find a way to get control of the tribe.

Team Beauty:

The Good—

--These guys are even more fun to look at now that Chase or Archie or whatever his name is has been purged.

--They seem to have removed the only disruptive force around their camp and should continue to be a pretty cohesive unit going forward

--J.L. going out and finding the idol.  It is nice to see someone using their brain on this tribe for something other than streamlining a bikini wax or improving the efficiency of a good chest-shaving.

The Bad—

--Jeremiah (the young Colonel Sanders) allying himself with everyone on the tribe.   You gotta figure out where the power is and get in on the ground floor son.  Now you have at least 2 people on your tribe all pissed off at you and if the tribe makes it to the merge at close to full strength this will hurt your mid-game.



Just close your eyes and listen to the voice.  You'll be craving chicken and making alliances with everybody in no time

 --Morgan not finding the idol.  I know that cheerleaders are usually quite astute so I’m at a loss to explain what happened here.  It could be editing again, but did she ever go out and check again or even notice that someone else wants a million bucks enough to head back and find it without a clue?  C’mon Morgan!  10 million American males need you to step it up here!

Oh my God!  I wonder if that idol is still there somewhere.  Oh look!  A sea shell!

--What the hell happened at that challenge?  Not only did you get manhandled by 2 guys named “Woo” and “Cliff” but then allowed a team that was thoroughly defeated and disheartened come back and pink you at the wheel.  J.L. and the young Colonel Sanders can’t let something like that happen again.

Predictions—

--This tribe is ripe for an “all-Girl” alliance to emerge.  Younger women love having a BFF or two, and I can see these chicks grooming each other on the beach in some sort of pageant-esque bonding ritual.

--If an all-girl threesome doesn’t form up, it will almost certainly be replaced by an unholy confederacy of Southern folk.  You ever notice how people south of the Mason-Dixon Line always end up congregating together?  Jefra and the Young Colonel Sanders are a natural match.

Survivor 28: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty: Week 2

Last week, I wrote a detailed tribal breakdown utilizing “judging a book by its coverology”.

It will come as no shock to those of you who are NOT naïve idealists that my formula of stereotype and preconception  damn near pegged every facet of a two hour episode.

As expected and predicted:

1)      The Brawn tribe reinforced the sterotype of being “Team Players” as Trish was the only one of the 3 early exiles to choose more rice for her team instead of selfishly getting the idol clue.

2)      The Brainy tribe out-thought themselves at every opportunity whether in strategy or in puzzles.

3)      The very first act of the beauty tribe (L.J.) was to exile someone based solely upon the fact that they were better looking.  “I don’t trust hot”.

L.J. trusts this guy but not Morgan

4)      Everyone on the brainy tribe thinks they are unfillable intellectual giants and promptly turned upon each other, melted down when their intellect failed, and eventually voted off the only person on the tribe who could defeat a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

Tribe Brawn:

The Good—

They are obviously going to excel in challenges that involve any amount of brute force.

That cop lady Sarah gives them a clear intellectual presence for puzzles.  She seems pretty funny and the fact that she speaks out of the left corner of her mouth should not begin to weigh on people until the merge whereupon people from the beauty tribe are going to become angry about it.

I don’t care if it works or not, the “Spy Shack” cracks me up.

"pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...."

They have not yet been on the island long enough to begin starving.

He’s kind of a dick, but Tony seems to be the only guy on the Brawn tribe who is playing the game right now.

The Bad—

There seems to be some dissention around camp involving that old chick Trish and Lindsey the burly hairdresser.  Those types of spats have a way of sapping morale and it needs to be quashed soon.  The oldest woman on the island really needs to tone it down when sniping at a much younger girl with more friends on the tribe.

Why is that Tony guy who looks like Mr. Clean lying about being a cop?  I mean, who cares?  It’s not like he is employed as the Grand Wizard of the Biloxi branch of the KKK or that he’s 3^rd in line to the throne of Luxembourg.  Lying without purpose is even dumber in Survivor than it is in real life.  He should have come clean the moment Sarah pegged him as a cop.  Now she knows he’s a cop but that he is also a lying bastard.

Predictions—

Having gone 3 days without eating an entire ox, Tony is going to break down and start telling everyone he will trade the idol for a side of beef.  He will then threaten to arrest anyone who doesn’t comply and then deny being a cop.

Woo will, at some point, break a coconut in half with a karate chop.

They will realize that Cliff is tall enough to simply walk through swimming challenges.

Team Brains:

The Good—

Well….Tasha and Spencer may, in fact, be normal human beings.

The Bad—

Kass has reconfirmed in many people’s estimations that attorneys are, indeed, shifty buttholes.  I cannot remember having seen someone change teams 3 times in 1 episode.  She’s like the Italians every time a war starts, and like Italy, I suspect that nobody who wants to win actually wants her on their team.

David’s  imperious attitude around camp.  He was so supremely confident in his own greatness that he afforded himself the luxury of worrying about day 26 instead of Day 1.  David felt that he could make these people fall into line like the underlings he undoubtedly abuses at work on a daily basis.  I got news for you Dave, these guys are not your employees.  As President of the Marlins organization, I no longer wonder why they suck so bad.  I love it when Delta Bravos like this guy get wiped….

More people were rooting for Voldemort in Harry Potter than for this guy

Garrett the poker guy played an abysmal game.  He quickly found the idol, acquitted himself with great honor in the challenges, eliminated his nemesis in the first vote, and then crapped the bed on everything else possible.  If you are such a jack-ass that you get voted out with an idol in your possession before the bossy nincompoop who took 34 minutes to complete 17% of an 8^th grade puzzle and then dumped all of your food on the fire, you are quite possibly the worst Survivor player in history.

I don’t wish to beat up on this guy so severely, but he was acting like he was dying of malnourishment on day 2.  Jesus man!  How many calories do you absorb playing poker?   I suspect that Kass and Tasha snuffed his torch out of fear that he would kill and consume them on day 3. 

Photo of this lady was taken just after being stuck in an Elevator with Garrett for 40 minutes

Ahhh J’Tia…..I really can’t add anything here to make you look any dumber than you already do.  As Spencer said, “the fact that you are a nuclear engineer is legitimately scary.” 

Photo of J'Tia at her Nuclear Engineering gig

Predictions—

Tasha will continue to lament the fact that she cozied up to a crazy woman for what appears to be no other reason than they share skin pigmentation.  I think she and Spencer are smart enough to know that they need to form a bond immediately.

J’Tia is going to poison their water, crap in the shelter on purpose, continue to do nothing around camp, and lose a challenge called “figure out the schematics of this nuclear reactor” to Lindsey the burly hairdresser and Kass will still agitate to have someone else voted out.

If the next challenge isn’t figuring out Cliff Robinson’s taxes or beating Mr. Clean at chess, I cannot see how these guys can win unless every member of the other tribes come down with Dysentery.

Team Beauty:

The Good—

They are kicking ass in challenges.   As long as those chuckleheads from the Brainy tribe have a member or two left to abuse in challenges these guys are pretty safe.

Morgan the cheerleader’s quick and convincing lie stating that she chose tools and food over comfort to hide the fact that she grabbed an idol clue was a game changer.  With Garrett the starving poker player gone, only Trish remains spill the beans about what the choice really was about.  I doubt Trish will make it to the merge the way she is going.

These guys are all pretty fun to look at.

The Bad—

Brice the social worker looks to be scheming a bit more than necessary.  I am also not sure that allying oneself with the best looking person on a tribe of vain beauties is the ticket to the promised land.

L.J. needed to do a much better job cozying up to the person who he tried to vote out 5 minutes into the game.  He seemed almost standoffish instead of contrite.  It may be an editing issue but being a Richard to people you wrong just makes you a target in this game.

Predictions—

There is a diva among this group who will out themselves publically.  I’m not sure who it is yet, but it will happen.

These guys will attempt to trade their rice to the starving brains tribe for instructions on how to make mirrors from melted sand.  They have to start preening soon or all hell is going to break lose.