The Gridiron Nostradamus

It's Autumn and the smell of violence is in the air!

The NFL season is upon us and as a lover of games great and small, Sundays full of football and ale are always a welcome addition to my weekend.  I mean what's better than stumbling home smelling like the Mos Eisley Cantina to face the disapproving glares of your spouse and the skeptical glances of a 4 year old?  What I ask!?


As one of like 46 people currently living in the State who was actually born in Colorado, The Broncos are my team and I'll have words with anyone who doesn't think John Elway was the greatest QB to ever take has game to the gridiron. I suffered through the torments of 4 straight Superbowl arse kickings and recoiled with horror as Homer Simpson himself poked fun at my beloved Donkeys.

That having been said, I am a realist. I owe it to both my readers and myself to kick the fan to the curb and bring out the logician. So without further adieu, here is a game by game breakdown of the 2010 Denver Broncos season. Enjoy the predictions. Be warned, however, in this blog I write about football and as such, I may use some colorful language along the way. I'm no longshoreman by any means, but if you are offended by words that might give you pause when speaking with your grandmother over Sunday breakfast, then you might consider watching soccer instead of continuing with this read.

@Jacksonville--In front of like 470 fans (60% of whom will be wearing Tebow jerseys) this is damn near a home game for the Broncos. I don't know what some local sportswriters are smoking but if the Jags are wild card contenders then Frodo Baggins is a Japanese aviator. If Josh McDictator is good at one thing, it is preparation (it certainly isn't drafting, half-time adjustments, or employee retention rates). Orton has a solid start even without our first round draft pick with the chronically bad foot. We don't realize that we suck yet and play like winners. W--DEN--24 JAX--20.

Seattle--Much like last year, we meet a dogcrap team following an inspiring, if unimpressive, road win. Much like last year, we beat up on a bunch of nincompoops and gain a false sense of our own quality. W--DEN--31 SEA--13.

Indianapolis--People point out that we play Indy tough at home. What they should say is that we play Indy tough at home in late December when they don't give a damn anymore because they are 12-1. Leaves are not the only thing that fall in autumn. L--IND--38 DEN--13

@Tennessee—People are drunk if they think that our best running back (even after one of those million-dollar-man surgeries) is anywhere near Chris Johnson. Road game. Physical opponent with angry running game. Tired D-line from last weeks ass-kicking. L--TEN--28 DEN--23

@ Baltimore--While I'm not quite sold on the Ravens as an unstoppable juggernaut (their defense is old) they have an improved offense and a tall QB. I mean this guy is almost as tall as The Djinn. I think we move the ball OK but can't stop Ray Rice. Ravens control the line of scrimmage and the game. L--BAL--31 DEN--20

NY Jets--Am I the only one who remembers that the Jets were 9-7 last year and only made the playoffs because the cowards in Indy refused to chase perfection? Sanchez is mediocre at best and their line is a bit older. Don't get me wrong, the Jets are still better on paper than us but this game is at home and McDaniels loves beating teams from the right coast areas where people have ridiculous accents. Maybe that defective receiver with the bum foot plays in this game. We can’t draft worth crap. Flashback to 1908: With the 21st pick of the draft, The Denver Broncos select....The horse and buggy with a broken wheel. With the 22nd pick, Henry Ford selects the automobile. Anyway, I hate the friggin Jets. W--DEN--20 NYJ--17.

Oakland--As much as it pains me to say this, the Raiders will be much improved this year. However, they will not figure it out until week 11 because they are the dipshit Raiders. W--DEN--24 OAK--16

@San Francisco--Not really at the 49ers but London is also windy, rainy, dreary, and damp. Might as well be a home game for Singletary and his band. The Limeys are treated to a pretty entertaining game but in conditions only a royal Fusilier from Her Majesty's Venerable Coldstream Guards could enjoy, the ground game is the key. Know-gain Moreno is not going to feed the bulldog here. L--SF--21 DEN--20

Kansas City--If we have even an ounce of self respect, then we must come out and play like demons after last season's debacle. They may be improved, they may be division rivals, but they are still the ***damn Chefs. If our D isn't completely worn down by every player being like 100 years old, then we can take this one with relative ease. W--DEN--30 KC--14

@ San Diego--This is the exact opposite of the previous game. Simply substitute the following: "We" with "San Diego"; "They" with "We"; and "Chefs" with "Broncos". L--SD--34 DEN--10.

St Louis--Just what the doctor ordered. A home game against a bunch chuckleheads. We can play like garbage and still thump these chronic bed crappers. W--DEN--27 STL--9.

@Kansas City--I could say something about weather conditions or December records here. But I wont. Chiefs are just better than us at home this year. Mr. Gimpy foot will be making his second appearance for the Broncos at WR and catch a TD in this one. It's not enough. L--KC--27 DEN--21.

@Arizona--Not sure why, but we always seem to win here. Every year since I was a lad we always leave Arizona with a W. In the past, it was usually because they sucked. Due to the departures of their Hall of fame QB, #2 receiver, and some costly losses to the Defense, we have a hot tub time machine moment. We are going to Arizona to play football and the Cards suck again. W--Den--28 AZ--14

@ Oakland--I'm guessing that 40% of our defense is going to be on the shelf with injuries by this point in the year. 3rd straight game on the road and the Raiders have finally discovered that they are not the 5-11 team from the past 6 years. They are a 7-9 team playing a home game against a hated rival who hasn't seen a friendly skyline for 3 weeks. That, and a depleted and tired defense, should be just enough. L--OAK--26 DEN--23

Houston--There are few things more certain in the NFL over the last few years than this: Houston is always dangerous at the end of the year. Always. If there is anything more certain over the same time period it is this: The Broncos always suck at the end of the year. Always. The law firm of Schaub et al saunters in here and beats us like circus monkeys. L--HOU--31 DEN--17.

San Diego--Here is where I would like to say something stirring. Perhaps we can steal a hard fought game from our hated foes. Our old guys reach deep down inside for one last barbaric yawp and our youngsters find reserves of strength they never knew they had. Fiddlesticks. The Chargers have already clinched the division and don't give a rip if they win or not. With Rivers on the bench sipping a Petit Syrah, Denver blunders into a hollow victory. Apologists will point to our robust 3-3 finish as a beacon of hope. It is a false one given the baboon who runs our draft board. W--DEN--21 SD--10.

CONCLUSION: Denver goes 8-8......wait a sec? 8-8? How the hell did that happen? I must have missed something somewhere. That meaningless final victory threw a monkey wrench into the whole works. I swear that I had us 6-10 somehow......

Stay Thirsty My Friends

The Fryguy