And just like that, we are on again my friends!
I am unsure how they can possibly top the mayhem of last
season, but the fact that the new cast consists solely of new players assures
us of a reasonable level of unpredictability.
As with every new season, I begin by digging out every
conceivable stereotype in my arsenal since I haven't the foggiest idea what these people
are about or how they will play the game.
Let’s go through the poor dumb bastards who will soon be choking
down baboon toenails or rat butts for our amusement shall we?
Dale Wentworth (55) –
Farmer from some Podunk town in Washington State (Kelley’s Dad)
What he has going for him:
Hard Working and Handy.
Other players may assume he is some sort of provincial bumpkin, but the fact
that he is from a lefty state like Washington may mitigate this. I suspect he might be pretty good at building and fixing crap.
What he has going against him:
Dale would be considered a cherished elder in many cultures
and unless he is a farmer for the US Navy, I doubt he’s going to go all Michael
Phelps on us in water challenges. He also spelled his own
daughter’s name wrong so he might be a little slow of wit.
Kelley Wentworth (28)
– Marketing Manager from Seattle (Dale’s Daughter)
What she has going for her:
As a marketing professional, she is probably pretty skilled in
wordsmithery. Coming from a major
metropolitan area adds a cosmopolitan aspect to her game that should enable her
to relate to, or at least bend in with, people of various backgrounds.
What she has going against her:
Kelley spells her name foolishly and is 28 and unmarried. Like many in her field, she likely speaks in a
variety of business euphemisms and buzz words, which immediately makes her
untrustworthy and unlikable. Indications
are that she’s a shrew who is going to nag people until they toss her out.
Drew Christy (25)
Travelling sales guy with a job in the family business (Alec’s Brother)
What he has going for him:
Drew is obviously athletic and a career in sales means he is
likely comfortable schmoozing and bullshitting people.
What he has going against him:
Most salespeople are shifty. He thinks that “Fabio” from a couple seasons
back was a smart guy and this bodes ill for both his alliance selection skills
and his ability to think critically.
Drew also purports to like partying and “booze
cruising”. Remember that fireman named
Eddie with the IQ of a golf bag who spent the entire time on the island
pitching woo and talking about how the world is and should be divided between
pretty people and those who are less fortunate looking? Methinks we may have Eddie 2.0 on our hands
here….
Alec Christy (22)
Student at FGC University (Drew’s Brother)
What he has going for him:
Alec is a surfer so will almost certainly excel at water
challenges. College student/surf bums
are usually pretty mellow and he doesn't look like a big “Zoolander” like his
brother so he'll probably give off a better impression.
What he has going against him:
While I hear that they give out a free steak if you enroll
in classes, FGCU is not widely known a hotbed of intellectualism. People who are named “Alec” instead of “Alex”
are usually buttholes.
Jeremy Collins (36)
Firefighter from Foxboro, Massachusetts (Val’s Husband)
What he has going for him:
Initially, at least, everyone likes firemen. Jeremy seems likable, mellow, and humble and
is clearly on the athletic side. Being
from Foxboro, he is possibly a Patriots fan so knows all about being a cheater.
What he has going against him:
Jeremy doesn't have an ounce of fat on him for buoyancy and
is black. There is an 80% chance he
drowns on the first episode.
Val Collins (35)
Police Officer from Foxboro, Massachusetts (Jeremy’s Wife)
What she has going for her:
Police Officers have had a pretty good run of late on this
show. Likely, she has practice exerting her
will upon other human beings. You know,
like when shaking down store owners for protection money and stuff. She does, however, seem pretty cool compared
to the Tony’s and Sarah’s they usually throw at us.
What she has going against her:
Val’s bio claims that her pet peeve is “liars”. Coming on this show with such a pet peeve is like
being deathly afraid of aquatic mammals and applying to be a trainer of
starving orcas.
Accustomed to having power, cops aren't typically very mellow
when they don't get their way and start having temper tantrums.
John Rocker (39)
Former MLB player from Atlanta, Georgia (Julie’s Sugar Daddy)
What he has going for him:
In order to become among the best in the world at something,
you have to be focused and driven. He’s
already rich so he doesn't have the “scared money never wins” problems that
plague those contestants who will need to eat out of dumpsters when they get
back to The States.
What he has going for him:
John Rocker is a dick.
People don't like giving the million dollars to people who are already
wealthy.
They abhor giving money to
someone who is already wealthy and is also a dick.
Julie McGee (34)
Owner of a Spray Tan business from Atlanta, Georgia (John’s Gold Digger)
What she has going for her:
Every Pet peeve she lists in her Bio seems to describe her
boyfriend, John Rocker. As someone who
clearly enjoys emotional suffering, she should hold up well when things get
tough.
What she has going against her:
She believes herself to be “the most observant person”. An unusual quote as she does not provide a
comparison. Most observant in her office? Of all spray tan professionals? In the Universe?
I have a hard time believing that “trips to vineyards“, “cooking”
and “working out” have served to turn this woman into a very tan Sherlock
Holmes. Confidence is helpful but
delusion is fatal.
Josh Canfield (32)
Singer/Actor/Writer from NYC (Reed’s Boyfriend)
What he has going for him:
He should have an intuitive and sound strategic mind as a
fan of “Settlers of Catan”. Players are
sometimes reluctant to vote out gay contestants right out of the gate in fear
of looking like homophobes and often underestimate gay men from a physical
standpoint.
What he has going against him:
Josh speaks about how life without music is depressing and
that he would love to bring his piano and bible. I've got news for you brother. The only music you are going to be hearing is
the angry voice of that bigot John Rocker yelling at you all day.
If you need exterior sources to keep you sane
in your studio apartment in the city, life on an island with 18 strangers and a
single bag of rice is going to kill you.
Reed Kelly (31)
Broadway Performer/Model/Aerialist from NYC (Josh’s Boyfriend)
What he has going for him:
I suspect that being a gay Broadway performer and Model from
New York City who loves some of that “Old Time Religion” will confound some of
the southerners and buy him the time he needs to lay his plans.
What he has going against him:
His pet peeves paint a somewhat diva-esque picture of this guy. Reed doesn't like people who walk slowly on
the sidewalk, slow baristas, and lazy individuals.
Everyone gets lazy after eating nothing but mouse
feces in the sweltering jungle for 40 days. Adjustment could be a problem here.
John Misch (26)
Financial Assistant from Waterford Michigan (Jaclyn’s Boyfriend)
What he has going for him:
As an ex-college football player, he is undoubtedly a
skilled and committed competitor. As
someone who enjoys researching wine, he is simply cool.
His acumen playing the piano will help him find common
ground with other artsy players.
What he has going against him:
Historically, accomplished athletes seem to have a pretty
low tolerance for those they perceive to be burdensome on the team. Without a couple cases of wine around to
mellow him out, he may start screaming at people like Sam Kinison.
His pet peeve is “people with too many pet peeves”. If he doesn’t like listening to people bitch
and moan then he’s on the wrong show.
Jaclyn Schultz (25) Media Buyer from Las Vegas (John’s
Girlfriend)
What she has going for her:
There is not a guy on the Island who
will want to vote out “Miss Michigan 2013” unless absolutely necessary. While not all beauty queens are natural
leaders, they are very seldom socially awkward.
This lady will probably get along with
people.
What she has going against her:
When asked what previous contestant she is
most like, she answered “Jefra”.
Jefra?
You mean the lady who let everyone else play the game and refused repeated
opportunities to make smart moves to win the coin? Setting a pretty low bar there Jackie.
She also says that she wishes she could
bring her bible to “keep her mind occupied”.
I would think that negotiating a treacherous Machiavellian landscape of
greedy strangers and hidden enemies in a quest for a million dollars would keep
your mind occupied but, well, I guess I’m just a blasphemer….
Keith Nale (53) Fire Chief from
Shreveport, Louisiana (Wes’s Dad)
What he has going for him:
If the jungle
catches on fire he’ll be able to get shit done.
He can try the old “swear on your badge” trick with that other
firefighter guy Jeremy. He claims to be
a strong swimmer which is a definite bonus for a seasoned gentleman like Keith.
What he has going against him:
Anybody who
says that one of the 3 things they would bring to the island would be “my truck”
is kind of a yokel.
I don’t know
what impact it will have on the game, but I don’t think anyone not named “J.T.” has ever won survivor when
phrases like “this here’s muh dawg” and “I caught me these fish” represent 40%
of spoken words from week to week.
Wes Nale (23) Fireman from Shreveport,
Louisiana (The Deadbeat that Lives in Keith’s Basement)
What he has going for him:
For a dude
who lives in his parents’ basement he exudes self-confidence. According to Wes, he will dominate challenges,
woo the ladies, and schmooze the power brokers.
When another southerner says his name, it sounds like “West Nile” which
is pretty cool I guess if you like mosquito-borne diseases…..
What he has going against him:
Wes is
another candidate for early removal due to delusion. He is also a prolific user of smokeless
tobacco and addicts usually get themselves kicked out after the first week due
to the general assholery brought on by withdrawal.
Missy Payne (47) Owner of a
competitive cheerleading gym from Dallas (Baylor’s Bitter Mommy)
What she has going for her:
She is the
owner of a business and is likely accustomed to dealing with difficult people
or absorbing authority if it is thrust upon her. As a business owner, she almost certainly appreciates
the value of hard work.
What she has going against her:
Successful
business owners are accustomed to being obeyed.
We saw what an insufferable jackwagon skeletal Shari became when people
didn't tow the party line. Missy’s bio
suggests that she has tons of relationship baggage. She lists “infidelity” as one of her pet
peeves and will almost certainly have major trust issues with everyone.
On a side
note, am I misunderstanding what having a pet peeve actually entails? It seems that “Infidelity” is a little too serious
to be considered a “pet peeve” but perhaps I am mistaken. So in the spirit of transparency, the
following are among my pet peeves:
1)
Grand
theft
2)
Treason
3)
Murder
Baylor Wilson (20) Student at Belmont
University in Nashville, Tennessee (Missy’s Daughter)
What she has going for her:
Who doesn't
want a bubbly cheerleader around when starving, overheated, and exhausted? I mean, come on! That’s awesome!
She’s not
threatening enough to warrant an early exit so she may hang on a while.
What she has going against her:
To be honest,
I cannot come up with a single compelling reason to have the combination of
this girl and her mother on this show unless it is solely for the purpose of a
little eye candy or to see if her mom and can marry and divorce a 4th
time before filming wraps.
There is
simply no plausible scenario where Baylor wins Survivor.
None.
Natalie Anderson/Nadiya Anderson (28) Crossfit
coach from Edgewater, New Jersey (Same Chick)
What she has going for her:
Twins have eerie
powers. They will be able to switch
tribes at any moment and nobody would be any the wiser.
However, I
read their bios and am not entirely convinced that they are different
people. In fact, I am certain that it is
only through the power of special effects that we will believe we are actually seeing
two unique individuals.
What she has going against her:
Since this
is, in reality, only a single person acting like she is two people, the actress
playing Natalie/Nadiya will probably be exhausted from running back and forth
between camps and doing challenges simultaneously for two opposing teams.
I am sure we will also hear her yell the word
“twinnie” about 20 times an episode in an attempt to perpetuate the ruse. This will make the other people want to punch
her in the face.
I'll know more about these cats next week and do a breakdown by tribe. Vaya Con Dios comrades!
