This week I decided to change up the format a bit. The longevity rating system I came up with sucks. Therefore, I'm going to rank each player based upon their current circumstances, their actions, and their available options for advancing their game.
I’ll also include some thoughts on each player’s contribution to the events of the preceding week under their specific ranking.
In General, however, I was not entirely pleased with last week’s episode. I firmly believe that 70% of the show was focused solely upon the angry crazy guy (Shamar), the delusional crazy guy (Phillip) and the dangerously crazy guy (Brandon).
While I certainly do not wish to see people sitting around the campfire smiling on their brother, watching this much irrational baboonery is starting to make me feel like I’m back at my old job.
Madness is the prerogative of the editors it seems and at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Reynold and Shamar cuddle in the tent next episode now that Allie is gone. Shamar’s “not the cutest” either and we already saw how bendy he is on the beach. Hit that Reynold!
1) Malcolm
I see no reason to doubt his game unless it be because of his weakness in tossing bags and hoops when compared to Reynold the bag and hoop tossing guru.
Now a card carrying member of “Stealth R’ Us: Return of the Specialist” he’s comfortably in the majority, is a top contender in challenges, and brings a happy-go-lucky countenance to the tribe that will keep people from gunning for him.
Most importantly, I think his temperament will allow him to suffer through the Phillips and Brandons without losing his focus and getting drawn into a pissing match with those clowns.
Never argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Without question, Malcolm is currently in the Pole Position here.
2) Dawn
This jump to the top is more of a testament to the improved game that Cochran is playing and less of a “hats off” to Dawn. It no longer appears to be such an albatross around her neck and, for the moment, she seems to be in a position of power in the tribe.
Dawn is not currently on anyone’s radar (aside from Brandon whose assholery only raised her in the esteem of her tribemates) and she always comes back strong after one or two breakdowns in front of the camera.
Like Malcom, she is one of The Specialist’s merry men and is also savvy enough to laugh privately at the loud mouths who think they are running the game instead of engaging them in serious debate.
3) Corrine
Amazingly, she has not yet displayed the petty bitchiness and mean spirit that plagued her game last time out. In fact, I suspect that the producers of the show are gravely disappointed that she hasn’t gone “Mean Girl’s” on anyone yet.
She’s playing nice and appears to be both physically and mentally ready for this game.
If she can keep from melting down on Phillip and Brandon should their craziness become too much for her sensibilities, Corrine will go far.
4) Laura
The Highest rated of the fans. Laura is young enough and mellow enough to appeal to members of both tribes. She is solid, if not spectacular, in challenges and appears to have sound strategic thinking.
Unlike the arithmetically challenged Fireman Eddie, she not only eschewed membership in the Minority Alliance of Dipshits, but routinely made mention of the exclusive club of beautiful people, reminding her more disagreeable looking tribe-mates of their chance to avenge themselves upon the type of people who undoubtedly tormented them during their teen years.
Reynold better break out some cuddles soon as Laura may just be queen of the beach and was, incidentally, the only man or woman to notice the bulge in his pants before tribal council.
5) Andrea
She appears to have weathered the early storm and since Hantz seems to find a different arch-nemesis with each passing moment, Andrea is not constantly front and center.
Eventually, the fact that she was the notorious R.O.B’s protégé will come out and will almost certainly plague her when it comes to being either trusted or viewed as a rube, placing her behind Dawn and Corinne in the rankings.
She’s still really boring to me but I did like her “raising the roof” when the Specialist named her something ridiculous by the fire.
6) Brenda
Thus far, the editors have shown us next to nothing about Brenda.
Since we know she is a smart and interesting player from her last season, I suspect it is because she goes far in this game and they don’t want to oversaturate us with Brenda from the get-go.
Brenda is not a member of Crazy Phillip’s happy band of castaways but I am pretty sure that being a member of this esteemed club is something of an embarrassment, like when people find out that you dated Michael Moore or something.
She’s outstanding in water challenges and is laying so low that I forget she’s on the show every week. That’s not a bad deal.
7) Cochran
I think that Cochran, above all the other players, has gained the most from his previous experience on the show.
This is the type of game Cochran should have played last time out but was too paranoid to pull off. He is perceptive, aware of his foibles, and gives off a nerdy self-confidence and sense of stability.
Only the fact that he is a huge candy-ass keeps him from the top 5. If the favorites go on a winning streak and he makes it to the merge he can become a serious top 5 threat.
8) Michael
You can’t play the swing-vote card forever and now that the numbers have shifted around, I suspect that Michael is smart enough to cast his lot firmly with the majority.
We saw signs last episode that he tired of equivocating and I think most members of the “Uncool 6” would look to an even-keeled, hard-working Michael for guidance and leadership.
Brotherhood of the Dome my man! Make a move so balding guys everywhere can take a little bit more of the covers!
9) Julia
Maybe with one of the 3 blondes gone I will remember this girl for something other than the fact that she has brown hair.
While her invisibility may be a result of the tribal drama that is eating up air time, I always thought that Stanford-educated racecar drivers wouldn’t be so mind-numbingly dull.
Still, if I don’t know she’s there, and the editors don’t know she’s there, then maybe nobody on the tribe knows she’s there either. Tough to vote off someone who you forgot is on your tribe right?
10) Matt
If he hadn’t stood up to the loud-mouth drill-sergeant in the first episode I would swear that he found a grow house nestled in the jungle somewhere.
He is in a pretty good spot by buddying up with Michael but I think his reluctance to commit to a course of action is starting to weigh on his waxy-domed comrade.
At this point in the game, any further equivocation and Matt will start to develop a reputation as being fickle. Fickle players are at the bottom of alliances and are, next to insufferable crazy people and loud-mouths, the best pre-merge targets.
11) Sherri
Sherri has 2 things working against her right now:
a) She has become the champion of the local jack-ass (Shamar)
b) She thinks she is running the show when, in fact, she is just the champion of the local jack-ass (Shamar).
It was not her decision to save “her Phillip” that swung things her way, but the strategic considerations of her tribe-mates. If anything, any additional vociferous campaigning to keep Shamar on board will certainly earn the disdain of her tribe for its cynicism.
She can climb up here above Matt if she drops the drill-sergeant but it’s way too early to absorb a cancer into your game to help you 16 votes down the road.
12) Erik
I used to think that giving the immunity necklace away was the dumbest move I have ever seen but I am beginning to change my mind. Only his strength in challenges and general demeanor place him this high in the rankings.
For the love of God Erik, will you please get the $%#& away from Brandon? Please?
I mean aside form actually being Brandon Hantz, the stupidest thing you could possibly do is to be his sidekick.
Erik is shackled to a corpse.
13) Reynold
Let’s take a look at this guy’s bumbling thus far:
a) On the first night on the island, he starts publically having at a girl that even he admits isn’t that cutest.
b) He proudly joins with that arrogant Delta Bravo Eddie and his minority alliance of pretty baboons, alienating the majority.
c) Wears skin-tight pants to tribal council and then shoves an idol in the pocket.
At the next council I fully expect he will tell an extremely offensive joke about a tattooed Marine named Michael and a Cougaresque racecar driver from Stanford named Laura.
He seems funny and intelligent enough in his interviews but this dude is a train wreck.
He is, however, a train wreck with the advantage of an immunity idol and an extremely unlikable and lazy drill sergeant pissing people off in camp.
14) Phillip
These people must like staring at a grown man wearing pink panties far more than I.
Being crazy can keep you safe in this game.
Being crazy as @#$% does not.
If The Specialist doesn’t tone it down by about 50% then his life expectancy is approximately one vote after Brandon.
15) Eddie
Mastermind of the dumbest opening gambit since the “punt on first down” made famous by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers teams of the 70’s.
I have never seen a fireman more inherently unlikeable than this guy. 73% of respondents to a recent CBS poll said that if Eddie showed up to rescue them from a burning house that they would punch him in the face.
He provides some much needed beef early in the game for the Fans and it is only for this reason that he doesn’t rest at the bottom of my rankings for this week.
16) Shamar
Either this guy is the biggest, laziest Son of a Bitch in the Pacific Rim (Including that restaurant worker I saw yelling at people trying to help him in Kauai) or he is overplaying his hand on a level hitherto unseen in this game.
Let’s look at Shamar’s gameplan shall we?
a) Lay around on your ass at camp and criticize everyone for the way they do stuff.
b) Scream like Sam Kinison at everyone within 3 Kilometers of your shelter.
c) Exhibit a constant bad attitude and belittle anyone who disagrees with your strategies or with your plan to lay around in the shelter all day
It is stupid to make yourself insufferable when in the minority (Eddie) but it is equally as stupid to make yourself insufferable when enjoying an overwhelming majority.
17) Hope
The weakest member of a dead alliance.
Hope, like most beauty queens cast on this show, is very weak in challenges and the tribe cannot afford to carry her dead weight.
Furthermore, getting rid of Hope next renders Reynold’s idol insignificant even should they decide to vote of the intolerable Shamar immediately after.
Heterosexual men across America will release a collective groan of despair when she gets knocked out the next time the Fans go to tribal.
18) Brandon
“I’ll Burn down the camp”.
“This is for my kids”
“Dump all the Rice”
“It’s about togetherness”
“I’ll Pee in the beans”
“I want to be a good person”
Having a dude this crazy on Survivor sullies the proud name of Reality TV. He’ll go the next time the Favorites talk to Probst by the fire unless someone gets hurt or he finds an idol.
19) Allie—Rated “Poor” when voted out week 2
20) Francesca—rated “Poor” when voted out week 1
