I cannot tell you how relieved I was to hear that this season of Survivor was not titled: Sissies vs. Dipshits vs. Hideously Ugly.
While it is true I recently lamented the fact that Survivor had become a dumping ground for beauty queens and men slightly more handsome than yours truly, I have come around to the producers’ way of thinking.
1) Nobody really wants to see ugly Walmart people frolick about in skimpy outfits for 3 months. Stick to the hotties.
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| I think this makes the point. |
2) 1 or 2 dipshits is funny. 3 or more is a Jerry Springer episode. Since ne’er-do-wells and college freshmen are not the target demographic here, let’s stick to smart people and throw in the occasional Eddie.
3) Anyone who is capable of doing so, generally bulks up before they appear on the show. Let’s just grab full-time meatheads for the total jock experience.
This season is all about Survivor finally admitting that it is no longer a sociological study of normal Americans forced to endure hardship with complete strangers. It is, instead, an entertaining show where people nothing like us do battle in bikinis and swim shorts while plotting, scheming, and suffering nervous breakdowns.
Each season has its share of brawn, brain, and beauty interspersed throughout each tribe and typically, they fall into their expected roles.
I, for one, like the idea of seeing how these people function in a world where everyone on their tribe has a similar label.
Just like last year, I am not going to waste my time or yours ranking people of whom I know nothing. Therefore, I am going to discuss my feelings about each tribe and utilize my substantial quiver of stereotypes to make sweeping generalizations for you reading enjoyment.
Let the Season Begin!
Team Brawn:
""There is only power. Power is of the individual mind but the mind's power is not enough. Power of the body decides everything in the end and only might is right."
--The Once and Future King
When I first considered the viability of this tribe, I was immediately reminded of a scene from Game of Thrones regarding Knowledge vs. Power and how the platitudes we feed our kids often fall utterly short of reality.
In truth, the success or failure of each of these teams is going to depend largely upon the nature of the challenges.
Last season we saw challenges geared almost exclusively toward the petite. If the trend of “stand on this pole with a 1” foothold” or “Support your body weight while leaning backward on this tiny platform” continues, most of these guys are going to be laughed out of their respective gyms.
Large people with high amounts of muscle mass need a ton of sustenance to maintain their health. I can see the bulkier members of this team weakened by the restrictive diets enjoyed by Survivor contestants or, perhaps, driven to depression when they witness their own bodies feasting upon their bulging biceps and pectoral muscles in a feeble attempt to survive.
However, martial arts instructor, Yung “Woo” Hwang, may be uniquely suited to challenges not called “Kick sand in the nerds’ face” or “bench-press this Buick”.
Let me get this out of the way immediately. I intend to root with all of my might for someone named “Yung Hwang”. It would be un-American for me to go a different direction.
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| A recent Gallop poll found that 77% of all men surveyed would have changed their name to "Yung Huang" if they knew it was an option before they went to college. |
With that taken care of, I’d like to think outside the box a bit here. I do not believe that the great strength of the Brawn team lay in their physical prowess but rather the social game.
These cats are the type of people to help a brother lift that last 50 pounds, or motivate a faltering comrade who can’t seem to get under 1.2% body fat. If things get tough, I believe they will rally around each other and lift up their teammates. When hardship sets in, this quality can will a tribe to victory during even the grimmest of situations.
I like these guys to do pretty well as a unit pre-merge as they will not be targeted by candy-asses for being tough. The merge may present problems if they cannot get through with the numbers however….
Team Brains
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
--Arthur Schopenhauer
As I have grown in wisdom (or cantankerousness depending upon whom you ask), I have observed the following reality as it relates to this season of survivor:
1) For people under the age of 25, good-looking and/or extremely fit people represent the bulk of insufferable, egotistical buttholes.
2) After the age of 25, the really smart people assume this mantle as they land the sweet jobs and cool toys and enjoy them while sipping cognac on a Hawaiian beach.
While I am absolutely certain these guys will do great at the “re-assemble this rocket engine” and “create a nuclear reactor out of coconuts” challenges, I cannot shake the feeling that their respective egos are going to rip them apart at the first sign of adversity.
This tribe is full of intelligent and accomplished people who all have every reason to feel pretty good about themselves and if they can’t hang with the meatheads or underwear models out of the gates, these inquisitive minds are going to need to find a scapegoat.
I don’t know about you guys, but I have also seen smart people thoroughly out-think themselves and I believe that to be a real possibility on some of these challenges. I’ll take a “B” student who likes to play Jenga over some Poindexter who stares at schematics and legal documents all day if the task is to put together a little puzzle.
If they start fast, watch out. If they crap the bed early, they are going to turn upon themselves like the kids from Lord of the Flies.
Team Beauty
“Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference.”
--Aristotle
Upon closer examination of the individual bios for these guys, they remind me of the German pocket battleships of World War II.
To paraphrase, Team Beauty (as a whole) is likely to be stronger than anything smarter and smarter than anything stronger.
They are obviously in good shape and if they divide their team up well for multi-faceted challenges and put the student at Northwestern and the Hyper-motivated cheerleader on puzzles I think they could do some real damage here.
They look to have a fair balance of good and bad on the social game as well.
In Survivor, people are targeted for being too strong. They are targeted for being too smart or strategic. Nobody, to my knowledge, has been voted out simply for being too hot. This is great for the merge.
Early on, however, none of them will enjoy the protection afforded contestants in past seasons who exhibited great personal beauty. If they lose a challenge, someone pretty is going to get kicked out.
It is a strange and unfair world indeed when good looking people are treated like everyone else but that is why this is such a great show.
Without full-length mirrors every 6 feet for them to stop and gawk at the lovely visages leering back, this tribe will either go crazy as a result of their inability to preen themselves every 10 minutes or discover a hidden well of…bah! Who the hell am I kidding? They’re gonna meltdown from a lack of preening.
I’ll rank these guys individually starting next week.
