Week 1: Oakland at Denver
If there is any silver lining to the state of our franchise, it may lay in the fact that our owner is not Al Davis. If I don’t see a picture of Al Davis and Kim Jong Il in the same room together soon….. Anyway, the new coach, new system, and a healthy line-up energizes the men in predominantly orange on rival day. Coupled with the fact that we don’t know we suck yet, the donkeys lay one on the Vandals. Tebow-philes quietly lament Orton’s solid outing against the Asumahulaguala-less secondary.
Prediction: Broncos 31, Raiders 16 Predicted Record: 1-0
Week 2: Cincinnati at Denver
McGahee isn’t hurt yet and the Bengals may be the only team shittier than last year’s Carolina Panthers team. Andrew Luck throws up in his mouth a little when confronted with his fate.
Prediction: Broncos 23, Bengals 10 Predicted Record: 2-0
Week 3: Denver at Tennessee
Bronco fans begin succumbing to Fox-mania and 18 year old girls start getting Tattoos of GM Brian Xanders on their lower back in lieu of a tramp-stamp. The Titans remember the dishonor of losing to our band of nincompoops last year and come out pissed. The gaping hole in the interior of our defensive line allows Chris Johnson to run over us like a jilted secretary’s SUV over her horrified boss who opted nopt to leave his wife. The following Monday sets a record for laser tattoo removal.
Prediction: Titans 30, Broncos 20 Predicted Record: 2-1
Week 4: Denver at Green Bay
I would love to call this a trap game but then I’d be a damn liar. Orton gets pulled when the game gets out of hand and Tebow makes his first appearance of the season. Facing an insurmountable climb, Tebow valiantly puts the team on his back and brings us from 31 down to 28 down when the final whistle blows. Fans of #15 rejoice.
Prediction: Packers 41, Broncos 13 Predicted Record: 2-2
Week 5: San Diego at Denver
A tough call here since Norv Turner coached teams usually still suck by week 5. The game is at home, we are still .500, the Chiefs and Raiders are struggling, and the fan base is still hopeful. However, SD had the #1 rated offense and defense in the league last year and was just a handful of special teams gaffes from being 13-3. McGahee finally gets hurt and is replaced by Know-gain Moreno in the 2nd quarter. Orton (by necessity) has a heroic game offensively but Tebow apologists still call for his head despite his 363 yards and 3 TD’s.
Prediction: Chargers 33, Broncos 24 Predicted Record: 2-3
Week 7: Denver at Miami
With McGahee’s injury plaguing the running game like a week-old squirrel carcass, Miami simply runs a nickel all game. Orton struggles to find open receivers despite good protection and the offense stalls. Chad Henne sucks rocks so Miami does little better. A desperate Coach Fox plugs a 250 lb Lendell White into the backfield after Moreno trips on his dong and falls down in the backfield for the 7th time. It’s too little, too late.
Prediction: Dolphins 17, Broncos 13 Predicted Record: 2-4
Week 8: Detroit at Denver
Unlike Miami, Detroit opts for a different defensive approach. With the running game doing a Wal-mart-esque rollback to 2010, the Lions’ bad-ass interior pass rush opens up a can on Orton who folds quicker than Superman on laundry day. In an unusual half-time adjustment, Fox decides to replace Orton with #15 and run a wildcat since we can’t protect the QB any longer. Despite some struggles from Shaun Hill (Stafford, of course, is hurt by now) and Tebow’s 73 yds rushing, Denver just can’t get it done.
Prediction: Lions 20, Broncos 13 Predicted Record: 2-5
Week 9: Denver at Oakland
Gamblers in Las Vegas release a collective gasp as Tim Tebow replaces a dinged up Orton as the starter for this game and McGahee decides to test out his hammy. The Raiders (with their 19th head coach in the last 3 years) are suffering from a bad year themselves. Eschewing “Pride and Poise” in favor of “Suck for Luck” Oakland doesn’t even bother showing up. Tebow only throws the ball 13 times with 2 picks and 1 TD but also finds the end zone with his legs. It’ll do.
Prediction: Broncos 17, Raiders 9 Predicted Record: 3-5
Week 10: Denver at Kansas City
Suffering from a serious case of letdown following their solid season from 2010, the Chiefs look to get the ball rolling against the donkeys at home. With fans across the nation gripped in Tebow-fever, Fox and Elway decide to give him another start. Battling a hostile crowd (aside from a small corner of the stadium filled with people who look like Ned and Maude Flanders), Tebow struggles mightily once McGahee limps off the field in the 1st. 3 picks later, Orton is back in but the game is already out of hand.
Prediction: Chiefs 31, Broncos 17 Predicted Record: 3-6
Week 11: NY Jets at Denver
Despite the morale-busting effects of seeing their head coach attached to an oxygen tank due to the altitude, the Jets are still able to move the ball up and down the field on a defense completely worn out by a non-existent running game. Orton acquits himself pretty well due to some unusually good pass -blocking and the aging Defensive front sported by NY. Sanchez sucks but the Jets don’t. Tebow fans blame Orton for 2 missed FG’s by Matt Prater.
Prediction: Jets 28 Broncos: 24 Predicted Record: 3-7
Week 12: Denver at San Diego
No rest for the weary as the Broncs run into the now red-hot Chargers on the road. Nothing we try works. Our defense is so exhausted from losing the time of possession battle in all but 2 games that they all look like Fat Albert on conditioning day. San Diego knows they are better than us and so do we.
Prediction: Chargers 38, Broncos 10 Predicted Record: 3-8
Week 13: Denver at Minnesota
First, lets get something out of the way here. Donovan McNabb is no Brett Favre. I simply cannot ever see this guy texting a photo of his junk to some sideline reporter or team masseuse. That having been said he can really hand the crap out of the ball to AP who cuts down the wreckage of our defense with ruthless efficiency. McNabb also decides to throw 2 touches as well. Again, Orton moves the ‘O’ pretty well but since the Vikings control the clock at nearly a 2-1 margin, the chances are few.
Prediction: Vikings 31, Broncos 20 Predicted Record: 3-9
Week 14: Chicago at Denver
That punk-ass Jay Cutler saunters into town and Invesco finally shows life. The hatred of Denver fans for this jackwagon actually bites us on the rump as he decides to actually pay attention in team meetings for the fits time in his 2 years as a Bear and opts to play through a dislocated goatee. Still, Denver shows up and plays their arses off. Willis McGahee returns to the field and runs like a man possessed. Kyle Orton forgot that he ever played for the Bears but still plays a smart game. Andrew luck cries himself to sleep as he is now almost certainly slated for Bengal-hood.
Prediction: Broncos 33, Bears 30 Predicted Record: 4-9
Week 15: New England at Denver
There once was a day when the Patriots cringed at the thought of playing the Broncos in Mile High. There also once was a man from Nantucket. Both statements have about the same relevance to this game (I know, Nantucket is in New England but that’s neither here nor there). New England is fighting with the Jets for the division and plays like it. McGahee leaves the game with a contusion on his uvula. Orton, of course, is to blame for the injury according to Tebow fans.
Prediction: Patriots 30, Broncos 14 Predicted Record: 4-10
Week 16: Denver at Buffalo
The season is done; Orton is banged up beyond description; The fan base is apathetic. You know what this means? Tebow time! And what better place for Tebow time than a friendly game of meaningless late season football with the Toronto Bills? It’s cold and snowy in the Land of No Trophies this time of year and the intrepid youth from Florida throws an even less elegant ball than we have come to expect. Sans a running game, Buffalo locks down the game into one of attrition and wins it. 3 of the 7 Bills fans in the US crap themselves with excitement.
Prediction: Bills 14, Broncos 6 Predicted Record: 4-11
Week 17: Kansas City at Denver
Tragically, our lousy season wasn’t crappy enough for us to win the “Suck for Luck” sweepstakes so we still have motivation to beat up on the Chefs. KC, still shocked at their sub-mediocre season following their good fortune in 2010, just kind of zombies their way through the final game. Tebow, like the guy who chips in on 18 to keep from shooting 100, jumps around like he just came within 10 dollars of the actual retail price of a velvet ottoman on the Price is Right as the Broncos roll. Delusional Tebow fans thump their chests and speak of what a valiant game it was and how Tebow as 2-1 as a starter.
Prediction: Broncos 27, Chiefs10 Predicted Record: 5-11
